My Washington Post essay on Anthony Weiner and the allure of sexting

It's been a busy writing week, to say the least. I share all my writings on Twitter and my Facebook page if you want to keep up with the latest. By the end of today, I'll have filed seven pieces this week so it's hard even for me to keep track of them all! When something like the Anthony Weiner sexting scandal happens, a writer like me who's covered the topic in the past is often inundated with people wanting your opinion. Sometimes that's a good thing, because it forces you to keep up with the latest news and write quickly, without second guessing. Sometimes it feels daunting because I actually prefer to pause and (over)think and sometimes even agonize over my writing, but these days, with two part time jobs that equal full time hours, I don't have the time for that.

My first piece on was for Salon about the Weiner story and how he contradicted his past remorse.

Then The Washington Post asked me to explore why sexting draws so much attention for there PostEverything section, so I did. This was my second piece for that section (following last year's essay on hoarding) and rather than explore too much of the details of Weiner himself, I focused on the act of sexting and what makes it special.



If you want to hear even more from me on the topic, tune in to Radio New Zealand for Saturday Morning with Kim Hill, which airs at 6:12 p.m. EST tonight (Friday, September 2, for those on the East Coast of the U.S.).

All my January 2016 essays and articles

One of the things I started doing this month/year is keeping track of my income and expenses, and along with that, what I published and wrote each month. I know; why wasn't I doing this sooner? Well, I've always been among the last to do the things I "should," but I'm 40, and I'm slowly figuring out that it's better late than never.

So I decided on the last day of the month, I'll share links to all my paid writing that was published that month (I also blog once a month unpaid for Lady Smut, a site devoted to romance and sexy stories that I highly recommend if you're interested in the topic). When I had a full-time job, I also freelanced, but I always dreamed about working for myself. In my head, it was all about writing for many, many hours a day. The reality is a lot harder, and requires constant juggling. One day might be devoted to research and pitching; another transcribing; another writing and another editing or teaching and most likely, all of the above in some form. While I love what I do, I also appreciate in retrospect what I had at my previous jobs: things like paid holidays and days off. Now, if I don't write, I don't get paid, and that makes the stakes a lot higher.

I've gotten more and more used to the sometimes frenetic pace, but it also means there's less time to pause and reflect because once I file one story, I'm on to the next one, or at least, planning and plotting and pitching the next one. I do want to be able to count how many articles I wrote this year, but the reality is, some take under two hours to complete, and some, such as my profile of host of the podcast Reckonings, take many hours, between podcast listening, interviewing, transcribing and writing. Ideally, the hours balance each other out, and the more I work, the better I get at juggling the shorter and longer assignments.

Each day can get so busy and I usually end my workday planning for the next day, which makes it easy to forget what I did the day before, let alone the week or several weeks before. I've been a fan of Nicole Dieker's freelance earnings income reports (I also recommend her blog) and while I won't be doing that, I will be sharing what I've published.

This month also involved packing to move, moving, unpacking, some major book promotion for my latest anthology and traveling to Los Angeles and San Francisco for work, but if I've learned anything since become a full-time freelancer a little over four years ago, it's that no month is "typical." In February, I will also have some travel and will be cutting back a little on my freelancing to best focus on my LitReactor erotica writing students, but as I said, freelancing is unpredictable and while I have a few pieces I wrote in January that should run in February, beyond that, I have no idea what my output will be. Beyond setting a specific financial goal for each month, I aim to publish work in one publication I've never written for each month. So far, I've fallen short on my financial goal, but did write for two new publications, Broadly and Ravishly.

If you are interested in writing personal essays about sex or doing sex journalism, my next Sex Writing 101 class on that will be in Chicago on April 1 from 1:30-4:30 p.m. (details at the CatalystCon, although you don't have to attend CatalystCon to attend my workshop), and I also offer private consulting if you have an essay or piece of writing you're looking to polish and submit. Rates are at rachelkramerbussel.com (scroll down); I'll be launching a site focused on my sex writing consulting and classes in February with more information.

I'll probably hold off on blogging about my articles unless it's something particularly noteworthy until the end of February, but I do share most of my writing on Twitter and Facebook. Also, in case you didn't know, I sometimes offer suggestions for article titles, but those are chosen by the publications.

Broadly
"What Happens When a BDSM Author Converts to Christianity"

The Daily Dot
"Kink.com updates model rights following James Deen allegations"
"'Reckonings' is a podcast for guilty consciences"
"Kanye West and Amber Rose's Twitter fight inspires Etsy Valentine’s Day cards"

Mic
"These Dads Giving Honest Sex Advice to Their Kids Are Changing the Sex-Ed Game"

Ravishly
"Trying to Get Pregnant at 40 Is the Hardest Thing I've Ever Done" (at the moment the site is down, but you can also read it at Scary Mommy)

Salon
"How these 5 little words can jump-start an illicit sexual affair"
"Gay sex and gun love: Oregon militia-inspired erotica reimagines grim standoff as fun-filled orgy"
"Don’t feel guilty about buying used books: Writers won’t see a dime of that sale, but it’s the long game that counts"
"“Nudity will never be passé”: Penthouse, counter to reports, has no plans to stop publishing in print"
"Stop watching “Hoarders”: Our lurid reality TV obsession with mental illness has crossed a line"
"It’s “Dear Fat People” for TV: New “Fit to Fat to Fit” show oozes contempt, disguised as empathy"
"Memo to Kanye and Amber Rose: Straight guys can like “fingers in the booty,” too"

The Washington Post (Solo-ish)
"It might take you 121 first dates to find the love of your life"

Why used bookstores aren't killing authors' careers

For the new year, I've wanted to try all sorts of new things: routines, behaviors, ways of thinking. The latter seems like it will be the most challenging to crack. I can't really blame myself for not sticking to routines when I spent the first week of the year packing to move and the second week moving and unpacking. But I'm trying. I now devote Fridays to bookkeeping, inputting everything I spent on my business the week prior. I've done my best to get out and jog/walk a few times a week (now to figure out the key card to my gym!).

One of the ways I want to change my bad thinking habits is to expect more good things, of the world and myself, and part of that means rather than lamenting and berating and obsessing over what I haven't done (but meant to), I celebrate the things I have, while also, of course, keeping myself accountable and on track to catch up with what needs to be done.

I'm on a plane right now to L.A., for my two writing workshops tomorrow. During my bus ride into New York, and again when I got on the plane, I made copious to do lists, basically rehashes of all the other to do lists I made earlier this week of articles I need to write, emails I need to send, various tasks I need to accomplish. I write them down to remind myself, but what often winds up happening is that I look at them and cringe and start to hate myself. So I'm working on better systems; I don't have the answer yet, though if I come up with anything useful, I'll share it.

Which brings me to this week's writing. I have a new piece hopefully going up next week for a site I haven't written for before, but one that did go up today that I was happy I got to write is about why used bookstores aren't taking money away from writers or at all akin to piracy, as was suggested by writer Kristen Lamb. I offered up my thoughts on used bookstores and quoted various writers I know, none of whom was dead set against used bookstores, and some were even very pro-used bookstores. Tiffany Reisz told me, "I’d no more apologize for buying a used book than I would for buying a used car."



Are my trying to form better thought patterns and my new article connected? Yes. My work world moves so fast that sometimes, even though I share most of my pieces on my various social media channels, I forget to take even a few seconds and savor the feeling of a new byline, a new piece that I worked hard on, whether it took an hour or twenty hours. I want to try to take that time more often, as a way of stepping back and also pushing myself forward. My old way clearly wasn't/isn't working, because all it does is leave me feeling overwhelmed and, often, hopeless, thinking my glass isn't just half empty, but dry as a well and never to be watered again, when the rational side of me knows that's not true.

So here's to spending a few days in the state where I used to live, writing new words, and savoring the ones that are harder to come by, but just as, if not more, meaningful than the ones that roll easily off my fingers.

How lube took over the world this week, with a little help from Ronda Rousey

In case you didn't hear, Ronda Rousey is not a fan of lube. She came under fire this week for telling Maxim readers, in an article entitled "UFC Queen Ronda Rousey Reveals the Secret to Great Sex," this:

What should a guy always do? Take his time. In general, a girl takes a minute. He needs to get her ready. You should never need lube in your life. If you need lube, then you’re being lazy...and you’re not taking your time.

For Salon, I broke down why Ronda Rousey is wrong about lube, with the help of numerous sex educators and professionals.



Plenty of others also took Rousey to task. At Bustle, Kristine Fellizar detailed "Why You Need Lube During Sex, Even Though Ronda Rousey Thinks You Don't." Jezebel noted why it's not a good idea idea to take sex advice from Rousey. Wicked Sensual Care offered Rousey a lifetime supply of free products, including lube.

Last but not least, sex educator, researcher and Come As You Are author Emily Nagoski started the Twitter hashtag #tweetyourlube to get people sharing the role lube plays in their lives, and wrote a great blog post on sex positivity and lube. For some lube suggestions, check out Lady Laid Bare's roundup. The end result has been a lot more awareness of how many people use lube, why it's important, and denouncing Rousey's outdated, false statements, which are pretty indefensible (though of course, many have questioned why she was being asked for sex advice in the first place).

This story came full circle when Maxim itself responded to the outcry, quoting my Salon article and #tweetyourlube posts and getting Rousey to comment:

These are obviously legitimate and important reasons why we shouldn't think of using lube as a sign of weakness, and Rousey seemed to agreed. "If you have a physical problem, you should use it," she said when asked by Maxim about the response to her comments. "But in my experience, I’ve never needed it. "

This brings up an issue that's basically the difference between using the first person and giving advice. It's fine for Rousey to say she's never needed lube and/or doesn't personally like it. But that's completely different from saying that nobody should ever need or use it, and if you do, you're lazy. That's incorrect, and the world knows it.

3 bylines, including my first in Marie Claire

I'm heading to Maine today, to visit an old friend, and will be there for most of next week to teach erotica writing Wednesday in Portland at Nomia. Therefore, I'm going to quickly link to and mention my latest writings. First and most exciting: I have two short pieces in the new November issue of Marie Claire, with Lea Michele on the cover. It's part of a porn package with articles by Amanda de Cadenet and Cindy Gallop (founder of Make Love Not Porn), and there's a piece I tore out by Carrie Brownstein about fun things to do in Portland. See pages 236 and 237 for my interview with feminist porn director Erika Lust and my porn picks. After you read my interview, if you're in Chicago, you can hear Erika Lust speak at the Chicago International Film Festival. I don't know if my pieces will run on their website, but if they do, I'll share them.





In the online world, this week I wrote about Playboy's decision to stop publishing nude photos for Salon, with musings by a Playboy contributor, the former executive editor of Penthouse and others.

Lastly, I got personal at Lady Smut, musing about my "vanilla" sex life and my very much not vanilla, kinky book of BDSM erotica, Dirty Dates: Erotic Fantasies for Couples, which pubs on my 40th birthday, November 10th. Yes, I love dropping that tidbit because over 50 books in, I've never had one come out on my birthday!

How the Steubenville rape case inspired new young adult novel What We Saw

Aaron Hartzler's new young adult novel What We Saw, published by HarperTeen, was directly inspired by the Steubenville rape case, and features a similar story line about teens, adults and media in a sports-minded small town questioning whether a sexual assault occurred at a party where teens were drinking and documenting their partying on social media. Check out my interview with Hartzler at Salon, and read the book - it's excellent!

Interview with Shadi Petosky, who was detained by the TSA because she's transgender

Yesterday I interviewed Shadi Petosky, a transgender television writer and producer who was detained by the TSA in Orlando on Monday because of her trans status. The quote Salon chose as part of the headline, that will give you a little clue if you haven't heard about this story what it was like for her: "The police at the TSA gate were awful. One was laughing at me"

Nicole Arbour's hate-filled "Dear Fat People" video

Sunday night, I was watching TV with my boyfriend and scrolling through Facebook when I read about a video called "Dear Fat People." At the time, it had been taken down from YouTube, but someone else had put it up. I watched it, and was horrified. I don't say that only because I'm in love with a fat man, though of course, that certainly colors my view. But there was something so sickening to me about how she talked about fat people, literally as if they should not exist, or only exist if they were spending their entire lives working to no longer be fat.

So at 11 p.m., I sent some emails and made some calls and did interviews. At midnight, I wondered, What am I doing? Nobody had assigned this to me; I wanted to cover it, both because I knew it was going to be a buzzed-about story, and because I wanted to add another voice speaking up against the hatefulness of this video.

So I did, and Salon liked it, and published it. Right now, as I type from an airplane on my way to L.A., it's their third most viewed piece.



It's also one I've gotten rare hate mail for, which I've posted on my Facebook page. Those emails, to me, say so much. People are willing to speak out defending someone basically saying fat people are the scourge of the world, because she backs up their own prejudice. I want no part of that, ever. Lindy West also has an excellent response at The Guardian. I certainly couldn't muster that much empathy for Arbour.

I was far less interested, personally, in the "free speech" canard as I was in how telling fat people to fuck themselves could become a rallying cry. We need to do better, and we are, I hope.

As I gear up to teach a new set of writing students on Friday in Burbank (there's still room to join us!), I'm looking forward to hearing what they think about their own lives, about their fantasies, about things they want to say and share but perhaps don't know how or where to go about doing so.

Interview with blogging and podcasting mom of 7-year-old transgender girl

Over at Salon, I interviewed Marlo Mack about her blog, Gendermom, and How to Be a Girl podcast on raising her 7-year-old transgender daughter. She had such wonderful things to say about listening to her daughter, believing in her and navigating the various other people and institutions they have to deal with in ways that value their daughter's health and safety. Very proud of this one! And not just because Laverne Cox liked it, though that was cool.

I can't stop listening to this song about period sex

I've interviewed a lot of people over the years, but have to say that my interview with Rachel Lark about her period sex song "Warm, Bloody, and Tender" is one of my favorites of all time. She actually made me want to start a podcast because she has so much expression in her voice and even the usually arduous task of transcribing was fun. Be warned: her song will stick in your head! Yes, it's a catchy, funny song about doing it while bleeding. As soon as I heard it, I knew I had to interview her. And lucky for you West Coasters, she's planning a fall tour. Watch the video, co-starring Dan Savage, and find out all about it over at Salon. And if you like it, I'd love if you'd share it with your friends/readers too.


photo by Natalie Carrabello

A graphic novel, a romance and a young adult novel where a character gets an abortion

I did a short roundup at Salon of three books in very different genres that each walk the reader through the experience of a character getting an abortion: the graphic novel Not Funny Ha-Ha by Leah Hayes, erotic romance The Girlfriend by Abigail Barnette (pen name of Jenny Trout) and YA novel '89 Walls by Katie Pierson. The former is meant to be a guidebook on what the procedure is like; the other two are novels where there's a lot more going on, but abortion is treated seriously but not overdramatized.

What happened the last time I got hate mail

To find out, check out my first article for Contently, "5 Ways to Use Hate Mail to Your Advantage." I learned a lot from the writers who shared their hate mail stories with me (not all of them made it into the final piece) and it helped me get some perspective on my unexpected hater. I was especially pleased because I've been reading Contently's great, well, content about freelance writing and hosting a writing portfolio on their site with many of my clips, which makes it handy to pass on to editors I'm pitching. I recommend it, and they were great to work with on this piece.

This also puts me on track to meet my goal of writing for one new publication per month (on average) in 2015. I have a lot more I'd love to blog about but I'm getting ready for my first trip to Thailand, where I plan to spend as little time as possible using my phone (save to take photos) or computer, and also writing two pieces a day for Salon, which may not sound like that much writing but takes up a good amount of my time. I will hopefully have a little time to post before I leave about my upcoming events and assorted other thoughts. Right now, I am trying to stay on top of the news and my writing assignments and spend time with my boyfriend before I head off yet again.

Why the Girl Scouts were right to allow transgender girls and the hate behind the petition to stop them

I wrote 10 pieces for Salon this past week; this on the Girl Scouts and transgender girls is one of them. I think my personal favorite is on the fat-shaming inherent in dadbod (which Blogger keeps wanting to autocorrect to "deadwood").

Rebel Wilson, Maggie Gyllenhaal, Hollywood and age discrimination at Salon

I've written a lot for Salon this week, and have been linking the articles mainly on Twitter. It's been a crazy week, which I'll share more about as soon as I have time, but I wanted to share this piece on why women lie about their age, Rebel Wilson, Maggie Gyllenaal and Hollywood age discrimination.

Why I'm not down with dad bod

At Salon, I wrote about why "dad bod" is a not so subtle way of fat-shaming.

Humor erotica overview at Salon: iWatch, the white and gold dress and parody smut

My latest at Salon, on all kinds of humor erotica, including Apple iWatch erotica by Leonard Delaney, Pounded In The Butt By My Own Butt by Chuck Tingle, Fifty Shades of Grey parodies by Andrew Shaffer and others, Rob Gronkowski fan fiction by Lacey Noonan and much more.

5 new articles on sex and shame, fisting, adult preschool, Mariel Hemingway and Woody Allen and Becoming Steve Jobs

I've been writing a lot, with more on the way. Usually I post them separately, but this week is crunch time so here are 5 very different pieces I published this week:

"Why Do We Feel So Ashamed About Sex?" at DAME, touching on Monica Lewinsky's TED Talk and the recent documentary Inside Her Sex



Fisting for beginners in Philadelphia City Paper

Why I totally understand the appeal of adult preschool at Thought Catalog

And two topics outside my usual wheelhouse, for Salon (one more is coming for them that's about a topic I've been following for a while):

On Mariel Hemingway and Woody Allen and age and consent

Why Apple executives are wrong to insist Becoming Steve Jobs is a definitive biography

"How to Come Out Like a Porn Star" Q&A with genderqueer porn star Jiz Lee at Salon

My latest at Salon is a Q&A with genderqueer porn star Jiz Lee about their forthcoming anthology How to Come Out Like a Porn Star. As I say in my introduction, although the book is specifically about coming out about involvement with porn, I think the book has larger relevance for those who deal with sex in their work or have any sort of sexual secret (or really, any secret) they want to come out about. Thanks for reading.

More about domestic violence survivor Brooke Axtell and her Grammys speech with Katy Perry

Last night's speech by Brooke Axtell during The Grammys ahead of Katy Perry's performance brought tears to my eyes and I'm sure brought hope to those who are dealing with domestic violence in their own lives. If you haven't read it, here's my Q&A with Brooke at Salon, and you can watch her here (this isn't the best quality recording but it's what I could find on YouTube):




Image via @THR (The Hollywood Reporter)

And again, I want to reiterate that if you believe in your work, whatever kind of work it is, it's your job to get it seen by the world. I can't tell you how to do that, but I can tell you that you are in a unique position to get it seen. For instance, last night, Salon posted my interview with Brooke Axtell, but didn't Tweet it. I did, with this image:



People that I would never have thought would retweet me, did. Today, I'm seeing that interview linked in lots of stories about the Grammys. Making your work easy to find means that it's widely accessible. That's important to me no matter the topic I'm writing about and ultimately I think it's part of my brand; I'm someone who not only can write a timely piece, but will be timely about promoting it. As I wrote last week, you're your own best advocate, and for me, since I consider myself in this for the long haul, in addition to being flexible, I know I want to make sure my work gets noticed, so that I can keep on getting more work.

And now, back to this week's deadlines. It's another busy one, especially with my LitReactor class starting Thursday.

My Grammys Q&A with Brooke Axtell, who'll join Katy Perry to talk about domestic violence

Whether or not you're watching or care about The Grammys, hopefully you care about preventing domestic violence, so please check out my Q&A at Salon with activist Brooke Axtell, who's about to join Katy Perry onstage to discuss her experience as a domestic violence survivor. If you like it, I'd love it if you'd share it; I've been using my brief stint at Salon to highlight issues around sexuality and activism.