My Washington Post article on couples and debt, and how I plan to pay mine off

In many ways, my new Washington Post article on couples and debt (which also got picked up by their women's publication The Lily and was reprinted at by the Los Angeles Times) was a challenging one. I first submitted an essay about my personal experience with debt and dating, and was asked to expand it into a reported article.



That part was interesting as I got to talk to experts, including a three financial planners, a financial therapist and Bad with Money podcast host and author of the new book by the same name, Gaby Dunn. I've alluded to and once written about my debt before, but this piece had a higher profile, and I knew family members and friends would see it, and that was scary. I never want to look like a failure, even when I am. I'm not saying I consider everyone who has debt a failure, but for myself, I do, because the reason my debt is so high is my own doing.

I lived way beyond my means when I was in New York, and even though I haven't lived there for almost six years, the effects linger. Only in the last few years has my business grown in a way that paying it off is now in the foreseeable future. I had intended to have it paid off by the end of 2019 but had more expenses than expected, so that projected debt-free date is now the end of 2020. At the same time, in growing my business, I do need to stick to the "you have to spend money to make money" adage. So I'm doing things like attending creative business conference Alt Summit in March in Palm Springs (called Alt Oasis this year because it's six days long), considering hiring a publicist for my December Best Women's Erotica of the Year book launch and will be investing a lot of time into launching my online classes, hopefully by mid-March. Those things are all important to me for various reasons that essentially boil down to not wanting to do the same thing over and over and expect things to change. Having the classes will also help me pitch myself as a speaker...to places like Alt Summit. I meant to apply this year and a combination of stress and anxiety and negative self-talk prevented me, but I plan to launch a class on the subject I want to teach on, which will make applying easier.

The only way I will reach the next level in any area of my business is to experiment and try new things. I can't travel as much as I used to, and even if I could, in-person erotica writing classes, which I love teaching, can only reach 20-30 people at a time. My online class will be able to reach an infinite number of students all over the world. When I taught in Berlin last year, I had someone in another part of Germany ask if I was teaching there. Soon I'll be able to say yes to that. I'm looking forward to it, but it's also a commitment of time and energy (the costs so far have involved buying a microphone, which I did in...2017).

My point is, I'm doing a lot on the debt reduction front, and will be writing much more this year about debt and money, probably on Medium. But since I've lived with some for of debt my entire adult life, I've also adapted. I don't buy myself too many things these days, but when I turn in an anthology manuscript, I treat myself to buying a book, provided my local library doesn't carry it. I occasionally buy myself a Leota dress, although now I have a whole row of them in my closet, and got gorgeous ones for my birthday and the holidays. I've cut back immensely because what I want more than anything is to see a zero balance everywhere. I won't be going to New York too often. But I will make sure when I'm there I see one of my best friend's newborn twins, even if an extra day means paying for food and subway fare. I also need to have a life, especially to counteract the times when I work really insane, stressful hours, as I've done a few times over the last few months. I'm trying to move away from those but sometimes as a freelancer last-minute assignments happen, or I get sick and can't work as efficiently as I wanted to.

The truth is, part of me still thinks, Well, if you onlypay bills and necessities, you could pay off all your debt this year. I'd have to crunch a lot of numbers to see if that's strictly true. I could certainly come very close. But aside from the many business expenses I pay, from postage to buying books to send to authors to smaller things like renewing Flickr (yes, that's what I still use to post images on this here blog), I wouldn't be able to take my mom to Tribeca Film Festival as I did last year for her birthday. I wouldn't get to visit my family on Martha's Vineyard in the summer. I think the difference between me now and me back when I was accruing tons of debt is that I value every dollar I spend and consider it carefully. On our drive down to Virginia in December, I was proud of myself for forgoing my daily cup of decaf coffee and saving the approximately $2 it would have cost, because the craving wasn't that bad. But on the way back, I had a cup, because I knew I'd have a headache otherwise. What I most look forward to about debt-free life is not having to do all those calculations. In the meantime, my other way of tackling debt is, hopefully, upping my company's income by 20% this year. If I can do that, I'll likely have a lot more bylines and be able to look back at my 2019 work with pride.

My Brides article on how erotica can help relationships

I'm thrilled to share my first article for Brides.com on how erotica can help improve your relationship. There are of course other benefits to reading sexy books but they asked me for ideas geared toward couples, so that's what I wrote, with wisdom from some wonderful relationship experts (and a few more pieces are in the works). I also gave some podcast and book recommendations at the end to get people started. So far online people have been all over the Fabio photo they chose, which I think is hilarious. He is still so recognizable as a cultural figure all these years after his heyday!

My Washington Post Solo-ish essay on sleeping in separate bedrooms

I haven't written an essay since November, so it feels wonderful to be back at the Solo-ish section of The Washington Post today with this essay on why I prefer sleeping in separate bedrooms, and how that's not a sign of how a relationship is doing, whether we're talking about the President and First Lady or anyone else.

Washington Post Solo-ish essay on baby fever and why I want to be a mom

I wrote about the subject I think about every day, and an incident recently that made me think about it in a new way: wanting to be a mom, and why being childless feels worse than being single ever did, for the wonderful Solo-ish section at The Washington Post. If you're not a regular reader, I recommend it; I learn a lot from the pieces I read there, which are always insightful (I don't mean that as a brag, humble or otherwise; I'm referring to the other writers, like Nicole Hardy on being a "female bachelor" in her forties and travel as her suitor and Laura Barcella on being a "crazy cat lady" and all the bylines you see there).

Here's a snippet of my piece:

In the minute or so that I helped her to those gulps of water, which still managed to spill down her dress despite my carefulness, I felt an overwhelming urge to pull her close and give her a hug. Her mix of delicateness and strength, her ability to communicate nonverbally, her gorgeous eyes staring back at me as if we weren’t strangers, all completely sucked me in.

If I could feel so much for a child I didn’t even know, who belonged to someone else, how much love would I have for a child I named and fed and cared for every day? That question haunts me.

Read the whole essay

My Refinery29 essay about being a "domestic failure" is up now

I got personal over at Refinery29 for my essay, "I’m A Feminist, But I Feel Guilty For Being A Domestic Failure." The title pretty much says it all, although the day before it ran, I wound up getting our couch cleaned and it looks amazing, if I do say so myself. Sweetest thing ever: my boyfriend told me he didn't like my essay, because I didn't give myself credit. He thinks I'm a great sous chef and kitchen helper. He already had my heart, but that totally sealed the deal.

Do you prefer dating older men? Read my latest sex interview at Elle.com

Last week at Elle.com, I interviewed a woman who's 29 dating a man who's 46, who tends to prefer older men over those her age. We talked about why she's down on guys her age and her requests regarding performance enhancing drugs. Read the interview to find out why!



I thought I'd already posted this, but apparently I hadn't. And if you know any women with fascinating sex and dating lives, I'd love to interview them anonymously for this weekly series. We can talk about pretty much anything in the sex and sexuality and dating wheelhouse, as long as they're willing to let me pick their brain. Anyone interested should email me at ellesexstories at gmail.com and tell me a little about who you are and what you'd want to talk about in the interview. Thank you!

What it's like to be married and having an affair with an ex

That's the subject of one of my recent Elle.com Love, Actually interviews.



I'm sharing this because I'm looking for more women to interview anonymously about your sex and dating lives. If that's you or someone you know, please get in touch or pass along the above link or this post. I would especially like to talk to a woman who's dating someone at least 15 years younger or older than her, but as you can see from the topics below, I'm looking for all sorts of women to profile for this series, and I will repeat again that you can be completely anonymous. I've changed everyone's name except one who allowed me to keep her first name. Who am I looking to talk to? You can be a virgin or a woman who has sex with someone different every night, as long as you're willing to let me ask you some very personal questions about what that experience is like; I'm looking to interview women from age 18 into their eighties and nineties of all sexual orientations, those in relationships and those who aren't. Email me at ellesexstories at gmail.com and tell me a little about yourself and what you'd want to discuss. Here are the interviews I've done so far:

How sexual assault affected a married woman's sex life

A wife having an affair with her more well-endowed ex

Three weeks after giving birth, she's ready for sex

Life as a disabled single woman who's actively dating

A wife confesses to her husband that she's a BDSM submissive and wants him to dominate her

What it's like to have a spouse who's transitioning

Sex in an open marriage

How to know your relationship is going to last

Okay, unfortunately, I don't think there's any way to know anything for 100% sure about the future. But here's my hunch about my relationship: it's lasted almost four years now both because we love each other and we are open to change. Change within ourselves and change imposed from the outside world. In January, a week or two after our anniversary, we are going to be moving for the fourth time in four years. Is that a complete pain in the ass? Of course. But both of us, after a few minutes of complaining, have simply adapted.

Yes, I just hung up my gorgeous Georgia O'Keeffe painting and other artwork. I have bookshelves set up so all my books are accessible by walking across my bedroom/office. But that's life, and we aren't moving far, and while we will still only have a one-year lease, we are both pretty confident who we're renting from won't have any reason to kick us out (in this year's case, it wasn't anything to do with us, but our landlord decided to exercise their option to move back in after our lease was up).

We have adapted to so many things: job losses, family deaths, loss of income, jealousy. We've adapted to new towns and new circumstances. We've seen each other at our best and our worst. We're working on learning how to argue more productively. Friday, we went to Grounds for Sculpture, which was stunningly gorgeous. I wasn't quite prepared for how grandiose it would be. We lucked out with a sunny but slightly chilly day, and bundled up, I was happy to roam around most of the day, punctuated by a lovely lunch at their restaurant, Rat's. We so rarely get a weekday together and if we do, are usually on our computers.


Summertime Lady by David Hostetler (side view)

Then we came home and watched the news about Paris. It was such a jarring juxtaposition to see this artwork that celebrated life and love and, I believe, timelessness, contrasted with such horrific violence.

Then yesterday, we set off for Westchester. We had a little day adventure planned, but when we checked into our hotel, it was awful. As in, we stayed for as long as it took to book another room and left. It was a little tense; I'd been so relieved to be out of the car, and there we were, getting in another one. But guess what? We not only got a refund because my boyfriend calmly but firmly told them why the room didn't work (it was very dirty and it smelled), but we found a suite at a new hotel for only abut $30 more that also had a jacuzzi hot tub we could both fit in!

Now, my boyfriend is a big guy, so this is a rare occurrence. I didn't even know he'd want to get in. But we positioned ourselves and turned up the hot water and then the jets, while I drank a tea that was still hot 20 minutes after I got it. We didn't stay long, but I just kept looking around like, What? This is my life, that I get to randomly be in a jacuzzi hot tub with someone who cares about me so much and looks out for me at every turn?

There were other moments of unexpectedness, like curving roads that I was so relieved we passed that I almost cried (I'm extremely afraid of cars, though I'm better than I used to be). I'm not saying we are both perfectly calm 24/7, but that we are each both able to roll with any given unexpected situation, or one of us can help guide the other through it. We even shared a bed, two nights after telling the world why separate beds are good for our relationship. But with the help of earplugs for him and a king-size bed, we did it. In fact, he's sleeping in that bed right now while I type this at seven in the morning.

So no, I have no idea what the future holds. But I have a feeling we are going to make it for the long haul, as long as we can continue to adapt to change in whatever form it takes.

My 40th birthday photo shoot on why my boyfriend and I sleep in separate beds is in the New York Post

I've been 40 for 4 days, and they've been a whirlwind! On Tuesday, my 40th birthday, I woke up very early, around 5 a.m. (I was born at 3:59 a.m., and was a preemie; I was supposed to be born in February 1976), then spent the day celebrating the release of my new erotica anthology Dirty Dates, writing two articles for Salon, teaching my LitReactor class, going to dinner with my boyfriend and a coworker, and having my photo taken for this New York Post article on couples with separate beds. I only have a few photos of my boyfriend and I from our almost four years together, so that was fun and special, all the more so because he's pretty camera and press shy (yes, my opposite!), but did it for me. Thank you to Anna Davies for writing the article and contacting me to be interviewed, and to Alex M for the great photos. This is what a 40-year-old writer with a stuffed animal in her bed looks like!

The article got a lot of buzz, including a mention on In The Papers on NY1, a discussion on Live with Kelly and Michael, another interview with me at Yahoo Health, a Jezebel post and a great exploration at The Frisky on your ideal cohabitation situation. The most amusing part to me is that the original New York Post headline changed during the day to the current one. If my life is boring (which, I admit, parts of it are), I say, the more boring, the better!

Washington Post article on how to fight with your significant other

As you probably know, I'll take almost any opportunity to use my personal life as fodder for my writing. Which may sound bad, but is both honest and, I hope, I learn things as I write that can improve my relationship. That's certainly the case with my latest Washington Post Solo-ish article on "How to fight with your significant other." Thanks to Sherry Amateinstein, Mark Michaels and Patricia Johnson for sharing their expertise. (In case you missed it, my first piece for them was on why I don't want to get married.)

My Washington Post essay on why I don't want to get married

My essay "I love my boyfriend, but I never want to get married" is up today at The Washington Post's Solo-ish section. The title pretty much tells you what it's about. Whether you agree with me or not, I hope you'll check it out. Yes, I'm pushing myself to pitch new markets and kick my own ass in light of the end of my weekly column, and so far, it's working.

The best gift my boyfriend ever gave me

I got some good news this week about something I'll be writing, which I will share when it's published, but in a nutshell, it's about sex (shocking, I know!). Specifically, sex with my boyfriend, aka the person I plan to spend the rest of my life with. This is by far the longest relationship I've ever been in; last week we celebrated three and a half years together, and it's therefore also the relationship I've written about the most.

Over the years, I've covered whether my having two Hitachi Magic Wand vibrators is bad for our relationship and what I've learned falling for a fat man, as well as multiple pieces in my ebook Sex & Cupcakes: A Juicy Collection of Essays. But it doesn't really get easier to tell the person you love, "By the way, I'm going to be writing about our sex life for a national publication." Or about other aspects of our life. Yet that's what I do, both to make a living, and because it's an intrinsic part of who I am, how I make sense of and process my world, how I figure out what I think and how I share and connect my experiences with others'.

The greatest thing he's ever given me isn't the Georgia O'Keeffe print of my favorite of her paintings, or the stuffed animal he won me one an epic Jersey Shore boardwalk date, or the other stuffed animal that I sleep with that he surprised me with, or the time he impromptu booked us a staycation at our favorite NYC hotel. It's been rolling with the fact that I write about my life, and by extension, his life. I try to do so with as much respect and honesty and openness as I can, but still, I know that dating me is not the same as dating someone who doesn't expose herself and various intimacies pretty much all the time.

He doesn't just roll with it, but encourages me to write, even when it's about topics that might make him uncomfortable, even though it's almost always about things he would never share publicly in a million years. He is always genuinely happy for me when I hit a career milestone, or even when I sort through all the fear and shame and neuroses in my head, which is sometimes so thick I can barely get a word onto the page and simply share whatever it is that's been circling up there, and get something out into the world.

The longer we are together, the deeper that gift resonates, because even though I don't use his full name in my writing, anyone who knows me at all well knows who he is. Yet anyone who knows me well also hopefully knows how much writing means to me, and that I would not truly be myself with it. I'm sure that doesn't necessarily make it easier to be in my boyfriend's position, and I can't emphasize enough how grateful I am that he has never told me, or even asked me, not to write something. He's never taken up my offer to vet something beforehand and has always trusted me, which is just one of the many things that makes him amazing.

This is a constant process of negotiation, though, on my part, of figuring out a) what's important enough to me to want to write about, b) what's marketable and where and in what form and c) what's mine to discuss and what's not. I don't necessarily have hard and fast answers, but I feel like it's not a coincidence that my freelance writing has soared while in this relationship, because I've had that freedom, and on a day when I am brainstorming what I will write about us in bed, I wanted to acknowledge that.

Want to know more about the ins and outs of writing very personal nonfiction about your sex life, and get my advice on how to do it ethically and profitably? I'll be talking about that and much more at my CatalystCon sex writing workshop on September 11th in Burbank, California. If you won't be at CatalystCon, stay tuned by signing up for my monthly newsletter for an upcoming online version of that class. To those who are also navigating the tricky terrain of being true to yourself in your writing while also respecting others in your life, I wish you much success, internally and externally.

Would you go on 52 dates in a year, on purpose? Meet the woman who is!

In this week's sex column for Philadelphia City Paper, I profiled single Philadelphia lady Melissa Toler about Project 52 Dates, which finds her going on 52 dates in 2015. Her reasons for embarking on the project and what she's learned about men and herself are not what I expected. Want to read more? Check out my column archives, and feel free to email me at rachelcitypaper at gmail dot com with future column topic suggestions.

Why I'm over engagements as signs of winning at life

Or, "Why Marriages Cannot Be End Goals (And The Ways We Still Convince Women They Are)", my latest essay at Thought Catalog. Yes, I've been writing a lot lately - another article will probably publish tonight and I'm researching and interviewing away. What's funny is that even though I am not a fan of the marriage industrial complex, I am as sappy and romantic as a person can get.

Essay on dating a fat man at YouBeauty

Yes, size is something that comes up in a lot of my work, from my erotica, such as in my new story "Big Bottom" in The Big Book of Domination to my book Sex & Cupcakes. It's something that's personal and political and that I think touches so much of society. So my latest essay is "What I’ve Learned About Size and Body Image by Dating a Fat Man" at YouBeauty. It's my first piece for them, so if you like it, I'd love it if you'd share/comment there. Jessica Wakeman is an editor there now (formerly at The Frisky) and is bringing lots of fascinating content around looks, gender, body image and more.

I'm not edible, I'm monogamous

I just got this email regarding my newsletter, which you can sign up for on the left-hand side of rachelkramerbussel.com (I am very excited about using MailChimp, which is making me want to send a newsletter every day but I promise to keep it to two a month, max!), and it amused me enough to post it:

every time I get your monthly letter I found you more edible. Are you married?

I'm not married, although that line between married and unmarried often feels murky. Technically, legally, no, I am not. But as my boyfriend and I attended a wedding this weekend, of course we discussed it. "We're fake married," I said. "No, we're married, we just haven't done the paperwork," he said. Fair enough. That is a gigantic, huge distinction in the eyes of the law, and that is a separate topic. But in my heart, yes, I'm married. I take a lot of surveys and hate when the distinction is "single" vs. "married," though most of them now have a spot for domestic partnership.

As to the other question, technically, legally, no, I am not edible (sorry, cannibals). But it's a funny line, because certainly with my book cover for Sex & Cupcakes I was aiming for a sexy cover, to lure readers in. The inside is a little bit more serious and thoughtful. There's sex, and cupcakes, but there's also a lot about how sexuality intersects with the rest of my life, how there's a mountain of stereotypes attached to you the minute you publish erotica or anything about sex, and sometimes I play with and into those, as with my book cover. I don't mind that I've taken sexy photos and used them as part of my articles or "brand," to use today's modern buzzword, because that is also part of who I am. If I dressed every day in a very austere manner, it would seem more jarring to me. But I'm basically myself on the page and in person, and I want that to come across in my writing.

Clearly this person did not read my essay "Monogamishmash," which reads in part:

Now, when I get a crush on someone, or even the inkling that a crush might start, or a fantasy, I know that it's starting from a solid foundation. I don't need the outside relationship to feel happy or fulfilled in my life overall; I want it to enhance the wonderful life I already have. To me, that is a key difference, whether I take advantage of it or not. I know our love is secure, and that nobody can "break us up."

If he'd read it, he would have seen that the only person who gets to "eat" me these days is my guy. Will that change someday? Possibly. Whether we are married or not, that question is separate. But it's a line I toe, and think about; would it be better for my author image to pretend to be single? I don't seriously consider that because there would be no way I could pull that off when I keep wanting to write about my relationship. Anyway, I thought it was an interesting question, one that wasn't so simple to answer. I may not be edible, but hopefully I'm likeable.

Read "Monogamishmash" and more in Sex & Cupcakes, out now for $4.99 on Kindle.

My heart tattoo, almost three years later

I got this tattoo almost three years ago, in November 2011, two months before the fateful first date that brought me to my current boyfriend.



I tell the story behind the tattoo in my Thought Catalog Books ebook Sex & Cupcakes in the essay "Wearing My Tattooed Heart On My Sleeve," the bulk of which I wrote soon afterward. Here's a snippet:

I don't hate my heart for failing me, for leading me down so many dead ends, for being too impulsive when she should be cautious, patient, watchful. Well, that's not entirely true; today, while I'm in a good mood, I don't blame my heart. I can forgive her her fanciful whims, her childlike earnestness, her belief that next time will be better. I've spent so long hating my heart's lack of reason, wanting to slice her up, banish her back to a simple biological role and let my head make the big decisions, but I can't. That's not who I am, not deep down, and now, not on the surface either.

That too was rejected from Modern Love in The New York Times (I can be stubborn and persistent, but I've given up on that hallowed section for now), but was a major turning point for me. I didn't know who I was looking for exactly, when I sat in that chair, I just knew I was going about love the wrong way. I knew it wasn't supposed to be something where you gave 100% and never felt secure. I knew it was supposed to improve my life, not make me feel so off balance and uncertain.

I started 2012 adamantly not looking for love, or at least, that kind of love. I want to fix my stumbling career, I wanted to explore. I booked a trip to Hawaii for a week by myself, on my piddling budget, using frequent flyer miles and a very cheap AirBNB rental, amazed that I, who was struggling on the personal and professional fronts, could do that. But that first date happened just before my trip, so I wound up in a romantic, beautiful setting alone, but not single. There's been so much that's happened since then, paths that my wayward and sometimes impulsive heart has led me, that I didn't know were possible. This weekend we went to a wedding and as we were sitting at the bar talking to a fellow friend of the bride, she said, "How long have you two been married?" I immediately said, "Oh, we're not married," because it just seemed like such a foreign thing to say, and yet it wasn't, not really. That happened once in our first year of dating, checking into a hotel for a staycation, and I laughed about it. Then I wasn't sure exactly where our relationship was heading.

This weekend, hearing it felt like a compliment. My thoughts on marriage have changed and grown as I've learned from those around me, though I still think its benefits are too often wielded like an evil weapon that can boomerang back to hurt people whose only crime is love, but that's another story. I used to tease my cousins that they were an "old married couple" and now I've become part of one. We each have seats on the couch, we have little rituals and nicknames not just for us but for aspects of our house. We say hi to the squirrels and groundhogs and occasional cat that wander into our backyard. I'm sad I won't get to give out Halloween candy to the umpteen little kids in our neighborhood. When I sat down at Sanctuary Tattoo in Portland, Maine, I wanted that physical pain to take away my emotional pain. I wanted to give myself a way of reclaiming my heart and not trying to shut it off. But I wasn't sure at all what that would look like.

The farther I get from that moment, the more I realize how clueless I was. This, the real life everyday silly mixed with serious, opposites attracting kind of love, wasn't something I could plan for. It sometimes still stops me in my tracks. My life is very different from what it was that day I sat down in the chair. My routine is different, my location is different, my work is different and my job is different. I joke sometimes that I write so much about my boyfriend because most days he's the only one I see or talk to. Except when I'm in New York or traveling, I'm not usually meeting up with friends. It's a quieter life, a homey, cozy one. And I love all those little things, that together add up to something far greater than the sum of its parts. My heart isn't immune to getting hurt, to emotional ups and downs, but I also know I can weather them better than I knew in 2011. I'm more sure of myself, more certain that the kind of unconditional love I was looking for actually exists, no matter what flaws or obstacles or issues I have.

I joke when I visit that Portland, Maine is my home away from home, and it feels that way. I feel very me when I'm there. I feel welcomed and peaceful, and who knows? Maybe someday it will be my actual home. I like carrying a little bit of it around with me, where everyone can see it.

Liked this post? Check out my new essay collection ebook Sex & Cupcakes, available now on Kindle for just $4.99.

Fear, writing and doing it anyway with my essay "My Boyfriend's Fat"

Writing about other people can be such a tricky endeavor; you might think it's old hat to me, but it never is. In my new essay collection Sex & Cupcakes I included an essay that got rejected from Modern Love in The New York Times called "My Boyfriend's Fat." It's one I'm proud of but also have been worried about putting out into the world, precisely because it's both personal and about the most important person in my life. Having been featured as a "character" in short stories, I know that it's probably not a barrel of laughs to be the focal point of a personal essay by your significant other. And yet. I did it. It was important to me and for me a way to express both love and frustration at the way our culture talks about fatness and bodies and "health."

So far, the four reviews of the book that are up on Amazon and a blog, all mention the essay.

Clitical:

The essay that hit me the most from a personal point of view is entitled, ‘My Boyfriend is Fat.’ As the wife of a portly middle aged man (ok, he’s fat), I felt for Rachel, and understood every word she wrote. The stupid comments that people make, the judgements that people (who should often know better) make. Although our circumstances are different in someways there were so many things she said through the words on the page that simply made me go, yes, that’s it! Why DO people say that? What does give people the right to judge?

Alyssa on Amazon:

I also liked 'My Boyfriend's Fat' because she talked about the judgement and comments that people make in our society aimed at those who don't fit the "skinny" group. This essay itself had so much emotion and it stuck with me as I myself am overweight.

Ilovebooks on Amazon

They are all entertaining, but I found myself really struck by the essay she wrote about her overweight boyfriend. It was about the prejudices he faced as an overweight man and her attraction to him. I had an overweight family member and I just related a lot to what she had to say about this.

Wendy W on Amazon

I was especially drawn to her compassion for her boyfriend's weight "issue." I put issue in quotes because the people who are making an issue out of seem to be those who are NOT either Rachel or her beau.

Is it wrong to link to those reviews as if they alone validate my desire to write about that topic, or rather, is it wrong for me to want and crave that feedback? I hope not, because I do genuinely crave it. When I've been sending the ebook out to reviewers I've said something like, "I hope you like it, but even if you don't I want to know your thoughts." And I do, even though I also brace myself, because I don't think there's a way to separate judgment about the writing from judgment about, well, your choices, if you're writing memoir or essays. That's the risk you take by going there.

I wrote that essay not for my boyfriend as target audience but for everyone else who's expressed "concern" to me about his size, and for people who make judgments about fat people. I didn't write it from some World's Most Enlightened Person perspective about the topic, because how could I? I grew up in this same culture and have plenty of body issues myself. But even when we don't want to be changed, the people in our lives changed us. I love that that's the essay, along with "Monogamishmash," being highlighted by readers. I already got an email from a stranger via the Thought Catalog Books site (where, it should be noted, "Fuck" gets its full four-letter glory but on Amazon has to be F***" commenting on the title. Those are the essays that are all about my vulnerabilities and some of the conflicts of both my relationship, but hopefully, something a little more universal.

I was uncertain about publishing this fat essay, about naysayers and judgment, and more protective than usual because it's not my life on the line, exposed. The dance between public and private is an ongoing issue in my relationship. It's such a delicate line sometimes and clearly I so often fall on the public side. But for the last two years and nine months, I've learned to treasure all the private, often ridiculous, sometimes sappy moments that are just ours. To me those make what I do share all the more important. It sounds so lofty even as I type this, but I don't just write to purge or for catharsis, although I do believe writing is inherently selfish for me. I write to connect and learn and find out what other people think.

So if that intrigues you, all 9 essays are just $4.99 with the click of a button. I'll post more about the tattoo essay soon too. My heart surprises me all the time and even though the essay about it remains what it is, an essay is never the end of the story, but a moment in time, frozen in words on the page (or screen, as it were).

Because I love writing about my breasts

Updated July 18 (from my new laptop, the Blogger iPhone app is clearly not the best, or I'm not the best at using it.

My laptop is dying a slow death, which I discovered on my flight Monday to Martha's Vineyard, so I until I get to the Apple store or get a Chromebook replacement, I'm doing most things on my iPhone, including this post, my first time using the Blogger iPhone app. I wrote about why my breasts or any woman's shouldn't be a threat to your marriage for a site I adore, Role Reboot.

Why my boyfriend and I sleep in separate bedrooms

is the subject of my latest Refinery29 essay, and it's definitely gotten me reactions from "I'm with you" to "you're missing out."