Spanking is popular as proven by my first sex column of 2015

My January 1st sex column "A good spanking really turns me on" went online a day early, and managed to teach me an important lesson. Lately I've been bursting with ideas for fiction and nonfiction, but less confident about executing them. I get nervous and petrified, and choose to believe the rejections mean I am unfit to write, rather than simply that I need to polish my piece and get it back in circulation and keep on writing and submitting, writing and submitting, repeat every day.



So because I was in a bit of a slump from around my birthday November 10th through the end of the year, I've been doubting myself, especially when it comes to my own words and thoughts. Pieces where I rely on someone else's expertise I can totally handle because they aren't about me. So I cobbled together the spanking column and even though it wasn't "perfect" or what I had hoped it would be, I turned it in lest I turn in nothing and get fired from a magical job that I love.

Well, as tends to happen in my moments of deepest doubt, it turns out that spanking is actually pretty popular, no doubt aided by the stellar choice of a photo. I feel dumb for not knowing this until a few months ago, but I've been told by multiple social media experts that posts with photos do better than posts without them. So thank you, all you spanking lovers who've read and Tweeted and blogged the column, for giving my 2015 a much-needed boost and reminding me that imperfect is okay too. For me, the reality is that a weekly column is a blessing that sometimes feels like a curse. I plan several weeks ahead but sometimes get stuck by my own doubt. I want to cover every possible base and idea and possibility when with only 650 words to work with, you actually have to be very on point and focused and zooming in on your topic. I've got a lot of great pieces lined up, trying to probe many aspects of sexuality, and I'm prepping to start a whole new sex column aimed at a different audience for a publication I'm also honored to work with. Plus other non-sex pieces that I hope to get out there soon, because I always want to have one foot outside the sex world. I'm proud to be a sex columnist and erotica editor and author, but "sex writer" feels a bit too much like "writer who can only write about one topic" to me. So those are my thoughts on this second day of the new year, with the shining blasting through my window, me eavesdropping on the workers drilling outside my bedroom window, and eager to get my brain and words back on track. I wish you many words, spoken, written and read, in the new year.

Jillian Lauren on not making resolutions

One of my favorite people I met in 2010 was Some Girls author Jillian Lauren. Loved her book too. From her blog post "No Resolution":

I resolved years ago to bag the whole resolution thing, because “resolution” is just a fancy term for the never ending lists I keep of all the ways I’m not good enough, thin enough, productive enough, disciplined enough, selfless enough etc etc.

So screw resolutions. Every day is a new beginning and there is no such thing as a new beginning. Tomorrow is not a magical day during which I will suddenly find the inner reserves to keep my yard tidier, finally hang that curtain rod in my kitchen, volunteer at an orphanage in Tibet, write another book, win the attachment parenting award and not eat candy bars at night. Tomorrow is just another chance for me to practice compassion toward myself and the world around me.

When "impossible" isn't just in quotes, but in your head

I blogged about my “Six Impossible Things Before 2012,” my version of New Year’s resolutions, but really ongoing, day-to-day life tasks that normal people seem to have accomplished, like not bouncing checks, that I haven’t mastered yet. I didn't title it that way, but in my head, "impossible" was in quotes, because if I truly believed those tasks were impossible, I wouldn't have set them for myself. They are fucking hard, is what they are, they often seem/feel impossible, but they are not truly impossible. I am so good at dooming myself to the worst case scenario that I forget that some people actually look to themselves to step up and create their own best case scenario, no matter how bad their present one is. I want to be like those people. This is a case where obviously actions speak louder than words; see the last paragraph of my essay, linked below. Do It Anyway indeed.

For my second piece at The Nervous Breakdown, "No Sugar in My Bowl, No $1,000 in My Pocket: The Art of Self-Sabotage," I wrote long (too long perhaps) about what happens when “impossible” is not in quotes, but when you self-sabotage yourself into impossibility. I tend to do it with the big pricey things—law school, big anthologies, while meanwhile, yes, writing for free or cheap, I’m totally there. I have many problems and I’m trying to own up to them and be a better person. Not there yet, but baby steps.

6 impossible things before 2012

I tend to think making resolutions is both arbitrary, when it comes to a new year, and means setting myself up for failure. But, well, it's been a year of some successes and lots of failures, so I have nothing to lose heading into 2011. And really, I think if this year taught me anything it's that I have to just keep moving forward. I never in a million years would've thought I'd get a tattoo, or do a lot of the things I did this year. I traveled probably too much and yet got to do some amazing things, like visit a sunny Minneapolis in March and doing something for the teevee that I hope I can tell you more about soon.

Anyway, I watched a few minutes of the movie version of Alice in Wonderland and it reminded of the "six impossible things before breakfast" line. I usually cut myself off before the thought has even been completed, especially when I have tried and failed and tried and failed, as is the case with several of the things on my list. And maybe there'll be more, but if I get through these before 2012, I have a feeling I'll be a lot more at peace.

1. Finish my novel. That's all I say for the moment, save for that impossible has started to seem like an understatement. Demoralizing, depressing, makes me feel like I have nothing to say and no organizational ability. It's stressful and scary and I need to just get over myself and finish it. Will keep you posted; in the meantime, trust me, don't ask.

2. Make my apartment livable. Or at least, visitable. This means turning an old bedroom into a storage room or office, getting rid of mountains of clothes that were never sorted through during the big personal organizer week in January, and just general culling and tossing and sorting. And probably lots more, but I'll start with that.

3. Lose 25-30 pounds/drop a clothing size. I hate weighing myself and hate the idea of having to resort to that as a measurement, but that and/or being a size six, and keeping at that weight, I'll take. I made a lot of progress earlier this year when I was working out with a trainer, but that's become financially implausible, not to mention I don't feel like walking in the cold during the day, so I need to keep up with the training on my own. Much easier said than done. The number on the scale does matter, but it's also an "I'll know it when I see myself in the mirror" type of thing. All I know is right now? Is not where I want my body to be and is not making me happy and doesn't make me feel sexy. Or rather, I'd feel happier and sexier if I were at my goal weight/size, and I also feel better generally when I'm eating healthier and exercising rather than eating crap, not sleeping (yes, it is 4:47 am as I type, hi insomnia) and being lazy about hitting the gym.

4. Start carrying just one purse out and about on a daily basis, unless there is a special reason I need more shoes/clothes/laptop.

5. Not bounce any checks/have any overdraft fees. I don't even know how many overdraft fees I incurred this year, but at $34 a pop, they are inexcusable, except sometimes, well, my cash flow is not the best. Part of the problem is that when I get a big check, I send a lot to pay off my student loans and the rest goes to, well, life, travel, clothes, expenses. I'm bad at the part where you store X amount away for a rainy day or an emergency, especially when I know more checks are on the way. So I would love 2011 to be the year I start over.

6. Fall in requited, drama-free love. Have, like, a normal relationship that has a future. Perhaps the hardest one of all, at least, the requited part. This is not the time or place to rehash my dating ups and downs of 2010, but there were lots of both and I'm ready to close the door on all of them and start afresh in 2011. Not afresh like finding a whole new cast of characters, but afresh like taking time to focus on the things that are really important, like the above items, and not be quite so hasty in my choices in this area. I don't want to be cynical, but I do want to take a few steps way back because whatever I've been doing? It's not working. And that's okay, it really, really is, as long as I learn from it. I make lots of "resolutions" to myself in this area but they are very easy to break, because the goal seems, ahem, impossible, so why bother with principles? But yes, there actually is a reason: because I care about myself and my goals and values. It's very very easy for me to forget about those when faced with other people's goals/values/ideas but I'd rather find someone who actually shares mine. And if not, well, that'll have to wait til 2012.

I have other goals like, um, be on time about 90% of the time (gotta give myself some leeway here) and certain publications I'd like to write for. And something that I have no control over but will send out into the universe anyway: I would really, really, really like one (or more!) of my books to be picked up for translation. Spanish is the only language I can even approach reading but I'm not picky. It's not even a money thing so much as I think it would be very cool and I've had a few short stories get translated into German and Italian and Japanese and I think especially my latest round of anthologies would work very well in some other countries. So, yes, I hope that happens, universe.

There was a time if you'd told me I wouldn't drink any Diet Coke for 3 years I'd have thought for sure that was impossible. I had some earlier this year and found it totally vile; I couldn't even finish a can. Of course, I've now replaced that with my Starbucks hazelnut coffee habit, but that I justify because I think it makes my brain run faster and it calms me down (even if it's not actually calming my body down, it soothes me, which to me equals "calms me down").

So, well, that's it. These are pretty much either day-to-day tasks and/or long-term goals that I can't exactly monitor by hovering over them, but just have to live them.

Sex in 2009

No, I have not yet had any form of sex in 2009, or anything close (which is totally fine, 2009 is treating me pretty well, and I'm trying to treat myself well too), but over at The Frisky, for my Dating Drama column, I post my 5 New Year's Sex and Dating Resolutions.

I also tackle the question, Does size matter? with a resounding yes in a Dealbreaker piece on the too-big penis. There's already some hot debate in the comments on whether a penis can ever be "too big," so feel free to weigh in.