My Refinery29 essay about being a "domestic failure" is up now

I got personal over at Refinery29 for my essay, "I’m A Feminist, But I Feel Guilty For Being A Domestic Failure." The title pretty much says it all, although the day before it ran, I wound up getting our couch cleaned and it looks amazing, if I do say so myself. Sweetest thing ever: my boyfriend told me he didn't like my essay, because I didn't give myself credit. He thinks I'm a great sous chef and kitchen helper. He already had my heart, but that totally sealed the deal.

Feminism meets art meets technology with Pussy Bow scarves imprinted with images from inside artist Christen Clifford's vagina

The news this week is by and large awful, with shootings and violence and other atrocities. So to lighten the mood, here's my profile of the Pussy Bow scarf, imprinted with an image from inside a woman's vagina. Yes, really. Learn how and why artist Christen Clifford made them at The Daily Dot, and why she's donating 10% of the proceeds to Planned Parenthood.

How the Steubenville rape case inspired new young adult novel What We Saw

Aaron Hartzler's new young adult novel What We Saw, published by HarperTeen, was directly inspired by the Steubenville rape case, and features a similar story line about teens, adults and media in a sports-minded small town questioning whether a sexual assault occurred at a party where teens were drinking and documenting their partying on social media. Check out my interview with Hartzler at Salon, and read the book - it's excellent!

My Q&A with Ashley Manta on her blog post on naming her rapist

For my Shameless Sex column at DAME, I interviewed sex educator Ashley Manta about her blog post entitled, "Naming My Rapist After 15 Years." She posted it on Sunday and agreed to speak with me on pretty short notice for it. I'm grateful she was willing to share her story and have been observing the reactions and impact it's already had in a few short days. Please check out both the interview and her original post.

"My life as a feminist submissive" interview series part 2 at Elle.com

The first entry in my submissive feminist interview series at Elle.com struck a nerve, and on Friday, part 2 went up with the title "My life as a submissive feminist." I see these as an addition to the plethora (though that's an understatement in this case!) of information out there about Fifty Shades of Grey. Why I was especially interested is because I believe in the power of personal stories not to stand in for anyone other than the person telling the story, but as a way to make a topic, in this case, submission, BDSM and feminism, understandable. Maybe relatable, maybe not. I don't think a personal story has to have an agenda, I just think it has to be honest, and these women were extremely honest about a combination of topics that often get treated as if they can't go together.

How slut shaming and sexual violence are connected, at DAME

The topic of slut shaming is far vaster and more insidious than I realized before reading two new books on the topic, I Am Not a Slut: Slut-Shaming in the Age of the Internet by Leora Tanenbaum, and SLUT: A Play and Guidebook for Combating Sexism and Sexual Violence, and I examined what I consider the most troubling aspect of this for my latest column at DAME. There was a lot I didn't have room for, but I hope this helps foster conversation and especially encourage all of you who have teenagers in your lives to check out StopSlut and the play SLUT. I saw it last year and was very moved; it's a powerful piece of art that brought this issue home from the voices of teenage girls.

Feminism, BDSM and submission at Elle.com

I profiled a woman who is nothing like Anastasia Steele for "What It's Really Like to Be a Submissive and a Feminist" at Elle.com. Please check it out and if you like it, feel free to share it on your social media accounts. I like that they asked me to do an as told to because so many pieces about submission in the wake of Fifty Shades of Grey have drawn giant, sweeping, problematic conclusions about submissive women. This is one woman's story (and of course, she said a lot of other amazing stuff but I couldn't include it all, but still, I thought what she had to say was fascinating).

Money, Guilt, Freelancing and Feminism

All of those topics are wrapped into my new DAME essay, "I Feel Guilty for Not Being the Breadwinner." Freelancing is key here, because a) I never know exactly how much I will earn in a given week/month/year ahead of time and b) don't know when I will receive payment for what I've earned. This makes it very challenging to budget and plan. So it's not so much that I don't make enough money to pay my bills (at least, while the erotica book market is in my favor), it's that that money doesn't always arrive in a timely fashion. I've had weird things lately where places that usually pay me one way suddenly paid in another way, or checks sent to old addresses, or delays, and all of it makes me feel guilty and uncertain. Read more at DAME, where I've got another one coming up related to sex.

Talking sex, feminism, romance and The Fault in Our Stars with romance novelist Eloisa James

For Vulture's No Respect Week, I interviewed romance novelist Eloisa James, who's also a tenured Fordham professor of English literature, about feminism, sexuality, why romance is so hated, The Fault in Our Stars and more.

My interview with Julie Maroh, author of graphic novel Blue Is the Warmest Color

Blue Is the Warmest Color is a graphic novel, originally published in French and out this month from Arsenal Pulp Press, about two women who fall in love, and the movie version is getting a lot of buzz. I interviewed author and artist Julie Maroh at Salon about her artistic process, the sex scenes in the book, feminism, her message for queer youth and more. If you like the interview, I'd love it if you'd spread the word and like it on Facebook. I hope to have more author Q&As coming up soon too, because I'm reading lots of fascinating books.

My Go Topless Day article, about bare breasts and feminism

My latest for Medium is "On Go Topless Day, a look at topless activism and the law" (subtitle: "Should women defend our right to bare our breasts in public?") and I will once again ask that if you like it, click "recommend" at the bottom. I hope this piece leads to more writing for them, and the recommends help. The article is about today being Go Topless Day, women who've been arrested for going topless , and a look at topless and topfree activism, with detours into things like nurse-ins and the journalist who took her top off in the middle of interviewing a mayor. How could I not find this subject fascinating? If you click on the link in my article for The Outdoor Co-Ed Topless Pulp Fiction Society, you can see some photos of my boobs, and a different topless lady reading my book Cheeky Spanking Stories, along with us in the Washington Square Park fountain, enjoying gelato, and generally having a wonderful day. if you're into that kind of thing. I hope to cover (pun intended--there are many to be made!) another of their events soon.

Why writing about feminism for The Frisky gave my week a big boost

I was thrilled to be asked to write a response piece for The Frisky, and what I wrote was: "Feminism Deserves Better Than 'Sex-Negative Vs. Sex-Positive.'" If you like it, I'd love it if you'd pass it on on Facebook and/or Twitter, etc. Thank you! A snippet:

Horowitz makes it sound like there is, and should be, yet another giant division within feminism—sex-negative vs. sex-positive, and that those lines are evenly divided. When she writes, “One of the truisms of sex-critical and sex-negative feminism is, ‘We can’t fuck our way to freedom,’” the default assumption is that sex-positive feminists are saying that we can, indeed, fuck our way to freedom. It’s not that simple—nor should it be. I won’t argue that many of her views probably are counter to those of many sex-positive feminists, but after reading her piece twice, I was left with the notion that in fact there are more commonalities than differences. I can only speak for myself, but I’m in favor of more sexual options for everyone, more sex education, and abolishing the idea that anything related to sex is “compulsory.”
Read the whole thing

A few reasons why this made me happy: I've been pitching and researching a lot, and it's slow going, so to be asked to write something, to be recognized as a person who'd have a strong opinion about sex-positive feminism and be able to articulate it, was a boost to my ego. Writing the piece made me realize just how many pieces of information I have floating in my head about the topic--though I'm sure given more time I could've come up with more. I had a brainstorm about a way to tie in beloved blog post (the Momastery one, read the essay to know what I'm talking about). That felt big to me, and I'm grateful. It's a little unusual of an analogy, but it felt fitting. Lastly, I'm proudest of having written it, fast. I've been plagued by writer's block and overthinking, which are tough habits to break. I'm still working on those. In this case, I thought about the piece as I traveled home from my mini-working vacation on Martha's Vineyard, then started furiously writing Thursday morning, took a meeting with the Literary Vixens, and came home and finished it.

Is it perfect? No, but nothing I write will ever be perfect because perfection is a myth. Is it work I'm proud of? Yes. Did I try my best? Yes. Do I think I contributed something valuable to the conversation? Yes. Will it help me pay my rent? Yes. Did writing it buoy me as I pitch, pitch, pitch? Yes. So it's all good. I am working hard to focus on the positive rather than the negative, the achievements rather than the times I got way too ahead of myself. I'm still trying to make a trip to Edinburgh happen. I feel like I'm on a precipice, and it's up to me which direction I head: down or up. I know well what down feels like, so I'm curious to feel the triumph of up again.

My Feminist Porn Awards and Feminist Porn Conference report

My report on the Feminist Porn Awards and Feminist Porn Conference is up at The Daily Beast! I'm so glad I attended. I learned so much and am very proud of this piece, and grateful to all my sources, including those I didn't get to include. And my apologies; I misquoted Tristan Taormino who calls her porn "fair trade," not "free trade." If any editors are reading this, I'd love to go back next year and write about it again. Hope you like the piece, and thank you to Good for Her and Tristan Taormino for putting on thought-provoking, wonderful events.

My review of The Feminist Porn Book

My review of The Feminist Porn Book, edited by Tristan Taormino, Celine Parreñas Shimizu, Constance Penley, and Mireille Miller-Young, is up at The Hairpin, and I will be covering next month's Feminist Porn Awards and Conference, so stay tuned!

Lolo Jones, virginity, feminism and sexual freedom

I wrote "Leave Lolo Jones And Her Virginity Alone!" for The Frisky. Here's a snippet:

Maybe it seems strange for someone who makes a living writing about sex and who has been sexually active since age 17 to be sticking up for a 29-year-old virgin, but I see this as a wider issue. To me, sexual freedom means being able to make your own sexual choices for whatever reasons you like and not be shamed for them. Saying that you have the right to make your own decisions but that your reasoning is faulty is like being pro-choice but saying a woman should only have an abortion for a “good” reason. The problem is that “good” is subjective, as is “gift.” If Jones is a role model for other virgins, I don’t see why that’s a bad thing, as long as being a virgin isn’t being upheld as the only way to be “good.” At The Washington Post, Rahiel Tesfamariam laments the media’s desire to focus on black women at the extremes of celibate or promiscuous, and writes, “Our abstinence is presented as a superhuman, radical break from the norm, one made only by devout Christians — when factors such as sexually transmitted diseases, pregnancy and infidelity make it a far more commonplace choice than the public realizes.” To that end, I’m glad that Jones acknowledged that being a virgin isn’t necessarily easy (in a statement ready-made for headlines, she said being a virgin has been “harder than training for the Olympics”).

Read the whole thing

SlutWalk NYC

From today's SlutWalk NYC. I'm writing about this one, the Las Vegas SlutWalk and the phenomenon for The Frisky, including the best sign I saw. One that's too racy (aka, nipples!) for Lusty Lady (I know, what? But this blog feeds to Amazon and I can't afford to get on their bad side). Stay tuned. Follow the SlutWalk NYC site, linked above, and @SlutWalkNYC on Twitter, for ongoing events, including their October 13th meeting.

SlutWalk NYC is happening October 1st, noon, Union Square

I'm bummed that I didn't know that SlutWalk NYC was holding an erotic bingo fundraiser Tuesday night (my bad). Bingo is one of my favorite activities!



But I wanted to let you know, and please tell anyone in NYC who might be interested, that SlutWalk NYC is happening October 1st at noon at Union Square. Visit slutwalknyc.com for more information. I'm working on an article about the SlutWalk phenomenon that'll run next week and it's inspiring to see what's going on at various SlutWalks, and there are many (just visit the @SlutWalkNYC Twitter feed to see links to many others). They're also on Facebook (as of this posting, 5337 people have RSVPed).





They have a pretty detailed FAQ which I encourage you to read. Here's part of it:

What is slut-shaming?
“Slut” is a derogatory term that is most often used against women who are perceived to be sexual. Women are called sluts for a variety of arbitrary reasons: the clothes they wear, the makeup they wear, their body language, the way they interact with other people, ideas about their sexual behavior, how many partners they may have, or just being perceived in some way as different…The judgment is consistently based on little or no knowledge about a particular woman as a person.

How is SlutWalk NYC different from Take Back the Night?
In many ways SlutWalk NYC and Take Back the Night have similar goals about ending sexual violence. One difference is that SlutWalk NYC is a daytime event, emphasizing that sexual violence can happen at any time. SlutWalk NYC centers trans, genderqueer, gender non-conforming survivors and allies in our organizing and fight for justice. We also welcome male survivors of sexual assault and male allies to participate fully in all events and our organizing.

And from Facebook:

No matter who you are
No matter where you work
No matter how you identify
No matter how you flirt
No matter what you wear
No matter who you choose to love
No matter what you said before:

NO ONE has the right to touch you without your consent. SlutWalk NYC is part of a worldwide grassroots movement challenging rape culture, victim-blaming and slut-shaming*, and working to end sexual and domestic violence.

*SlutWalk NYC’s working definition of slut-shaming: the derogatory, sexist language and policies that are used to shame self-identified women who are perceived as sexual.

"Walking with the sluts" at SlutWalk Toronto

I hope this link works for you - I'm having trouble with it. Benjamin Boles's "Walking with the Sluts" piece for Now Toronto was one of the best things I read all week. I can't quite from it because the link is reverting back to the Now Toronto main page, but it's about why he is supporting the organizers of the very important Sunday, April 3rd event SlutWalk Toronto, which I encourage you to read more about and, if you're in Toronto, attend. From their site:

On January 24th, 2011, a representative of the Toronto Police gave shocking insight into the Force’s view of sexual assault by stating: “women should avoid dressing like sluts in order not to be victimized”.

As the city’s major protective service, the Toronto Police have perpetuated the myth and stereotype of ‘the slut’, and in doing so have failed us. With sexual assault already a significantly under-reported crime, survivors have now been given even less of a reason to go to the Police, for fear that they could be blamed. Being assaulted isn’t about what you wear; it’s not even about sex; but using a pejorative term to rationalize inexcusable behaviour creates an environment in which it’s okay to blame the victim.

Historically, the term ‘slut’ has carried a predominantly negative connotation. Aimed at those who are sexually promiscuous, be it for work or pleasure, it has primarily been women who have suffered under the burden of this label. And whether dished out as a serious indictment of one’s character or merely as a flippant insult, the intent behind the word is always to wound, so we’re taking it back. “Slut” is being re-appropriated.

We are tired of being oppressed by slut-shaming; of being judged by our sexuality and feeling unsafe as a result. Being in charge of our sexual lives should not mean that we are opening ourselves to an expectation of violence, regardless if we participate in sex for pleasure or work. No one should equate enjoying sex with attracting sexual assault.

We are a movement demanding that our voices be heard. We are here to call foul on our Police Force and demand change. We want Toronto Police Services to take serious steps to regain our trust. We want to feel that we will be respected and protected should we ever need them, but more importantly be certain that those charged with our safety have a true understanding of what it is to be a survivor of sexual assault — slut or otherwise.

We are tired of speeches filled with lip service and the apologies that accompany them. What we want is meaningful dialogue and we are doing something about it: WE ARE COMING TOGETHER. As people from all gender expressions and orientations, all walks of life, levels of employment and education, all races, ages, abilities, and backgrounds, from all points of this city and elsewhere.

We are asking you to join us for SlutWalk, to make a unified statement about sexual assault and victims’ rights and to demand respect for all. Whether a fellow slut or simply an ally, you don’t have to wear your sexual proclivities on your sleeve, we just ask that you come. Any gender-identification, any age. Singles, couples, parents, sisters, brothers, children, friends. Come walk or roll or strut or holler or stomp with us.

Join us in our mission to spread the word that those those who experience sexual assault are not the ones at fault, without exception.

To find learn more of the specific event details, please stay tuned to our WHAT/WHERE/WHEN section.

Lost Love and Feminism

Actually two totally separate pieces, but they both went up today. I highly recommend you check out the entire Lost Love issue of Lost Magazine - all our pieces are linked from the cracks in the broken heart! Original art illustrates all our pieces as well.

My short essay for them is called "You." Certainly not the most imaginative title there, or my best work, but it's raw and real and, well, I wrote it.

I posted this last week but it took Huffington Post a while to get it up, it was inspired by Kate Betts' new book Everyday Icon: Michelle Obama and the Power of Style, which I actually liked, except for the part where everything was "post-feminist," hence my piece: "'Post-Feminist:' Why Ubiquitous Use of the Term is an Insult to Feminism"

More essays coming this week about jealousy, interracial dating, dermatology and anthology editing, cause I'm versatile like that! Also working on what I'm calling a "mini memoir" plus lots of fiction. The whole not dating thing, plus setting aside Friday nights and much of my weekends for writing, has made me a wee bit more productive.

Listen to me on January 5 talk about travel sex and The Mile High Club and feminist sex on the 11th

I'm moving and updating this post...the feminist radio show was moved to January 11th.

Tomorrow, January 5th, you can listen to me on Audio Smut talking about travel sex, and, specifically, my book The Mile High Club: Plane Sex Stories. I read an excerpt from Matt Conklin's dirty old man story "Wild Child" (and reveal Matt's real identity) and a very cool reading, with sound effects, from "Top Banana" by Craig J. Sorensen.



I was interviewed for a feminist radio show This is What a Feminist Sounds Like and you can listen this Tuesday, January 11th at 6 pm EST (4 pm MST)>

Directions to stream live:

1. make sure your Itunes is open and updated.
2. go to kbga.org
3. on the home page, you will see a radio tower on the top right corner. Click this and ITunes will pick it up almost instantly!!