Why all I want to do in my new home is get knocked up

While the title of this post is not strictly true, neither is the title of my first piece at The Mid, "I'd Trade My Dream Career for a Baby." More accurate would be the title I submitted it with: "I’m 39 and Sad That I Have Books Instead of Babies" but both are true in their way. If someone said to me, "If you stop ____, you'll get pregnant" and the blank was writing one of my columns or editing anthologies or, ahem, writing extremely oversharing personal essays that probably embarrass my boyfriend, I'd probably do it. After all, nothing else has worked so far, right?

But of course I have career goals, and this year one of mine has been to write for at least 12 new publications in 2015 (I'd love more, if you're an editor who wants to work with me!), an average of one a month. I've done my best to be both a specialist in the fields of sex and dating and erotica, but also a generalist, and am incredibly proud that my new work this year is mainly focused outside of bedroom activities because I have plenty of other interests. So I write about hoarding and Google alerts and libraries. I've got a few others in the works about my life and assorted passions, and for me, writing about an array of topics helps me not get burned out writing about sex and leads me down paths I wouldn't have discovered otherwise.

So no, I'm not only focused on having kids, because I know that certainly won't help, and some of what I've been reading about just how unhealthy stress is on the body, especially for pregnant women, has been quite sobering. That more than anything has made me think hard about how I want to live, how I want to work, what I want my days to look like. The last few weeks have been stress city between moving and money and what's felt like not enough time. The bottom line is that if freelancing isn't a good fit, I will have to find another way to make a living. I don't know yet and won't really know until the fall what the best path is. Some will depend on outside forces, but as a Serenity Prayer devotee, I'm trying to look inside and ask what I'm capable of, what feels right, and what's sustainable vs. what's pie in the sky. I don't know yet, but I do know "dream career" can't mean "work as much as possible, and think about work whenever you're not working." That hasn't been healthy and isn't worth it, and wouldn't be doable with a kid anyway. So I'm pulling back a little and trying to plan a summer that is fun and filled with love and friends and travel and searching and openness.

Not related to any of this, savor for love and enjoying the moment, because they made me smile yesterday, here are some heart shaped scones, which were very good (though I thought they were chocolate chip and they were actually blueberry, so had a little surprise bite the first time):

Happiness is a warm baby

Lunchtime fun starring me and Jessica-Louise, age five and a half months. I hadn't seen her in I think three weeks and she now eats baby food, makes little noises, grabs my fingers and moves them around, and lifts her head up to look at me when I'm holding her. A-DORABLE! Seriously. I told her dad my heart melted when I saw these photos. Also cute: both parents trying to get a perfect photo at our impromptu photo shoot. I predict more very cute kids in their future. Making her laugh and smile is so much fun.

Why Splurge! should be your must-see comedy show

On Friday, I went to Carolyn Castiglia's new comedy show Splurge! at Happy Ending Lounge. And I heard a song by Shayna Ferm that I'd never heard before and am now totally in love with. For all the moms and dads and others who are into babies...

The entire show was hilarious; I laughed so hard I peed, and can't wait til the next one. I was also impressed at how many comedians were in the audience, like Roger Hailes and Seth Herzog. I used to be a very avid fan of the NYC comedy scene and want to get back into it because it feels so freaking good to laugh so hard your face hurts.

Baby for lunch

I mean, I got to hang out with 6-week-old Jessica-Louise yesterday on my lunch hour, and I get to hang out with her and her mom next week too!

Babies for Obama

While there are totally legitimate questions around how much you should indoctrinate your kids regarding politics, this video from the folks at Babble is killing me with baby cuteness.

Baby boxing

Allison sent this to me - so cute! I know, I should just start a baby blog already, right? My friend predicted I'd be knocked up in the next 14 months, and you never know, but I'd, uh, be thrilled if that happened under the right circumstances. Yes, it's true, all I want in life at this point is to be a mommy(blogger). For now, I have, well, this.

Snapshots

I'm so busy this week I barely have time to blog (shocking, I know, and I have interviews to share with you all, but I am working away) so here are some photos.

What you DON'T want to see when you walk into your subway station. I titled this "Raise your hand if you also hate the L train"



With How Not to Date author Judy McGuire (if you missed it, check out my interview with her)



Cupcakes that were sent to me in NYC on Valentine's Day from Newark, Delaware bakery Sweet-N-Sassy Cupcakes. I only ate one, but it was delicious. They have custom wrappers with their name on the side and logo on the bottom!



The face of adorableness, my cousin Adam: (and I did fix the redeye but Flickr doesn't believe me for some reason)



Check out more Adam cuteness in this YouTube video

January events! Derek and Romaine tonight, In The Flesh, Best Sex Writing, Erotic Love Letters

It's a busy month kicking off a busy year, filled with many deadlines and many events...here's what's on tap for January. I'll provide the February recap once these events are over, or you can always check my site's calendar (needs updating at the moment, sorry) or my RSS calendar on the left side of this blog. Lots of travel coming up, about one event per month for the next little while. There's also a Cupcakes Take the Cake Meetup this Saturday at Out of the Kitchen, and an event called Kiss and Tell on January 16th at Arena Studios that I don't have any more info on, but, uh, I'll be there!



Tonight (Thursday, January 10th), despite this evil cold, I'm going on the Derek and Romaine show on Sirius OutQ to talk about Best Sex Writing 2008. I will try not to steer the conversation too far into Romaine mommyland, but I may not be able to help myself. Speaking of which, there were soooo many adorable babies and little kids at the U.S. Embassy on Monday. Yes, obviously I was very jealous but I'm biding my time. 2010 or 2011 maybe? Then I can start becoming a baby factory (I definitely want more than one).

IN THE FLESH EROTIC READING SERIES
BLOGGER SEX NIGHT
THURSDAY, JANUARY 17th at 8 PM
AT HAPPY ENDING LOUNGE, 302 BROOME STREET, NYC
(B/D to Grand, J/M/Z to Bowery, F to Delancey, http://www.happyendinglounge.com)
Admission: Free
Happy Ending Lounge: 212-334-9676

In The Flesh hosts its first all blogger night, with a range of readings from sexual memoir to erotica. With Dashiell (Fleshbot), T.A. Hines (Funky Brown Chick), Nichelle Stephens (nichellenewsletter.typepad.com), Martha Burzynski (Alice Ayers), Allison Bojarski (crossfitnyc.com), Lolita Wolf (lolitawolf.blogspot.com) and Jen Dziura (jenisfamous.com), who will read from the recently released anthology Sex and Candy: 22 Succulent Stories. Hosted by Rachel Kramer Bussel (Lusty Lady blog, editor of Best Sex Writing 2008, Hide and Seek, Sex and Candy). Free candy and cupcakes will be served.

In the Flesh is a monthly reading series hosted at the appropriately named Happy Ending Lounge, and features the city's best erotic writers sharing stories to get you hot and bothered, hosted and curated by acclaimed erotic writer and editor Rachel Kramer Bussel. From erotic poetry to down and dirty smut, these authors get naked on the page and will make you lust after them and their words. Since its debut in October 2005, In the Flesh has featured such authors as Laura Antoniou, Mo Beasley, Lily Burana, Jessica Cutler, Stephen Elliott, Valerie Frankel, Polly Frost, Gael Greene, Andy Horwitz, Debra Hyde, Maxim Jakubowski, Emily Scarlet Kramer of CAKE, Josh Kilmer-Purcell, Edith Layton, Logan Levkoff, Suzanne PortnoySofia Quintero, M.J. Rose, Lauren Sanders, Danyel Smith, Grant Stoddard, Cecilia Tan, Carol Taylor, Dana Vachon, Veronica Vera, Susan Wright, and many others. The series has gotten press attention from the New York Times’s UrbanEye, Escape (Hong Kong), Flavorpill, The L Magazine, New York Magazine, Philadelphia City Paper, Time Out New York, Gothamist, Nerve.com and Wonkette, and has been praised by Dr. Ruth. This is not Amanda Stern’s Happy Ending Reading Series.

Allison Bojarski is ready and waiting to kick your ass and have you pay her for the honor of doing so, at the best damn gym in New York, CrossFit NYC. Allison’s also blogged her way through Brazilian music and dance, cupcakes, the New York food scene, and marathon training. Equal parts sensual hedonist and clean-living advocate, she savors life to its fullest without looking or feeling crappy the next morning.
allisonbojarski.blogspot.com and crossfitnyc.com



Martha Burzynski a writer and photographer. Her work has appeared in The Village Voice, Publisher's News (UK), and online for Gothamist.com, Gawker Media, Mr. Beller's Neighborhood, and TheBlackTable.com. She has written about drinking and bars in the popular Drink Up column for Gothamist, and daydreamed crimes, dead cats, and unsent love letters, among other things, elsewhere. She photographs city life, events, including weddings, and portraits. She has an eponymous portfolio site at marthaburzynski.com and is obsessed with Flickr, too, where she can be found at flickr.com/photos/marthaburzynski.
alice-ayers.livejournal.com



Rachel Kramer Bussel is Senior Editor at Penthouse Variations, conducts interviews for Gothamist.com and Mediabistro.com, and wrote the popular Lusty Lady column for The Village Voice. Her erotic stories have been published in over 100 anthologies, including Best American Erotica 2004 and 2006, and she’s edited numerous anthologies, most recently Best Sex Writing 2008, Hide and Seek, Crossdressing, He’s on Top and She’s on Top. Rachel has also written for AVN, Bust, Cosmo UK, Gothamist, Mediabistro, Metro, New York Post, Punk Planet, San Francisco Chronicle, Time Out New York and Velvetpark.
lustylady.blogspot.com



Dashiell is currently the Associate Editor of Fleshbot, but has been writing in various forms on the internet for nearly eight years. No, that is not his real name, but please don't ask him to explain. He wishes he had something more to say here, but that's pretty much it.
www.fleshbot.com

Jennifer Dziura is a comedian and blogger best known for hosting the Williamsburg Spelling Bee⎯a real, cabaret-style adult spelling bee, as featured in the New York Times. Jennifer tours nationally as a comedian with her one-woman show "What Philosophy Majors Do After College," and recently returned from a
three-week tour entertaining the troops in the Middle East. She has written for McSweeney's, appeared on the Bob & Tom Show, debated professionally for Dewars Scotch, and has sold her eggs to gay men, twice.
jenisfamous.com



T.A. Hines is a writer and blogger who has lived in London, Chicago, Amsterdam, Los Angeles and The Hague. She is a contributing blogger at Nerve.com, host/producer of the Internet radio talk show & podcast Dating Roadkill, and editor/publisher of the blog funkybrownchick.com. She enjoys passionate love affairs with far-away lands and intelligent men. Her writing frequently covers interpersonal relationships (online and offline), sex & dating, contemporary lifestyle, arts & entertainment and travel. She has traveled to more than 15 countries, and she speaks English and Dutch fluently as well as conversational French and Italian. She currently resides in New York City.
funkybrownchick.com



Nichelle Stephens is a blogger, comedy producer of Chicks and Giggles, cupcake enthusiast, freelance publicist and small business accountant. She's semi-broke, but she has the most amazing, wonder-filled friends.
nichellenewsletter.typepad.com



Lolita Wolf describes herself as a poly switch who plays pansexually. She is an activist who defends the rights of S/M practitioners, spreads the word about S/M, and helps the community grow and flourish. Yet, her goal remains "to have fun." Lolita has many specialties including bondage, impact play of all sorts, hot wax, poly relationships, social skills, communication and negotiation, CBT, etc. Lolita has presented workshops for universities and organizations across the country and she has authored two books: CBT In A Nutshell and Spanking. She is an Emeritus Board Member of both the Eulenspiegel Society (TES) and Leather Leadership Conference, former Chair of Lesbian Sex Mafia, an honorary member of GMSMA, and she is active with National Coalition for Sexual Freedom and Leather Pride Night. A six year old Princess who lies about her age, Lolita manages to stir up trouble and get her own way (most of the time). She blogs about relationships, sex and BDSM/Leather as well as life in NYC.
lolitawolf.blogspot.com and LeatherYenta.com





January 22, 7 pm - 9 pm
Best Sex Writing 2008 Book Release Party/Reading
At Rapture Cafe, 200 Avenue A (between 12th and 13th), NYC, FREE
Featuring editor Rachel Kramer Bussel, Rachel Shukert ("Big Mouth Strikes Again: An Oral Report"), Lux Nightmare ("The Pink Ghetto"), Miriam Datskovsky ("Absolut Nude"), and Liz Langley ("Sex and the Single Septuagenarian"). Free cupcakes will be serived, and books will be available for sale and signing.



Sunday, January 27, 8 pm - 10 pm
Love Letter Writing Workshop
$20
U R HOT. Want to express your feelings to your Valentine, but just can’t find the words? Spend the evening with Rachel Kramer Bussel penning romantic notes and sweet nothings for your special someone. Rachel is a novelist, editor, and columnist; editor of more than a dozen erotic anthologies, including "He’s on Top", "She’s on Top", and "Hide and Seek". Pen and paper will be provided, and a handout with suggested readings will be passed out. You will have the oportunity to read your work aloud (but are not required to), and will leave with a letter you could send to a lover (real or imaginary).
Babeland, 43 Mercer Street, NYC
Call 212-966-2120 to register or visit the store

The mamas and the papas

From three of my favorite parents, Romi Lassally and Rebecca Woolf in the first case, Robert Wilder (also see last year's Father's Day cupcake interview with him) in the second. True Mom Confessions will feature Mating in Captivity author Esther Perel (who I wrote about in my Village Voice column "Keeping Married Sex Hot.")

Is infidelity the new black?

More women - and their husbands - are going beyond their own picket fences for love. Are modern marriages surviving, thriving or falling apart?

May 3rd at 2pm pst/5pm est

Stay tuned for details.

Daddy Needs a Drink


Daddy Needs a Drink, the critically acclaimed book of essays that People magazine said “go down like a gin and tonic on a hot summer afternoon,” is now out in paperback! And to celebrate the paperback release, Team Daddy is having a “Daddy Needs Your Stories” Father’s Day Contest. Three winners will receive signed copies of Daddy Needs A Drink mailed to their home (or detention center) just in time for Father’s Day. For details, rules, and a funny picture of RobertWilder and his own father, just check out http://www.robertwilder.com/contest.html

"Baby Love" and Baby Love and baby love

I finally saw my friend Christen Clifford’s play “Baby Love” last night at D Lounge (where I usually go for The Kissing Booth – first one of ’07 is this Saturday!) and even though I knew what it was going to be about, it was still intense and disturbing and startling and amazing. It’s about her trying to get pregnant, then doing so and feeling over-the-top sexual, and then having her son and spending more time focused on him than her husband, and the many feelings that brought up for her. There’s one point at the beginning where (and I didn’t have my pen out at that point so this quote may be slightly off) she says about her husband, just after sex, “At that moment, I loved him so much it hurt.” Wow.

At one point she brought out a Kegelcisor and started lifting it in the air to “Physical” while some people nodding knowingly and some just looked at her in a puzzled way, like, “What? There are muscles in the vagina?”

The play was funnier than I expected it to be, but also really poignant. At one point, she’s giving a blowjob to her husband while reaching behind her to pat her baby back to sleep and then concludes that she’s in the ultimate threesome. She turns the notion of sensual vs. sexual breastfeeding on its head. She taunts us that she has a photo of her perineum post-stitches but doesn’t show it to us. Christen was so lively on stage, dancing and emoting and sounding just as engaged in the material now as when she wrote it. I find it very interesting that it evolved from an essay on Nerve. I think one of the most gasp-worthy moments is this:

He was tentative. "I saw a baby come out of there, " he said. "It's not for fun anymore."

She then said something like she’d be squeamish too if she saw a baby come out of his dick, but still, omg.

I think the show brings up a lot of issues about sex in general and love and children and how those heightened feelings, which I can only imagine, get morphed and confused and crossed, both between mother and child and mother and father and all three. Some of it I probably didn’t want to hear because I know it’s easy for me to romanticize all of it and not really think about the actual practical matters. And I also know that if I ever am lucky enough to have a baby, I’ll have (hopefully) nine months to prepare, but I’m really try to do that work now because I feel like it’s not the preparation of buying crap that I need help with, it’s being a good person, choosing good people to surround myself with, figuring out who I am and what I want out of life and trying to live up to my potential. Sometimes I worry that I’ll be a terrible mom despite my clear desire for kids because I’m not the person I wish I were, and then I tell myself that all I can do is take everything day by day, minute by minute if I need to, the courage to change the things I can and all that.

At the end, she tells us that she’s not trying to discourage anyone from having kids. Which is good because even I got squeamish at a few points, though the best was when she brought out this giant baby photo of Felix. Now, I’ve known Christen since she wasn’t a mom; I saw her do her play “17 Guys I Fucked” while she was hugely pregnant, and then later did her HEAT series at Makor, and then she did In The Flesh. But I don't know her all that well and I'd imagine it'd have been odder if I did.

What’s also interesting is that Rebecca Walker’s forthcoming memoir is called Baby Love: Choosing Motherhood After a Lifetime of Ambivalence. It’s at the top of my “want to read” list and I’ll be interviewing her for Memoirville, but what I found interesting is that Ariel Gore of Hip Mama (who’s pregnant again and taking suggestions for names), wrote this about Walker’s book:

The way the mother in the book is depicted tripped me out--brought up a lot of those old questions about memoir-writing. What is the difference between telling your own truth/holding people accountable for their actions and selling them down the river?

So we'll see once I get my hands on a galley what I think.

Also, speaking of babies, Ani DiFranco gave birth to a baby girl yesterday named Petah.

Baby Donald Lemmon

Congratulations to Asia Carrera on the birth of her adorable son Donald. You can read about Asia giving birth at home with only her 2-year-old daughter Catalina ("Catty") around. Plus photos! But even more precious, Catalina has her own website.

Here's how big of a baby dork I am - I have photos of my friends' babies taped up around my desk, but I even have a newspaper clipping of a baby I don't know, just cause he was yawning and so adorable. Clearly, some part of me is so ready to be a mom. Not, you know, my brain or my bank account, but my heart, definitely.

A new (to me) side of Washington Square Park

Washington Square Park Gate
Originally uploaded by Masto's Girl.

Last night was yet another Friday night with nothing to do. I picked up a book I’m reviewing for BUST and walked up 5th, visiting stores I’ve never been in before and basically touching lots of clothes without buying anything, until I found a gorgeous pair of shoes I simply could not resist. Soon found that retail therapy really does work, then was summoned to babysit for my cousin, who I’ll just call Smush, cause that’s his nickname. He is one of the happiest babies I’ve ever seen, though as soon as mom and dad had gone, he started crying. I was told to let him cry but it was just too much for me after about ten minutes, so I picked him up and we walked around a bit and then, after a little more wailing, he was done.

I crashed there and this morning got to witness him at the happiest I’ve ever seen him—on a swing, but in a park I would never associate with babies: Washington Square Park. Growing up I’d sometimes take the bus in and wander around the Village aimlessly. I didn’t really know where I was going; there was a boy I liked who lived on Bleecker and I always thought I’d run into him. I’d go to Bruno’s Bakery sometimes, just wander around. Then I went to law school right across the street from where the chess players do their thing in the park and lived at 240 Mercer, so was always walking through the park or at least right by it. To me, it was always this hip place, far hipper than I ever felt trudging around with those ridiculously massive legal books for three years. Anyway, I associate Washington Square Park with the arches, with crazy performances in the circle in the middle, with the end of the dyke march, with great people watching, with the chess players. I didn’t, until today, associate it with babies.

Right to the west of the arches, there’s a little gated area. You can’t get in unless you have a child with you. But inside there were the most adorable kids on the swings and playing on the jungle gym. I’d been told about how much Smush loves the swings, but seeing him in action was something else. He’s too young to sit up by himself, so when he’s in the swing, he just leans forward, his little body pressed against the front, looking like he might topple out of it. It’s so funny cause it’s clearly made for bigger kids but he looked SO happy flying through the air, just gurgling and drooling and giving us his little baby smile. The other kids seemed to be getting a kick out of the swings too. Then we just kinda sat there, near another 5-month-old and his dad while both babies stared at each other and nibbled on their toys before dropping them on the ground. I was totally in awe of all of it. One couple had their two-month-old out and it was funny to think of Smush as being “big,” even though I’ve watched him grow so much. I guess I’ll be back at some point, with the Smush, cause I can’t get in alone. I also got to see kids arguing over toys and being whiny, which is good; when they’re so cute and perfect and sweet, it makes my lack of kids all the more prominent in my thoughts. Then I think about the whole scene I read about at In The Flesh and realize there could be worse things than being childless at the moment, like having someone really nauseating’s baby. That was my polite wording for him. Really, I’m over that, although one thing I might advise against is starting a google news alert on people you’ve fucked. It’s not always pretty. So for now I will just drool over (and get drooled on by) the babies so many of my friends are having, and hope that when I finally get my act together and find someone to procreate with, they'll be around to help me navigate things like putting them to bed and and have fun pushing them on park swings.

All baby books, all the time

Okay, not all the time, but this week...

What Do You Do All Day?

Yes, when I'm not writing about spanking or people's prudish hypocrisy, or cupcakes, I am onto my other favorite topic of late: babies. You know, how I want one. So when I met Amy Scheibe at a party last week (and drooled over her baby videos - not literally, don't worry), it was great because I'd already taken her book What Do You Do All Day? out of the library and thankfully found it relatively easily and devoured it. Seriously, it was so funny and fast-paced and just gut-honest about having kids.

I just wrote her an email saying “Write another one!” It was much better than Allison Pearson’s book imo, and did make me cry a tiny bit but just told a really straightup story about a middle-aged mom facing the choices she’s made, the trials and the joys of motherhood and marriage, and the bullshit of it, the competitive mommies and schools and pressures, but she does so in a very human way. It’s stuff I’ve heard and read about (and maybe, someday, will experience myself!) but in a new take on it. I recommend this book to moms and mom wannabes and anyone just looking for a quick, entertaining novel. Also, there was a character who shares the name of one of my best friends.

Here’s a very brief glimpse into the book:

Is my darling thirteen-month-old sleeping through the night? Bite me. It seems that about the same time he does fall into a full sleep, Georgia finishes her nightly trek across the Arabian desert, and though she has a four full sippy cups surrounding her bed, she’s decided that the faucet in my bathroom, which she can’t quite reach, is the only one that makes the water cold enough to extinguish her parch.

Then, yesterday I got two books in the mail on a similar theme written two women in the entertainment industry in LA, Stefanie Wilder-Taylor and Brett Paesel, who I would imagine know each other though I don't know for sure. I started Sippy Cups and am liking it so far. Having just read some Jenny McCarthy books, a lot of it is the same observations in different formats (not exactly the same, but close), but still, I like reading it - perhaps because I am childless for the moment.

Sippy Cups Are Not for Chardonnay

Mommies Who Drink

more smushy adorableness

img_2424
Originally uploaded by BK 10012.

Okay, who is so excited about getting to spend four days on the beach with that little face? I am such a geek about the babies lately, I don't even know what else to say. Yes, I want one, but for now, I will settle for the fact that almost every day a new acquaintance of mine tells me they're knocked up. Be prepared to have your children incredibly spoiled by Auntie Rachel.

here's the thing: baby fever

I got some flak from readers for saying that most pro-choice people love babies. So yes, I know many of you don't, and that's not a requitement, but the thing is-I do. I've become one of those women who instead of letting my eyes fondly travel over some guy's ass or some girl's cleavage, I linger on the babies, some tucked away in their strollers so I can barely see them, some perfectly round and resting against their parent's chest in a snuggly. I practically bumped into one in K-Mart the other day, and I was too close to really stare without being rude. I'm sure the parents know the look on my face, this look of pure jealousy and longing. When I go visit my baby cousin, and he smiles and gurgles and drools, and I get to hold him up in the air and pretend he's an airplane, I am so happy. I love him, but it's not just him-I want to touch all of them. I want to curl up with them and feel their little baby breath on me, touch their super soft feet and let them curl their tiny little fingers around one of my gargantuan ones. All those imperfections I have, both real and imagined, kindof fall away and while I know eventually when I have kids I'm gonna be so worried and overprotective, I know I'm gonna be a good mom.

But, and of course there's a but, while in my fantasy life I'm getting totally fat with child, in my real life, I can't do that right now. If you saw the state of my hellhole of an apartment, you'd understand. "You don't want to be a single parent-it's hard," my mom says, worried I'll get knocked up while she's overseas. I am finally finally getting my life sorted out from the fiasco I created upon moving here in 1996. Yes, I still owe gajillions of dollars, but the numbers are getting lower. The end is maybe almost kindof in sight. But I'm not exactly in an emotional or financial place to have a kid. I wish I were, and really, who knows, a year from know I could be Mama RKB. Probably not but it could happen. For now though, I just pass by umpteen baby stores and widen my eyes and literally feel this yearning inside me. And for a few seconds, before all the potential tragedies and traumas that could befall my child race up to me, before the reality of the situation slaps me in the face and I realize that I'm way too fucked up in the head to have a kid right now, I feel like I could do it. For a few seconds I don't care about the fact that I'm single, have never lived with anyone, don't really have any co-parenting prospects on the horizon. It's selfish, really, even though it seems like it's giving. It's a selfish desire, and I know that I won't truly be ready to be a mom until it comes from an unselfish place. But it's there. And I never believed in all that biological clock bullshit until it just sortof took over, until I started thinking not just about how soft and tiny and adorable my friends' babies are, but about what it would be like to show them things, teach them things, take them to the supermarket, hold their hand and go to the playground, watch them eat a cupcake. I read all these mom books and sometimes they make me cry cause they're so precious.

But all of that in no way makes me any less pro-choice. It's such a ludicrously false binary that's placed on us, as if motherhood should be compulsory or some sort of punishment for the sin of having sex. I say it like it's a joke because it does sound utterly ridiculous to me, yet I know a lot of people believe that. They don't care that that burden is going to fall on the woman, not the man. They don't care that she may be utterly unready to have a child, nor that that child may then have a life of utter awfulness, not least of all because they're not entering the world wanted. Yes, it's more complicated than that, but at its heart, I do believe that those who oppose abortion do not truly care about creating good parents, or supporting the children who are already here. Choice affects all of us, whether we're lucky enough never to have faced an unwanted pregnancy or not.

I was just scrolling through my posts and saw ones of porn stars and one of an adorable baby and then the pro-choice one. It all makes perfect sense to me, and I'm sure to most of you, this concept that, lo and behold, we're each able to make decisions about our own bodies.

adorable burrito babies on flickr

Omg, I know some people have started things like flickrbooty, but at the rate I'm going, I'm gonna have to start flickrbaby!

"burrity baby" search on flickr

Incidentally, I'm also a huge fan of burritos.

Dooce, babies, tzedakah, selfishness and loneliness

I'm not really a regular reader of Dooce. Sometimes Allison sends me particularly cute photos or posts there and, like 500 other some-odd blogs, it's in my bloglines and I peruse it. But cozy on my couch after my spicy Boca chikn patty, I read this post and it brought tears to my eyes. Not tears of...sadness or joy per se, just the kind of tears where they come out because you're alone and don't have another way of exlaiming to yourself, "Wow, that really made me feel something." Maybe tears because I want to someday be the kind of caring, loving, attentive, interested mom Heather shows herself to be in this post. Plus, she's funny:

Your love for yourself, though, hasn’t diminished your love for Elmo one bit. During one sequence of video you saw yourself walking around hugging Elmo to your chest and I think you thought he might be trapped in the television. You threw your body against the screen and pounded it with both of your open palms as if he were being carted away to the gas chamber. FREE ELMO! FREE ELMO! We had to fast forward through that whole sequence so you didn’t have a heart attack...

You often sing your ABC’s and stop after T because the rest of the song doesn’t interest you. I don’t blame you, after T it’s all down hill and one of the last lines of the song? Hello? “Now I know my ABC’s?” Why do you have to point that out when you just SANG THE WHOLE ALPHABET. If people would pay attention they would come to that conclusion ON THEIR OWN.

It's not even the details so much as the fact of parenthood, and realizing that I don't just want some adorable tiny helpless little baby who'll cry and need me to feed and change him or her, but that I want the whole thing, a child who will grow from an infant to a toddler to a real little person, who may be nothing like me, or, even scarier, exactly like me. It's weird the way even contemplating having kids, even years down the road, brings out so many of my insecurities, and then I worry about passing those on, though deep inside, rock bottom, as Ms. Schaefer would say, I know I'll be a good mom. And right now I'm just focusing on being good to myself and being a good person, and putting as much of myself into my writing as I can, into doing what I want to be doing.

So, this isn't totally related to having kids, but in my head it kindof is. I've always kept in touch with my family, and they are scattered all around the tri-state area, some on the West Coast, but the ones I'm closest to are in New Jersey, New York and Connecticut though we mostly keep in touch via phone and email. I've always been close with my grandmother though don't get to see her as often as I'd like. Anyway, I try to do what I can, and it's always amazing how the little things mean so much to them. My grandmother was telling me how her bank had run out of calendars, and when we got off the phone, without even thinking about it, I just went online and found a place that sells Martha's Vineyard (where she grew up) calendars, and ordered one for her. I then forgot about it, but it arrived quite promptly, and she was thrilled. On the other side, my grandfather had been talking about Joan Didion's The Year of Magical Thinking, which I just read, and I wasn't sure if he had it already, but took a chance and sent it, and I know he was very pleased. And those very little gifts made me feel good, just as all my card-sending makes me smile, because I know when I drop them in the mail slot that in a day, or two or three, someone's going to open their mail and get a card from me. It's really as simple as that. I'd do it all the time if I had more money and didn't want to be a pest. Seriously, when I'm dating someone, it's card city for them. I miss that-not just the card sending, but the sentiment behind it. It's why I like bringing cupcakes, it's the exact same thing-I like to feel needed. I like to feel like I'm a good friend, like I have something to offer. It makes me feel like even if I fuck up my own life in all kinds of ways, at least I can do something nice for someone else.

Anyway, I was thinking about this and remembering probably the only lesson I still recall from Hebrew school, about Maimonedes's hierarchy of tzedakah: (check out this site for an interesting etymology and rundown of charity vs. tzedakah)

Jewish tradition considers certain kinds of tzedakah to be more meritorious than others. The Talmud describes these different levels of tzedakah, which Maimonides organizes into a hierarchy. The levels of tzedakah, from the least to the most worthy, are:

Giving begrudgingly;

Giving less than one should but giving it cheerfully;

Giving after being asked;

Giving before being asked;

Giving when one does not know the recipient’s identity, but the recipient knows the identity of the donor;

Giving when one knows the recipient’s identity, but the recipient doesn’t know the donor’s identity;

Giving when neither party knows the other’s identity; and

Enabling the recipient to become self-reliant.

Now, it's not that I feel guilt for giving when I know the person knows who I am, because I recognize that it's totally selfish giving. This kindof goes back to the baby thing. Yes, there are perfectly selfish reasons I want to have a child, but those are not the only reasons. I do see how it is with my baby cousin, how I'm totally taken with him, how all he really has to do is exist and he makes me smile and coo and dote all over him, and I can only imagine what that's like when you're someone's parent - that heart-bursing love times a million, times infinity. But I think, and I hope, that I have something to give back, to counteract the selfishness part. I guess lately I've sortof come to this crossroads with myself where I'm dedicated to this month of being alone, of thinking and writing and all that (and I am going to break it a little for certain events), but I also see how easy it is to get used to being alone. I do really treasure time by myself; I get extremely antsy if I have to be around people 24/7 for extended periods of time. Even a few hours on my own helps me recharge. But there's another kind of alone, too. The kind that I'm starting to realize means that I do strive for something more. It's a very tricky thing to admit, even to myself, because the instant I allow myself to want someone, to want to open up my life, I immediately feel like I'm open up this huge door in my heart, holding up a sign that says "hurt me," and I know all too well how thin of a skin I have. It's much easier to stay away, to just close that door before even a moment of doubt creeps in, especially when you're not sure if you can deal with anything going wrong, ever. And yet, clearly, if I just keep the door sealed shut, I not only won't grow as a person, I cut off the possibility of meeting someone who might not only not hurt me, but might, dare I even say this, love me.

I don't like to be the most cynical person in the room but I feel like slowly this very core, deep-down self-doubt has just settled inside me so that I question whether that's even possible, beyond a fairy tale type "someday I'll fall in love and be rich and have kids" kind of way. I know in part that it's a cycle - if I don't think it will happen, it won't, of course, the logical part of me knows that, but that very tiny part that wants to believe sometimes feels like she's believing in Santa Claus. I've never been good with the abstract, could never read science fiction because I'm just too damn logical. That's why I have trouble with religion too. The concept of faith is hard for me because I want to see results, I want to see and know for sure. So to conceptualize something that I can't even really even start to draw the faintest picture in my mind of? Fairly impossible. "To witness a beginning you could almost understand" is this line from Ida's song "The Morning" and I think I've said this before-I don't know exactly whether that song's about the beginning of a relationship or a human being, but in a way, for me, with neither on the horizon any time soon, they're both as faint and blurry as a mirage, the kind where your eyes keep checking and you move your head and strain your vision one more time to make it out, to see if you can decipher what's happening or whether it really is all smoke and mirrors. The problem is, I'm not in a car where I can race ahead and go check it out; I have to just wait it out like everyone else, and for a girl who's so impatient she has to check to see if the train is coming, that's, well, not an easy thing to do.

more baby cuteness

scrunched
Originally uploaded by rkb2.

Clearly, I'm the one who needs to get knocked up. At the rate I'm going it's going to be, oh, forever, but I can appreciate and buy presents for and dote on all the adorable babies in my life.

Babies

Someone who I totally don't know emailed and asked if I'm thinking about having children. Actually, that's kindof personal, but anyone who's hung out with me at all knows I will always point to the cute babies (hello, Schipol airport!) anywhere, and there are lots of them, especially Sterling, Adriana and Marlena, all of whose photos grace my cubicle walls. Walker, too, though I only have his photo via email. And very very soon (like any day now), I'm gonna have a new cousin, and I get to see my baby cousin Gracie this weekend. So, well, even though it's kindof personal, yes, I plan to have kids, hopefully in my 30s, but, you know, it's Day 1 so give me some time.

your baby really IS cute

GirlyNYC knows I don't lie about cute babies, as we discussed and saw in action at Schiphol.