How to use your professional jealousy to advance your career

I wrote about how I overcome professional jealousy and why it's so alluring over at Medium. If you like it, please consider holding down the clap button at the left of the piece for 1-50 claps, which helps more people see the essay and helps me get paid. It's also an examination of the new memoir Well, That Escalated Quickly: Memoirs and Mistakes of an Accidental Activist by Franchesca Ramsey, which I highly recommend.



Specifically, I focus on a chapter Ramsey wrote (I'm 99.99% sure) about Julia Allison. If you know who she is, I think you'll enjoy the essay, and if you don't, the below Wired cover is a clue, and you can find out more in the essay.



I discuss the folly of professional jealousy and the damage it can do to career advancement, so I'll add a little context. I'm typing this at 3:20 a.m. when I should be sleeping. I'm proud of what I've accomplished, especially in the years since October 2011 when I got laid off from my magazine job and have been forced to learn how to be self-employed. My business has grossed six figures the last two years (emphasis on grossed because I invest tens of thousands of dollars back into it and am investing even more this year), but I work hard for every dollar.

There's a lot of trial and error, usually more misses than hits, and, for me, the sense that I can never relax or let go. I'm starting retirement savings in my forties and have zero guarantee of future income. So while it may look like I'm a version of "successful," and I would say I feel somewhat successful, it's an ephemeral feeling. It's why I gobble up NPR's How I Built This with Guy Raz podcast and am reading books by the likes of Barbara Corcoran. Professional jealousy is really a time waster when you consider how many tasks go into building a business (yes, even "passive income" like book royalties). I spent part of Memorial Day making lists of which photos I have handy to post on the Best Women's Erotica Instagram account and drafting a so-long-they-may-not-read-it-all email to the authors in the next volume in the series (speaking of which, the deadline for the Volume 5 call for submissions is August 1, 2018, which will be here very soon). Most days my first waking thought is about my to-do list. So the idea that anyone would be jealous of my career seems laughable to me most days, because "success" doesn't always feel incredible and amazing. It's nice when I get a big (for me) royalty check, but I'm always aware that the next one could be half or a third or a tenth of that, or nothing. That keeps me in check and buckled down focusing on the next task or project or pitch (while also, of course, taking the time to promote the books and articles that are already out so that more people can hear about them, because that's part of this job too).

You can also follow me on Medium for essays several times a week, sometimes about books, sometimes about writing and publishing, sometimes on technology or travel or whatever I'm thinking about at the moment.

My birthday wish is for you to read my new book, Best Women's Erotica of the Year, Volume 3

I've been on a break from blogging and much of social media due to life and work and trying to figure a lot of things out but now that I have two books coming out in back to back months, I'm easing back into things. I turned 42 on Friday and while it was the opposite of a celebratory day, it was a day that made me realize life is short and I need to sure I'm living it as fully as I can. I had even taken a break from my newsletter but now that's back and I encourage you to subscribe because I do monthly giveaways just for subscribers - I'll be sending November's this week with a Tasting Her: Oral Sex Stories giveaway.

The book that I'm gearing up to release next week is Best Women's Erotica of the Year, Volume 3; the ebook edition pubs on Tuesday, with the print and audiobook to follow in December. There's still a part of me that can't believe I get to edit this series that I've been reading since the very first volume edited by Marcy Sheiner, because I'm still the woman who cried tears of joy when I finally broke into the series after several tries with my "Doing the Dishes" story.

I feel like in many ways this series reminded me why I got into erotica editing in the first place: because I'm a social creature, because I believe that more is more, because I love the short story form, because I want to give other writers the chance I was given when I published my first story. There have been many moments in the last few years when I've wondered if what I do is pointless; that feeling has certainly been amplified since the last election.

What I always come back to is the realization that an anthology isn't just about me; without authors writing vibrant, sexy, deeply creative and timely stories, I'd have no books. So I owe it to them, and of course to myself and my publisher, to make sure their words are read as wide and far as possible. Real talk: it's scary to care too much, whether we're talking about people or books. I am so proud of this book and my deepest fear is that it will be released into the world with a resounding flop. Because with a series, the pressure is amplified: it's not just about this one book doing well, it's about me wanting to have a future as the editor of the series for as many years as possible.

I'm probably not "supposed" to say that on my blog or anywhere else; I often get the impression that we are supposed to be only cheerful and positive about every aspect of publishing. But I see putting out books more as a gamble, except that there's far more passion and energy devoted to each title than there is to most gambling. Ultimately, though, the outcome is a gamble. I don't know if one person or one thousand or many thousands will read this book. For my career's sake and my authors' sake, I hope it's the latter. What I do know is that while I can't control that outcome, I can make sure that even if it's just one person, that I provide them with a knockout book that makes their eyes widen on every page, that features a diverse group of women who are bold and provocative and surprising, who are mix of straight and bisexual and lesbian, many of whom I'd call feminist, who are tender and loving and also wild and daring.

I hope you'll enter this giveaway (which is U.S. only due to the prohibitive costs of overseas shipping) and, if you want to support the book with just two clicks, add it to your Amazon wishlist and Goodreads want to read list. And, of course, if you want to read all 21 crazy hot stories, I'd love if you'd purchase it or request it at your local library (yes, many libraries carry erotica and many will order books if their patrons want them). I'll be sharing more about all the hotness in the book soon, but for now, good luck and please let people know about the giveaway!

Goodreads Book Giveaway

Best Women's Erotica of the Year, Volume 3

by Rachel Kramer Bussel

Giveaway ends November 18, 2017.

See the giveaway details at Goodreads.

Enter Giveaway

Why Tuesday is my favorite day of the week

Today is Tuesday, which to me is my favorite day of the weekend, although I love weekends too, because it's payday. Since starting my part time copywriting job last June, which I go to three days a week, I've welcomed the change of going from chasing down checks that may or may not arrive on time to doing that but also getting paid every single week for the work I've done the week prior. I'd bet money (ha!) that having a steady paycheck has contributed greatly to my mental health, because I know that as long as I show up to work, I'll have that check, and can better plan when I will pay rent and bills.

From what I can tell so far this year, my book royalties will be the biggest source of my gross income, with my copywriting job the second, but the big difference is my royalties arrive four times a year and are utterly unpredictable. They've ranged from the very low thousands to over $17,000 and I have no way of predicting quarter to quarter what they will be, so I can't rely on them. That being said, I should receive my royalty statement for Q1 2017 next week and I already have a list of what I will pay for with it, including some to my retirement fund, some to debt, some to key purchases and some investing back into my biggest literary moneymaker, the Best Women's Erotica of the Year series.

This year, as I've become fanatical about bookkeeping and started truly analyzing the cost of each dollar I earn, I've realized how wasteful I was of both my time and money in my younger days. Projects like interviews for Gothamist, some of which I am still inordinately proud of, didn't pay. Others, like In The Flesh Reading Series, sometimes broke even and sometimes didn't. A wiser person would have parlayed that reading series into a book deal and/or a sponsorship. I didn't, which contributed to its demise when I felt like I was taking advantage of myself. I sometimes wonder, what could I have done with all that creative organizing energy that would have been sustainable in the long term? I don't think of it in a regretful way but more in a how can I apply this to my work life now? way.

This month I've been busy with promoting my latest Cleis Press anthology, On Fire: Erotic Romance Stories, finalizing the table of contents for the self-published rerelease of Sex and Candy and some freelance writing, and starting next week/month, I will be planning the first of many online courses I plan to teach, organized around my consulting and teaching site, EroticaWriting101. All of those projects and whatever happens after them are part of my strategy to stay relevant in the job market. I'll also be making a copywriting portfolio page and learning more about SEO and Amazon keywords. It's a lot to juggle, but I feel good about taking a proactive stance. I'm writing an essay about how I'm paying off a large amount of debt and while I'm not proud of having the debt I'm excited that I can see the light at the end of that damning tunnel and eager to get started on projects that have the potential to yield income for many years to come. Still, as long as they will have me, I'm grateful for my job, which is teaching me a whole new world and style of writing and outlook on the world, and giving me that Tuesday morning payday to look forward to. I am ready to make new mistakes (because I'm sure I will), but at least I won't be sitting around waiting for things like I did in my twenties and thirties, when I never asked for a better job title or advocated for a raise or anything else that would advance my earning potential. Now I realize that I have the power to at least try new endeavors, measure their success and go from there.

On entering new careers at 40

This year has been a drastically up and down one emotionally and professionally. The two, for me, as a woman who wears her heart on her sleeve in the form of a tattoo with the word, are intimately intertwined. For a few months I was in pretty bad shape mentally; nothing really seemed worthwhile and the less work I had, the more convinced I was that I should start prowling want ads and take any available job, not just for the money, but to feel useful and wanted.

Cut to May and June, when I've been working full-time hours six days a week and making more than I ever have in the years since I got laid off from my magazine editor job in 2011. It's been exciting, and today starts a new chapter in the form of a copywriting job that will actually require me to leave the house sometimes and work in an office, which will be its own kind of adjustment.

Before this year, I'd never done any copywriting; now I have and I've been paid for it and even though I was terrified at first, doing it once and seeing my ideas respected and valued taught me that I can do it, even if it's all new. At age 40, I assumed I would keep on simply doing the same old tasks I've been doing for years. When people asked me what my dream career was, I would say, "This, but earning more money." Well, now I am earning an income I feel is commensurate with my skills and that is helping me pay down debt and just might pay for super pricey fertility treatments, and I'm finding that knowing I am capable of learning so many new things each day has been incredible for how I value myself.

I've also learned how to be an entertainment blogger, and let me say that for me, Blogger in no way prepared me for the job I do now writing Wordpress posts. I thought I knew a thing or two about blogging; after all, tis one's been going since I believe 2002 (in a fit of rage I deleted the entire thing and brought it back sometime around 2004). I used to have a pretty significant part-time job blogging at Cupcakes Take the Cake. But writing for OMJ has been an entirely different experience.

Before May, I knew nothing about Getty Images. Now, I use it every day. Now my beats includes parents and babies who I'd honestly either never heard of or never thought of. I have constant technical questions and am now doing my best to learn as much SEO as I can because I'm genuinely curious.

I'm still all in on erotica, and will soon be revealing the updated version of my eroticawriting101.com site I launched this year to work directly with clients on their writing. I'm editing new anthologies and have book releases in July and December. I'm still doing weekly sex interviews for Elle.com and freelance writing here and there. But I can't stress enough how invaluable it is to have strangers take a chance on me in arenas I was unfamiliar with and believe in me enough to hire me. That's allowed me to believe in myself so I never feel stuck, like I can only do the things I've already done.

Maybe some wouldn't consider entertainment blogging and copywriting "new" careers because they involve writing, but I do. To me, they are vastly different from writing fiction or essays or journalism because they serve a different purpose. The writing does involve words, but to me that's where the similar ends. So as a new phase of my career begins, I wanted to share this, and if it in any small way encourages those of you wanting to learn a new skill or try anything they haven't done before, please take this as encouragement to go for it and see what happens. You'll never know unless you do.

My Best Women's Erotica of the Year, Volume 2 authors are excited, or why I keep editing anthologies even though they are always a lot of work

I'll be posting more about the anthology editing process, including my number one pet peeve and some advice for writers. It's exciting to have two new calls for submissions and I'm working on spreading the word because I've set a goal of getting 500 submissions for each book to have as much variety as possible in the final volumes (so please spread the word if you know any writers!). In the meantime, acceptances for Best Women's Erotica of the Year, Volume 2 recently went out. (The book pubs in December and is available for pre-order now.) If you're excited to read the book, please add it to your Goodreads "want to read" list and stay tuned to my next few monthly newsletters for a chance to get a review copy!

And I was going to do a separate cover reveal post but I'm too excited about this one to share it. This series is a giant honor to get to edit and every bit of support you can give the book enables me to keep on editing it and keep on publishing new authors each time.



Not only was it very special to me to be working with a book almost entirely comprised of authors I've never published before (one of my goals for the series and my anthologies generally is to publish new writers), their responses helped remind me why I do this in the first place. Yes, it's part of my income stream, but after 63 anthologies, I know I've started to lose steam. I very carefully consider every time whether I've put enough anthologies out into the world and whether there's a real purpose and meaning to my adding yet another one, and these authors have helped remind me that one of the reasons I keep on doing it is the joy of knowing I've helped someone achieve a career goal or get their first erotica byline or simply tell a wonderful story and showcase it alongside their peers.







And Best Women's Erotica of the Year, Volume 1 contributor Jade A. Waters tweeted about how happy she was to have her Shakespeare-themed short story "Ophelia the Second" read on Rose Caraway's podcast. All 22 stories in the book are read by Rose on the bestselling Audible audiobook!

On stepping out of my literary comfort zone

Last week, while battling a head cold, I also ventured into new professional territory: copywriting and entertainment blogging (for a retail business and a soon to launch site, respectively). And let me tell you, I was nervous. I have found over the last four and a half years of supporting myself as a freelance writer/editor/teacher/consultant that, even though every day is different, I can easily get into a rut. The status quo can seem like the only option because it's hard to imagine someone taking a chance on me in a new field when they could just as easily hire someone who's been doing it for years.

Both of those small gigs came about by referrals from friends, and I'm not sure if either will pan out into something larger. But whether they do or not, I'm grateful for them because they forced me to revisit all the other times I felt confused and uncertain about the work I was doing. Trust me, the first day, first month and many of the months that followed as I learned all the intricacies of copyediting marks as an editor at Penthouse Variations, I was baffled as to how it all came so easily to my coworkers. It was like learning a new language, but somehow, doing it every single day, I learned that language so well that now my mind can't help but copyedited everything I see, whether it's a sign on an office wall or the website a new friend is showing me or random billboards.

I felt the same way when I taught my first LitReactor writing class, that panicky feeling of everyone's-going-to-know-I'm-totally-winging-this. I would not say I in any way enjoy that sensation, those thoughts looping through my mind of how-the-hell-do-I-approach this? In both cases last week, I had moments of wondering if I should simply give up and say that I wasn't the right person for the job. In the past, I have given up when I couldn't get past that negative feedback loop, and in all those cases, it's haunted me ever since.

But this time, I didn't give up. I let myself acknowledge that my work wasn't perfect, that I'm a beginner, no matter how much other writing I've done, and I have to embrace that fact. I reminded myself that if they didn't like it, they could edit or tweak my work, or kick it back to me. I thought about all the times I've been edited heavily, all those notes that often on initial receipt feel overwhelming but ultimately produce work that's both stronger and more in line with what my editor is looking for.

I also thought about how many of my LitReactor students have posted some variation of "I've never thought about writing erotica before." That always blows my mind, because I went into teaching that class assuming that anyone shelling out a significant sum would have their mind set on becoming a professional erotica writer. Some students are, but others are simply open to trying something new, ready to take a chance, even if they don't know the outcome. I want to emulate that sense of literary risk-taking.

I am proud of myself for being able to say yes to something new, although it's far more challenging than staying with what I know, and hope that the future brings more newness, even if it comes with a steep learning curve. Coming out on the other side of that learning curve makes me feel like I can do anything I set my mind to.

3 things I learned from writing my now-defunct Philadelphia City Paper sex column, and how I'm applying them to my career

As I posted last week, Philadelphia City Paper will be shutting down with this week's issue. Last week's column was my final one. I won't bother posting tons of links to my favorite column since the online archives will very rapidly be disappearing. I also won't waste your time or mine lamenting this news, because I live by the Serenity Prayer. Since there's nothing I can do about the end of my column, I'm focused on other freelance writing and projects to make up for that lost income.

Here's the thing: I'm not a naturally glass half full kind of person, but I've had to be. Freelancing is the ultimate in at will employment, and I've had numerous gigs end, from my Village Voice Lusty Lady column to my stint editing Sex Diaries for New York magazine site Daily Intel. Just last month, I unexpectedly found myself with two short stories I'd expected to be published in an anthology, but weren't. I promptly published one on Lady Smut and submitted the other to Tamsin Flowers' Superotica Advent Calendar. For me, being pro-active simply feels much better than wallowing in bad news. It makes me believe the future is going to be infinitely better than the past, because I'm in charge of making it so.

So with that in mind, I want to share the three biggest lessons/takeaways I learned from writing 51 weekly columns for Philadelphia City Paper (there were a few weeks my column didn't run due to space issues).

1. Look far and wide for subjects

Yes, my column was published by a Philadelphia alt weekly, but I did my best to make it relevant to global readers. I learned when writing for the Voice that with the online edition, the column could be read by anyone, anywhere. I also didn't and don't live in Philadelphia, so I wasn't going to be able to cover too many local events, though I did take the time and spend the money to travel to Philly several times for local profiles. However, what's most fascinating to me is that almost everything I covered potentially could have wider interest. I wrote about a UK sex blogger's dick pics, which proved especially popular. Had nothing to do with Philadelphia per se, but it was about something many people were interested in, so it did well online.

I'd never written a weekly column before, and the pace often felt relentless. I wound up planning several weeks ahead just to get a grasp on things, which made it tough at the end to have already done research for upcoming columns and suddenly have no home for them. But that constant search for the new and novel forced me to broaden my horizons and seek out experts who I hadn't encountered before. I paid attention the world of sexuality in a way I hadn't been before writing the column, and I believe I'm more knowledgeable for that effort.

2. I want to have an impact on the world with my words

Going along with the potential global impact, I learned that I could break a story, and that I loved doing it. In January, my profile of my friend Crista Anne and her OrgasmQuest got picked up by numerous media outlets, including Jezebel, Refinery29, and many others, and led to Dr. Drew discussing it on his HLN show, including an appearance by Crista, prompted by the social media response to his posting about the topic. Seeing how fast and how far this topic spread, including to international press, made me realize I have good instincts. I obviously didn't know in advance the response the story would get, but this buoyed me when pitching other venues.

Last week, I broke another story about an acquaintance, based on what I'd seen her post on Facebook. My first article for Mic, "This Woman Is Fighting Fat-Shaming With These Awesome, Girl Scout-Inspired "Fatty" Badges," has now led to pieces at HelloGiggles, Cosmopolitan, Bustle, The Stir, APlus (Ashton Kutcher's website devoted to "positive journalism") and even People.com, and was even shared on Facebook by Planned Parenthood of Oregon. How could I not find that gratifying?

On both personal and professional levels, this feels good. It's not so much about outside validation, as knowing that my words resonate with others, and because of them, something I thought was powerful is becoming even more powerful.

3. I have to be the very best advocate for myself I can be

Finally, what may be the biggest lesson: I learned that I have to advocate for myself every step of the way. For instance, some of the early stories about OrgasmQuest didn't credit and/or link to my Philadelphia City Paper column. So I hopped right on email and asked for a link, and I believe every source I asked for did it. This weekend, I realized that I hadn't fully filled in my Mic profile. But my first thought was, "Why does that author get a photo and byline and Twitter link and I don't?" Then, Oh. I have to provide that information myself.. So I did, and it immediately appeared below my article. That happened when I published my hoarding essay with The Washington Post. The initial version didn't mention my Twitter handle; I'd read plenty of other contributors' pieces, so knew that was standard. I asked, and it immediately went up. It was a simple mistake, but one I doubt anyone else would notice.

That's why it's so important to know what you're entitled to, and stick up for yourself. I check anything that has my name on it, from articles to book cover copy (front and back), because my name is my reputation, which is what I use to help get me speaking and teaching gigs and new writing assignments. My sense is that a lot of people simply get grouchy or upset or vent when they seem something that seems unfair when it comes to their work, but I fully believe that what will get your farther than negativity is simply being tenacious about asking for what you deserve.

So am I upset that my column is over? Not really, because now my time is freed up to pursue bigger, more lucrative projects. I loved the column, but it's time has come and gone. I'm still writing my DAME sex column every other Wednesday, which I love doing, and will keep writing about sex, but also about books, babies, body image and whatever else catches my eye.

Why I love teaching erotica and sex writing

I used to be of the "those who can't do, teach" mindset, at least, regarding myself: who was I to teach erotica when I hadn't written a novel like almost everyone else in the field? But I realized recently that I've been teaching erotica for quite a while now, and have done it everywhere from the 92Y Tribeca to colleges like University of Pennsylvania and Northwest and SUNY Purchase to conferences like CatalystCon. Plus, I've managed to teach at sex toy stores I ardently support such as Babeland, Early to Bed, Nomia, Secret Pleasures, Self Serve, The Tool Shed and others (with one coming up October 15th at Eve's Garden in New York, where I bought my first vibrator, my third at Nomia in Portland, Maine October 21st and one November 8 at the brand new Lotus Blooms in Washington, DC). When I have a whole month to teach at LitReactor (next one is November 3-December 3), we can really dig into the topic and I get to research students' questions, which has led me to find agents seeking erotica, analyze threesome scenes and much more.

It was really teaching two three-hour workshops in one day at CatalystCon, which I did twice in 2014 and twice this year, and will again on April 1 in Chicago, that showed me, Yes, you know what you're doing. You're good at this. You can't lead people for six hours if you're talking out of your ass, so to speak.

Conversely, even when given a short amount of time, to know that I've moved people, that I've inspired them, that I've gotten them writing and encouraged them to think about doing more writing and maybe sending their work out into the world, means so much to me. It's also made me realize that teaching is a different skill set entirely. I've had to go back through my own writing, writing I've published and writing I've enjoyed reading and break down exactly what makes it work in order to explain it to students. I truly enjoy knowing what students want to know and doing my best to help them with answers. I would say the vast majority of what I do is encourage; it's not a step by step, you type this and write this and voila, you have erotica. It's more about unlocking their minds to the possibilities of what they can conceptualize, what they can use as fodder, where their stories can go, and then coaxing them through the process.

On Sunday at Sexual Health Expo (aka, SHE), I only had half an hour to teach, which is much shorter than I'd normally talk for, but I was thrilled and impressed with the way students dove right in at 11 a.m., asked questions, and told me they found it useful. While I still would prefer a longer time slot, knowing I could make an impact and impart information that got people writing made me so thrilled. During one writing exercise, I whispered to my friend F. Leonora Solomon, asking if I could mention her by name as the editor of two upcoming Riverdale Avenue Books anthologies on femdom erotica (January 31 deadline) and Victorian era erotica. She said yes, and I did, and then she asked a question I was so happy I could answer. And look what happened:





So yes, it's part of my business and how I earn a living, but alongside that, teaching has given me new insights into how erotica and sex writing work, and why I do them and want to encourage others to.

On writing from the heart and reminding myself why I do this

Lately, whether between the move or my impending 40th birthday or who knows what, I've been feeling stuck creatively. Even though I have a to do list that seems to get bigger every day, I don't always know where to start, or, more importantly, why to start. What am I doing? What does it matter? I love putting my books out in the world, I love the process of crafting a specific set of writing and submitting it, but sometimes, I don't even get started before I'm questioning what the point is.

But this weekend, when The Mid published my essay "Why I'd Trade My Dream Career For A Baby", I was reminded that writing from the heart, writing our truths, matters. I've seen such an amazing, blossoming, fascinating discussion about it in the comments on my personal Facebook page, ranging from fertility options to whether adoption actually costs an exorbitant amount. I've had people share their fertility and pregnancy stories, good and bad. I've heard about adopting and fostering and advanced maternal age and gotten heartwarming advice.

Last night, I saw someone I haven't seen in person in maybe a decade. She was waving at me in a room full of people and I was actually certain she was waving at someone else, mostly because I wouldn't have thought she'd remember me. Lo and behold, she did and had read my piece and shared some encouraging information and I was so touched that someone who, because of my own insecurities, I think I'd have pegged as "too cool" to care about little old me was so genuine and heartfelt. My essay became a talking point, a moment of connection, a way of, via my own sharing of personal details, inviting other people to share theirs.

It reminded me that, while of course not all of my writing is about that kind of intimacy, that's what I want more of from myself, from my work. That's the guiding principle I want to strive for: deep truths, not partial ones. Risky ones, scary ones, truths that might unnerve or upset someone but that demand to be told. Truths that take courage, truths that invite others to tell theirs. I've missed that, been looking for it, been feeling listless and nervous about where I am, in my life, geographically, pretty much in every way. I don't have an exact plan of how to go from that restless, unfocused place to one where I tell deep truths every day and make a sufficient living, but that's where I'm heading, where I want to be heading, and I want to infuse the rest of what I do with that same passion. So thank you to everyone who read the piece, who took a moment to say something encouraging, who made me feel less alone.

Embracing the unknown and finding my purpose

This won't be the grand, wonderful, amazing post I wish it could be, similar how no piece of writing I do is ever as perfect as I hope it will be, because it's 7:30 a.m., I have a 10 a.m. writing deadline, a LitReactor class awaiting feedback, a mover coming to assess how much I have to pack and lots more to do today. Which reminds me that I didn't share my links here yesterday, but I wrote about Cate Blanchett not being a sexual role model and surveyed Mad Men fan fiction for Salon. That's sort of my lesson at this ultra hectic time of my life: do the best you can, and focus on your life's purpose, because life itself may be short.

That, along with the only prayer I embrace, The Serenity Prayer, is why I don't have time or energy to worry about the umpteen what ifs happening in the wake of most or possibly all of the staff at my main publisher, Cleis Press, changing. Was it a surprise to me? Yes, but so is, well, every day, not just in my professional life, but in every aspect of my day, there are always surprises. My job is to roll with them rather than being undone by them. We never know what's coming next. What I do know is that I'm still signing books at Book Expo America next Wednesday and still on track to turn in Best Women's Erotica 2016 next month, hopefully before my move, but probably while I'm in the midst of unpacking (get your stories in by June 1 as there will not be any extensions!).

The bottom line for me is that it's publishing. Of course there are unknowns, all the time, and all I can do is try to make the best decisions possible for myself. I had a contract end for a site I loved writing for, and in the wake of that, I've been pitching new places, and you know what? I'm working on new stories I'm just as excited about. Does that make it "easy?" Of course not, but that's part of the ups and downs of freelance life, as is this upheaval.

Having this news for one day, I have literally no clue what the future will bring, but I know it can't be as bad as last year when I had to move because my book were selling so badly I was sure I would never edit another one. Sometimes I actually welcome those rock bottom moments because there is literally nowhere to go but up. Lo and behold, this year, I am going to the bank to get bank checks to move into our house with royalties from those little books I'd almost given up hope on. Aside from making me feel self-sufficient, that tells me that I have to keep going forward, to keep believing in the power of those books I've poured so much of my energy into. So I'm going to keep touting the amazing work of my authors because they keep wowing me, because I have a new book about sex toys out and it's National Masturbation Month and I published sci fi erotica and love doll erotica and a vibrator narrator and I'm fucking proud of that. It's my name on the book's spine too. What I'm most afraid of is that readers will see this news and decide to abandon us editors too, and that would be a shame.

If I didn't believe in what I do, I wouldn't be shelling out cash to go to New York for Book Expo or buying postcards to stuff in bags for TES Fest or mailing dozens of books to contest winners. I love doing that stuff, and it's my way of saying thank you for supporting my books, buying them or checking them out of the library or reading them in whatever format, of spreading the word, of making it so that I can afford both to move and to have the time to continue to write and edit more books. I'm going to publish many new authors I've never worked with before in Best Women's Erotica 2016, and that gives me a sense that I'm giving back, that I'm giving someone else the chance I got way back when I was a wayward law student looking for a new, better path. I'm grateful for that opportunity, and if it's the last anthology I edit, all the more reason to do a kickass job on it, right?

There will also be outside events attempting to pull us away from our true purpose. It took me what feels like twenty years of flailing, from dropping out of a law school I'm still paying for to assorted jobs with their high and low points, to this already chaotic year, where I get to truly live out some of my writing dreams, but still face a blank page at the start of each morning. That is my focus right now: making sense of that blank page, digging in to the tasks at hand, rather than fretting endlessly about all the ways everything could unravel. I'm the kind of person who could live entirely within that potential unraveling to the point that I so often don't even appreciate the bounty of my life, all the love and joy and high points, because I've convinced myself disaster has already struck. In my middle age, I'm trying to kick Disaster Girl to the curb and become a new, wiser, kinder person, one who's filled with dreams rather than doom. That goes against my nature, so it's taken a transformation, the deeply internal, personal, very tough kind, with plenty of detours, like last Friday where I got home and pretty much collapsed in bed, unable to stop crying. But today I want to start over, to trust myself, to trust my partner, to trust whatever comes next.

I'm almost 40, and I feel that big birthday looming over me, especially in the uncertain times, the waiting for checks time, the unanswered pitches times, the half-finished project times, the what-am-I-doing times, the her-job-sounds-so-amazing-I-wish-I-had-it ties. This year I decided to push back at all that fear, to push back at my worst doubts and worst habits, to stop writing for free with extremely rare exceptions, and to chase every lead I can, while also giving myself space to pause when I'm sick or simply cannot tackle everything on my plate. Then I assess and regroup and dig back in. I am doing everything I can to make a sustainable life, because all I want in the world is to be a stay at home mom writer. I am hesitant to even keep saying it lest the universe laugh in my face and "all" I get to be is a writer, no mom and no staying at home, but that's okay. It's all an unknown, and there are no guarantees of anything. I can just face that blank page, and all those blank spaces, with my best intentions and fully focused dedication.

If this freelance life doesn't work out, I am prepared to let it go, every last bit of it, but I've finally stopped thinking that giving up writing/teaching/editing is around the corner. I've started to believe in and invest in myself, to pull out all the stops to promote my books while also knowing that books can't be my primary source of income because their sales are so wildly unpredictable. I've started to ask myself the hard questions and the rest of this year I will continue to assess how I want to conduct my business, where it makes sense to focus my energies and where it doesn't.

So that's where my focus is right now: right in front of me. Today, the present, this morning, these tasks. Teaching my class, editing my book, packing, change of address, goodbyes and hellos, trying to stay as mentally and physically healthy as I can possibly be so that maybe, just maybe, I can make my biggest dream come true. Anything that gets in the way of that, I just don't have time for.

I've been a drama queen for way too long, someone ready to fall into a heap at the slightest disappointment, and now it's time to be a businesswoman, a partner, an actual adult, with all the attendant responsibilities and trouble shooting. I don't have an exact mission statement yet, but it's all becoming much clearer, that what I seek to do is work with words, to encourage other people to embrace their words, to push myself to take risks, to fail, to get back up again, rather than live in an endless literary hamster wheel.

All I know is, I've had to make peace with my own failings, my own foibles, my own abilities, especially in the last year and a half, and see how I can best put my strengths to work for me. It's a constant refining process, one that's full of doubts, but also full of learning from my mistakes. That's what I intend to keep doing, and it has nothing to do with relying on any one person or company or source of income to save me. It has to do with saving myself. So whatever happens next, I'll be as ready as I can be.

Because like Clem Snide, "I Love The Unknown." Or at the very least, I know it's unavoidable.

Watch Abiola Abrams interview me about work and writing and being a spiritpreneur!

Yesterday afternoon I had the pleasure of chatting on Google Hangouts with my friend Abiola Abrams, for her Spiritpreneur School video series. She is an amazing writer, host and go-getter, about we discussed various things related to writing, blogging, making money, career, dropping out of law school and success. I quoted her recently in my how to have the best date ever column. You can follow her on Twitter @abiolatv to find out more about what she's up to. Watch our discussion on her site.

On saying yes in order to say no

Last week, I did something exceedingly hard for me: I turned down a wonderful opportunity to participate in an event where I would have been paid and gotten comped hotel and meals. It would have given me a chance to connect with other writers and see a new city and teach, all things I love to do. But this year, my goal is to work smarter and to live smarter, not just to say yes to anything and everything without a thought to the consequences.

I was originally intrigued by the invitation because it's in Southern California, and I will be in Southern California the weekend preceding this event for CatalystCon West. "South" is south, right? Well, not exactly. Not only was this event five days after CatalystCon ends, it wasn't exactly next door to Burbank. Plus, after checking flights, I realized I will likely fly out to Catalyst the Wednesday beforehand, which would mean 10-12 days away from home, a month following what will probably be an international vacation of that length that I'm hoping to take in August.

The very idea of all that travel was starting to stress me out, which was my first sign. Then I wondered if I'd be pregnant by then (universe, PLEASE MAKE THIS HAPPEN) and whether I wouldn't be more comfortable with a shorter trip. Then I thought about how, even though I love the theoretical ability to "work from anywhere," the truth is I do my best work in my home these days. I think more clearly, make my umpteen to do lists, have access to books and papers and creature comforts.

But still. I felt guilty, because I'd already expressed interest to the organizers and the person who connected me to them. As many good reasons as I had to turn it down, there were also good reasons to say yes. The more I considered it, though, the more I realized that by saying no in this case, it freed me up to say yes to other things. Maybe that week I'll pitch my heart out and land an amazing byline. Maybe that week I'll work on promoting my fall books, or start a new project. Maybe that week I'll reconnect with my boyfriend after being away probably far too much for his liking. Who knows? I just sensed that even though it had a lot of pluses on its side, it wasn't right for me at that exact time.

Saying no in order to leave my options option is something I want to do much more of this year. I've committed to my upcoming erotica writing workshops in State College (April 27) and Philadelphia at SEXx Interactive (May 8), and will be doing events in Portland, Maine June 2nd at Nomia and June 3rd (the latter is being finalized any day now, I hope), and after that, I am mainly focused on building my business in the way that works best for me. I've done events, more than enough of them, and I've even gotten a book deal based on an editor seeing me do a reading. But that is not where my heart is. My writing heart is at home, and that's where I need to focus if I ever hope to have a freelance career with longevity, let alone become a mom. Yet standing up and saying that, especially when it means turning down what feel like exciting opportunities, is unnerving. There's a part of me that thinks, But if I say no to this, will I ever get asked to do anything again? That's the voice I'm trying to silence as much as possible, because sometimes, it's not about being asked, but about making our own opportunities. So here's to those, and whatever the future holds.

Supporting myself and supporting my fellow authors and editors

I haven't publicly posted about this yet, in part because I haven't known what to say, and in part because I've been busy with deadlines and teaching. Now that I'm between LitReactor classes, and actually getting over a cold as I prepare to hit the road for my Virginia and Maryland events and post my first call for submissions in a while, it seemed appropriate.

This year, in marked contrast to last year when I had to move because I wasn't bringing in enough income, I'm approaching work from a steadier place, but still one that is lived freelance check to freelance check. I'm working on doing everything I can to best bolster my business, including making smarter choices than I have in the past. I used to flit off to every event that asked me to speak, paying no mind to the cost either because I had a full-time job then or I thought it would be "good for my career" to always say yes. This year, I am soundly focused on minimizing my costs while also making sure I meet the deadlines for my steady writing gigs at Thought Catalog, Philadelphia City Paper and DAME and pushing myself to write for new venues. This means that I will be drastically cutting back on travel and events, even those in New York City, in order to protect my time for my work and my personal time. I'm learning that in order to have the energy, interest and focus to do what needs to be done, I have to say no almost as often as I say yes professionally, and think hard about the things I do say yes to.

It also means that I have to make the best choices for my career, including when I sign on to edit more anthologies, which I've held off on as I catch up on previous ones (which I am wrapping up this month). My approach is not the same as it once was, when I was crazily editing 6-8 anthologies a year, which meant a heavy workload for me, less enjoyment of the process, and what I see as my book sales cannibalizing each other. Now, I am being more choosy and doing fewer books per year, but putting my heart and soul into the creation and promotion of them. For instance, this year, I see Come Again: Sex Toy Erotica as my strongest release because it's likely to have the most widespread appeal, it's very fun, and it's one I'm incredibly excited about (my copies are shipping to me from the printer today!). Therefore, I'm putting a lot of my own time, effort and money behind promoting it. I couldn't do that if I had another book coming out right behind it. (That's all me and my particular personal situation; plenty of authors, especially romance and erotica authors, can and do successfully put out and promote numerous books per year. I strive to learn from them but also know my limits.)

So for every new book or writing project, I very carefully consider and decide how they best fit into my overall goals for my work and my business. Part of why I now strongly prefer teaching writing online is because the only cost to me is time. I approach any new business decisions the same way, which is why I hired a lawyer for the first time in my life to help negotiate the contract I just signed. Trust me, as a former law student who still feels tremendous guilt about dropping out, even 15 years on, this was not an easy step, but it was a necessary one that had an immediate result. It reminded me that I have to always work to protect myself first and foremost. I've made the choices that work for me, and will evaluate any future decisions on a case by case basis.

That being said, yes, I've been troubled reading the recent accounts by Violet Blue, Alison Tyler, and Kristina Wright about their treatment in publishing, by the press we share in common, all of whom I consider friends and colleagues and all of whom have published my writing in previous, current or future anthologies. I care on both levels; as a friend/colleague and as an author.

Here's the part where I don't really know what to say, so what I'm going to say is: support their work and buy their books. How have I done that? In addition to purchasing their books, by doing things like interviewing Violet Blue about her must-read The Smart Girl's Guide to Privacy, which genuinely changed how I approach so many aspects of my life; it's also being re-issued this July by No Starch Press and I strongly urge you to read it and take the necessary steps to protect yourself (see the book's Tumblr for more information). By mentioning their books, like Morning, Noon and Night in a column about sex at various times of the day. Stay tuned for Thursday's sex column about threesomes quoting Kristina Wright.

Here are covers and links to their recent or upcoming books. I hope you'll support my fellow authors' work and my work. I don't see this as an either/or situation. How can you support them? Buy their books, read their books, blog and Tweet and post on other social media about their books. Review them on Goodreads and Amazon. Spread the word. Follow them @violetblue @AlisonTyler @kristinawright on Twitter. Sharing book news counts for so much in an age when many of us, me included, find out about what we want to read next online. As someone who lives in a town without a bookstore, I do support brick and mortar stores when I'm in them, but most of my book purchases are made online because that's what I can access on a daily basis.

I'm proud of the stories I have in their books, and hope we all have incredible success whatever publishing path we choose because I believe the market has room for great sexy smut of all kinds. I'm linking to Amazon, as I often do, because they have an affiliate program and I think Kindle is one of the most common ways of accessing ebooks, but I encourage you to support your local independent bookstores and publishers. For Violet Blue's ebook titles, including erotica anthologies Filthy Housewives and Holiday Kink, get them from Digita Pub. Now, a reading list for you:

Bisexual Husbands edited by Violet Blue, out this Thursday, March 20th (read the introduction)



Official blurb:

Seven stories skillfully depict seven different bisexual husbands whose cravings for a same-sex tryst have reached the point of no return, and their wives can't wait to watch -- or join in, sometimes controlling the action. Layered characters and vivid, clever fantasies drive this compendium of bisexual men in loving couples who want to get dirty -- sometimes taking turns as the center of a three-way where there's truly no limits.

In "Your Turn" an unsuspecting husband is turned into a plaything by his wife and her dominant executive boss; in "Pick Up The Interest" a woman orchestrates payback for a secret same-sex favor her husband received in college. "Roger's Fault" watches a husband find out his wife wants to be "one of the boys" in a same-sex threesome; "Sparks Will Fly" finds a wife picking up a total stranger in an exclusive hotel for a surprise encounter her husband will never forget.

In editor Violet Blue's award-winning style, this collection takes graphic erotica, casts each story with complex and relatable characters, puts them in the hands of exciting writers, and blends literary erotica with hardcore. Bisexual Husbands delivers a rich erotic anthology, artfully spiked with charming cocktail recipes and playful tips for trying out bisexual fantasies in real life. Blue's introduction to the book "Bisexual and Voracious" features steamy story excerpts within an essay that looks at perceptions of male bisexuality and takes apart what everyone gets wrong about bi men -- namely, that they don't really exist. This book shows exactly (and graphically) just how hot bisexual men can be.

This book contains adult situations, including domestic discipline, backdoor and oral play, power exchange, role-play, bisexual men, and explicit scenes. The book also depicts non-monogamous relationships and sexual activity (and penetration) involving more than two individuals.

Alison After Dark: Sultry Stories to Keep You Up All Night by Alison Tyler



Official blurb:

Alison After Dark features nine naughty stories by Alison Tyler. "Insomnia" is Ms. Tyler's middle name—in fact, if you're up, she's probably up—and these tales explore many of the different illicit events that occur in the middle of the night. Themes include watching a girlfriend with another man, to cheating, to anal, to figging.

The sultry stories in the collection are a mix of brand-new, never before published pieces (The Keymaster, The Key, The Keyhole, All Things to All Women), as well as several hard-to-find stories (Too Dirty to Clean, The Prince and the Upholsterer, Cherry Slushie, and Seeing Stars). Finishing the collection is: Planes, Trains, and Banana-Seat Bicycles (originally published in The Mile-High Club).

Violet Blue says, "Alison Tyler is a prolific, sharp editor and a hell of a writer."

Publishers Weekly says, "Readers tired of sensationalistic portrayals of BDSM will appreciate Tyler’s nuanced and realistic approach..."

City Book review says, "Alison Tyler shines as a literary voice in erotic fiction."

This book contains erotic content and is intended for adult audiences only.

Three of Hearts: Erotic Romance for Women edited by Kristina Wright, out now in print and ebook, including Kindle (contains my story "An Extra Pair of Eyes")



Official blurb:

Three’s company? No, three’s a charm! Three of Hearts features sexy trios who are not just falling into bed, but are also falling in love. These stories fearlessly explore the emotional and sexual dynamics of three hearts romantically intertwined. Voyeurs and exhibitionists alike get what they want in Rachel Kramer Bussel’s “An Extra Pair of Eyes.” “What Happens in Denver” leaves indelible memories when three co-workers get snowed in during Cheyenne Blue’s romp. Editor extraordinaire Kristina Wright outdoes Kerouac in her wildly romantic “Three for the Road.” From a couple introducing a third person to their relationship for just one night of fun, to a woman torn between two lovers—who decides not to choose—and long-term triads who collaborate on all their desires, Three of Hearts focuses on joy in triplicate and female pleasure.

A week in the life of a full-time writer

Since getting laid off in the fall of 2011 from my full-time magazine editing job, I've called myself a full-time writer and editor. Technically, that has been true, and in the last two years I've added a lot more teaching and consulting to that equation. But this past week, I've realized how not quite accurate that was, because that definition of "full-time" had a lot of give and take, a lot more lee-way. You don't have that when you're on tap to file, file, file. Maybe that's obvious to anyone who's had a newspaper job or a more strenuous freelance career. The truth is, I got lazy. My books were doing okay, so I was able to coast. Then, last year, that abruptly ended and I've got zero tricks left to try to get my books back into some semblance of popularity. I still have hope, which is why I do things like give away free books to Thunderclap supporters. It's more a matter of my time; I have to use it as wisely as possible, and book promotion has fallen by the wayside in favor of earning a living. Ultimately, the lesson that I may love my books, but the world may not, was a good thing because it showed me I cannot rely on something so precarious if I want to support myself and, hopefully, a child. That would be utterly foolish and I don't want to make the same mistake twice.

So when I got offered new work out of the blue, of course I took it (I don't say yes to everything, but I do my best to pursue writing opportunities that will help my bank account and my career). Hence, this week, I've gotten up before six every day and been going-going-going what feels like the entire day, with a little time with my boyfriend, and then back at it. It's an honor to have editors believe in my work enough to ask me to not only write for them, but trust that my story ideas are worthy. Writing for Salon, in this case, is something I dreamed of for a decade before it finally happened.

So I am in no way complaining, just noting that this week was a handful. It's meant constantly being on my laptop so that I can reply to the latest round of edits on an essay, scouring the internet for something noteworthy to cover, interviewing authors, planning upcoming sex columns, promoting the ones that went up. It's been wonderful, but definitely not a pace I could keep up forever, even though I definitely need the money. As I try to be a responsible adult in middle age, for the first time in my life, I'm trying to truly live by the Serenity Prayer and abandon the aspects of my career I have no control over and focus on the ones I do. This is also part of flexibility: recognizing what's not working and choosing to move into new arenas, rather than literally doing the same thing over and over again. It's a challenge, and one I don't always live up to, but I'm trying, and I'm writing this post mostly to highlight, for me, that I can do it, even when it seems hard or impossible. That even though being this kind of full-time around-the-clock writer can feel daunting, I have work I can truly be proud of to show for it and it can be about topics as varied as I am. And who knows? Maybe someday I won't be doing all of this from home, and I'll get to work at a cool office where the fast pace will be fun and I'll have colleagues to bounce ideas off of. Part of me would absolutely love that; I miss co-workers, and think I'd enjoy the fast pace of that kind of writing or editing job. I don't mind fast-paced, but I think the other side of loving what you do is being able to have a little time away from it too, hopefully.

While writing this post, I took a Facebook break and found this piece in The New York Times on "Why You Hate Work" by Tony Schwartz and Christine Porath. From that article: "The more hours people work beyond 40 — and the more continuously they work — the worse they feel, and the less engaged they become." I get that, intensely. I want to make it clear, I don't hate my work, I just don't want to get burned out and then give up and then not hold up my share of my household duties. That is my biggest fear, which is different than when I lived alone. Then, I was the only one to answer to. Now, there's an added layer of shame when I have to borrow money for rent because I didn't save enough, or a check was later than expected, or whatever the issue du jour.

I'm wrapping up next week's articles and columns and then putting on a different hat: LitReactor writing teacher. I can't wait to dive in with my 16 students and see what they come up with, and I am also hoping to book upcoming online classes as well.

I didn't write all of these this week, but this is what I've published from Saturday to Friday. Thank you for believing in me, editors, and thank you for reading. Yes, there's lots more next week. I look forward to more, just at a slightly less crazy pace. On the off chance you're an editor reading this and you like my writing, please don't let my pre-coffee 8:35 on a Saturday morning tone discourage you; I'm available for work, starting now. Okay, after my coffee.

"Do condoms kill the mood of a book? Erotica authors don't agree on safe sex demands" for Salon

"Why Marriages Cannot Be End Goals (And The Ways We Still Convince Women They Are)" for Thought Catalog

"Old magazines, stuffed animals, and sex toys: How hoarding shaped my relationship " for Washington Post Post Everything

"Fresh Meat: Fry Another Day by J.J. Cook" for Criminal Element

"Sex shop crimes: How vandals, creeps and violence threaten our neighborhood vibrator peddlers" for Salon

"The Huffington Post's 'good news' experiment is bad news for Facebook" for The Daily Dot

"Meet a sexier, smarter Dom than Christian Grey" for Philadelphia City Paper

"Christian sex activists warn against the “dangers of mommy porn” and “50 Shades of Grey”" for Salon

"The anti-Pick Up Artist’s Guide: A new graphic novel teaches teen boys how to form healthy hook-ups" for Salon

Writers, you will always be your own best advocate

The biggest lesson I've learned since getting laid off in October 2011, and most especially in the last year or so, is that I am always my own best advocate. No editor, publisher, agent or anyone else, no matter how wonderful they may be, will ever be you. That's really the bottom line, and it's in your best interests to always be looking out for your bottom line. Case in point: my male and female nudity column from last week got cut from the print edition of Philadelphia City Paper due to space considerations. It didn't occur to me to ask until it was too late to have them put a line in the paper saying readers could find my column on the website, but I've now done so in the event that happens again.

It's not that I would have gotten paid more for that or that it truly matters in the long-term, but the more readers, the broader my reach, the more my work is being seen and that can potentially lead to future work and more people who are familiar with me. Otherwise someone night have think my column had ended (as they will find out this week, it hasn't). So that's one example. Another is me contacting publications and asking them to credit my OrgasmQuest column and link to it. So far everyone I've asked has said yes, and the reason I do that is both because I know the powers that be care about readership, but even more, because I broke that story. Generally, online, most places will link to the source of a story, as Jezebel and Bustle did, including some of my words along with the basics of what's going on. Again, that isn't necessarily in my job description as a sex columnist, but for me it's important.

I always scour my books' Amazon listings to make sure things like the correct book cover, book description and other identifying information are included, and when they're not, I advocate to get them changed. This isn't so much because I don't think people will by the book if there's one stray mistake, but those listings represent me and my name and brand and I want them to be as accurate as possible. Of course, you have to balance these sorts of things with earning a living. Even though I have Google alerts on my name and variations of it and I do try my best to pay attention to what's going on related to my work, I'm sure I miss plenty of things. That's okay too.

But I fully believe that nobody else will be watching out for you the way you will be, and rather than just sulking that something's wrong, I see part of my job in the broader sense as working to fix those things. To me it's all part of what your goals are for your work as a writer and how you go about building that brand, something we will be discussing more of in my upcoming Erotica 101 and Sex Writing 101 classes (I'm working on getting more online classes in the mix after March!), because I think they are part of what help you further your career goals. I learned a ton about how to promote myself over the course of promoting readings, starting with the very first one I organized, a Best Lesbian Erotica 2001 reading at Bluestockings, through the five years of In The Flesh Reading Series in New York and now through assorted writing workshops and readings. All of that is information I use pretty much every day to make sure that I'm doing myself justice, that the pieces I spend time on are read by as many people as possible. That's how I think of it, and reading The Desire Map: A Guide to Creating Goals with Soul by Danielle LaPorte has helped me get clear on why I do what I do and what my mission is with it. I have emails drafted to people I respect about a story that will run tonight that I think is an important one, not because I wrote it, but because the whole reason I did is that I think it's an important feminist sexuality issue that we should be paying attention to. LaPorte has helped me understand that in advocating for myself, I'm also advocating for what I'm putting out into the world. If I wasn't proud of that, all this would be pointless.

Thanksgiving sex I'm thankful for

This week's sex column is all about sex and gratitude and Thanksgiving. With a smidge of politics:

Firstly, I'm grateful to live in a country where homosexuality and abortion are legally protected — for now — and to have received decent, though not perfect, sex education.

Now, for the personal blessings. Unlike the Duggar family of reality TV show 19 Kids and Counting, I don't believe saving sex for marriage is the key to happiness. Instead, I'm convinced all my previous hookups, dates and relationships have shaped me into who I am today. They weren't all positive, but they did each teach me valuable lessons.

I'm truly grateful that while attending CatalystCon I got one of those magic career-boosting emails asking me to write this column, which in turn has brought me to Philadelphia a few times and given me the chance to explore a city that's so near and yet so far (about an hour and fifteen minutes by car, or, for this non-driver, four hours by public transportation).

So much of my sex writing career has happened that way, though in 2015, I plan to set goals and push myself to pursue new opportunities, including writing, editing and teaching, but this year, many of them came to me. I've learned that you never know how long a column will last, so as I cook up new hot topics (and welcome your suggestions at rachelkb at gmail.com with "City Paper" in the subject line), I'm grateful for it in the here and now, however long it lasts. Writing a weekly column requires a lot of planning as well as being able to respond to the news as it happens, and that's something I look forward to doing into the new year.

The girl who used to say yes way too often finally learns to say no

One of my favorite essays ever is "The Girl Who Only Sometimes Said No" by Diana Joseph, which I was incredibly honored to reprint as the opener to Best Sex Writing 2010. This post is about saying yes and no, though not to sex, but to events. I used to say yes to all of them. I thought it was a job requirement. If you say no to anything it's bad karma. You need to "get out there" to promote your work. I took those ideas and ran with them all over New York City, all over the country, all over the world, for some very pretty pennies. I'm not here to castigate myself because I'm honored that bookstores like Powell's have had me speak there. I don't love public speaking but I do love meeting people and bringing other authors to a live audience. But I will always be more at home behind my computer screen.

Now that I am moving, and will be 80 minutes and almost $30 away from Manhattan, saying no has become a lot easier. I just turned down three reading and absolutely know it was the right decision. Some look amazing, like the chance to read with Pam Rosenthal or read at the famed Nuyorican Poets Cafe for Bi Lines, both of which I'd do in a heartbeat if I still lived here, but the thing about this beautiful yet maddening city is that there is always something going on. That's part of why I'm leaving. It's too much. You could spend your whole life going to event after event and never get any paid work done, or any writing you care about. It's something I'm sure someone who's better at moderation than I could handle. They'd go to some events, not go to others, and not stress about either. Me? I want to go to everything. I want to support everyone. I don't want to miss what feel like once in a lifetime opportunities. But the downside of that is you miss out on your life if all you do is try to keep up with everything and everyone. I've lived in or adjacent to New York City for almost 17 years, and it's given me so many gifts. I love the memories of the readings I've done, even though I always have that awkward tentative nervous tremulous way of speaking, because I'm not a performer by nature. I'm a performer by accident, by luck, by who knows what.

Part of why I'm having trouble moving is that there are so many memories wrapped up even in garbage, flyers, filth. I found a flyer for a reading I did years ago at Meow Mix, the legendary lesbian bar that of course now no longer exists. I treasure that memory. I'm glad I didn't say no to it. But I'm in a very different place than I was back then, when I was trying to establish myself, make connections, figure out how to even get up on a stage without bombing completely.

I'm starting to learn that I have to be ruthlessly selfish in order to make a go of this writing career thing. I can't say yes to events just to be nice or because I'm panicked about what the future will bring if I say no. I have to have faith that writing, that simple yet sometimes impossible thing that is my job, is what will save me, what will get me through. I have to have faith that even though I may not be at all these readings, I will be somewhere else. I will be sending someone a bookmark or posting an excerpt or piecing together an essay. I will be cooking dinner with my boyfriend. I will be building a home. I will be doing things that don't feel like burdens. I will not be trying to force myself into a role I'm not qualified for, thereby giving people who are performers, who do love being on stage, who want to be there, that opportunity. I'm glad that I didn't always say no, but I'm glad that I'm finally learning that there's no reason to say yes unless you really really want it. Right now what I really really want is to be in my new home, far from New York with its too muchness, it's overwhelmingness, its temptations, its distractions. I want my feet to be my primary mode of transportation. I want to leave the New York chapter of my life behind.

Does that mean I won't be back? Of course not. But I don't know when or how often. And I know I will be where I belong. Will it be weird to not attend BEA for the first time since, I believe, 2001? Yes. But it will also free me to savor the books I already have. It will give me a chance to slow down, to take my time, to move at a healthier pace. I remember when I landed in Honolulu last year my friend chastised me for talking too fast, saying something to the effect that people don't move at that speed there. It took me a few days to adjust to that pace, and I know suburban New Jersey is not Honolulu, but the same principle applies. It won't have that same rhythm New York does, because it will have its own rhythm. And so will I.

My first article for The Grindstone, and want to read: The Gifts of Imperfection

Looks like this never posted. OOPS! Pretend it's last week. Or maybe it did and I'm reposting. I've lost track of almost everything this week, but I am excited to read this book.

I just ordered The Gifts of Imperfection by Brené Brown, after seeing this Tweet by Alina Tugend, author of Better by Mistake, who inspired my first article for The Grindstone, which went up today, "How Your Mistakes Can Make You Better at Your Job." If you like it, I'd love it if you "liked" it on Facebook, posted it on your blog, etc. I always like to look good to my editors and...traffic is one way to do so.

I hope you like the piece; I learned a lot from Tugend's book and my interviewees, and am excited to be writing for The Grindstone - next up is couples who work together and when's the right time to go back to school. The site is part of B5 Media, which runs The Gloss and Crushable, both of which I've written for, among others.

Anyway, this book looks like it'll be good airplane reading: