"Is Casual Sex Good for You?"

That's the question I ask and somewhat answer in my latest SexIs Magazine column. And yes, I've gotten lots of feedback on the photo Dave Naz took of me below. I am not that photo's biggest fan, not because of Dave's photography, because of my own self-consciousness. Hoping to take a sexy photo from the front soon so I can switch it out.

My 36th birthday column, almost outdated already

Big changes in my personal life, all for the better. Let's just say, I will hopefully actually turn into a book author and a dream realizer by the time I get to 37, in a year and a week. Clearly, realizing dreams and being true to myself is antithetical to dating. Finally learned that lesson, go me! Not to worry, I'll still be writing my column, just will try as best I can not to write about my very thankfully non-existent personal life, and I think everyone will be better off. Birthdays are big times for change, and I'm grateful to be at a place when I'm genuinely open to change, unlike I was this year, where I just spouted utter bullshit to myself and believed it and kept running back to the safety of poor decision making because it was easier than facing the mess that is my life. Now that I have all this time to myself to figure out "what I want to do with my life" it's made me realize how awful I treat myself, and I want to do better. I'd rather be self-actualized than vulnerable any fucking day, but I am still getting "heart" tattooed on my arm in just 16 days! Not burying my heart, just helping it not be idiotic. I'll save the balancing act for the BOSU ball, where it belongs.

Hope you'll check this out - I quote Mindy Kaling! Check out her book, especially the chapters on boys and men, Jewish guys, Matt and Ben, and, of course, cupcakes.



I’m having trouble creating a sexual mission statement, as Friedman advises, because so much of my lust winds up being tied in to what someone else thinks of me, what they want. I don’t consider that entirely negative, but part of my next steps are figuring out ways to combine those two things — what I want and what whoever I wind up dating wants — in a way that’s mutually pleasurable. I know when I err on the side of only pleasing someone else, I do both of us a disservice, because there’s few things less sexy than someone who’s completely needy and subservient (not in the kinky sense, in the everyday sense). I get off on being useful, both sexually and otherwise, but only in the right context, when that aspect of my personality is appreciated for what it is, rather than assumed as a given or overlooked or taken for granted. It’s a sort of maddening part of my makeup because wanting to be wanted and needed isn’t exactly the easiest sentiment to convey. It puts me right back in that sweet spot of vulnerability that always makes me feel like I’m teetering on an emotional precipice. I believe that, like my trainer’s advice when using a BOSU ball, part of becoming a mature adult is learning how to handle that balancing act and not panicking when I tip too far over to one side.

Read the whole thing

Listening to a lot of Adele, love her stuff:

10 Reasons the Hitachi Magic Wand is My Favorite Vibrator

Check out my new column, 10 Reasons the Hitachi Magic Wand is My Favorite Vibrator. And single girl/self-employed BFF.

1. It's powerful. Plain and simple, it provides the sensation I like against my clit and along my vulva. I know some women temper the intensity with a towel, but I like it direct and strong.

Read the whole thing

New column: "I Hate Dating, I Like Relationships"

In some ways, the title is self-explanatory, but in others, it's a contradiction. Read the column to find out what I'm talking about!



“Dating” sounds like a dirty word to me, and not in a good way. I love traditionally dirty words in the right context, but dating? Not so much.

Lest that make me sound totally bitchy and antisocial, let me clarify: there is something about both the concept of dating, as well as the reality of awkward conversations, especially during first dates, that often zaps the fun out of it for me. All the things I like about meeting a new person or having a crush, about geeking out over what I’m going to wear and how it’s going to go, seem to get lost in the concept of “dating.” It sounds more like a dreary, awful job than something I should want to do.

Read the whole thing

Sex column: "Rate Me — Not: Why I Don’t Want to Know How Many Stars Your Ex Gave You"

My latest SexIs column is called "Rate Me — Not: Why I Don’t Want to Know How Many Stars Your Ex Gave You" on why I don't need a website to rate my exes or see how future dates are rated. I get that we are into commoditizing people and summing them up pithily but I don't think you can ever know everything about a person from a screen (or really ever know anything about a person at all).



Here’s what was on the Ex-Rated site as a “review of the moment” the first time I visited: “Andi was an incredibly difficult, but sexy woman who, frankly, smelled better than any human I’ve ever met since.” Now, based on just that sentence, I have no idea whether this is someone I’d want to date. Even if I got a full dossier on her (or him), it still would just be words on a screen and, more importantly, a very subjective opinion. Maybe Andi is laid-back and casual around other people and her “difficult”ness was a function of something specific to their relationship.

Relationship post-mortems work well amongst friends because they know the backstory and have likely met the person and seen you together. They know the history and can judge when you’re being dramatic, have just cause to be upset, or are justified in trashing (or praising) someone. But in the absence of any other context, it’s dangerous to judge people based on “reviews.” People are not products, and while I spend a lot of my time observing other people’s language, expressions and actions and drawing my own conclusions, I fully admit that those are just my own conclusions.

Read the whole thing (and if you like it, please like it on Facebook if you're so inclined)

"Sex Tape Mania" sex column, or "Should I Make a Porno?"

I feel weird referring to myself in the third person, but my latest SexIs column is called "Sex Tape Mania: Should Rachel Make a Porno?

The closest I’ve come to making a sex tape so far has been letting an ex take a photo of me while I was in the middle of giving him a blowjob. We didn’t plan it, and I didn’t pose. I had my eyes closed and all of a sudden the flash went off. It was hot to me precisely because it was unexpected. I liked the idea of him looking at it later, remembering what it felt like, and jerking off.

Lately, sex tapes are in the news again, with Vivid Entertainment having been approached with a request to buy all rights to reality TV star and new bride Kim Kardashian’s foray into x-rated video with her ex, Ray J (in order to block it from being viewed further), and a hotel offering guests free service if they agree to film their escapades and broadcast them online (FYI, I’m aware that the Kardashian family gets a disproportionate number of mentions in my columns; make of that what you will).

Read the whole thing!

Sex column: "What Kind of Submissive Are You?"

My latest column - hope you like it. I have an addendum that I forgot (though probably wouldn’t have had room for). Another kind of submissive I’m not is one who likes to extend D/s stuff into real life, to the extent that they get blurred. To me that detracts from actually enjoying D/s. It can be a challenge not to let that happen, from either side, and I know from experience how harmful that can be for me. But, like with all things, I cannot change the past, can only try to live better/smarter now. For next time I am hoping to write about sex culture as opposed to my life. New me new me new me!

From the column:

I rarely take Internet quizzes to tell me what kind of personality I am, whether it’s which Sex and the City character or which dessert I most resemble, but I recently found one extremely intriguing: the submissive scale that my fellow SexIs writer Rachel Rabbit White posted on her website, which I highly recommend checking out whether you’re into kink or not (or aren’t sure).

The questions it asks are ones that could not only be fodder for fiction, but for introspection. I loved that, somewhat akin to the Kinsey scale of sexual orientation, the seven matrices of submission scale isn’t just asking us to pick a side, but to delve into the nuances of BDSM and submission, specifically. It doesn’t assume that just because you’re into one activity that falls under the BDSM umbrella (say, being tied up, being owned, being beaten, whether involving pain or not, etc.) that you’re into everything that does. While the scale itself doesn’t ask you why you gave a given answer, that further exploration could lead to some very interesting results, whether you’re tallying them solo or with a (play) partner or potential partner.

Read the whole thing

"Ass Men and Butt Babes"

I wrote "Ass Men and Butt Babes" and interviewed photographer Dave Naz about his new book Butt Babes.


photo by Dave Naz


Butt Babes has a foreword by Lydia Lunch!

"Never Have I Ever" sex column

My latest column is pretty personal. It's called "Never Have I Ever". As always, if you like it, spreading the word via the buttons at the top of the column or posting it is always much appreciated!



Going back to those never have I ever fantasies, some of them are as extreme as running a marathon, something I’m pretty sure I’d never do. There’s a small part of me that wants to explore them, but so many variables would have to align in exactly the right ways. Maybe they will someday, but right now I know, similar to how I have to work on my core so I can be stable for running, I have to get the rest of my life—my health, my finances, my home, my writing—in order if I’m going to approach sex in a way that enhances my life. Again, I know this isn’t everyone’s path, but when life gets too out of control, my instinct is to pull back, especially from interactions with other people where there’s a high likelihood that I or they might get hurt emotionally. It feels selfish in some ways to make me the sole priority in my life (I realize how crazy that sounds even as I’m typing it), but it’s the only thing I feel I can dedicate myself to.

That commitment to self-improvement is certainly something I haven’t done in quite the methodical way I am now. I’ve tackled bits and pieces—declaring bankruptcy here, hiring a personal organizer there, finally going to the dentist after five years—but this year, this crazy year of being 35, I’m finally forcing myself to face a lot of realities I’ve been too stubborn or sad or wishful to look at head-on before. It’s certainly not easy and my favorite vices—food, sex, shopping—are ones I’m also trying to leave behind. Obviously, I still have to eat, I’m still a sexual being and I still need to make purchases, but I mean leave behind using them in self-destructive ways, especially sex, because I don’t want to drag anyone else into my madness.

Read the whole thing

Sex After 50: The Naked Truth, new column

My latest column, "Sex After 50: The Naked Truth" quotes Naked at Our Age author Joan Price, who's about to go on a book tour, Sugar in My Bowl editor Erica Jong and more on senior sex. If you like the column, there are buttons at the top of it to spread the word - as always, that's much appreciated!



Joan Price is 67 and wants you to know that sex doesn’t stop at 50—or 60, 70 or 80 and 90!

The author of Better Than I Ever Expected is back with a new book, Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex (Seal Press), inspired by the many readers who wrote to her asking about how to deal with issues ranging from vulvar pain to breakups, illnesses such as cancer and Alzheimer’s, as well as “dating while older,” erectile dysfunction, divorce, grief, even hiring people for sex or erotc touch. The tone of the book is supportive but realistic; Price isn’t telling seniors to expect to have the exact same kinds or frequency of sex, but instead that if you’re adaptable, sex can continue (with yourself and others) for one’s entire lifetime.

Throughout the book, Price and a series of experts such as Charlie Glickman, Lou Paget, Carol Queen, and Candida Royalle offer tips related to specific queries in concise, practical responses. Price is a big sex toy advocate as well. “When I review a sex toy on my blog, I concentrate on what it does well (or is supposed to do well!), and how well it works from a senior perspective. e.g. It shouldn’t hurt arthritic wrists; it should last as long as we need without overheating or turning itself off, and more.”

Read the whole column

New column: "I'm Still Bisexual Even Though I'm Dating a Guy"

The more I type that column title, the more "duh" and obvious it sounds but still, it was something I felt was worth writing about. I'm always casting about for new column topics - one will definitely deal with Joan Price and her new book Naked at Our Age: Talking Out Loud About Senior Sex and elder sexuality. Maybe I can find something in London to write about! Still working on my Weinergate kinky sexting essay which I might just blog instead of going through the pitching rigamarole.



In some ways, my embrace of bisexual is also about a rejection of heteronormativity, of all the parts of straightness that feel oppressive to me. Yes, there are privileges accorded to straight people, but I feel there are also burdens; it’s assumed that you want to get married and become a parent and be monogamous. Stepping outside any of those roles messes with the dominant culture’s plans for you. I’d like to think being part of the LGBT community has made me more open and empathetic, and showed me how people are, in fact, so much more than any label.

What’s interesting to me is that this title, bisexual, is important to me, It's something I feel I carry no matter who I’m dating, or not dating, whereas “poly” and “kinky” are not intrinsic parts of my identity. They are things I have been at various times in my life, or rather, my relationships have been. Bisexuality is different for me, perhaps because it feels more primal than either being poly or kinky — not that they need to be pitted against each other. I used to struggle with the word “bisexual” because it implies there are only two sexes or genders, which is not something I believe, but it’s a shorthand that, in general, works for me.

My bisexuality has also played itself out in almost all of my relationships in some form. Often the form it takes is in talking dirty, and sometimes it’s gone beyond that. One girlfriend, who was pretty much exclusively into women, indulged my interest in a male friend of ours with a threesome. With most of the straight men I’ve dated, not surprisingly, they’ve been interested in fantasizing aloud about me with another woman or hearing about my own fantasies. I certainly feel freer when I have a boyfriend sharing my fantasies about women, real or imagined, than I do about other men.

Read the whole column (and if you like it, I'd love it if you'd "like" it on Facebook at the top and/or tweet, blog, etc. - all that really helps!)

New column: "When It Comes to Sex Education, There Are No Stupid Questions"

I was late so my column, "When It Comes to Sex Education, There Are No Stupid Questions," which mentions my friend Ellen Friedrichs, abstinence only craziness, Joyce T. McFadden's book Your Daughter's Bedroom and Violet Blue's The Smart Girl's Guide to the G-Spot, ran this week instead of last week; next week's will be up on Wednesday, June 15th, and that night is the Big Jewcy party at Brooklyn Winery!



A little excerpt:


At the same time, I’m grateful to have even gotten some of the basics. I wasn’t getting it on in high school, but I was curious, and with my first partner I had to investigate various forms of birth control on my own. States and towns are continually battling about how best to education their children about sexual safety. The Illinois Senate recently passed a bill mandating that contraceptives be added to the curriculum for grades six through 12 (currently, they’re only required to teach about abstinence as a form of pregnancy and STD prevention). According to the Chicago Tribune, “Sen. Dan Duffy, R-Lake Barrington, argued that teaching students anything more than abstinence would encourage them to have sex.”

This argument comes up repeatedly and always sounds like the most ignorant thing in the world to me. Not only does making abstinence the standard not work for those who aren’t going to choose it, it also means that those who are having sex, or are simply curious about it, are going to have fewer people to ask questions about sex. It makes them feel like there’s something wrong with them for having those desires. News flash: there’s not. We should all be angry that those who want to promote abstinence as the best method for teenagers can’t open their eyes enough to see that not everyone is going to follow that rule.

Furthermore, the shame, ignorance and misinformation that can brew in those who are just starting on their sexual journey is dangerous. Central Florida Future guest columnist Anna Eskamimi writes, “My high school's sexual education program revolved around us, the students, being made scared to have sex. I remember, quite explicitly, hearing premarital sex compared to used bubblegum — ‘Who would want to chew used bubblegum?’ — was our guest speaker's main argument.”

Please read the whole thing and if you like it, spread the word (there are buttons at the top, or feel free to reTweet me or @SexisMagazine, always much appreciated)!

"Penis Size Doesn't Matter--or Does It?"

I think this is the first time I've explicitly revisited a topic I'd covered for The Village Voice in this column, so I tried to make it really different from that one from 2006, which touched more on race and penis size stereotypes. The result is "Penis Size Doesn't Matter--or Does It?" I didn’t even have room (ha!) for the penis size map in this column (actually kindof forgot and it’s a long column anyway). I do talk about Steve-O’s tattoo, small celebrity penises, porn as a culprit, sexual insecurity, penis enlargement, benefits of the small penis, small penis porn and more. Thanks for reading!

"Are You (Sexually) Experienced?" - new column up

I mention Cindy Gallop’s TED Books e-book Make Love Not Porn (which despite the title is not anti-porn, see link below), Thought Catalog’s Sleeping With a Slut" essay and "beginner’s mind" in this column, "Are You (Sexually) Experienced?" Considering that I run into exes or ex-flings all over the place, it’s a timely topic. Love that a friend said: “forewarned is forearmed” re: running into exes. Indeed!

My SexIs Magazine Secrets of a Sex Writer one-year columnversary

I realized I never really marked the one-year anniversary of my column so here's all of them to date. You can always read the latest one by clicking here. Tomorrow's mentions beginner's mind, Cindy Gallop's e-book Make Love Not Porn and quotes a piece on sleeping with a slut from Thought Catalog! They usually go up around noon, every other Wednesday. You can also follow @SexIsMagazine on Twitter.

"Unpacking My Relationship Baggage"

"Do Straight Women Need an After Sex Doll to Cuddle With?" (personal favorite!)

"Why I'm Taking The Year Off From Sex and Dating"

"Yes, Even Sex Writers and Call Girls Get Jealous"

"Skype Sex for Dummies"

"Is Social Media Ruining Your Sex Life?"

"An Ode to Pussy Waxing"

"My Year in Sex"

"Is The Handjob Passé?"

"Education Myself About AIDS"

"Sleeping With Married People"

"Ex Sex (Toys)"

"Attention Deficit?"

"The Nonconsensual Play Party Voyeur"

"Like a (Very Experienced) Virgin"

"Internet Dating Pros and Cons"

"Erotica Writes and Wrongs" (advice for submitting to my anthologies)

"10 Things I Want From My Next Relationship"

"Letting Someone Into My Bed"

"A Little Bit Poly"

"Loving My Body—Kinda, Sorta, Sometimes" - reprinted on Jezebel

"My Domme Side"

"Girl Crushes, Bisexuality and Bi-Curiousness"

"My 'Trendy' Post-Breakup Celibacy"

"'Are Your Breasts Real?' and Other Questions Not to Ask a Sex Writer"

Yes, my Seattle June 27th will be this hot

And you should be there. Or wish you were there. It's free and Naked Girls Reading will be reading almost naked and I and Shanna Germain will be reading and signing Gotta Have It: 69 Stories of Sudden Sex. And there are free cupcakes! I'll be in Seattle this weekend for vacation and fun and CupcakeCamp Seattle...in June I'll be there for the Rock N Roll Marathon, which I just may be walking solo (helpful hint: don't make plans nine months in advance with anyone and expect them to stay in place) and for this fantabulous very special reading. As I've said before, I quit In The Flesh because I couldn't afford the time and financial costs, and this is the last year I'll be doing the same amount of readings unless someone else is flying me there (meaning, this is the last year I will be doing a lot of readings). I am hoping to get out to California in 2012 to do some readings with Susie Bright for Best Sex Writing 2012 (deadline May 1 and it's already shaping up amazingly).

Anyway...crazy busy time but I wanted to share this hot flyer with you. If you like it, do me a favor and head over to Facebook and share the news about this reading. Or just copy and paste. Whatever works.



June 27, 6-8 pm, FREE
Babeland, 707 E. Pike Street, Seattle
Gotta Have It reading

Join Gotta Have It editor Rachel Kramer Bussel, contributor Shanna Germain ("Genesis") and burlesque performers Jesse Belle-Jones, Polly Wood and Heidi Von Haught from Naked Girls Reading for a fun, fabulous event at Babeland Seattle for short, sexy readings from Gotta Have It: 69 Stories of Sudden Sex, plus free cupcakes! Free copies of SexIs Magazine will be given away.

"Unpacking My Relationship Baggage" - latest column at SexIs Magazine

Click through to read my latest column at SexIs Magazine, "Unpacking My Relationship Baggage."

Susie Bright interview and slut-shaming article at Alternet

Heading to DC this weekend - excited for Momentumcon, but kindof wish this were a stay-in-NYC-and-be-warm-and-catch-up-on-scary-to-do-list weekend. That'll have to be next weekend, I supposed. Very behind but determined to put Best Bondage Erotica 2011 and my kinky couples anthology (deadlines today!) to bed before I leave for Seattle in two weeks. Or as damn close as I can get. I have this mantra on repeat kindof like "I think I can," but in my case it's "The perfect is the enemy of the good." In-fucking-deed.

I interviewed Susie Bright for SexIs Magazine about her memoir Big Sex Little Death.



I wrote "Slut Shame: Why Are We Still Attacking Women for Having Sex?" at Alternet.

I didn't write either headline.

Do Straight Women Need an After Sex Doll to Cuddle With?

That's the question I ask and answer in my latest Secrets of a Sex Writer column at SexIs Magazine.



“The best part of sex is cuddling.” That’s something a male lover once told me and I’ve always remembered it. I was surprised to hear it from him because he was very into the sex were were having, and is someone I’d consider a very sexual person, though also a very sensitive person. I don’t know why, I just didn’t expect him to say that, but I was glad he did. It was a bit of a revelation for me—men like cuddling too! Sometimes I agree, and sometimes I think I’ll take a hot, fast fuck over cuddling. But lots of people don’t want to choose between them.

When I opened up the package that arrived recently at my post office box and saw a stuffed doll, I at first thought it was something I could give to one of my friends’ kids. Then I took a closer look and discovered that this unexpected gift was actually a fair trade sex product, marketed as “My After Sex Buddy,” made by a collective of single mothers in Columbia (really!). I put him and the marketing materials away in my bag, and he’s lived on my couch ever since. Mind you, I’m someone who sleeps with a giant Hello Kitty doll atop my other pillows. I wouldn’t say I cuddle with her, but I do sometimes nuzzle my face into her softness and talk to her, not in the way I would a lover, more as a way to say things I don’t think I have anyone human to say them to.

Keep reading

Why I'm Taking The Year Off From Sex and Dating

Click through to read my latest SexIs Magazine column, "Why I'm Taking The Year Off From Sex and Dating."