Two new memoirs reviewed at Huffington Post

I reviewed two memoirs at The Huffington Post, The Art of Sleeping Alone by Sophie Fontanel and Confessions of a Latter-day Virgin by Nicole Hardy, both of which I included in my 9 Memoirs About Not Having Sex roundup at Bustle.

Photos and review of Dubai ice bar Chill Out Lounge

I wrote up my visit to ice bar Chill Out Lounge in Dubai for Huffington Post Travel (I meant 21.20 ºF not -21.20 ºF). I'd included all the photos below in my submission but I don't see them on the site, so here they are! I love travel and have my heart set on going to the Ice Hotel in December 2013, I want to learn about travel writing as best I can and someday I hope to get published by sites like Fathom (I actually submitted this piece there but didn't hear back), but who knows? I'm learning, every single day, how to be a freelance writer.

"So What If Monica Lewinsky Is Single? An Open Letter to the Daily Mail"

I wrote "So What If Monica Lewinsky Is Single? An Open Letter to the Daily Mail" at Huffington Post. And yes, people like Perez Hilton and others picked it up, but it's a tabloid story, and a dumb one at that.

Dear The Daily Mail,

I understand that you need to sell newspapers, but I read your article on Monica Lewinsky twice and, after coming away with no new information about her each time, am puzzled over why you would print this. Is her single status really news?

While you thoroughly rehashed the fact that Bill Clinton basically had an affair with her then threw her under the bus, we already knew that. You quote her extensively from 2004... seven years ago. The only new quotes come from a "friend" of hers in the National Enquirer.

Read the whole thing

Lost Love and Feminism

Actually two totally separate pieces, but they both went up today. I highly recommend you check out the entire Lost Love issue of Lost Magazine - all our pieces are linked from the cracks in the broken heart! Original art illustrates all our pieces as well.

My short essay for them is called "You." Certainly not the most imaginative title there, or my best work, but it's raw and real and, well, I wrote it.

I posted this last week but it took Huffington Post a while to get it up, it was inspired by Kate Betts' new book Everyday Icon: Michelle Obama and the Power of Style, which I actually liked, except for the part where everything was "post-feminist," hence my piece: "'Post-Feminist:' Why Ubiquitous Use of the Term is an Insult to Feminism"

More essays coming this week about jealousy, interracial dating, dermatology and anthology editing, cause I'm versatile like that! Also working on what I'm calling a "mini memoir" plus lots of fiction. The whole not dating thing, plus setting aside Friday nights and much of my weekends for writing, has made me a wee bit more productive.

Better late than never link love and some thoughts on the submissions process and editorial wishlists

I just don't get to update here as often as I'd like, but I do post links to my articles, news and reviews promptly on my Facebook fan page.

A few recent things I wrote:

College Sex Scribes Are Campus Stars" at Alternet - my review of Daniel Reimold's Sex and the University (Rutgers University Press). Lede: "Is That a Gold Medal Between Your Tits?"

"Would You Send a Pink Toy to a Baby Boy?" at Huffington Post - I did. Includes mention of Peggy Orenstein's fascinating new book Cinderella Ate My Daughter. And aww...my friend Diana Joseph posted a photo of her son with the toy on FB. He's a fan, apparently. Opening:

Dear Diana,

I know Teddy is a boy, but I'm sending this pink block because it's my favorite baby toy, and the only one I had left of a stash I'd bought. I really hope he likes it, and that I can visit soon and shake it at him. I can't seem to find them from the place I used to get them, and they've been a big hit with the babies I know, and hope it's okay that I'm sending it. Yes, I feel a little silly sending this, but didn't want you to think I didn't know his gender.

Keep reading

And some reviews from Dirty Sexy Books:

Review of Smooth: Erotic Stories for Women. Part that fascinated me most:

“The Sushi Girl” by Anika Gupta was another story that I loved. This one was all about the sensuality for me. A girl laying on a table naked and covered in Sushi is an incredibly erotic image. The story is told from her point of view and it was so interesting to read it and imagine being the one laying there. The men in the room are not allowed to touch her with bare hands, instead they must use their chopsticks to get their food. Sometimes dialog can take away from the mood with just a wrong word and this story ramps up the intensity for me because she never says a word, and they do not speak to her either.

There was one story that made me feel so uncomfortable I could not even finish reading it. The story was “Eden” by Molly Slate. This story is about Adam and Eve; yes THAT Adam and Eve. When I think about Adam and Eve, I think about God and the Bible and Church. You know who goes to church? My parents. I can not feel even a little bit sexy when any of those things enter my brain.

Visit official Smooth site for more information.



Review of Best Bondage Erotica 2011, which I'm so glad tapped into the diversity. More on that after the quote.

All of the stories here feel very genuine– the writing is fantastic (there’s a welcome lack of the embarrassing euphemisms that sometimes plague erotic writing) and the narration is nearly always pitch-perfect. “Truss Issues” by Lux Zakari is narrated by a woman who is simultaneously terrified and aroused by her partner’s bondage kink, and the story deals not only with the sex but also with the overcoming of her trust issues.

I was a little nervous that the collection would be very homogeneous, but almost every kind of coupling is presented here (there’s male/male in “Relative Anonymity” by Emerald, and some wonderful lesbian scenes, especially in “Foreign Exchange” by Evan Mora), and the more traditional handcuffs are often replaced by crazier things (Ethernet cables! Plastic wrap! Seat belts!).

That variety is exactly what I'm looking for as I edit the 2012 edition. Of course a book of bondage erotica is going to appeal to a more niche audience than some of the others ones (my money, literally and figuratively, is on Gotta Have It to be my "breakout" book) and what I'm always looking for, otherwise, even excellent stories just don't stand out from each other. It's why I often have to reject great stories, and I think that process, as hellish as it is (there have been times having to reject stories made me want to quit editing anthologies altogether, it sucks so much), has taught me to be a better writer and to think way outside the box. I'm not saying be different just for the sake of being different, but on my end, there are themes that emerge and unless that's the actual theme of the book, there are only so many similar-type stories I can put in any one book before I risk alienating/boring readers.

Some things I can't help, like that the majority of stories that came in are from the submissive's point of view. That always happens and I've concluded that there is perhaps more "action" from the bottom's POV, and also that it's harder to tell a story of a dominant person without them sounding like an asshole. Of course it can be done well, but I think for many that's a more challenging viewpoint, to try to get at the heart of sadism. It's why when I edit nonfiction books I get a million and one "I'm a submissive feminist" essays and have truly yet to see the corollary from a man. I know from personal experience they are out there and that essay? Would love to read it/see it, but I also see the risks a man, especially, but a dominant woman, too, would have to take to attach their real name to a piece on why they love slapping/biting/binding/hurting women in a consensual BDSM context (I have zero interest in knowing why anyone would want to do that in a nonconsensual context, that's not what I'm talking about).

So that is my long-winded way of saying that diversity is what keeps me editing, keeps me looking. There are so many more diverse things I want, too, like less white-lady-with-exotic-man-of-color without the corollary, and older characters, and varied settings, but my new motto is "the perfect is the enemy of the good." I can't file books late waiting for "the perfect story" to come down the pike. Being an editor of an anthology is largely a passive waiting/wishing act, for me, anyway, but the reward really is that I get to discover so many new writers, which is another thing I have to balance. Yeah, maybe by writing this and thinking about it too much I make the process too hard. We'll see. Also for some anthologies I get over 100 submissions, like for Women in Lust but apparently oral sex is not that popular of a topic because that one (Going Down) I got a lot fewer submissions. I was hoping to file that book before I went to California, but I will have to see if I have enough or have to extend the deadline. That's how that works on my end; when I extend a deadline, it's because I'm still waiting for that mythical (or not) "perfect story." And that's the beautiful/maddening part of the public call for submissions: the unknown.

There are other reviews but some are very short so these were the meatier ones, but do check out Dirty Sexy Books for, well, reviews of Dirty Sexy Books and postings by book lovers.

The final word on "porn for women"

By which I don't mean porn aimed at women but the Porn for Women series of books I wrote about in 2007 at The Huffington Post in "Is There Such a Thing as 'Porn for Women?'"

I found the book slightly amusing at first, then rather annoying in its simplistic take on what's truly a complex topic: how equally does or doesn't play out in our daily lives. Firstly, the word "straight," as it often is when it comes to the catchall phrase "women," is implied. Second, the book deals with an array of common complaints by women about men ─ they're obsessed with sports, don't cook or do enough chores, skimp out on foreplay ─ that could just as easily read as clichés. It's a greatest hits compilation of the unequal division of labor, yet to me, something about it rings false. Perhaps because the wink-wink assumption behind the satire is that men wouldn't or don't really do these tasks, and if they do, it's in such a grandiose way they aren't just performing the chores, but are thrilled about it. I know plenty of self-sufficient men who are far neater than I am (admittedly, not a high standard), and ones who share in childcare and housework. Maybe they don't love every minute of it, but who does?



xkcd (via Feministing)

Book Trailer 101 at Huffington Post

If you're on Huffington Post as a blogger or commenter, please fan me on there. My latest piece for them, "Book Trailer 101", includes quotes from Erin Bried, Wendy Nelson Tokunaga, Elissa Stein, Chris Pitzer and A.R. Silverberry about book trailers!

Last month, in the name of book promotion, I hopped in the shower, made out in the street, drank from a water fountain in Central Park, gyrated behind a curtain and flashed my underwear. What for? All to promote my latest anthology Peep Show: Erotic Tales of Voyeurs and Exhibitionists--specifically, for the book trailer, shot in New York by a very talented friend of mine who's directed my previous trailers. I had the good fortune of being granted the use of a song by one of my favorite bands, Ida, one that fits perfectly with the theme of the trailer, and since it's an anthology, I had a range of seductive stories to use for voiceovers (an added bonus: the book's contributors blogged about the trailer and were excited to be included). For someone with a limited budget, little time or money to travel, in a niche genre like erotica, a book trailer is the perfect way to start spreading the word while expanding on the theme of my book--and having a little fun in the process!

read the whole piece at Huffington Post

What I've Learned in Four Years of Running My Erotic Reading Series

I wrote something new for the first time in ages for the Huffington Post. It's called, shockingly (too tired to make up something different for this post's title) "What I've Learned in Four Years of Running My Erotic Reading Series.

Also check out HuffPo's new books section.

My interview with Purge: Rehab Diaries author Nicole Johns

I interviewed Purge: Rehab Diaries author Nicole Johns for Huffington Post.

I'd love it if you'd pass this on to anyone interested in the topic of eating disorders. I found her book fascinating because she was not a size 2 or 0, but a size 9.

I don't write for free that often anymore because I finally got it through my head that I shouldn't have to, that actually, I'm worth more than that. But sometimes I do and in this case I think it was well worth it. Nicole's answers to my questions were insightful and I think add depth what's been written about the topic.

Kudos to Rattled! author Christine Coppa

Normally I'd have ordered Glamour's Storked! blogger Christine Coppa's single mom memoir Rattled!* by now so that Amazon.com would be mailing it to me, but because of Amazonfail I haven't, but I will seek it out in a real bookstore tomorrow or Wednesday. She's reading Wednesday night at the Barnes & Noble in Greenwich Village and her son JD will also be making an appearance.


Anyway, what I wanted to share is how refreshing it was to read this simple statement from Coppa in her interview by Lynne Shear at The Huffington Post:

The great thing about your blog is that you readily admit your own mistakes.

My ex and I had sex, fully aware I was not on the pill and he was not wearing a condom and I take full responsibility for that and tell people religiously on my blog I was stupid for having sex sans protection. And by the way, having a baby isn't the only responsible version of my story. Choosing to have an abortion or adoption because you can't support the child or don't want to be a mother is also quite responsible.

She doesn't say her way was the only way. She doesn't make it about anything other than her taking responsibility and making the best out of the situation she found herself in. Kudos to Coppa for making such a simple yet so important statement.

*Yes, I am linking to Amazon because I'm part of their affiliate program and I do believe they are working to fix their "embarrassing and ham-fisted cataloging error," even though I think they were late to the fixing game and still having put the rankings back for my books, but I'll save the rest of that sage for another post.

Sex Under Obama

My friend Ellen Friedrichs has a great piece up at Nerve about Obama's policies on sex:

While I was teaching a sixth-grade sex-ed class recently, one of my students deviated from a discussion on the perils of puberty to ask, "Do you think Obama will have sex with his wife in the White House?"

Given the anti-sex climate of the previous administration, I thought the question was not just that of a twelve-year-old looking for a laugh. So puberty talk was temporarily shelved and I said, "I sure hope so." The kids looked a little miffed, but I meant it. A president in a sexless marriage is probably not someone we want with his finger on the button. If the last eight years have taught us anything about the subject, it's that a fear of sex doesn't make it go away. It just leaves people more vulnerable to the risks it can bring.

It's not that I envision the President endorsing the "Head O State" dildo, or promoting the benefits of masturbation for prostate health, but I'd like to think that in addition to having the occasional cocktail or staying up past nine, Obama will also be looser on matters regarding the sexual behaviors of the public.

Keep reading

And Amy Sohn has a very different piece up on Huffington Post called "Hope Sex: Real-Life Tales Of Getting Lucky In The Age Of Obama." I'm not really sure what to make of all the "I got in the mood cause of Obama" hype, which seems to be all over. It seems almost...juvenile. Not that the political climate doesn't affect how we live our sex lives, but something about the roleplaying thing weirds me out:

Stephen, the musician, suggests some hope sex may be fueled by the sexual appeal of the Obamas themselves. Handsome (but not too handsome), confident, and affable, the President-elect is popular with men, who like him but are not threatened by him. Obama is to men what Sarah Jessica Parker is to women.

"I've seen him with his shirt off and I feel like I could take him," says Stephen. "He is something my wife and I can both agree on, and I can be Barack and she can be Michelle. Maybe I'll suggest that tonight."

And there's info on this event here - Amy Sohn's on a panel with Ian Kerner, Esther Perel, Corey Silverber and Lenore Tiefer about sex on February 20th that I'm going to (and so is Ellen) about the sexual conversation in this country. Really looking forward to it.

Latest on Huffington Post, "The Media's Sexual Irresponsibility"

I'm off to my reading, didn't get too much writing done today, but I did write this latest Huffington Post piece, "The Media's Sexual Irresponsibility."

How complete is The Huffington Post Complete Guide to Blogging?

Will The Huffington Post Complete Guide to Blogging fare better than Gawker's ill-fated (and, imo, not so funny) Gawker Guide to Conquering All Media? Judging from its amazin rank of 1,114, it's very likely. As a reader and sometime contributor to The Huffington Post, though, I wonder if these authors are getting paid for their contributions? And I'm not really sure if the process of running a massive site like The Huffington Post is comparable to running a blog; not that the editors don't now about these topics, but the path is going to be much more challenging for any individual than for someone with the resources of a gigantic site.

I love blogging, but I wonder if people just starting to blog now, if inspired by the success of some bloggers, like ones with book deals, are looking to simply cash in? After all, The Huffington Post themselves didn't add any more in their plug than what's on Amazon. How helpful of a guide will this really be to the "experienced blogger looking to break through the clutter of the Internet?" I guess we'll find out.

The editors of The Huffington Post -- the most linked-to blog on the web -- offer an A-Z guide to all things blog, with information for everyone from the tech-challenged newbie looking to get a handle on this new way of communicating to the experienced blogger looking to break through the clutter of the Internet. With an introduction by Arianna Huffington, the site's cofounder and editor in chief, this book is everything you want to know about blogging, but didn't know who to ask.

As entertaining as it is informative, The Huffington Post Complete Guide to Blogging will show you what to do to get your blog started. You'll find tools to help you build your blog, strategies to create your community, tips on finding your voice, and entertaining anecdotes from HuffPost bloggers that will make you wonder what took you so long to blog in the first place.

The Guide also includes choice selections from HuffPost's wide-ranging mix of top-notch bloggers. Among those who have blogged on HuffPost are Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton, Larry David, Jane Smiley, Bill Maher, Nora Ephron, Jon Robin Baitz, Steve Martin, Lawrence O'Donnell, Ari Emanuel, Mia Farrow, Al Franken, Gary Hart, Barbara Ehrenreich, Edward Kennedy, Harry Shearer, Nancy Pelosi, Adam McKay, John Ridley, and Alec Baldwin.

"How Many Partners Makes You Promiscuous?" on Huffington Post

I’d love it if you’d check out my latest Huffington Post piece on “the number” (of one’s sexual partners) and if you think it worthy, please Digg it. Yes, I’m revisiting this perennial issue that I also covered back in the day (sigh) for The Village Voice. I miss being a sex columnist, that’s for sure.

I'm not going to tell you exactly how many people I've slept with, partly because I don't know, partly because I stopped caring long ago, and partly because it's none of your business. But I will tell you it's more than French First Lady Carla Bruni's reported number: 15. Way more. I share that information to make the point that how and why we choose our sexual partners differs for everyone; there's no single perfect number that will make you: a) happy and b) not a slut.

But to read Virginia Ironside's recent tirade against Bruni's perceived promiscuity is to think you've landed back a few centuries. Any hint that we might have come a long way, baby, that there was ever such a thing as feminism, let alone the misguidedly labeled "do-me" feminism, is forgotten as Ironside leaves us with such gems as more than fifteen lovers means you're "starting to demean sex itself" and "it's no longer something special that you do only with the chosen few."

"2008, One Day at a Time" on HuffPo, or Resolution Solution

My last Huffington Post post of 2007, on a more personal note, entitled "2008, One Day at a Time." I forgot to say that last year my friend Brett and I hosted a Resolution Dissolution party. There, I felt like I was the only person actively breaking my resolutions cause I had actually made some, and, well, breaking a resolution to not drink, I think I did pretty well at. All I remember is slurring my words and eating the best-tasting pizza of my life.

I find New Year's Eve a bit overrated generally, the whole planning and going out and great expectations. But I think even more overrated are New Year's resolutions, because what I am realizing more and more is that we can start to make changes in our lives immediately...if we want to. There are things I've talked about for years (like, oh, my apartment) that I know I have some psychological block about working on, but I also know that when I get motivated, I'm very stubborn, very determined. Yet mixed in with that is some inherent inclination for self-destruction, to see what would happen if I try to go, in Sara Schaefer's terminology, to rock bottom. There is a part of me that will probably always find rock bottom seductive, in part because then you can only go up, and in part because if you hit rock bottom, no one has any expectations of you, least of all yourself. Trying and failing, vs. not trying at all, has its allure, but (and this is not a resolution, more an affirmation) I want to try and remember that there is still value in trying, no matter the outcome. That perhaps the trying is what's most important, not the outcome. That's not an easy thing for someone as goal-oriented as I am to remember, but I'm working on it, and for 2008, I'm going to try to accept that doing my best is the best I can do.

This year was a big one for me in many ways, but two of the biggest are that I stopped drinking alcohol (February 13) and, even more challenging, gave up my 4-6 liter-a-day Diet Coke habit (October 4).

I'm not an alcoholic (though I come from a family that's struggled with alcoholism) yet when I found myself doing a podcast interview in February, drunk on martinis, my mind reeling as I tried to stay coherent, I knew something had to change. I decided that that was my last night of drinking, and so far I've kept to that promise. The toughest part hasn't been abstaining from alcohol so much as dealing with people's ideas about a girl who doesn't drink. When I'm out at a bar and a guy offers to buy me a drink, asking for a seltzer seems to signal that I'm no fun. "What do you want in it?" a guy asked me recently.

"Seltzer," I replied, receiving a look of disappointment from him. Drinking has so become the norm that those of us who choose not to, whether for a day or a lifetime, set ourselves apart from the crowd.

Am I A Sex Addict? Are You? My latest HuffPo piece

My latest Huffington Post piece (yes, it's been a while) asks, "Am I A Sex Addict? Are You?" and looks at the crazy sex addiction test that's online and various bits of news about sex addiction. Be sure to check out the already lively comments.

Feminist filmmaker interviews by me

Feministing interview with Sarah Schenck, Feminist Filmmaker, Director, Slippery Slope, a comedy about feminism and porn

Two part interview with Jennifer Fox, Director, Flying: Confessions of a Free Woman

Part 1

Part 2

Part 1 of my interview with Flying director Jennifer Fox

Part 1 of my Huffington Post interview with Jennifer Fox, the director of Flying: Confessions of a Free Woman

Filmmaker Jennifer Fox's six-hour documentary Flying: Confessions of a Free Women, represents the first time the acclaimed director has allowed herself to step in front of the camera, baring (almost) all about her family, friendships, and romantic relationships. She's already detailed here at HuffPo her evolution as a feminist, and the film takes the phrase "the personal is political" and mines it for all it's worth. Fox begins each of the six segments that make up the film with old movies from her childhood, setting the stage for her desire, above all else, to be "free."

Read the whole thing

More on Crossfit at Huffington Post

More from me on Crossfit over at Huffington Post, "Weight Lifting Shapes the Mind and the Body" - also check out the already spirited (and thus far, very kind, thank you!) comments. And one note cause there's a tone in some of the comments of "you don't need a personal trainer."

I didn't say everyone needs a personal trainer. But for me, I am just at heart very lazy and will take the path of least resistance, not just when it comes to exercising, so that is one aspect but also, I am learning things that I couldn't pick up from a book or just observing. Some I can do on my own and some I both need someone to spot me/guide me, and also the encouragement and camaraderie. Not sure if I conveyed that but I'm honored that several people who work out at Crossfit NYC have commented. The atmosphere is VERY supportive, and that is not generally something I associate with most gyms. It truly is a community of people who give advice and help each other and while each wants to do their personal best, it's not about besting anyone else (that I've observed). We're all motivated in different ways to do different things. I tend to go for things that are easy for me; hence, when anyone is like "you've edited all these books!" Well, yes. But I've also coasted in some ways and am now pushing myself. I love editing erotica and plan to do so for a very long time but I also want to stretch myself and try new things that maybe aren't as "easy." Part of my point, too, was that it's the challenge of weight lifting, the way it's not easy, that makes it worthwhile to me. But the part I really like is that what seemed almost impossble mere weeks ago now is no big deal, and I imagine that will only continue to be the case.

"Banning 'Bad' Books Is Not The Answer," latest HuffPo piece

I know you probably read the title of this post and were like "duh," but bear with me. This is my latest piece on The Huffington Post:

When I read about PABBIS (Parents Against Bad Books in Schools), I couldn't help but be intrigued. What's a "bad" book? I'm sure you have an answer to that, as do I, but for this group, "bad" isn't a subjective opinion about whether or not you enjoyed a particular work of literature, but rather a pejorative, objective ruling that seeks to limit the kinds of reading children do.

But PABBIS's list of "bad" books, which I found through a link from Maureen Johnson (who I got to via Galleycat), author of the recently embattled young adult novel, The Bermudez Triangle, cuts a wide swathe, ranging from Dorothy Allison's Bastard Out of Carolina to Amy Tan's The Joy Luck Club, Chinua Achebe's Things Fall Apart, Kurt Vonnegut's Slaughterhouse Five, and Richard Wrights's Black Boy.

Read the whole thing