My Washington Post article on couples and debt, and how I plan to pay mine off

In many ways, my new Washington Post article on couples and debt (which also got picked up by their women's publication The Lily and was reprinted at by the Los Angeles Times) was a challenging one. I first submitted an essay about my personal experience with debt and dating, and was asked to expand it into a reported article.



That part was interesting as I got to talk to experts, including a three financial planners, a financial therapist and Bad with Money podcast host and author of the new book by the same name, Gaby Dunn. I've alluded to and once written about my debt before, but this piece had a higher profile, and I knew family members and friends would see it, and that was scary. I never want to look like a failure, even when I am. I'm not saying I consider everyone who has debt a failure, but for myself, I do, because the reason my debt is so high is my own doing.

I lived way beyond my means when I was in New York, and even though I haven't lived there for almost six years, the effects linger. Only in the last few years has my business grown in a way that paying it off is now in the foreseeable future. I had intended to have it paid off by the end of 2019 but had more expenses than expected, so that projected debt-free date is now the end of 2020. At the same time, in growing my business, I do need to stick to the "you have to spend money to make money" adage. So I'm doing things like attending creative business conference Alt Summit in March in Palm Springs (called Alt Oasis this year because it's six days long), considering hiring a publicist for my December Best Women's Erotica of the Year book launch and will be investing a lot of time into launching my online classes, hopefully by mid-March. Those things are all important to me for various reasons that essentially boil down to not wanting to do the same thing over and over and expect things to change. Having the classes will also help me pitch myself as a speaker...to places like Alt Summit. I meant to apply this year and a combination of stress and anxiety and negative self-talk prevented me, but I plan to launch a class on the subject I want to teach on, which will make applying easier.

The only way I will reach the next level in any area of my business is to experiment and try new things. I can't travel as much as I used to, and even if I could, in-person erotica writing classes, which I love teaching, can only reach 20-30 people at a time. My online class will be able to reach an infinite number of students all over the world. When I taught in Berlin last year, I had someone in another part of Germany ask if I was teaching there. Soon I'll be able to say yes to that. I'm looking forward to it, but it's also a commitment of time and energy (the costs so far have involved buying a microphone, which I did in...2017).

My point is, I'm doing a lot on the debt reduction front, and will be writing much more this year about debt and money, probably on Medium. But since I've lived with some for of debt my entire adult life, I've also adapted. I don't buy myself too many things these days, but when I turn in an anthology manuscript, I treat myself to buying a book, provided my local library doesn't carry it. I occasionally buy myself a Leota dress, although now I have a whole row of them in my closet, and got gorgeous ones for my birthday and the holidays. I've cut back immensely because what I want more than anything is to see a zero balance everywhere. I won't be going to New York too often. But I will make sure when I'm there I see one of my best friend's newborn twins, even if an extra day means paying for food and subway fare. I also need to have a life, especially to counteract the times when I work really insane, stressful hours, as I've done a few times over the last few months. I'm trying to move away from those but sometimes as a freelancer last-minute assignments happen, or I get sick and can't work as efficiently as I wanted to.

The truth is, part of me still thinks, Well, if you onlypay bills and necessities, you could pay off all your debt this year. I'd have to crunch a lot of numbers to see if that's strictly true. I could certainly come very close. But aside from the many business expenses I pay, from postage to buying books to send to authors to smaller things like renewing Flickr (yes, that's what I still use to post images on this here blog), I wouldn't be able to take my mom to Tribeca Film Festival as I did last year for her birthday. I wouldn't get to visit my family on Martha's Vineyard in the summer. I think the difference between me now and me back when I was accruing tons of debt is that I value every dollar I spend and consider it carefully. On our drive down to Virginia in December, I was proud of myself for forgoing my daily cup of decaf coffee and saving the approximately $2 it would have cost, because the craving wasn't that bad. But on the way back, I had a cup, because I knew I'd have a headache otherwise. What I most look forward to about debt-free life is not having to do all those calculations. In the meantime, my other way of tackling debt is, hopefully, upping my company's income by 20% this year. If I can do that, I'll likely have a lot more bylines and be able to look back at my 2019 work with pride.

My Brides article on how erotica can help relationships

I'm thrilled to share my first article for Brides.com on how erotica can help improve your relationship. There are of course other benefits to reading sexy books but they asked me for ideas geared toward couples, so that's what I wrote, with wisdom from some wonderful relationship experts (and a few more pieces are in the works). I also gave some podcast and book recommendations at the end to get people started. So far online people have been all over the Fabio photo they chose, which I think is hilarious. He is still so recognizable as a cultural figure all these years after his heyday!

My Washington Post Solo-ish essay on sleeping in separate bedrooms

I haven't written an essay since November, so it feels wonderful to be back at the Solo-ish section of The Washington Post today with this essay on why I prefer sleeping in separate bedrooms, and how that's not a sign of how a relationship is doing, whether we're talking about the President and First Lady or anyone else.

Why dating tech guys is the worst and Bay Area Peter Pan Syndrome at Elle.com

My latest sex interview for Elle.com is about dating in the Bay Area and men who don't want to grow up (my interviewee cooked dinner for a guy who left early to go have sex with someone else). I'm on the lookout for more women to interview! Some topics I'd like to discuss: sex and dating when you travel often for work, sex after abortion, sex while dealing with illness, any momentous sexual first times, your experience with female ejaculation, preferring sex toys over partner sex, and sex when you have a very specific fetish, but I'm open to pretty much anything else, especially subjects I haven't covered yet. Email me at ellesexstories at gmail.com and tell me about yourself and what you'd want to discuss and if you know any women who might be open to talking to me, please pass this on.

Online dating interview at Elle.com: How a queer, kinky single woman uses Tinder, OkCupid and FetLife

This week at Elle.com, I interviewed a single woman who's also queer and kinky about how she uses dating apps and sites like Tinder, OkCupid and FetLife to find people, as well as about coming out, her first girlfriend, dating genderqueer people and taking dating advice from Modern Romance by Aziz Ansari.



Read the full Love, Actually interview archives here and if you're a woman interested in being interviewed anonymously, please email me at ellesexstories at gmail.com and tell me a little about yourself and what you'd like to talk about for Elle.com.

Do you prefer dating older men? Read my latest sex interview at Elle.com

Last week at Elle.com, I interviewed a woman who's 29 dating a man who's 46, who tends to prefer older men over those her age. We talked about why she's down on guys her age and her requests regarding performance enhancing drugs. Read the interview to find out why!



I thought I'd already posted this, but apparently I hadn't. And if you know any women with fascinating sex and dating lives, I'd love to interview them anonymously for this weekly series. We can talk about pretty much anything in the sex and sexuality and dating wheelhouse, as long as they're willing to let me pick their brain. Anyone interested should email me at ellesexstories at gmail.com and tell me a little about who you are and what you'd want to talk about in the interview. Thank you!

What it's like to be married and having an affair with an ex

That's the subject of one of my recent Elle.com Love, Actually interviews.



I'm sharing this because I'm looking for more women to interview anonymously about your sex and dating lives. If that's you or someone you know, please get in touch or pass along the above link or this post. I would especially like to talk to a woman who's dating someone at least 15 years younger or older than her, but as you can see from the topics below, I'm looking for all sorts of women to profile for this series, and I will repeat again that you can be completely anonymous. I've changed everyone's name except one who allowed me to keep her first name. Who am I looking to talk to? You can be a virgin or a woman who has sex with someone different every night, as long as you're willing to let me ask you some very personal questions about what that experience is like; I'm looking to interview women from age 18 into their eighties and nineties of all sexual orientations, those in relationships and those who aren't. Email me at ellesexstories at gmail.com and tell me a little about yourself and what you'd want to discuss. Here are the interviews I've done so far:

How sexual assault affected a married woman's sex life

A wife having an affair with her more well-endowed ex

Three weeks after giving birth, she's ready for sex

Life as a disabled single woman who's actively dating

A wife confesses to her husband that she's a BDSM submissive and wants him to dominate her

What it's like to have a spouse who's transitioning

Sex in an open marriage

How to know your relationship is going to last

Okay, unfortunately, I don't think there's any way to know anything for 100% sure about the future. But here's my hunch about my relationship: it's lasted almost four years now both because we love each other and we are open to change. Change within ourselves and change imposed from the outside world. In January, a week or two after our anniversary, we are going to be moving for the fourth time in four years. Is that a complete pain in the ass? Of course. But both of us, after a few minutes of complaining, have simply adapted.

Yes, I just hung up my gorgeous Georgia O'Keeffe painting and other artwork. I have bookshelves set up so all my books are accessible by walking across my bedroom/office. But that's life, and we aren't moving far, and while we will still only have a one-year lease, we are both pretty confident who we're renting from won't have any reason to kick us out (in this year's case, it wasn't anything to do with us, but our landlord decided to exercise their option to move back in after our lease was up).

We have adapted to so many things: job losses, family deaths, loss of income, jealousy. We've adapted to new towns and new circumstances. We've seen each other at our best and our worst. We're working on learning how to argue more productively. Friday, we went to Grounds for Sculpture, which was stunningly gorgeous. I wasn't quite prepared for how grandiose it would be. We lucked out with a sunny but slightly chilly day, and bundled up, I was happy to roam around most of the day, punctuated by a lovely lunch at their restaurant, Rat's. We so rarely get a weekday together and if we do, are usually on our computers.


Summertime Lady by David Hostetler (side view)

Then we came home and watched the news about Paris. It was such a jarring juxtaposition to see this artwork that celebrated life and love and, I believe, timelessness, contrasted with such horrific violence.

Then yesterday, we set off for Westchester. We had a little day adventure planned, but when we checked into our hotel, it was awful. As in, we stayed for as long as it took to book another room and left. It was a little tense; I'd been so relieved to be out of the car, and there we were, getting in another one. But guess what? We not only got a refund because my boyfriend calmly but firmly told them why the room didn't work (it was very dirty and it smelled), but we found a suite at a new hotel for only abut $30 more that also had a jacuzzi hot tub we could both fit in!

Now, my boyfriend is a big guy, so this is a rare occurrence. I didn't even know he'd want to get in. But we positioned ourselves and turned up the hot water and then the jets, while I drank a tea that was still hot 20 minutes after I got it. We didn't stay long, but I just kept looking around like, What? This is my life, that I get to randomly be in a jacuzzi hot tub with someone who cares about me so much and looks out for me at every turn?

There were other moments of unexpectedness, like curving roads that I was so relieved we passed that I almost cried (I'm extremely afraid of cars, though I'm better than I used to be). I'm not saying we are both perfectly calm 24/7, but that we are each both able to roll with any given unexpected situation, or one of us can help guide the other through it. We even shared a bed, two nights after telling the world why separate beds are good for our relationship. But with the help of earplugs for him and a king-size bed, we did it. In fact, he's sleeping in that bed right now while I type this at seven in the morning.

So no, I have no idea what the future holds. But I have a feeling we are going to make it for the long haul, as long as we can continue to adapt to change in whatever form it takes.

My 40th birthday photo shoot on why my boyfriend and I sleep in separate beds is in the New York Post

I've been 40 for 4 days, and they've been a whirlwind! On Tuesday, my 40th birthday, I woke up very early, around 5 a.m. (I was born at 3:59 a.m., and was a preemie; I was supposed to be born in February 1976), then spent the day celebrating the release of my new erotica anthology Dirty Dates, writing two articles for Salon, teaching my LitReactor class, going to dinner with my boyfriend and a coworker, and having my photo taken for this New York Post article on couples with separate beds. I only have a few photos of my boyfriend and I from our almost four years together, so that was fun and special, all the more so because he's pretty camera and press shy (yes, my opposite!), but did it for me. Thank you to Anna Davies for writing the article and contacting me to be interviewed, and to Alex M for the great photos. This is what a 40-year-old writer with a stuffed animal in her bed looks like!

The article got a lot of buzz, including a mention on In The Papers on NY1, a discussion on Live with Kelly and Michael, another interview with me at Yahoo Health, a Jezebel post and a great exploration at The Frisky on your ideal cohabitation situation. The most amusing part to me is that the original New York Post headline changed during the day to the current one. If my life is boring (which, I admit, parts of it are), I say, the more boring, the better!

Washington Post article on how to fight with your significant other

As you probably know, I'll take almost any opportunity to use my personal life as fodder for my writing. Which may sound bad, but is both honest and, I hope, I learn things as I write that can improve my relationship. That's certainly the case with my latest Washington Post Solo-ish article on "How to fight with your significant other." Thanks to Sherry Amateinstein, Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson for sharing their expertise. (In case you missed it, my first piece for them was on why I don't want to get married.)

My Washington Post essay on why I don't want to get married

My essay "I love my boyfriend, but I never want to get married" is up today at The Washington Post's Solo-ish section. The title pretty much tells you what it's about. Whether you agree with me or not, I hope you'll check it out. Yes, I'm pushing myself to pitch new markets and kick my own ass in light of the end of my weekly column, and so far, it's working.

Why I'm keeping my movie date tonight

Tonight I'm going to see a movie I've been wanting to see since I first heard about it: Pawn Sacrifice, about chess players Bobby Fischer and Boris Spassky. We had a busy weekend and decided to see it tonight instead. Then this morning I was both catching up with writing assignments I'd hoped to finish over the weekend and received some new ones. I'm transcribing as fast as I can and brainstorming new pitches and a little overwhelmed, as weeks like this tend to make me.



So it would be very easy to cancel the movie date. After all, we could go another night this week. But one trait I'm trying to cure myself of is the tendency to put work before everything else. Yes, on some level, my work is what allows me to eat and pay rent and all those other niceties, including going to the movies. On the other hand, I didn't even take a break to shower today and my eyes are getting that achy feeling from staring at my screen all day. I deserve a break, and have an interview scheduled for 10 p.m.

Especially as I pretty much make getting pregnant my other full-time job, or at least, my part-time job, I'm realizing that being a crazed, stressed workaholic isn't something I would ever want to pass on to a child, should I be blessed enough to ever become a mom. I don't want to fall into the trap of thinking that working more hours means working smarter or better. It doesn't. The truth is, breaks are good for my brain, not to mention my eyes and fingers and the rest of my body. They help me reframe whatever I'm working on, see sentences in new ways. They're necessary, even though I don't often treat them as such. So I will be keeping my movie date, and back at my desk in a few hours to resume writing and interviewing and transcribing. I often feel like I'm making up this freelancing thing as I go along, and the part where I learn that more hours at my desk does not necessarily mean more money earned is a lesson I will likely have to keep relearning along the way.

Are brains the new tits? Find out in my sapiosexual column at DAME

My latest column at women's site DAME asks "Is Smart The New Sexy?" which explores how we assess intelligence in the dating world, whether you need to have attended college to be considered "smart," what sapiosexual means and how it's perceived, with quotes from Kate Sloan, Rose Caraway, Melissa Toler and Jo Weldon and a brief take on my attendance at Bawdy Storytelling in LA (which also happens tomorrow in San Francisco and if you're there you should go!).



Also: I'd love your suggestions for what to cover next for my DAME sex column that relates to women and sex and/or dating. Email me at rachelkb at gmail do com with "DAME" in the subject line.

The best gift my boyfriend ever gave me

I got some good news this week about something I'll be writing, which I will share when it's published, but in a nutshell, it's about sex (shocking, I know!). Specifically, sex with my boyfriend, aka the person I plan to spend the rest of my life with. This is by far the longest relationship I've ever been in; last week we celebrated three and a half years together, and it's therefore also the relationship I've written about the most.

Over the years, I've covered whether my having two Hitachi Magic Wand vibrators is bad for our relationship and what I've learned falling for a fat man, as well as multiple pieces in my ebook Sex & Cupcakes: A Juicy Collection of Essays. But it doesn't really get easier to tell the person you love, "By the way, I'm going to be writing about our sex life for a national publication." Or about other aspects of our life. Yet that's what I do, both to make a living, and because it's an intrinsic part of who I am, how I make sense of and process my world, how I figure out what I think and how I share and connect my experiences with others'.

The greatest thing he's ever given me isn't the Georgia O'Keeffe print of my favorite of her paintings, or the stuffed animal he won me one an epic Jersey Shore boardwalk date, or the other stuffed animal that I sleep with that he surprised me with, or the time he impromptu booked us a staycation at our favorite NYC hotel. It's been rolling with the fact that I write about my life, and by extension, his life. I try to do so with as much respect and honesty and openness as I can, but still, I know that dating me is not the same as dating someone who doesn't expose herself and various intimacies pretty much all the time.

He doesn't just roll with it, but encourages me to write, even when it's about topics that might make him uncomfortable, even though it's almost always about things he would never share publicly in a million years. He is always genuinely happy for me when I hit a career milestone, or even when I sort through all the fear and shame and neuroses in my head, which is sometimes so thick I can barely get a word onto the page and simply share whatever it is that's been circling up there, and get something out into the world.

The longer we are together, the deeper that gift resonates, because even though I don't use his full name in my writing, anyone who knows me at all well knows who he is. Yet anyone who knows me well also hopefully knows how much writing means to me, and that I would not truly be myself with it. I'm sure that doesn't necessarily make it easier to be in my boyfriend's position, and I can't emphasize enough how grateful I am that he has never told me, or even asked me, not to write something. He's never taken up my offer to vet something beforehand and has always trusted me, which is just one of the many things that makes him amazing.

This is a constant process of negotiation, though, on my part, of figuring out a) what's important enough to me to want to write about, b) what's marketable and where and in what form and c) what's mine to discuss and what's not. I don't necessarily have hard and fast answers, but I feel like it's not a coincidence that my freelance writing has soared while in this relationship, because I've had that freedom, and on a day when I am brainstorming what I will write about us in bed, I wanted to acknowledge that.

Want to know more about the ins and outs of writing very personal nonfiction about your sex life, and get my advice on how to do it ethically and profitably? I'll be talking about that and much more at my CatalystCon sex writing workshop on September 11th in Burbank, California. If you won't be at CatalystCon, stay tuned by signing up for my monthly newsletter for an upcoming online version of that class. To those who are also navigating the tricky terrain of being true to yourself in your writing while also respecting others in your life, I wish you much success, internally and externally.

Would you go on 52 dates in a year, on purpose? Meet the woman who is!

In this week's sex column for Philadelphia City Paper, I profiled single Philadelphia lady Melissa Toler about Project 52 Dates, which finds her going on 52 dates in 2015. Her reasons for embarking on the project and what she's learned about men and herself are not what I expected. Want to read more? Check out my column archives, and feel free to email me at rachelcitypaper at gmail dot com with future column topic suggestions.

How to have the best date ever

Today marks the 6-month anniversary of my sex column Let's Get It On in Philadelphia City Paper with my best dates column, including my outing myself as a full-on nerd whose top dates included Boggle and going to the boardwalk. Thank you to my interviewees, Jessica Walsh and Timothy Goodman, authors of the new book 40 Days of Dating (pictured below) and Abiola Abrams, author of The Sacred Bombshell Handbook of Self-Love.



It may be small in word count (it used to be around 700 words and is now 550 words) but I'd like to think it's mighty in content and reach; after all, one of its topics, OrgasmQuest, spawned tons of media, including its subject's appearance on Dr. Drew's TV show. To me that was a prime example of what I try to do with all my work: make it accessible to a wide range of people, not just those in the "sex world." I know it could end any moment now, so I am doing everything I can to make it interesting, timely and worth reading. I'm trying to apply that same attitude toward my life; if it ends tomorrow, I want to be proud of myself. I don't expect my column or my life to end tomorrow, but really, who knows about either?

If you want to see the column stick around for lots more months (and maybe even years!), please read it, like it at the top, Tweet it, spread the word. And I am always open to suggestions for future column topics (keep in mind my tiny word count!) at rachelkb at gmail dot com with "City Paper" in the subject line.

I think one of the key differences between writing this alt weekly column now and my old Lusty Lady column in The Village Voice from 2004-2007 is that I'm being told that my readership matters. I get told if a lot of people read it and if few people read it. Another key difference for me personally is not living in the city in which the print paper is published. I used to feel honored and uncomfortable in equal measures to be taking the L train home to Williamsburg, Brooklyn and see people reading my Voice column. That was a paper I grew up reading, back when it wasn't free; my friend would bring it back from Manhattan to our suburban New Jersey high school. Now, I live in suburban New Jersey and am quite a different creature than my 17-year-old self. The other difference, and probably the biggest one, is that this is weekly which means the day my new column comes out, I'm filing next week's. It's meant lots of planning ahead and at times has been a challenge, but a welcome one.

Why I Want My Date to Plan our Dates, Not An App

I use plenty of apps to help me improve my life, but I am finding many that seem to just be allowing people not to think about basic things, like where to go on a date, in the case of Funspotter, so I wrote "How To Ruin Your Love Life: Use This App" for Thought Catalog. Snapshot below is from one of my favorite dates with my current guy.

Why I'm over engagements as signs of winning at life

Or, "Why Marriages Cannot Be End Goals (And The Ways We Still Convince Women They Are)", my latest essay at Thought Catalog. Yes, I've been writing a lot lately - another article will probably publish tonight and I'm researching and interviewing away. What's funny is that even though I am not a fan of the marriage industrial complex, I am as sappy and romantic as a person can get.

Essay on dating a fat man at YouBeauty

Yes, size is something that comes up in a lot of my work, from my erotica, such as in my new story "Big Bottom" in The Big Book of Domination to my book Sex & Cupcakes. It's something that's personal and political and that I think touches so much of society. So my latest essay is "What I’ve Learned About Size and Body Image by Dating a Fat Man" at YouBeauty. It's my first piece for them, so if you like it, I'd love it if you'd share/comment there. Jessica Wakeman is an editor there now (formerly at The Frisky) and is bringing lots of fascinating content around looks, gender, body image and more.

"Why I'll Never Date Another Guy Named 'Tom'"

My latest essay at The Frisky is entitled "Why I'll Never Date Another Guy Named 'Tom'" and looks at exes and names and how they affect our perceptions of future people we encounter with the same name. Name as dealbreaker? Yes...probably.

Relatively recently, I dated two men in a row with the same first name—I’ll call them both Tom for the sake of this essay. One I fell in love with, and while I’m mostly over him, I’m not there all the way. Both are guys I was friends with before dating them, and I considered the possibility that the name thing would get weird with Tom 2.0, but I’d had a crush on him, so I overlooked it. They’re fairly different in personality, but the fact that in addition to sharing a name, both Toms have similar body types and professions adds to my sense that men with this name are not my type. Not to mention the fact that after I dated Tom 1.0, I had to keep calling Tom 2.0 by his full name when telling my friends about him, lest anyone get confused.

Dating men who share a name is not the same as, say, dating one guy who’s the spitting image of another, but it’s close.

Read the whole thing