Sex, Dating and Privacy Online panel today at SXSW!

If you're at SXSW Interactive or know anyone who is, tell them to come to my panel today from 5-6 at the Omni. See you there!

Vote for my SXSW panel, please!

Please do me a HUGE favor and take a small moment to register and vote for my panel and if you're an extra special rockstar, leave a comment. And also please vote for Nichelle Stephens' solo talk "Major Laser Focus: From Dilettants To Polymaths". If we go we will throw another of our fabulous Cupcake Socials in Austin!



Sex, Dating and Privacy Online Post-Weinergate

Format Panel
Organizer Rachel Kramer Bussel – Freelance
Speakers

1. Twanna Hines – Funky Brown Chick
2. Samhita Mukhopadhyay – Feministing
3. Violet Blue – Violet Blue

Description We’re living in an age when even powerful politicians can’t keep track of their digital dating trail. Employers and exes are likely reading your words. How can you write about sex, participate in online dating and social networking sites, and still maintain your privacy? Bloggers and authors Violet Blue (sex author, tech columnist; @violet blue and tinynibbles.com), Rachel Kramer Bussel (Lusty Lady, Best Sex Writing series editor), Twanna A. Hines (Funky Brown Chick®, The Late Sex Show with Twanna Hines), and Samhita Mukhopadhyay (author, Outdated: Why Dating is Ruining Your Love Life, Executive Editor, Feministing.com).
Questions
Answered

1. Should you use your real name for all your online profiles?
2. How can you maintain a professional presence online separate from your personal/private one?
3. How do people who write about sex professionally balance the public/private divide?
4. How can online daters and social media users ensure their anonymity and privacy?
5. How should you handle online trolls or detractors?

Serendipity and writing conferences

I often forget to email my updates to the Backspace mailing list (if you're a writer, do consider joining), but this month, I didn't forget. That led to emailing and then talking with the wonderful Karen Dionne, thriller writer and Backspace organizer, who invited me to speak at the 2010 Backspace Writers Conference which will be held in New York May 28-29, right after BEA. We're still working out what'll happen, I think I'll be moderating a panel on writing sex scenes.

I'm still trying to figure out my SXSW plans - I want to go but would need to be on a panel because I can't afford the conference cost. I'm available to talk about food blogging, dating/sex blogging, media, cupcakes, social networking and blogging...etc. rachelkramerbussel at gmail.com

And in April I go to the AWP Conference in Denver. Lots of travel booking up for 2010, which is always exciting. I love visiting new cities (and cupcakeries) and just seeing someplace new. I also want to go back to Toronto in the fall - that city came closest to being somewhere I could eventually see myself.

The ethics of sex writing, or Monday night's meltdown

Warning: If you don't want to read about my sex life and/or puking, don't keep reading. Seriously.

So on Monday I was at SXSW and got an email from The Frisky editor Amelia asking if she could run my Dealbreaker on The Sexless Guy. I’d sent it a few weeks ago, and had written it pretty soon after my last trip to San Francisco, that didn’t end too well. I’d assumed she didn’t want to use it. I was kindof distracted by the conference and also figured it’d be good to make a little money and get my name back out there. I paused, though, because that heat of the moment urge to share (or, yes, as some might say, overshare) had passed. The act of writing in itself helped; I didn’t feel quite so strongly or emotional about the topic. But I agreed, for various reasons, and then it went up and I blogged about it, sending the link around as I do with any new piece.

And then a few hours later I got an email from my ex. It wasn’t a mean email, it was short and to the point, and basically said the piece was hard for him to read. After I read that, I kindof lost it. I had just been in the panel Sex Lives of the Microfamous, where we were talking about rules we have for writing about other people. As now famously quoted in the New York Times, someone (Kris Krug, according to Nick Douglas) said, “You can blog about me or you can date me, but you can’t do both.”

The thing is, I wasn’t ashamed of what I wrote. It was something that had been on my mind for a while, and it bubbled up from that. It wasn’t just about my ex, but a pattern of men I’d dated, one that clearly had a strong effect on me. But it led me to wonder: Why exactly did I write it? For the $150? To send some passive aggressive message to my ex? To have some kind of final word?

The more I thought about it, the worse I felt, and we hadn’t really been talking much, mostly by my choice, so I didn’t want to call him. As I watched the comments at The Frisky pile up (currently 43), I realized that maybe I wrote it for the same reason I’ve written most of the personal, revealing things I have: to connect with other people. In that sense, my ex was in no way the target audience. If he were, I’d have been able to say some of that directly to him. But what would be the point of that? We were already broken up and we’d discussed this issue between us. It wasn’t about fixing it or rehashing it but more about declaring something for the future that I need out of relationships. I think that is sortof the point of the dealbreaker stories, aside from entertainment; that by trial and error, by seeing traits or behaviors in people we date that we don’t like, we can figure out what we do.

But still. I felt awful about having hurt him, because that wasn’t my intention. It wasn’t really a secret either that I felt that way, and I admire and respect him, and value his opinion of me. It was killing me that maybe I’d squandered any high regard he might have held me in. I tried to convey that to him, but email is not always the best format, and I kindof wished I hadn’t seen his email to me, but I had, and it settled into me, all over, making itself hard to ignore.

We were at this event at Whole Foods, sitting in the sun, mingling with food bloggers and basking in the good weather after the previous day’s chilliness. I ate. A lot. These amazingly delicious mushrooms, some meat and potatoes, a rice ball. I drank the free iced tea and tried to chat but couldn’t really. I went to The Onion party where the sight of more food really grossed me out. I’d eaten too much and just felt out of sorts while everyone was preparing for all kinds of revelry. I went to the Feministing/Pandagon party and was offered a drink, but I at least wisely declined. Then I left and started walking, I wasn’t really sure where. Stopped at the hotel to charge my phone and rub my itchy feet on the carpet.

Then I was in our room, alone, and it all kindof hit me. I was upset because I missed him, especially there. How could I not when I was hanging out with his cousins and our mutual friends, when I kept hearing and seeing things I knew he’d have appreciated? Way back when I booked our joint smoking room, I’d envisioned us going there together, being this geeky blogger/writer couple and having yet another out-of-town adventure.

I really felt like I could not proceed with the night with all that food in my stomach. It was painful and annoying. We’d been joking about it earlier, but I went in the bathroom, knelt in front of the toilet, shoved my fingers in my mouth, and puked. Once, then got up, drank a little water, then again. I can’t even tell you how relieved I felt. Physically, in a way, but mentally. I’ve never gotten high (I’ve tried to smoke pot twice in my 33 years, with an emphasis on tried – it didn’t really work) so I don’t know what that’s like. Drunk, I know. Even that, though, takes a little while. There's a time delay between drinking and feeling drunk, and even if it's short, it's there. You have to wait, and as an impatient sort, I never liked that. But making yourself puke is this instant rush of satisfaction. What you want to do is accomplished, just like that. It doesn’t even hurt, even though it’s gross. For me, there’s a sense of both accomplishment and transgression to it, and I wanted and needed both at that moment. I felt so awful about myself that I needed to do something to myself to prove that.

Anorexia doesn’t have that high of the a-ha moment. It’s a slow, drawn out, neverending thing. You wait to eat, and then wait, and wait some more. You’re always waiting, always hungry, and it has to be this round-the-clock vigilance because you could be good up to hour 23:59 an din that final minute, ruin it all. Making yourself vomit isn’t like that; in fact, it’s the opposite. It’s like saying you can be bad and bad and bad and bad and stuff your face all you want and in moments, undo what you’ve done. Of course that’s extremely seductive; imagine if you could undo all the stupid things you’ve done in mere moments.

It’s not something I make a practice of; maybe I wind up doing it once a year, when I’m feeling like I’m at some sort of crisis point. I fight the urge at other times, take walks, drink seltzer, try to remind myself that tomorrow is another day and I’ll get through whatever the present painful moment is. But sometimes that rush is exactly what I need, in fact, to remind me that I don’t want to be there. I think we all have rock-bottom go-to places that we need, if only as a benchmark to remind us how much we don’t want to settle there. At least, that’s how it is for me.

I felt better, kindof, but still really out of sorts. I kept wandering from party to party but none of them felt right, until I got to Beerland. I walked in and this girl Gillian was belting out “What’s Up” by Four Non Blondes and it was awesome. I’d been Tweeting some of my feelings, because I really couldn’t figure out where to put them or what to do with them, and because we were at SXSW and my friends are constantly connected, when I got there I got at least five hugs and “Are you okay?”s. I got invited back to Minneapolis (for a spanking). I watched my friends kick ass at karaoke. And I felt better. Not perfect, but better.

The thing with the whole dealbreaker piece is that I know it was never meant to be a personal affront. With any of the sexless guys I’ve dated, it was never I don’t want to have sex with you so much as I’m not in the mood. I get that intellectually, but my whole point was that it still feels the same, and for me, I place a lot of value in who I am sexually, in what that kind of connection brings me. Maybe I place too much emphasis on it, but I just know I felt buoyed when I found someone who was the sexless guys’ opposite. Because it’s not just about, well, sex, though it might seem to be. It’s about affection and desire and interest and attraction, which often get conflated. For me, it’s not so much about “doing it” a set amount of times as feeling wanted, which is what I was trying to express.

Orion67 posted a great comment at The Frisky, about his use of anti-depressants and the resulting low libido:

I can tell you from personal experience that finding fault with yourself is not the place to start; I have seen this first hand with my wife. We decided to sit down with each other and discuss the problem and how it affected our relationship. It isn’t a new concept; communication and mutual respect for each other is the cornerstone of a healthy relationship. Before I sound like I am getting on my soapbox, I cannot pretend to know everyone’s issue with this problem; I can only speak for myself.

The first part of our conversation was to differentiate between sex and love. So many of the issues we faced were centered on a false understanding that the two are one and the same. At first she felt I did not find her attractive (which was totally not the case). She disclosed to me that she even had fleeting thoughts of infidelity on my part which I assured her was the farthest thing from the truth. As a result of our discussion, I tell my wife how much I love her and express my affection for her every day. I also let her know how beautiful I think she is.

I think there’s some great discussion going on there, and I’m glad to know I’m not alone in reacting the way I did. I’m almost wrote, “I’m glad I’m not wrong in reacting the way I did” and that’s the thing I told my ex the other day about this; there is no right or wrong. I don’t think there’s any “should”s when it comes to libido or sexual frequency, it’s a matter of your desires being compatible with someone else’s.

We talked the other night for a long time, and I realized I’ve missed him a lot. It would be much much easier in some ways I think to not try to be friends, because I start getting all these “what if” scenarios in my head. What if we could have...? But there are only so many ways that can end, and if this were the only issue between us, I’d say, okay, maybe there’s some kind of way for us to get back together and make things work. That’s not the case though, and I’ve had to make my peace with that.

So to everyone who asked, thanks, I’m okay. Good, in fact. The panel and this experience gave me a lot to think about, about why I write and what I write and the purpose of it. I don’t necessarily have hard and fast rules like everyone else in that room seemed to, but I hope I have a little better sense of the impact my words can have.

Quoted on Gourmet.com!

Emily Farris (of Casserole Crazy fame) wrote about my food blog panel at SXSW for Gourmet.com!

With the advent of companies like FoodBuzz, which advertises on food-related websites, it is possible to turn a passion for writing about food into a money-making venture—which is exactly what Bussel wants to see more of.

“I hope the panel gave people the sense that there’s room in the blogosphere for more food blogs, which I believe is true,” Bussel said. “As long as they are targeted and know exactly what their aim is.”

I'm really pleased with all the feedback I've seen; people have said the panel was very useful, and in turn I've been reading posts about food blogging that are very useful to me. I truly want to take Cupcakes Take the Cake to the next level, starting with the book proposal we're writing now. Then our 10,000th post celebration (we're about 1,700 posts away, so it'll be a while).

Home, not panicking

I'm back in New York, not all that together - just realized I'm an idiot and forgot to secure a bookseller for In The Flesh tomorrow. Worse things have happened, but still, I feel stupid. It'll be a fantastic reading anyway, I can't wait. I mean, one of the authors wrote a book called In The Flesh, that is very, very twisted, in the best possible way.

In happy news, I'm closing in on a hotel for the Do Not Disturb book party. SXSW was fun, crazy, maddening and delicious, pretty much all at once. I saw friends I hadn't seen in ages, met new ones on the sidewalk, stuffed my face (and, well, unstuffed it - more on that later) and survived a mini breakdown. Oh, and moderated a panel.

More pics:


We're so happy to be at SXSW!
Me, Feministing's Samhita Mukhopadhyay and Ann Friedman, and Funky Brown Chick Twanna Hines, photographed by the karaoke sensation George Kelly

Last night, I had the pleasure of having a lovely meal of Mexican food (outdoors!) with Violet Blue and Thomas Roche, two San Francisco writer pals I don't see often enough. Violet took this photo of me after I copied her order and got a beautiful and delicious margarita, my first and only drink of SXSW:

In the midst of absolute chaos, a SXSW photo

I just checked out of the Hilton, now am madly rushing to sign books, then do my panel! Today is absolute and utter chaos, but we did catch the Ur Blog Sux panel, with some humor from Dooce's Heather Armstrong, Ana Marie Cox, and Stuff White People Like's Christian Lander.

Here's me in the lobby of the Hilton with Hugnation founder Halcyon and the lovely Ashley Steel, who are super adorable, individually and together. Last night I was really, really, really down (more on that later) and Ashley was very sweet to me. Read the Hugnation blog and follow them on Twitter.

All the details on my SXSW food blog panel

I'm so so so excited about SXSW! I leave Saturday morning and then return home on a 5:40 am (!!) flight from Austin Wednesday morning. Alamo Drafthouse, Humpday, BBQ, the Hilton, panels galore...

Will be blogging more about my must-sees, but first and foremost is my panel. Also: Cupcakes Take the Cake Cupcake Social 2.0 party Sunday, March 15, 4-6 pm, Tiniest Bar in Texas! FREE CUPCAKES!

My panel! All info also on Upcoming.

Nom Nom Nom: The Secrets of Successful Foodblogging (link to SXSW site)
March 17, 3:30-4:30 pm
SXSW Interactive
Room 18BCD

Learn the secrets of successful foodblogging. What does it take to build a successful food blog? From niche single-food specific blogs like Cupcakes Take the Cake to broader blogs like Midtown Lunch, we'll share the secrets of making readers hungry for more and attracting press and advertisers. Room 18BCD.

Some of the topics we plan to cover are:

Picking a specialty/area of interest
Developing/maintaining your readership
Building community online and offline
Generating advertising and press
Getting a book deal from your food blog

Zach Brooks



Fat man, likes to eat. Sorry, is that not enough? After spending 10 years working in radio at WFNX in Boston, and Indie 103.1 FM in Los Angeles, Zach discovered his true calling while working at Sirius Satellite Radio in New York City's Midtown Manhattan: finding good places to eat lunch. The blog Midtown Lunch was born in May of 2006 partly as a public service to help other office workers find good lunch, but mostly as an excuse for Zach to eat really fattening lunches every day. ("I had to eat at that buffet honey, it was for work!") Overwhelmed by the surprise success of the site (apparently there are a lot of fat people working in Midtown), Zach left Sirius in April of 2008 to work full time on Midtown Lunch, and as a food blog consultant for other companies. He is considering writing a book about how to be a food blogger without becoming morbidly obese; but wouldn't know where to start. Maybe a guide to all-you-can-eat buffets is a better idea.

Addie Broyles



Hailing from the Missouri Ozarks, Addie Broyles expanded her cooking (and eating) skills on the West Coast and Spain before settling in Austin, where she works as the food writer for the Austin American-Statesman and Austin360.com. Since she took on the food beat last year, Broyles has brought the newspaper's food coverage into the 21st century with her blog, Relish Austin (austin360.com/relishaustin), videos, food meet-ups and Twitter (@broylesa), where she befriends complete strangers who happen to like food 140 characters at a time.

Rachel Kramer Bussel



Rachel Kramer Bussel (rachelkramerbussel.com) is the founder and co-editor of food blog Cupcakes Take the Cake (cupcakestakethecake.blogspot.com), an internationally renowned group food blog. Representing the blog, she has appeared on The Martha Stewart Show, and been quoted in The New York Times, USA Today, The Independent (UK), National Post (Canada), the book Stuffed and many other publications. Additional, she is a freelance writer who has contributed to Cosmopolitan, Gothamist, Huffington Post, Newsday, Tango, Time Out New York, The Village Voice, and other publications. Rachel has edited over 20 anthologies, most recently Best Sex Writing 2009, Do Not Disturb, and The Mile High Club, and hosts In The Flesh Reading Series. She lives in New York City.

Cathy Erway



Cathy Erway writes about all things home-cooked on her blog, Not Eating Out in New York. Begun in 2006, it chronicled her two-year restaurant fast, while exploring communal cooking events throughout NYC. She is working on a book based on the blog, to be published by Gotham/Penguin this fall. She writes another blog on "green" living at The Huffington Post, and has written for Brooklyn Based, The L Magazine, Block Magazine, Serious Eats and Culinate. She lives in Brooklyn.

Belated birthday wishes to my favorite Funky Brown Chick

photo by Stacie Joy

I'm too tired to be more coherent, so I will just say that Twanna A. Hines, better known to many as Funky Brown Chick, is one of my favorite people in the world. She's like my sister in crime, and cupcakes, and art, and lateness, and misadventures, and sex, and SXSW, and on and on...seriously. Kindof hard to explain but just try to get in the middle of the two of us when we are having a conversation, or when we are, I don't know, being driven around Atlanta totally lost, and you'll see. It's funny because we have many differences (like babies - I want, she doesn't) but also so many similarities (see above).

Tuesday was her birthday and she went to celebrate her Senator's inauguration! (She lives here now but is a Chicago girl at heart, I think, though I think we now have a pact not to talk about moving out of New York and making the other person sad.)

Happy Birthday Twanna! I shall feed you a cupcake next time I see you.

And if you're going to SXSW Interactive, don't miss her panel, "How to Protect Your Brand Without Being a Jerk!" on Monday, March 16th.

Announcing my SXSW "Nom Nom Nom: The Secrets of Successful Foodblogging" panel

Update: Of course as soon as I posted that, I found out my panel is on Tuesday, March 17th! Don't have a time yet, but will announce when I do...

I still don't have an exact date, but if you're going to SXSW Interactive, you do not want to miss my panel, "Nom Nom Nom: The Secrets of Successful Foodblogging." Yes, there will be free cupcakes from Austin bakeries, but check out my awesomely successful, talented, food porn and hunger pang creating panelists (more on them later). I love that I am so out of the loop I didn't even know Cathy has a book coming out late this year. I truly cannot wait.

I have discovered so many food blogs I'm now following through researching this panel and so many amazing resources that I hope to post more about in the coming months. I am looking forward to learning much from these talented folks! (Tip one: Buy your own domain name. Live and learn.)

Shauna James Ahern of Gluten-Free Girl

Zach Brooks of Midtown Lunch

Kalyn Denny of Kalyn's Kitchen

Cathy Erway of Not Eating Out in New York

Last chance to vote for SXSW panels

Yes, it's true, today (Friday, August 29th) is your last chance to vote for SXSW Interactive 2009 panels. If you haven't voted yet, what are you waiting for?

Here are my picks again (with some updates):

It would be super, super awesome if you like my cupcake blog if you’d log in to the SXSW Panel Picker and vote for my proposed panel “Nom Nom Nom: The Secrets of Successful Foodblogging” and also leave a comment. First you register, then go to the panel URL, then give it 5 stars. (It’s easy, I promise. But if you have a problem, email me at rachelkb at gmail.com and I’ll try to help.) The details are below:

What does it take to build a successful food blog? From niche single-food specific blogs like Cupcakes Take the Cake to broader blogs like Midtown Lunch, we’ll share the secrets of making readers hungry for more and attracting press and advertisers. Free cupcakes.

Tentative panelists include:

Rachel Kramer Bussel (Moderator) of Cupcakes Take the Cake

Nichelle Stephens, Cupcakes Take the Cake

Zach Brooks, Midtown Lunch

Hunter Walker, Editor-at-Large, Digital City (formerly Associate Editor, Gridskipper)

Cathy Erway, Not Eating Out in New York

Also, some other great panels worth your vote:

Touching Me Touching You: How We Feel Technology by Cory Silberberg of About.com

Intimate computing is bringing real touch into the virtual world. But does computer mediated touch change the users, functions, or feelings about technology? We’ll be looking at interactive clothing design, philosophy and teledildonic sex and peer into the future to answer these and other questions about socially acceptable touch, and touch that brings in the money.

Sex Ed Online: How Teens Self Savvy

Creators of popular online teen sexuality content—including the Midwest Teen Sex Show and Scarleteen.com—community educators, scholars and advocates discuss teenagers, sex, and the Internet. Content developers, parents and teens: Bring your questions, fears and hopes. We’ll answer generational quandaries. Sexy prizes for the best questions. With Karen Rayne PhD, Heather Corinna, Nikol Hasler, Kris Gowan PhD.

How to Protect Your Brand Without Being a Jerk! - by Twanna A. Hines of Funky Brown Chick

You’ve already created content and a brand. Now, a copycat is making money pushing a product ridiculously similar to yours. Congratulations! Imitation is flattery. So, why are you pissed off? You’re upset because it’s unfair and, possibly, infringes on your rights. Learn how to protect your creative projects without going overboard…or broke.

- I’ll wait for her official word, but basically, she has created a unique site/brand, and has been dealing with another blogger trying to encroach on her brand by forming a similarly-named site, redesigning it to look a lot like hers, and covering the very same topics she did. When we did our Man and Wife podcast, the sites were confused by Shanda, an example of how easy it is to confuse people when it comes to names and branding online.

That’s Not My Name: Beating Down Online Misogyny by Samhita Mukhopadhyay of Feministing

This panel explores the complex and violent ways that women are treated online, specifically feminists when they speak publicly about politics. Presenting some of the lead feminist voices on the internet we will discuss and share our war stories while offering tips for how to survive the anti-feminist internet.

DIY Empires: Taking Your Online Fanbase Offline

The internet has increased our ability to spread information and ideas — and it’s also made it easier for grassroots organizations to promote, market, and recruit a following. In this panel, the founders of three “DIY Empires” explain how to use the internet’s community building power to create loyal, evangelical followings in the real world. Panelists include Molly Crabapple (founder of Dr. Sketchy’s Anti-Art School), Jenny Hart (Venus colunist and co-founder of The Craft Mafia), Chris Baty (founder of National Novel Writing Month), and Emily Bristow (Austin coordinator of National Novel Writing Month). And moderated by Lux Alptraum of Boinkology/Fleshbot.

Sex Lives of the Microfamous by Rex Sorgatz, with Nick Douglas and Melissa Gira

What kind of person talks about their sex and dating life on the internet? Someone desperate for attention? Or someone who already has lots of it? For the microfamous, having a relationship in public is as much a potential career boost as it as a vulnerability.

Now with a post-breakup update from Rex:

VOTE FOR IT! Seriously, behind all this fameball nonsense, there are serious questions about how breakups work when a micro-micro-micro audience can see it. Everyone has their Facebook status story, or their why-did-I-find-this-out-on-Flickr story. This is interesting stuff! And all the “microfame” aspect means is that a few dozen people can see it.

Bloggers: You’re Fired! by Zoe Margolis of Girl With a One-Track Mind

From anonymously whistle-blowing on your money-grabbing, corrupt colleagues in the Stock Exchange, to taking your employers to court when they fire you for blogging, ‘outed’ British sex-blogger Girl With a One-Track Mind moderates a panel to find out: have bloggers now got the upper hand?

Comics on Handhelds: Taking Webcomics Mobile by Dan Goldman, illustrator of Shooting War

Comics are evolving right off the printed page into an online medium all its own; what do new mobile hardware platforms mean for online/digital comics? Acclaimed webcomics creators discuss what portability means to expanding your readership, creating new business models and exploring new global distribution channels. Did I miss something super-awesome I should know about?

Let me know!

Sex and cupcakes at SXSW Interactive 2009

It would be super, super awesome if you like my cupcake blog if you'd log in to the SXSW Panel Picker and vote for my proposed panel "Nom Nom Nom: The Secrets of Successful Foodblogging" and also leave a comment. First you register, then go to the panel URL, then give it 5 stars. (It's easy, I promise. But if you have a problem, email me at rachelkb at gmail.com and I'll try to help.) The details are below:

What does it take to build a successful food blog? From niche single-food specific blogs like Cupcakes Take the Cake to broader blogs like Midtown Lunch, we’ll share the secrets of making readers hungry for more and attracting press and advertisers. Free cupcakes.

Panelists include (this may change slightly, but hopefully will stay as is):

Rachel Kramer Bussel (Moderator) of Cupcakes Take the Cake

Nichelle Stephens, Cupcakes Take the Cake

Zach Brooks, Midtown Lunch

Hunter Walker, Editor-at-Large, Digital City (formerly Associate Editor, Gridskipper)

Cathy Erway, Not Eating Out in New York

Also, some other great panels worth your vote:

Touching Me Touching You: How We Feel Technology by Cory Silberberg of About.com

Intimate computing is bringing real touch into the virtual world. But does computer mediated touch change the users, functions, or feelings about technology? We'll be looking at interactive clothing design, philosophy and teledildonic sex and peer into the future to answer these and other questions about socially acceptable touch, and touch that brings in the money.

Sex Ed Online: How Teens Self Savvy

Creators of popular online teen sexuality content—including the Midwest Teen Sex Show and Scarleteen.com—community educators, scholars and advocates discuss teenagers, sex, and the Internet. Content developers, parents and teens: Bring your questions, fears and hopes. We'll answer generational quandaries. Sexy prizes for the best questions. With Karen Rayne PhD, Heather Corinna, Nikol Hasler, Kris Gowan PhD.

How to Protect Your Brand Without Being a Jerk! - by Twanna A. Hines of Funky Brown Chick

You've already created content and a brand. Now, a copycat is making money pushing a product ridiculously similar to yours. Congratulations! Imitation is flattery. So, why are you pissed off? You're upset because it's unfair and, possibly, infringes on your rights. Learn how to protect your creative projects without going overboard...or broke. - I'll wait for her official word, but basically, she has created a unique site/brand, and has been dealing with another blogger trying to encroach on her brand by forming a similarly-named site, redesigning it to look a lot like hers, and covering the very same topics she did. When we did our Man and Wife podcast, the sites were confused by Shanda, an example of how easy it is to confuse people when it comes to names and branding online.

That's Not My Name: Beating Down Online Misogyny by Samhita Mukhopadhyay of Feministing

This panel explores the complex and violent ways that women are treated online, specifically feminists when they speak publicly about politics. Presenting some of the lead feminist voices on the internet we will discuss and share our war stories while offering tips for how to survive the anti-feminist internet.

DIY Empires: Taking Your Online Fanbase Offline

The internet has increased our ability to spread information and ideas -- and it's also made it easier for grassroots organizations to promote, market, and recruit a following. In this panel, the founders of three "DIY Empires" explain how to use the internet's community building power to create loyal, evangelical followings in the real world.

Panelists include Molly Crabapple (founder of Dr. Sketchy's Anti-Art School), Jenny Hart (Venus colunist and co-founder of The Craft Mafia), Chris Baty (founder of National Novel Writing Month), and Emily Bristow (Austin coordinator of National Novel Writing Month).

And moderated by Lux Alptraum of Boinkology/Fleshbot.

Sex Lives of the Microfamous by Rex Sorgatz, with Nick Douglas and Melissa Gira

What kind of person talks about their sex and dating life on the internet? Someone desperate for attention? Or someone who already has lots of it? For the microfamous, having a relationship in public is as much a potential career boost as it as a vulnerability.

Bloggers: You're Fired! by Zoe Margolis of Girl With a One-Track Mind

From anonymously whistle-blowing on your money-grabbing, corrupt colleagues in the Stock Exchange, to taking your employers to court when they fire you for blogging, ‘outed’ British sex-blogger Girl With a One-Track Mind moderates a panel to find out: have bloggers now got the upper hand?

Comics on Handhelds: Taking Webcomics Mobile by Dan Goldman, illustrator of Shooting War

Comics are evolving right off the printed page into an online medium all its own; what do new mobile hardware platforms mean for online/digital comics? Acclaimed webcomics creators discuss what portability means to expanding your readership, creating new business models and exploring new global distribution channels.

Did I miss something super-awesome I should know about? Let me know!

Please vote for my SXSWi Foodblogging panel "Nom Nom Nom"

The SXSW Interactive Panel Picker went live yesterday. I would really appreciate it if you'd do me a favor and register and vote for my panel proposal “Nom Nom Nom: The Secrets of Successful Foodblogging.”

(details below). And yes, I know there are dozens, if not hundreds of other worthy panels being proposed by my friends and colleagues. Do your research and check those out too, but, you know, please vote for mine. FREE CUPAKES! (Yes, I am up for bribing, plus I want to sample as many Austin cupcakeries as I can.) And if you can't figure out the Panel Picker system (it's easy, I promise), drop me a line at cupcakestakethecake at yahoo.com and I'll try to help.

Here's the official description:

What does it take to build a successful food blog? From niche single-food specific blogs like Cupcakes Take the Cake to broader blogs like Midtown Lunch, we’ll share the secrets of making readers hungry for more and attracting press and advertisers. Free cupcakes.

Panelists include (this may change slightly, but hopefully will stay as is):

Rachel Kramer Bussel (Moderator) of Cupcakes Take the Cake

Nichelle Stephens, Cupcakes Take the Cake

Zach Brooks, Midtown Lunch

Hunter Walker, Editor-at-Large, Digital City (formerly Associate Editor, Gridskipper)

Cathy Erway, Not Eating Out in New York

Voting closes on August 29th.

I’ve yet to peruse the numerous listings, so if you are pitching a panel I should vote for/know about, please let me know at rachelkb at gmail.com (put SXSW in the subject line). Same goes if you run a unique food blog and are interested in being on the panel; that’s iffy cause right now we have enough people, but there is a chance I may need someone down the road. Thanks!

Major book lust - Cooking Cute

photo via Cooking Cute

from Publishers Marketplace:

NON-FICTION: COOKING
Japanese pop-culture blogger La Carmina's COOKING CUTE, a "kawaii" (think Hello, Kitty) cookbook that brings the recent trend of personified bento boxes to an American palate, to Meg Leder at Perigee, by Lindsay Edgecombe at Levine Greenberg Literary Agency (word).


This is a perfect time to tell you that tomorrow the SXSW Panel Picker goes live, and I will be spamming you like crazy to vote for my food blogger panel (with free cupcakes!) "Nom Nom Nom: The Secrets of Successful Foodblogging." (which, if there's room, I just may ask La Carmina to be on!)

SXSW "Do You Blog on The First Date?" panel podcast online

And clearly, yes, I blog on the first date. Even before that. Though there are fewer first dates of late, and I don't actually always blog them. I just would hate someone I'm dating to try to dictate what I write about me. As for what I write about them, I'm open to adjustment. Click the orange icon below to hear the audio.

You've just had a great night out with a hot prospect. Should you post about it? The answer, for many, is yes and they then ask their friends to weigh in. One recent blog features a woman who is inviting readers to vote on which guy she should lose her virginity to! Why are they doing this and why are we reading it? Is this Dating 2.0? Or Exhibitionism 101?

Moderator: Mikki Halpin
Writer, Freelance Writer

Mikki Halpin  
Writer,  
Freelance Writer



Melanie Boyer  
Dating Blogger,  
Washington City Paper/About Last Night



Rachel Bussel 
Freelance



Emily Listfield  
Writer,  
Redbook Magazine



Alyssa Shelasky 
Glamour

The definitive "Do You Blog on the First Date?" SXSW panel recap and sexual politics redux

The very prolific, detail-oriented, and intelligent Amelia G of Blue Blood attended our "Do You Blog on the First Date?" panel at SXSW and gives what has to be the most exhaustive account of almost everything we covered.

Also, she's hilarious:

At this point in the panel, I apparently passed Forrest Black, who was shooting the presentation, a note which read: “MY BROTHER SHOULD MARRY SHELASKY ONLY HER FACE IS NOT HEART-SHAPED.” (For the non-Luddite savvy, note passing is a sort of low tech Twitter.)

She captures the ambivalent feelings most of us have about blogging about sex and dating. I'm the first to tell you that it's tricky territory that I'm constantly reevaluating. I deleted my whole blog in 2005 because there was too much that was so raw and painful and, I'm sure, hurtful, but it was also how I needed to process that particular breakup. I think I've wised up a little, though I still use it for catharsis, I'm more interested in looking at other people's sex lives than strictly my own, though I always draw from my own experiences.

How much do I heart Sexerati? They continue to give me reasons to swoon over their very intelligent, often amusing, writings about the non-glamorous side of sex. See their latest piece, "How to Have Awkward Sex."

- Dirty talk is always good. Awkward dirty talk is even better. Consider mentioning: your mom, your partner's mom, animals, politics, Ron Jeremy, your grandmother, Twitter, the last time you had a condom break, MySpace, babies, your blog. Works like a charm.

My fellow panelist Melanie Boyer also did not get laid in Austin.

"OK, now, are you still on hiatus?"

"No," I said. "It's not really a self-imposed hiatus so much as it's just that I haven't met anyone I want to date, or sleep with, or anything else. If someone came along that interested me, and I interested him, I wouldn't walk away from it, but I'm not looking either."

And in terms of a one-night stand, I can think of nothing else less sastisyfing or more of a black hole of wasted energy. It just doesn't sound good at all. There's a lot of messy bodily fluids involved in sex. I don't want to get all up in it for nothing, unless we can do it again. And again and again and again, for a long time to come, and get really good at it.

I'm so right there with her in terms of not wanting one-night stands, casual sex, casual anything really. I don't even want casual friendships. I want people in my life who are going to stick around, who don't just want some idealized version of me, but the real me, who will give me their honest opinions even if that involves tough love. I have had plenty of casual sex and there were times in my life I welcomed it but in the last year or two I've just found that I don't want that, it leaves too many hollow spaces, too many gaps, too many voids sex alone can't fill.

I think it's important, though, to differentiate what I'm talking about in my personal life versus the overall goal of sexual freedom, which has to include casual sex if the term's going to mean anything. There are so many subtle and overt ways right now that sexuality in various forms is under attack. I think that we can simultaneously look at how casual sex might not be ideal for some people without denigrating our right to choose it. I feel like we're seeing again and again scolds who warn us of the perils of hookups, who are there to be our supposed big brothers and big sisters when the truth is, a lot of us need to learn from experience. And not everyone will walk away with the same conclusions. I don't regret anything I've done in the past, though am trying to be smarter about dating and sex, to not make assumptions about other people's motivations, to really think about what I want independently of what society or other people are telling me to want.

I keep seeing the same debates on feminist blogs about certain sex acts, and I'm really tempted to write a book called Feminist Sex: An Oxymoron. Maybe someday. I don't think sexual freedom is the be-all and end-all of feminism, but it has to be part of the goal, and not just a narrow definition of sexual freedom. It's easy to argue for it if "freedom" means safe, behind-closed-doors, heterosexual, married penis-in-vagina intercourse. But news flash: lots of people, married, heterosexual people included, don't always have safe, pretty, perfect, penis-in-vagina intercourse. I go back to this example a lot, but when Caitlin Flanagan tosses off that blowjobs are "debasing, uncomfortable, and messy," I do feel the need to defend the act. Not as a feminist act per se, but as the right of men and women to perform it. And now that I revisit her words, I think there's something cock-phobic about it as well. What if she had said that in terms of cunnilingus, it's "more debasing, uncomfortable and messy" than giving a handjob? Would that have been offensive to women? I just think some of these conservative takes on sex need to be examined more thoroughly. On the other hand, do I think all is perfect in the world of teenage sexuality? No. But teenagers and adults alike are not, I don't think, going to curtail their sexual explorations simply because someone older and wiser tells them to, nor should they. I'm not saying that how we conduct ourselves in public and private is apolitical, but I don't think there's a single reading we can give any sex act. It's about the context, the people, and the motivations and yes, I'm going to get more impassioned about the things that I'm personally interested in, but I do believe in sexual freedom broadly defined, not just for women, for everyone.

Panel feedback

I certainly would never, ever want to be one of "America's hottest, and most feared, dates," as my fellow panelists were termed by a Times Online reporter, but...I was on this panel, too. I realize this blog is not all or even all that much about dating but still. Way to be thorough.

I used to worry that, as I told Viviane, "my blog's not slutty enough." But now I don't mind. If this blog were only about my dating life it'd be blank most of the time. I just don't date "recreationally." Either I'm not that into the person from the get-go or...my heart gets involved in a big way. I'm working on being the bigger person, trying to realize that people aren't all good or all bad, so when, say, I see their name in my inbox, I don't want to vomit.

Sure, I may never get asked to be on Howard Stern and may not get some of the big corporate gigs, but that's okay. I find it all a bit surreal anyway, and the mags I want to write for are ones like Babble and Cookie. And Cosmo and Glamour. All in good time, though, all in good time (at least, I hope so!). For now I have plenty on my plate, like, oh, a novel (I have to keep telling myself that I can do it cause it still seems so beyond surreal). Some of it's well-paying, some not so much, but all of it interesting. I actually spent a while this afternoon writing a story and had forgotten that feeling of getting lost in a story, of just letting it take me wherever it was going, of letting go of the pressure to make it perfect. The good thing about submitting to anthologies is that you don't have to. It's a voluntary thing and you're free to flake out on them. Nobody will ever know if you get rejected if you don't tell anyone. But you do have to force yourself when you reach that point of laziness/fear/writer's block, if you want to get the story done, to just work past it. I bailed on a few anthologies I'd wanted to submit to in the last few months, ones I'm 95% sure I could've been accepted into, not because of lack of time but because of procrastination and fear. That worry that what I'm writing is crap, when really, that's for the editor to decide (more on rejections later, because as an editor, I absolutely hate having to reject people's work. So much so that sometimes I don't want to do any more anthologies, but the rewards outweight the ickiness of writing rejections.) I had to learn early on (though am still learning) not to compare myself to other bloggers or writers, to not judge what I want to put out there by what they do. I think I've become a lot more private, a lot more protective of my alone time. I think there are a lot of reasons I'm single, and it's in part because I've chosen it, and in part because I've gone for the UFC fans wrong people over and over again. I'm working on learning from those experiences and being grateful for all the people I do have in my life.

When I said "bring on the sexless marriage," I was of course being facetious (at least in part). I will also throw out there that while I do still resent the fact that Natalie Krinsky got to say goodbye to her readers and I didn't, I would write my Lusty Lady column again in a heartbeat. I would make it a little (or even a lot) less personal and more about other topics, of which I have plenty to discuss. I'll just publicly throw that out there since I've also privately thrown it out there.

Random, like me

Todd Levin is one of the funniest people I know. Sometimes I think he could say anything and make it funny. I love that his work is on a friend of mine's wall. I love that everyone who was there remembers his so-funny-my-face-hurts performances at my last two birthday parties. I love that he was unexpectedly at SXSW and I kept getting these reports on him, even though I'm sad to have missed his dirty storytelling. I love that he writes things like:

I tend to think I am more entrenched in the Internet and online technology than most of my close friends, but at SXSW I sincerely felt like a retarded child who had been given a digital watch for his birthday.

Whether you were there or not, check out his awesome "South by South-BEST" piece at The Morning News.

My favorite part was his made-up but spot-on panels:

“Damn, Girl, I Wish I Were That Scoliosis Brace”: Leaving Comments on Women’s MySpace Profile Pictures and the Art of Seduction

I missed out on the "nuclear tacos" in Austin. I should be scared, but I now see them as a challenge for next year. Who's with me?

I'm gonna start sounding like a broken record, but Rebecca Woolf. Damn. That girl makes me cry. Just so you know, she has two blogs, Girl's Gone Child and Straight from the Bottle.

A review of Hanne Blank's Virgin: An Untouched History, which I look forward to reading. The notes I'd read from her website sounded fascinating, and I quoted Hanne in "The Virgin Non-Suicides" (another column title I didn't write and didn't love, but those near-the-end two columns on virginity are two of my all-time favorites).

"Families, religious authorities, and governments once faced little opposition to the idea that they had a legitimate stake in people's sexual behavior. Now we are increasingly likely to believe that the primary legitimate stakeholder in an individual's sexual life is the individual him- or herself." Our federal government's official recent support for abstinence over contraception troubles Blank, but she takes heart that "perhaps the only thing that is at all clear about this unprecedented legislation of virginity-flavored agitprop is that a politically powerful right wing, faced with the cumulative social change of the last century, has begun to panic in earnest" and that it "may be best understood as a signal of nothing more than a deep-seated terror of change."

See also virginbook.org

Look Both Ways author Jennifer Baumgardner on bisexuality (I've started this but haven't finished it, so will have to save my thoughts for another time, though I suspect I'm not quite so passionate as I once was about labels as I am about getting my own life, personal and professional, sorted out. In other words, I'm not not bi, I just am not as obsessed with sex as I was in my twenties and hence less concerned about what anyone thinks of what I do, or don't do, but that's a bit off the topic.)

Baumgardner credits feminism as a hugely liberating factor in allowing women to consider the option of sapphic love—which she sees, in a way, as a political act. In addition, she focuses on the idea that, as she writes in the intro, “Sexuality isn’t who you sleep with, it’s who you are. It doesn’t change according to who is standing next to you.” That’s a bold notion in a world where lifelong lesbians who fall in love with men inspire eye rolling among their friends, and in which outwardly straight men who enjoy secret gay trysts are shamed into silence. It’s in this way that Look Both Ways tackles yet another bit of bi baggage: invisibility.

at the 8bit party

DSC00863
Originally uploaded by violet.blue.

I have to say that that 8bit party last Saturday (which feels like about three weeks ago) was the best party I went to at SXSW. The sushi at the Nerve party was yummy but the crowd at this one was the most exciting. I'm not quite sure how I only got to chat with Violet there and see her panel and that's it, but next year I am saving a whole box of cupcakes for her. May try to get to SF this fall, I'd love to read at the super successful Writers With Drinks and actually have a conversation for more than five minutes with Violet, Annalee and Charlie, all of whom I think are awesome and who intimidate me only slightly. Not really, but just in the sense that I know they know about all sorts of technical topics that I will just never ever know about. Kindof like the haze I felt I was in at SXSW. Not that I even want to know about every nuance of those topics, but to realize that I don't sometimes makes me a little intimidated, but in this case it's more like...in awe. Yes, in awe.

Anyway, the 8bit party was also where I played Ms. Pacman. There was this sense for me the rest of the weekend of what I was trying to escape, that sense of not being on top of everything, of not being everywhere at once. I am trying to slowly wean myself off the need to go everywhere and do everything and appreciate the quiet too. Considering that I'm getting books sent to me at a rate of about 2-3 per day, some quiet time to actually read them would be good. I think my body is in New York but my brain is still in Austin. Which would be okay if I didn't need it to work on stuff here. Well, BEA is coming up and that is actually my favorite annual event of all time. I think this will be my sixth year in a row. Wow. That kindof boggles my mind. I'm already excited for it.

I think it is now time for me to step away from the computer screen. Clearly, I cannot resist its allure.

The SXSW date that wasn't, and why

So on Saturday I went to the convention center after dropping off my bags, then got all turned around, found Liza, doled out cupcakes, then went to get some lunch. While in the café getting a napkin and fork, this guy started talking to me and asked me out, to go to Alamo Drafthouse, which I’d heard about. I think I was so bowled over by getting asked out, which basically never happens to me, let alone within minutes of being at SXSW, that I got a little too excited. What follows is our almost date plans via text message. Ultimately, Monday night, I was more than happy to hang with my fellow panelists, eat barbecue, go to a movie, then engage in some fabulous girl talk with two awesome chicas. It’s funny, what I typed up below, but I also am glad I didn’t push myself to go. I’m not really interested in random hookups and I was getting the feeling he was much younger than I am. But more than that, I’m working on being content on my own, not so flattered if someone takes a liking to me. I get in big trouble that way, and on vacation is one thing, but back home, if 2007 has taught me anything, it’s that sex is certainly not a cure-all. In fact, super hot sex with someone that only happens once in many ways is worse to me than mediocre sex that only happens once. Seeing what might have been if only circumstances were different…well, sometimes that’s the way things need to be, but I feel like I’m trying to get back to where I was last summer.

I was doing so well and if I think hard, I can remember a time before that fateful Heeb party. Maybe I fell for my ex's charms because I just wanted someone to like me. I know I wasn’t wowed by the trophies, because I actually was repelled by that part. The whole showy nature of that, the way people want to introduce themselves with fancy titles and career achievements and blah blah blah makes me want to run away from them. I want to talk to people, not resumes. I didn’t, and I don’t regret it, but I want to be smarter in the future. I don’t want to be cynical or suspicious or bitter, and beneath all of that around him, I’m sad. I think we could’ve been a great couple, I think there was a lot there that was good and as much as I’ve told myself over the past few months that I made really stupid decisions around him, I didn’t know. Maybe I wanted to believe certain things but I can’t regret that. I have to laugh at how giddy I was in LA, though, how I thought I’d won some brilliant prize when I found out that instead of the way things normally go down, I was the one beating out the other woman. The one who’s probably more brilliant than all of us. I thought that made me so special, I thought if I just did all these things, acted a certain way, tried to be knowledgeable and of his world and immersed in that that he’d appreciate me. And, ha ha, the joke’s on me because now whose world is it? I don’t know anymore and it’s still really, really hard to not be reminded of him by anyone he introduced me to. I hear him talking in my head about this great artist and that great writer and something just doesn't compute. People with souls and people without being bffs, it really is like a brain teaser and I go over and over and over it and it still never makes sense. Maybe it's not supposed to. Or if it is, it's not for me to figure out. I know that, and yet I can't help returning to it again and again, wishing I could go back in time and...what? The worst thoughts I have are about going back in time and just letting everything slide, pretending I didn't see what I saw. I know I couldn't have lived with myself, but still, there is a tiny part of me that wants to erase everything after that and go back and see what might have happened.

And then I come to my senses and see that's just me being lonely and needy and wondering what all the working girls have that I don't. I want to know so maybe I can fix myself, fashion myself into someone better, brighter, whatever. And realizing that it’s not about him per se, but me letting myself into those kinds of situations, not for going there but for opening myself up that much, for seeing things that weren’t there in any way. I think sometimes I want to see the best in people; actually, I always do. I own up to the fact that the values and qualities I admire and try to emulate are ones maybe I go overboard in seeing in other people. And working on myself, working on filling my own voids and not thinking someone else will save me, is much harder work than whatever pseudo girlfriend thing I was trying to be to him. When people say it's good fodder for the novel, yes, in its way, it is. I can't not write about it. But that doesn't make it better, or okay. It's not the same as closure. But it is something. Ah, fiction, I love you too.

All this to say, while I was really flattered, I just wanted to be around real people on my short trip. People who I would bet money on have good hearts. Not perfect ones, but good ones, ones I can learn from. And I did, and I wouldn’t trade that for the momentary high of a date with someone I’ll never see again and can barely understand for anything.

Saturday

Him: I like ur stalkings, 2:36 pm

Me: tx, who is this? 2:39 pm

Him: Its __ __ tha taller white dude with curly hair u met a few hrs ago, 2:42 pm

Me: cool, thank you. I had to go outside cause the weather’s so beautiful, 2:45 pm

Him: Me 2 im ontha roof, 2:54 pm

Me: which roof? I’m in the smoking area. I can give you a cupcake, 3:02 pm

Him: Is that what u call it in NY HEHE JK im bak workn now what floor u on, 3:04 pm

Me: no really. I know a baker here and she dropped off cupcakes to my hotel, 3:06 pm

Him: Okay ima call around 8 after I go home n shower, r they special cupcakes? ϑ 4:01 pm

Me: cool. The last cupcake may be gone but I’ll be around. Am going to a movie now. Later, Rachel, 4:36 pm

Him: Heard 300 suckd, 4:38 pm

Him: What kinda liquor do u drink?, 7:07 pm

Me: diet coke – I don’t really drink. Am at a mexican restaurant now, waiting to get in, 7:10 pm

Him: Kool I just found out I gota get up real early 2marow, but I wna chill with u b4 u leave Austin maybe even end up in ur blog if you play ur cards right :) 8:47 pm

Me: ha. I’m here til Tuesday afternoon, 9:00 pm

Him: Awesome ima send u a txt msg 2marow sweetheart 9:45 pm


Sunday

Him: Hey ther gorgeous, 2:02 pm

Me: hey you – am having a great time. Going to a movie and party later. How’s yr day going?

Him: Ima bout 2 b off ina bit what kinda party, 7:19 pm

Him: Theres a tornado coming better b careful kido, 8:43 pm

Him: We should hang out 2marow nyte cuz I don’t have 2 be at work till 11 on Tuesday, 9:22 pm

Me: ok there’s a party tmro at 7:30 I will get details, 9:30 pm

Monday

Him: Hey ther sexy woman, 4:54 pm

Me: I’m on a panel now, 4:56 pm

Him: Koo call me when u wana chill ima b downtown later, 5:03 pm


Tuesday

Him: 2 bad it would have been a great blog, 12:32 pm