Oh yeah, my last The Frisky column and visiting my ex

I feel so weird always saying "my ex" or "my ex-boyfriend" since it's not like it's a secret who he is, but anyway...I wrote my final Dating Drama column for The Frisky on how to deal with an ex. As in, do you stay friends? Don't talk at all? Do what I'm about to do and probably sleep with them?

Speaking of breakups, rejection and the like...I've been assured by my two very awesome editors there that it wasn't me, and it wasn't them, but the economy. At first, of course I was upset because nobody likes to be told their writing is no longer needed, plus I had just updated all these bios saying I write that column, and, yes, the money. But the more I thought about it, the more I realized it was fun while it lasted but is totally cool with me. It frees up my mind and my energy to write about other things; I just pitched a parenting mag and am gonna keep doing so until I start breaking into that market.

But I'm hoping to go back to pitching some more salacious things for The Frisky, like some of my Dealbreakers, and also kindof looking forward to not having to mine my dating life for material every week. I loved the opportunity and would do it again in a heartbeat, but I'm not gonna lie; having a guy you're kindof seeing, or something, read every column, is challenging.

So that's where that's at. As for me visiting my ex, well, I miss him, and this is hopefully my last Bay Area visit for a while. I feel like I know SFO and the two Sephoras there like the back of my hand. I have a lot of mixed feelings about him, us, our breakup, and while I am trying to move on, and doing pretty well, to not see him would be weird, especially given the circumstances of tomorrow's reading. It just feels right.

I am treating myself to a hotel on Sunday, just haven't figured out which one.

To Movie Date or Not to Movie Date?

My latest column is called To Movie Date or Not to Movie Date? I'm pro movie date (you can read about my Slumdog Millionaire date), my interviewees (including the totally awesome Mary Pols) are anti.

Sex in 2009

No, I have not yet had any form of sex in 2009, or anything close (which is totally fine, 2009 is treating me pretty well, and I'm trying to treat myself well too), but over at The Frisky, for my Dating Drama column, I post my 5 New Year's Sex and Dating Resolutions.

I also tackle the question, Does size matter? with a resounding yes in a Dealbreaker piece on the too-big penis. There's already some hot debate in the comments on whether a penis can ever be "too big," so feel free to weigh in.

Am I "The Sluttiest Girl in the Room?"

or the blogosphere? Check out my latest Dating Drama column at The Frisky, "The Sluttiest Girl in the Room"

What’s funny is that I accidentally typed “The Sluttiest Girl in the World” and had that up the whole column and had to go back and change it. Or are there no accidents? Please read/comment/link/Digg/etc. I forgot we can’t curse at The Frisky, but I’m sure you’ll know that was supposed to say “fuck buddies.” I am finding I really like writing about dating and relationships as opposed to sex sex sex. Not to worry, though, I will have some sexiness (I hope) to detail in 2009. And it's not so much about how "slutty" I am compared to other girls, but that feeling of not being able to make a new start. But anyway, read it yourself.

It’s one thing to smile a little to yourself as you stand in a bookstore and run your fingers over the name of someone you’ve bedded or whisper to your friend at a party about your mutual friend who you were once #### buddies with, but it’s another to be constantly reminded that you’ve gotten around.

I don’t regret sleeping with the people that I have (though many I wouldn’t repeat). You learn from bad sex, missed communication, broken hearts, ignoring red flags. But at 33, I’m looking for different stuff from my dates than I was at 23, or even 31. That’s the part that’s hardest to convey to Google. I loved feeling open and carefree enough to say yes to a woman who propositioned me for a threesome via email, or having dirty hotel sex with my porn director friend, or hooking up with a hot Costa Rican stranger in the Atlanta airport when we were both stranded there overnight, but I don’t want those to be the only things someone new remembers about me.

Keep reading

What I Learned from My Last Relationship

My latest Dating Drama column for The Frisky is about What I Learned from My Last Relationship.

What to say about that...not too much really. We talk, a little, and I'm trying to get out and go to old and new social events. Not that easy when I want to stay home and make casseroles (last night's was the tater tot turkey one - yum!) and watch Entourage and read YA novels. Much as I'm glad not to be buried in snow, I kindof wish I were at his family's cabin. They were so welcoming to me and I think that too made me wish I could kindof leap over our issues and join their family, but twas not to be. I think in addition to what I wrote in the column, it taught me that I'm not wedded to NYC. In some ways, I'm limited in that I don't drive and don't have a great desire to start, but I am definitely willing to explore other potential cities. The chances of me getting a job in one...probably slim, but I didn't really get that far. I have a lot to do before I could even possibly get to that point, and that's what I hope to get done this winter, along with, fingers crossed, dating. I feel like there's not all that much control I have over the dating arena of my life so I'm just kindof waiting and seeing.

Oh, and all my stressing over the Oxford thing - I found out that while it's flattering, it wasn't just me they asked, it was Carol Queen, Joani Blank, Susie Bright...who knows who else? So I don't feel quite as bad about rushing off there, plus I would realistically need more than 2 months' notice for that. I am supposed to go to Italy in May for a week to visit my mom before she moves back to the States. I've never been, and I've been dragging my feet about going, but it looks like it's going to happen, though trying to think about that right now gives me a headache. I'm trying to get January, February and March sorted out the best I can, which means finally setting up my 2009 cupcake wall calendar. I may have an iPhone, but I'm still a hard copy calendar user.

I did write a little this weekend, but a very little, and it was slowgoing. I think my erotica-writing days are nearing their end and my brain wants me to focus on what I really am meant to be doing, non-fiction. There's a book project that I know I can sell if I just get off my ass and do the necessary research, but it's scary. It's about bisexuality and it's actually quite fascinating and I have many great interviewees, but then I start to second guess myself, as I do about a lot of things. It goes back to that whole not wanting to be pigeonholed thing, and also unsureness about whether I can do justice to my topic, but I want to try.

All I really seem to write lately are to do lists, endless ones that litter my bags, my floor, every nook and cranny. I look at them, but really I look past them. I know David Allen has a new book out, but I never really got down with Getting Things Done. There's a funny article in the new Wired comparing 3 time management books, but that's for full-time freelancers. It's not even so much time management, when you have a FT job and do other things, as creativity management, balancing the big ideas with having the time to actually work on them, with jotting down notes and reminders but also finding the energy to get to them. Rachel Resnick wrote in her book about hypergrafia, and I was like, will I ever get that compulsion to write, everything else be damned? I am very excited to bid good riddance to 2008, but at the same time, it reminds me of how much I didn't accomplish, and trying to balance starting the new year off right with making amends for the old one, well, sometimes it overwhelms me. But I'm just taking things one day at a time, happy if I can eke out an idea here, a set of interview questions there.

For my next column I actually need interviewees by Saturday - it's about trying to date when you've dated heavily in the other person's social circles. How do you handle that, like dating or hooking up with someone whose friend you've been involved with in the past? Or do you consider your ex's friends off limits? Email me at rachelravenous at gmail.com

Why I'm Happy To Be Single

10 Reasons I'm Happy To Be Single is what my new Dating Drama column for The Frisky is about. And yes, one of them is cause I get to indulge in a little retail therapy.

Remember those gorgeous Objets d'Envy necklaces I told you about? Well, I had been on their site Saturday during the great garlic mac and cheese/peppermint cupcake/gossip session/sleepover that kept me up til 5 a.m. but didn't buy anything, and today I was rewarded by a coupon (holiday20) and free upgrade in shipping! I really can't wait to be all sparkly with them.

I hope that means my necklace will arrive in time to wear with my new dress on Thursday at In The Flesh. If you've been to In The Flesh and liked it, please tell your friends - the winter months are ones when we especially need people.

And I'm still desperate to find someone to tape it, pay is $100 to make 5 videos of 5 readers that basically look like this - two of them I need by Monday morning, the rest can wait til after Christmas - email rachelravenous at gmail.com with some clips if you can do it, Thursday, 8-10 pm, Happy Ending Lounge, 302 Broome Street. Thanks!

We're also booking all sorts of things - you can win our Cupcakes Take the Cake video contest to come to the set of The Martha Stewart Show on January 14th, I'll be doing several Bay Area events, including readings for Best Sex Writing 2008 January 30th at Good Vibrations Berkeley and February 2nd at Booksmith, and I'm teaching erotic writing on February 12th at the 92nd Street Y Tribeca!

Thankfully after Thursday's reading though I get some much-needed downtime. I hope to even go on some dates, but who knows? I also have, oh, a good mountain of books waiting to be read.

So this is what we made from Emily Farris's awesome cookbook ">Casserole Crazy (based on her blog Casserole Crazy):



All I can say is, we were supposed to have some left over for breakfast and between when I went to sleep and woke up, it all got eaten!

Singledom and breakup sex

So, um, I'm single. I pretty much break it down in my new column about breakup sex. Dating Drama, indeed, no? It's complicated, which is still what my Facebook status says (I meant to include that in the column but I forgot).

And sorry (kinda) to be so shameless but...if you like my column, would love it if you'd repost/comment/rate it at The Frisky. I say that both because, yes, it looks good to my editors if people are talking about it, but also because I get so much out of the sharing and commentary, especially at that site. My unprotected sex column was hotly debated and trust me, I read every comment and keep them in mind, and am always on the lookout for future columns and interviewees. One topic I plan to tackle (suggested by a reader) is: Is Sex Better When You're in Love? And there's much more, since I'm writing weekly. Thank you!

A little update on my day...Flew in on the redeye (again, loved Virgin America and wish I could fly them all the time). Was bittersweet in many ways as I would have loved to stay a little longer. Have been kindof in a fog all day, but I had taken the day off and basked in the sun (and wind) a bit. Was nice to just have a day to chill, now I'm off to a wedding. There shall be photos I'm sure.

"Dating Drama"

...is going to be the name of my new column for The Frisky. Trust me, coming up with this (which I did myself, this morning lying in bed) this was way hard. When I wrote for the Voice I just borrowed "Lusty Lady" (which I borrowed from the peep show and book of the same name).

Look for it every Monday (or just look here cause I'll be posting them here).

What should I name my column?

So, my editor at The Frisky, the wonderful Susannah Breslin, wants me to give my new column a title. Any suggestions? I am drawing a giant blank! Comment or write me at rachelravenous at gmail.com

Here are the first three, in case you missed them:

For Some, Flirting is a Sport

Sex Without a Condom

Is He The One?

Flirting for fun or conquest

My new column is up at The Frisky, all about flirting!

My friend Gloria flirts with everyone—even her cat. Seriously. Almost every time I see her she’s cozying up to someone new, even though she isn’t a perpetual dater and doesn’t sleep around. At my birthday dinner a few weeks ago, she asked my friend Sira if he wanted to lick some buttercream frosting off her chest. He busted out his cell phone and said, “Have you seen my boyfriend?” But it didn’t matter to her that he’s gay; she was flirting for the sake of flirting.

Keep reading (and please rate it and comment, if you're so inclined)

And I'd love to hear which sex/dating topics you think I should cover, cause I'll be doing this every Monday for the foreseeable future; you can comment here or email me at rachelravenous at gmail.com

My new column at The Frisky

Yes, I'm a columnist, of a sort, again. It's not a sex column this time (yay!) and is online and I'm really thrilled about it.

I'm going to be writing weekly at The Frisky about dating - mostly on the personal front, with some cultural observations. Please check out my first column, "Is He The One?" and if you like it, please rate it there. Here's the beginning:

Right now, I’m in the most serious relationship I’ve ever been in; as in, even though I live in New York and he lives in San Francisco, we’ve talked about where and when we could live together—and how soon. He’s met my uncle; I’ve gone to his family’s cabin, and I’m joining them for Thanksgiving. His mom sends me emails, and my grandmother sends me clippings urging him to stop smoking. We talk almost every night and end most calls with “I love you.”

There are days when I think we are meant to spend the rest of our lives together, and days when I really have no clue. We started dating when we were both in New York last fall. When he moved back to San Francisco (he was here for school), I didn’t expect anything to come of our little fling, but my feelings kept bringing me back to him. Although I’d sworn I wouldn’t get myself into another long distance relationship (I’ve been in more of those than same city ones), I couldn’t help myself.

Keep reading "Is He The One?" at The Frisky

If you have any suggestions for topics I should write about, email me at rachelravenous at gmail.com with "Frisky" in the subject line.