How to make money writing about your sex life and 5 times I did

I've been writing about my sex life for over a decade, and probably will for the rest of my life. For me, it's part of how I learn about myself and my relationships and how my sexuality is impacted by the world around me. It's also part of how I make my living. It makes sense that the only place (so far) I've taught my nonfiction Sex Writing 101 workshop is at CatalystCon, because the audience for this wonderful conference is people who work in sexuality or blog about it or are somehow involved in it. Many are sex nerds, and I would bet everyone attending has something to say about sex that differs from the mainstream culture and could be of interest to an editor. Just take a look at the speaker list.

This will be my second time teaching Sex Writing 101, and we cover a lot of ground in 3 hours and I'll be asking people to think about potential pieces with an eye to submitting. No, not everyone wants to write about their sex life, but you can get published, and can use a pseudonym, and so often it's about how you frame what you're writing about. It's not about having an "out there" sex life (though if you do, that can be fodder), but about thinking about what you want to write and how you can craft the best piece possible to catch an editor's eye.

Below are the details of my September 12th erotica and sex writing workshops, and if I can answer any questions about the workshops, email me at rachelkramerbussel at gmail.com with "Catalyst" in the subject line.

But first, here are 5 times (of many, probably hundreds) I got paid to write about my sex life. Take my workshop and I'll teach you how you can too! I'll do a separate post about sex journalism, which I will also teach in the workshop. Can't make Catalyst but want to place a sex essay? My consulting rates are at rachelkramerbussel.com

"Is My Vibrator Ruining My Relationship?," Salon

"Baby Talk," Salon (on age play and fetishes)

"Sexting Advice for Tiger" (Woods), The Daily Beast

"Girl Talk: I Want My Boyfriend to Fantasize About Other Women," The Frisky

"I Don't Want or Need an App to Measure My Sex Life," Boinkology, Medium

September 12, 9:15 am-12:15 pm
Erotica 101 writing workshop, Los Angeles before CatalystCon
In this three hour workshop Rachel Kramer Bussel, professional erotica author and editor of over 50 erotica anthologies, such as The Big Book of Orgasms, Cheeky Spanking Stories and Serving Him: Sexy Stories of Submission, will take you through the ins and outs of modern erotic writing. Learn how to get started, find your voice, and write against type. You’ll discover how to incorporate everyday scenarios as well as outlandish fantasies into your writing, and make them fit for particular magazines and anthologies. The class will also cover branding yourself as a writer, using and selecting a good pseudonym, and using social media to promote your work and do outreach. She’ll also talk about submitting your work and keeping up with the thriving erotica market, including anthologies, ebooks, magazines and websites. Please bring paper and writing implements or a laptop to use for in class writing exercises. A bibliography with erotica resources will be provided. $45 (or $79 with pre-CataystCon Sex Writing 101, see below).
The Westin Los Angeles Airport, 5400 West Century Blvd., Los Angeles, CA 90045

September 12, 1:30-4:30 pm
Sex Writing 101 workshop, Los Angeles before CatalystCon
In this three hour workshop, writer and editor Rachel Kramer Bussel will cover all you need to know about writing about sex, including blogging, first-person essays and journalism. You’ll learn how to ethically write about your love life, what editors are looking for, where to find experts on sexuality topics, and how to stay abreast of current sex news. Whether you’re looking to write a sex blog, column, articles or books, you’ll find out how to pitch, how much money you can expect to make, and how to maximize your editorial opportunities. The class will also cover branding yourself as a writer, using and selecting a good pseudonym, using social media to promote your work and do outreach, and how to pitch stories. Rachel has been a sex columnist for The Village Voice, Penthouse and The Frisky, and has written about sexuality for Cosmopolitan, The Daily Beast, Glamour, Inked, Salon, xoJane and many other publications. A resource list covering markets for sex-related pieces will be provided. $45 (or $79 with pre-CatalystCon Erotica 101, see above)

**Attendees who would like the opportunity to get feedback from Rachel on one piece of their own writing (3,000 words or less), to be submitted prior to the workshop can purchase this as an add on to either of the above workshops. Fee: $20
The Westin Los Angeles Airport, 5400 West Century Blvd., Los Angeles, CA 90045

My review of Elliott Smith documentary Heaven Adores You at The Daily Beast

The Daily Beast had me review the new Elliott Smith documentary Heaven Adores You. I'm working on expanding the topics I write about so I don't get pigeonholed as only a sex writer, because that's important to me personally and vital if I'm going to continue to have a career as a freelance writer, plus I have plenty of other interests so am always thankful for editors who let me write about those too. Was grateful I was able to see this at its world premiere in San Francisco and hope it screens in more cities soon.

10 favorite things I wrote in 2013

Or rather, my 10 favorite pieces I wrote that got published in 2013. I'm starting off the new year with a new print publication credit, and I hope many more! In no particular order:

"Why Every Day Is No-Pants Day For Me" at Refinery29

"Welcome to 'Fun Home,' The Queerest Musical Ever Made About Growing Up In A Funeral Home" at BuzzFeed LGBT

"Kinky, Sober and Free: BDSM in Recovery" at The Fix

Interview with Carry On, Warrior author and Momastery blogger Glennon Doyle Melton at The Fix

"Hoarding Isn't Fashionable or Glamorous" at The Toast

"James Gandolfini Was My Celebrity Crush" at Medium

"Dear Mrs. Hall: Boys and Men Can See Sexy Selfies and Still Respect Women" at Boinkology 101 at Medium (should have added "And Girls" to the title though)

"Organic, Fair Trade Porn: On The Hunt for Ethical Smut" at The Daily Beast

"Erotic Lit Your Grandmother Will Like" at The Daily Beast

"What I Learned From My Stalker" at TueNight

Perv author Jesse Bering on bestiality, pedophiles, and Miley Cyrus

I interviewed Jesse Bering, author of the new book Perv: The Sexual Deviant in All of Us, for The Daily Beast, about bestiality, pedophiles, Miley Cyrus's infamous Vanity Fair photo and strange perversions.

My senior erotica article at The Daily Beast

I wrote about senior erotica at The Daily Beast in "Erotic Lit Your Grandmother Will Like", featuring Joan Price, Desiree Holt, Michelle Churchill, Cheyenne Blue, Tsaurah Litzky, Suzy Spencer and others - if you like it, I'd love it if you'd click like at the top/spread the word there. My suggested title was "Our Senior Erotica Moment," but I like this title better, and am sure my grandmother would have too. Thank you!

My Feminist Porn Awards and Feminist Porn Conference report

My report on the Feminist Porn Awards and Feminist Porn Conference is up at The Daily Beast! I'm so glad I attended. I learned so much and am very proud of this piece, and grateful to all my sources, including those I didn't get to include. And my apologies; I misquoted Tristan Taormino who calls her porn "fair trade," not "free trade." If any editors are reading this, I'd love to go back next year and write about it again. Hope you like the piece, and thank you to Good for Her and Tristan Taormino for putting on thought-provoking, wonderful events.

Fifty Shades of Grey college class

I wrote about the Fifty Shades of Grey college class at American University for The Daily Beast. Working on this story made me (briefly) want to attend college again! And I actually have two other Fifty Shades-related stories I'm working on, among various short stories and pop culture tidbits. Another more personal story coming soon, related to a beloved sex toy.

In her blog post, Woods outlined several key areas the curriculum will cover, with students answering questions such as “Evaluate the relationship in the book in light of our readings on domestic violence. Are the leads in the trilogy in a healthy or abusive relationship? Why or why not?” and “What was the role of social media in perpetuating the trilogy's success? If you were in charge of marketing the upcoming movies, how would you utilize social media?” Students will be forced to read, write, and analyze critically.

Contrary to a USA Today claim that they’ll be rewriting the first 150 pages, students will instead be asked to rewrite one of the introductory chapters, before Anastasia Steele and Christian Grey consummate their relationship, with an aim to improving it. "That's a useful skill in almost any job. Someone who has just graduated will be tasked with editing and proofreading and reviewing over and over again for their superiors in the office," claimed Woods, who said most of the class's students are enrolled in the school or communications or are studying sexuality.

Read the whole thing

Former porn star Jennie Ketcham talks sex addiction, masturbation and healthy relationships

I interviewed Jennie Ketcham, author of the new memoir I Am Jennie and formerly known as porn star Penny Flame, about sex addiction, masturbation, reality TV, healthy relationships, female friendships and more at The Daily Beast. Here's one of the questions she answers: "Your recovery process for sex addiction included not masturbating, and making a masturbation trigger list. Why was that one of your rules?"

"Penis Gagging, BDSM, and Rape Fantasy: The Truth About Kinky Sexting"

Check out my latest SexIs Magazine column, "Penis Gagging, BDSM, and Rape Fantasy: The Truth About Kinky Sexting" - I didn't hold back!



“You don’t want to gag a woman with your penis unless you have some serious issues with the way you see women.” So says Kirsten Powers, ex-girlfriend of sex-scandal star Congressman Anthony Weiner, in a piece for The Daily Beast. She is referencing his sexting relationship with a Las Vegas blackjack dealer. The transcript of their texts was posted by Radar Online, including one bit that prompted Powers’ musing: “You will gag on me before you c** with me in you” and “[I’m] thinking about gagging your hot mouth with my c***.”

This column is not about Weiner. I’m pretty over political sex scandals and am inclined to think that someone like Weiner wanted to get caught, consciously or unconsciously. The only positive thing I can say about such scandals is that they do help shed light on just how unenlightened we are about topics like monogamy and BDSM. Here we have an example of a woman making a blanket statement about something she clearly doesn’t know the first thing about, simply because it offends her.

You know the phrase, “Taken out of context, I must seem so strange?” That goes double for pulling random bits of erotic conversation, texted or otherwise, and analyzing them as if they told a whole story. Without the motivation of the person sending and receiving them, you really don’t know anything, and yet it seems that a default anti-BDSM reaction is acceptable. Our public squeamishness over the fact that some people can eroticize pain, degradation, and being ordered around, safely, consensually and pleasurably, is nothing more than a prejudice that needs to be eradicated.

Read the whole column, and if you like it, please spread the word - social media buttons at the top, or whatever your preferred method. Thank you!

Let's condemn BDSM and dominance and porn along with Weiner because it's so fucking easy to judge people, shall we?

I haven't been paying as close attention to the Anthony Weiner scandal as I could because that would involve reading way more than I have time for. So this is not really about Weiner but more about BDSM and giant blanket statements about sexuality, specifically dominant male sexuality. Which it's not my place to defend per se, so maybe some smart dominant guy out there will write the proper rebuttal to this giant generalization by Weiner's ex, Kirsten Powers, at The Daily Beast. I'm no longer shocked when a very specific piece about sexuality veers into the giant blanket condemnation but I do want to publicly state that the more we allow anyone to get away with statements like this, the more we demonize sexuality as a whole. Just because you don't understand something or don't like it or don't want to do it or don't agree with it doesn't make it wrong for everyone. And again, I'm not defending Weiner, I don't actually think political sex scandals are or should be that shocking anymore, but they do help illuminate broader thoughts on sexuality. Bolding mine:

This is not about sex. It’s about dominating and inflicting physical pain on a woman, a fantasy the hard-corn porn industry makes billions of dollars on selling to men. You don’t want to gag a woman with your penis unless you have some serious issues with the way you see women.

Again, I haven't even looked at those transcripts but I don't need to to oppose a blanket statement like this. It's also the simplistic type of thinking about sex that is ubiquitous, even in 2011, even in an age of supposed sexual freedom and tolerance. That exists for the "right" kinds of sex, and apparently, kinky sex doesn't count according to the powers (ha ha ha) that be.

My only other thought thus far I left as a comment at Daily Intel regarding his wife, Huma Abedin:

Maybe political wives, on some level, are ready (or should be ready) for anything, scandal included, and have already thought about what might happen in light of all the other scandals that have popped up in recent years. It seems likely that she would've at least considered "What would I do?" and maybe this is what she decided a long time ago (I have no idea, just speculating).

Win a copy of Cake Wrecks

Over at Cupcakes Take the Cake we're taking contest entries to win one of two copies of Cake Wrecks through January 31st...it's a fun, hilarious book.

If you missed it, I interviewed Cake Wrecks author Jen Yates for The Daily Beast last year:

Cake Wrecks. These two little words turned into an Internet phenomenon for 31-year-old Orlando, Florida, resident Jen Yates, who’s built a following posting pregnancy cakes, poo cakes, and all-around ugly, crazy or simply bizarre cakes on CakeWrecks.com. With categories such as Creepy Cakes, Mithspellings and Oh Poop, the blog serves up cakes for holidays and major life moments you didn’t even know anyone would want to celebrate with cake—like divorce.

My sexting advice for Tiger Woods

I wrote a piece about dos and don'ts of sexting for Tiger Woods (and you!) at The Daily Beast.

Here's a snippet:

Don’t:

1. Ask who else she’s seeing

“Do you have a boyfriend” and “who is your new boy toy,” Woods asked Grubbs. Not only is it not his business, it sours the mood he’s trying to create. Keep your texts about the relationship at hand, not possible outside entanglements.

Dos

1. Start slow

This doubles as good advice when it comes to putting the first move on someone. Don’t leap straight into explicit language until you know that’s what the other person’s into. Woods and Grubbs were already seeing each other once their risqué texts started flying. David Borgenicht, co-author of The Worst-Case Scenario Survival Handbook, Dating and Sex, agrees. “Know your audience” is his first rule (this, I’d say, also applies to dirty talk). “Don't be overly blunt or crude if your sexting target is shy. When it comes to intimacy use double entendres and suggestive language rather than blunt statements of desire or graphic descriptions of actions you'd like to take.”

Read the rest at The Daily Beast (and be sure to check out the lively comments section).

There was a piece in The New York Times last week, "Text Messages: Digital Lipstick on The Collar," by Laura M. Holson and I really liked this part:

Sherry Turkle, a professor and researcher at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, has studied interaction with technology for more than two decades. Unlike with computers, Professor Turkle said, consumers have a deeply personal connection to their cellphones, where they keep contact lists and family photos. “They carry them in their pockets,” she said, “next to their skin.”

One woman Professor Turkle spoke to for a study was so grief-stricken after she had misplaced her cellphone that she described the loss as a death. “People feel it is an extension of their body and mind,” the professor said, but, she added: “Like Peter Pan, we do not see our electronic shadow until it is pointed out to us. We assume it is not there.”

I really liked this image, and it made me think about how and why texts are more personal then emails, and how it's easier to overlook emails. Sure, maybe you're getting hundreds of texts a day, but probably not, and certainly on an iPhone, they show up differently than email does. Plus your phone is the only device that's going to receive that text message, whereas an email can be retrieved from multiple sources.

My Julie Powell Cleaving interview at The Daily Beast

Monday morning I flew home on a redeye. Monday night I went to The Meat Hook in Williamsburg to interview Julie Powell about her new memoir Cleaving: A Story of Marriage, Meat, and Obsession. I'm a little sad that the video we shot didn't come out, but hopefully in the future my flipcam will be in effect. Mostly I'm grateful I was able to do my job; 2 hours before I was sobbing hysterically with snot running out of my nose. Story for another time. Also good lesson: always find out exactly what will be happening in advance, take an author photo (especially when she's standing next to hunks of dead meat), and believe that everything will be okay. Sorry if it's obnoxious to link that way, but maybe that's a clue - I really want you to click through and read it since it's pretty much the only thing of substance I've done this stuffy-headed emotionally insane week!

Early reviews have shown as much squeamishness about the details of her affair as the gorier aspects of tearing apart hunks of meat. “My exploration of my sexual life felt like something I needed to write about,” she says. “It makes people uncomfortable. They get embarrassed for me, which I think is adorable, but if I get unhappy, that’s my problem; you don’t need to worry about me. I don’t like to be a big conspiracy theorist or feminist crazy person, but men have been writing about this for a long time. Maybe I don’t know what the f--- I’m getting into, but I wrote the book, I’m OK with it. You can criticize me all you like, but what you can’t do is say, ‘You’re a skanky, adulterous self-involved twit,’ because I wrote that already! It’s done; yes, that’s true.”

I'm not beautiful enough for BeautifulPeople.com

Unfortunately I didn't have this information by the time I had to file my story - I posted my photo on BeautifulPeople.com for my story "8 New Internet Sex Fads" for The Daily Beast. I used the photo by Anya Garrett that I use as my author photo on the site. I think this is hilarious!



Here's the reply I got yesterday:

Dear Rachel,

Unfortunately, your application to BeautifulPeople Network was not successful. The members of BeautifulPeople did not find your profile attractive enough.

Please note, only one in five applicants are currently accepted into BeautifulPeople.com.

BeautifulPeople welcomes you to apply again, perhaps with a better photo or a more interesting profile text.

To modify the contents of your profile and resubmit it for rating, simply follow these quick steps:

1)
Open "Edit Profile Page": http://beautifulpeople.com/home/editprofile/
Change your profile picture and modify your profile text to make it more appealing to the voting members.

2)
Go to the "Home Screen". (You can follow this link: http://beautifulpeople.com/home)
On the Home Screen, hit the “Vote me again” button to resubmit your modified application to the rating section.

"8 New Internet Sex Fads" at The Daily Beast

My latest piece for The Daily Beast is "8 New Internet Sex Fads."

The Passion iPhone app screen grabs didn't make it in, so I'm posting it below:







And then to rub it in:





And if you like the piece, please consider Digging it. Thanks!

My Dita Von Teese interview at The Daily Beast

My interview with burlesque performer and fashion maven Dita Von Teese is up now at The Daily Beast!

Yay!

Thanks for helping put my Cake Wrecks article and photo gallery into the third most-read piece at The Daily Beast. Maybe it's tacky to post this, but I don't care. Call me tacky, just click on the link and pass it on.

My Daily Beast piece about Cake Wrecks

Went up today! I wrote a profile of Cake Wrecks founder/blogger Jen Yates and got art for a pretty wacky photo gallery, if I do say so myself. Divorce cake? Baby mama cake, anyone? Please check it out and pass it on to someone who could use a smile. And if you're so inclined as to comment, that would rock too. I am shameless enough to confess on this little non-blog here that I would like it to crack the top 5 most popular stories, in part because I'm just competitive like that, and in part because I want The Daily Beast editors to keep assigning me stuff. And because Cake Wrecks rocks (see my piece for some details about the upcoming book tour).

Here's the handy Daily Beast link again.

Listen to me on the radio

New Hampshire Public Radio show Word of Mouth had me on the show today to talk about bisexuality, bromance, and more, related to my piece last week at The Daily Beast. Listen at the link above.

Bisexuality strikes a nerve

My male bisexuality piece on The Daily Beast has been getting a lot of buzz, everywhere from Queerty to The Frisky to Gawker. Thanks to everyone who commented, Tweeted, blogged, linked it. I'll probably have more to say in the next day or two. I think the hardest part of writing it wasn't fact-checking what year that Sex and the City episode aired, but compressing everything into the allotted word count. I really hope I can get a nonfiction book deal by year's end to talk not just about "bisexuality," but about the many, many ways our system of sexual labeling and categorization just doesn't work. But that's another story.

This is after an uproar in which Village Voice blogger/gossip columnist asked, Ever Meet a Real Bisexual? then got taken to task, then apologized, concluding:

I'm well aware that bisexuals exist, and said so in my post. I was merely relaying that in my own personal experience, "most" of the people who've told me they were bi later turned out to be using that as a cover and were actually antsy gay men (and in one case there was a straight woman trying to be cool, then dropping it once lesbian chic temporarily peaked).

So of course I wasn't saying that everyone is excited about male bisexuality (or female, for that matter), but I do think there's been a major change and much more room for fluidity in the last few years.

Speaking of bisexuality, I read this fabulous post on Violet Blue's blog, with images. She writes:

...this was an exercise where a fairly big group yelled out assumptions and cultural perceptions and stereotypes about different sexual orientations. In a way, it was oddly like brand/label brainstorming. And then we discussed the results across the gender and orientation gaps, which were really interesting.

See her post for more and all the images, but I'll include below the two about bisexuality:


stereotypes + assumptions: bi female via Violet Blue on Flickr


stereotypes + assumptions: bi male via Violet Blue on Flickr