How I spent Christmas Day

I wrote the following after this opening paragraph on Christmas Day, and, typical for me, didn't just say "it's done" and post it, but let it sit idle. Ironic, considering this post is about the tension in my life between productivity and being a slacker. One of my plans for 2016 is to not do that; to write and publish more often with less overanalyzing. So I will say that I finished the puzzle two days after Christmas, a group effort, and felt immensely satisfied and in awe of the beauty of the photo and the bridge. That kind of determination to sit and focus and get it done is what I need to bring to my work, not tomorrow or next week or next year, but immediately. Today I head home and will spend this week wrapping up my final 2015 bylines and tasks and preparing to start the new year proudly. Friday I will use accounting software for the first time in my life, which feels shameful to admit, but better late than never. I will be working from my mostly bookless office, which the books are all packed up, and maybe that will be a source of comfort, to go back to basics, to work without so many potential distractions for a week or so. I also finished listening to Millennial and it both made me wish, in some ways, that I was a Millennial, with all my adult life ahead of me, and made me realize I need to work on my life in big and small ways so that I know my worth, and value it, like she does. And now, the post...

For some reason, this week spent at my boyfriend's parents' house, full of food and family and gifts and vacation, has been one where I've felt inspired to be productive, which I haven't felt the last few weeks. I've felt frantic and behind and unstable and, frankly, afraid that I wasn't cut out to work for myself. But somewhere along the way from New Jersey to Virginia, that changed. I wrote 5 articles for Salon, blogged a bit, made plans for future articles and essays and book promotions, got chills listening to the Millennial podcast because I recognized so many of my own deep fears about following my artistic dreams, something that still holds me back to this day but that I'm trying to shed. I think that something about being here has made me feel just a little less pressure, even though I have deadlines and pitches I want to get out and all the usual stressful to do list tasks. I worked with editors this week, but I also allowed myself a little break, and am trying not to over schedule my next few weeks because I am packing to move and getting ready to launch my most important anthology that I have such high high hopes for, and then going to Los Angeles and San Francisco to teach workshops and do a reading.

That doesn't come easily for me; I feel like the supreme slacker who won't be able to pay my rent if I am not working all the time, which could mean simply plotting in my head how I will go about earning my next dollar. I have no steady income, and this year, along with some amazing, pinch me opportunities I will always be grateful for, I also saw a newspaper I wrote my first ever weekly column for close, a steady writing contract end, and a lot of ups and downs. Being 40 and determined to become a mom pretty much however I can, no matter what it takes, I feel that lack of stability all the more. So trying to be successful by stepping back feels illogical, scary and wrong, but I also know that for my sanity, I have to cut myself some slack. I have to be more judicious and strategic, to learn from my mentors, from the people whose books and podcasts I admire. I am working on launching some new websites, hopefully webinars if I can figure out how to do it (webinars seem like one of those things people say are "easy," but don't realize that some of us have no clue how to do the most basic internet tasks and are too busy earning a living in other ways to learn). I know I need to do a makeover on my business structure, I just haven't had the time to delineate exactly what I want to change and how to go about that.

Today, while my boyfriend and his dad enjoy cigars I gave them, I'm doing this jigsaw puzzle of the Brooklyn Bridge, one of six puzzles I received this week. I'm thinking about how I want to end the year, how I want to begin the next one, what kind of new home office I want to create when I move in a few weeks, and how I can go after what I want while also forgiving myself if I don't get it all. But for today, this Jewish girl who's celebrating my fourth Christmas with this extra family has one goal: finish this 1,000 piece jigsaw puzzle before I go home on Monday.

Thanks for getting me over halfway to my goal of 40 Dirty Dates reviews for my 40th birthday!

So, I'm 40. Most days I feel more like 14 or 24, possibly early thirties, but in fact, I'm 40. Turns out, being 40 doesn't automatically mean I'm wiser or more knowledgable. I still fuck up. I still get flustered and confused and panicked and all the other things I did in my twenties and thirties. But for the most part, I like it. I've decided to invest in myself, which means I'll be launching three new websites in the new year, and doing live readings across the country and hopefully teaching webinars and other things.



One of my hopes for my 40th birthday and Dirty Dates: Erotic Fantasies for Couples, the book that dubbed on that day, November 10th, is to get to 40 reviews of it on Amazon. So far, the book has 23, and here's a sampling:

"Justine Elyot’s Baby Steps is a story about a new mother who is determined to get her kink back on. Any parent can relate to this story about how relationship dynamics change once a baby comes along. Nik Havert’s The Rabbit Trap is playful and imaginative. Valerie Alexander’s The World in My Pants and D.L. King’s On Location are both super-hot pieces of Femdom."

"What feels unique about "Dirty Dates" is the focus on committed couples exploring kink. That relational background adds a sweet sexiness to many scenes, which I loved. There's also a strong emphasis on consent in these stories - which makes me feel more excited to recommend it to people newer to kink world. For example, there are a lot of sentences like this one, from Emily Bingham's story: "I run one finger along my labia, shocked at how excited I am. I blush as I realize that daydreaming about the events I've agreed to has made such an impression..." Depending on your tastes, the reminders that everything has been "agreed to" can be distracting or quite a turn-on. More than other erotica anthologies I've read, "Dirty Dates" gives a template for how couples can actually explore kink together, which definitely makes it stand out. "

"Slowburn by Morgan Sierra is a femdom story told from the male submissive’s point of view. I don’t think that I’ve read a Femdom story told this way and it was a nice change of pace. It pulled no punches on the muddled and conflicting thoughts that tumbled through his mind while involved in a scene with his mistress.

The World in my Pants by Valerie Alexander gives us another dose of femdom with some juicy public humiliation and dirty alley sex. Of all the stories in the book, this is easily my favorite. All the girls crowding around him in the bathroom and writing on him with their makeup was especially fun to read.

Switch by Mina Murray tells the story of a couple reuniting after he’s been away for work. Blindfolded and handcuffed to the radiator in front of a picture window she comes to the realization that this was her fantasy made real."

So if you've read Dirty Dates or will be soon, whether you bought it on Amazon or not, I'd love if you'd leave a review there (or on Goodreads or Bn.com or anywhere else readers might see it). The review can say anything you want (although on Amazon, it can't have any curses or "dirty" words). It can be one sentence or 100 sentences. If you're stumped, I suggest sharing what your favorite story was and why, or your favorite stories. Or just what the book was like versus what you expected. Thank you for being interested in Dirty Dates in the first place! I was thrilled to have a book come out on my birthday, and while my focus now is on launching Best Women's Erotica of the Year, Volume 1, I'm still keeping an eye on Dirty Dates and happy its reaching readers.

Cupcakes and toner and writing goals and belated sex diaries links

Crazy busy these days but you can always keep up with me at Cupcakes Take the Cake, and on Twitter and Tumblr. If Blogger worked on the iPhone...well, who knows? I'm not holding my breath.

I found cupcakes at Sweet (see below and stay tuned to CTTC for a review) this weekend in Cambridge and Boston. And at Lush, where I got the incredible toner you see below; I guess by now I expect, somewhat, to turn around in a store and see cupcakes but it's still a bit surprising, like they are following me or something. I am normally a take-it-or-leave-it toner girl, but my skin is really dry and this feels super refreshing. One of my will-finally-feel-like-a-real-writer goals is to break into the journal Brevity, where all the cool kids are published. It's, perhaps, a slightly petty goal, but fuck it: I'm petty. Full disclosure. I've also decided that in light of last week's awfulness, I'm gonna write whatever the fuck I want, and if you don't like it, I really don't care. That might sound bitchy but it's either that or carry around so many fears way heavier than my bags will ever be. I'm so over that. I'm also planning to submit to Salon's excellent Mortifying Disclosures section, where Lena Chen wrote "I was the Harvard harlot" and Taffy Brodesser-Akner, who I can't believe I haven't been keeping up with (Google News alert was immediately activated after a search of her, who I remember from back in her Mediabistro days, and her excellent essays, who wrote, "Tales of a recovering blabbermouth."

And I owe you a post highlighting the individual sex diaries, but I'd love for you to click on over and check them out (one is coming today, in lieu of yesterday). Some I personally relate to more than others, but they are always an interesting look at someone's sex life in an unfiltered way that stirs up discussion. Working on them has made me realize how rarely many of us get to have those discussions. I'm lucky in that I have them with my close friends and once in a while with strangers, but I too have plenty of things I feel fearful or ashamed of or confused about regarding my sexuality. I'm excited to return to writing fiction after a way-too-long-lazy-loser hiatus. I feel plenty ashamed about that and am hoping this is a productive week; it better be with two books do and submissions flooding in!

The sex diaries run every Monday and I'm the editor and the info is at the bottom of the diary but if you know a New Yorker bold enough to anonymously document their sex life for a week (and get paid for it), have them email me at sexdiaries at nymag.com with their basic story.

6 impossible things before 2012

I tend to think making resolutions is both arbitrary, when it comes to a new year, and means setting myself up for failure. But, well, it's been a year of some successes and lots of failures, so I have nothing to lose heading into 2011. And really, I think if this year taught me anything it's that I have to just keep moving forward. I never in a million years would've thought I'd get a tattoo, or do a lot of the things I did this year. I traveled probably too much and yet got to do some amazing things, like visit a sunny Minneapolis in March and doing something for the teevee that I hope I can tell you more about soon.

Anyway, I watched a few minutes of the movie version of Alice in Wonderland and it reminded of the "six impossible things before breakfast" line. I usually cut myself off before the thought has even been completed, especially when I have tried and failed and tried and failed, as is the case with several of the things on my list. And maybe there'll be more, but if I get through these before 2012, I have a feeling I'll be a lot more at peace.

1. Finish my novel. That's all I say for the moment, save for that impossible has started to seem like an understatement. Demoralizing, depressing, makes me feel like I have nothing to say and no organizational ability. It's stressful and scary and I need to just get over myself and finish it. Will keep you posted; in the meantime, trust me, don't ask.

2. Make my apartment livable. Or at least, visitable. This means turning an old bedroom into a storage room or office, getting rid of mountains of clothes that were never sorted through during the big personal organizer week in January, and just general culling and tossing and sorting. And probably lots more, but I'll start with that.

3. Lose 25-30 pounds/drop a clothing size. I hate weighing myself and hate the idea of having to resort to that as a measurement, but that and/or being a size six, and keeping at that weight, I'll take. I made a lot of progress earlier this year when I was working out with a trainer, but that's become financially implausible, not to mention I don't feel like walking in the cold during the day, so I need to keep up with the training on my own. Much easier said than done. The number on the scale does matter, but it's also an "I'll know it when I see myself in the mirror" type of thing. All I know is right now? Is not where I want my body to be and is not making me happy and doesn't make me feel sexy. Or rather, I'd feel happier and sexier if I were at my goal weight/size, and I also feel better generally when I'm eating healthier and exercising rather than eating crap, not sleeping (yes, it is 4:47 am as I type, hi insomnia) and being lazy about hitting the gym.

4. Start carrying just one purse out and about on a daily basis, unless there is a special reason I need more shoes/clothes/laptop.

5. Not bounce any checks/have any overdraft fees. I don't even know how many overdraft fees I incurred this year, but at $34 a pop, they are inexcusable, except sometimes, well, my cash flow is not the best. Part of the problem is that when I get a big check, I send a lot to pay off my student loans and the rest goes to, well, life, travel, clothes, expenses. I'm bad at the part where you store X amount away for a rainy day or an emergency, especially when I know more checks are on the way. So I would love 2011 to be the year I start over.

6. Fall in requited, drama-free love. Have, like, a normal relationship that has a future. Perhaps the hardest one of all, at least, the requited part. This is not the time or place to rehash my dating ups and downs of 2010, but there were lots of both and I'm ready to close the door on all of them and start afresh in 2011. Not afresh like finding a whole new cast of characters, but afresh like taking time to focus on the things that are really important, like the above items, and not be quite so hasty in my choices in this area. I don't want to be cynical, but I do want to take a few steps way back because whatever I've been doing? It's not working. And that's okay, it really, really is, as long as I learn from it. I make lots of "resolutions" to myself in this area but they are very easy to break, because the goal seems, ahem, impossible, so why bother with principles? But yes, there actually is a reason: because I care about myself and my goals and values. It's very very easy for me to forget about those when faced with other people's goals/values/ideas but I'd rather find someone who actually shares mine. And if not, well, that'll have to wait til 2012.

I have other goals like, um, be on time about 90% of the time (gotta give myself some leeway here) and certain publications I'd like to write for. And something that I have no control over but will send out into the universe anyway: I would really, really, really like one (or more!) of my books to be picked up for translation. Spanish is the only language I can even approach reading but I'm not picky. It's not even a money thing so much as I think it would be very cool and I've had a few short stories get translated into German and Italian and Japanese and I think especially my latest round of anthologies would work very well in some other countries. So, yes, I hope that happens, universe.

There was a time if you'd told me I wouldn't drink any Diet Coke for 3 years I'd have thought for sure that was impossible. I had some earlier this year and found it totally vile; I couldn't even finish a can. Of course, I've now replaced that with my Starbucks hazelnut coffee habit, but that I justify because I think it makes my brain run faster and it calms me down (even if it's not actually calming my body down, it soothes me, which to me equals "calms me down").

So, well, that's it. These are pretty much either day-to-day tasks and/or long-term goals that I can't exactly monitor by hovering over them, but just have to live them.