Must read: John DeVore, "How to Deal With Bitterness"

Do feel free to just read John's column, my original point of this post, or skip to the end where I quoted him. My blatherings just popped out. It's 7:35 a.m. and I haven't had my coffee yet, so forgive me.

I always think John DeVore does a great job with his latest Mind of Man column, "How to Get Over Bitterness," and when people ask me, "Why aren't more men writing about sex?" He is someone to look at as an example and inspiration (I published one of his columns in Best Sex Writing 2010 and hope I get that chance again). This one was especially relevant to me, not so much because I'm bitter; I feel lighter and lighter every day, in my feelings toward others but, most especially, myself. I'm the kind of person who needs the very lowest of low moments to recognize what I have to be grateful for and, well, there have been a lot of extremely low moments in the last two years where I couldn't see a way out, a future, I thought I should just give up and I'm not sure what because despite my self-sabotaging efforts I love what I do, but I kept going and amazingly, there were kind people waiting on the other side who believed in me no matter what.

When it comes to relationships I know I'm nowhere near ready for one, and maybe I won't ever be, and I'm okay with that. I have so much growing up to do, remedial adulthood that I never learned, and whereas before I used to just yell at myself about it, in my head, and feel stupid and guilty that I was so "behind" in the game of life, now I'm finally ready to just accept myself where I am, supremely flawed but open, ready, not waiting for the next steps to be given to me or someone else to save me from myself (as if, right?) but ready to take them, with plenty of trail and error. But in the professional realm, I can't go it alone, I do need other people or I'd be, uh, blogging for free (not that there's anything wrong with that!) and not advancing or being able to afford all the things I need to afford. Speaking of which, and I know I've utterly gone off course, for those who want to read about money from a very different perspective, check out the work of Tara Gentile (is it any wonder I'm about to look into ADD medication? I can't seem to stay on one topic. Ha!).

It's a slow process and much of it for me is about recognizing where I've veered off course and trying to correct that, slowly but surely. And, soon, drugs, but that is another post (which is in the works, about mental health care and money and value). I do believe in trying everything that might work until you find something that does. The impatient side of me, which is pretty much 100% of me, hates that so many of the things that help me move forward are simply slow and daily practices. They are meeting, again, remedial adulthood goals, ones that I actually had to type into a list of "2011 goals" like "turn off the light before you go to sleep." And "don't bounce any checks." But again, I'm trying to be lighter on myself, to recognize that while I'm a remedial adult in so many regards, there are other things that come easier to me and I need to value and nurture those. That's why I fell for Priscilla Long's The Writer's Portable Mentor, because she is not just giving writing "tips" but lifelong writing practices, like building your lexicon. I'm not just taken with the idea, I need it for a project I'm working on whose language I'm not immersed in yet. She is not saying, "You're a bad writer," but "you need to grow as a writer and here are some ways you can." I almost always hear the former when I get a rejection, and am trying to be the kind of person who hears the latter, and seizes those opportunities.

So two passages I especially liked from John's column:

The story of your life is not the story of what your heart got, but what your heart didn’t get and how it kept on beating.

and

Recently, I have been afraid and exhausted and wondered if I will ever be in love again. I have laughed at that ridiculous thought, because it doesn’t matter if I’ll ever find love again. Love has tackled me before, many times, and I am thankful for first kisses in the middle of snowy roads and promises that were whispered at midnight, even if they were never kept. What will happen next for me? I have no idea, but I’ll probably blog about it. Life is a minefield: you take a step and there’s an explosion full of fire and smoke. You take another step and there’s another explosion, but this time candy rains down.

I also like that he takes what I guess could be called criticism and answers back, not with bitterness, but with our greatest tool, honesty.

Read the whole thing

Video game lovers: come to Brooklyn for Son of Pong by John DeVore

Can I just say that I love my neighborhood? Because I do. I love that there is so much right outside my door. Like a 24-hour bagel shop (Bagelsmith, I recommend the everything wheat, and the lox) and The Brick Theater, where tonight I'm going to see my friend John DeVore in his one man show "Son of Pong."



You can read more about in his post listing top 5 reasons to attend:

1. I tell a story about video games! My dad was a video game junkie. He would sit in his underwear in front of our TV in the basement, and play for hours. His addiction started with Pong and continued until his death. I hated video games because as a kid, I saw no reward in meaningless toil. If you told me then that I’d grow up to be like him, I would have barfed.

“Son of Pong” is a story about growing up. A story about why people play video games. A story about how the grins of the father shall be visited upon the son. I’ll even tell you how it starts: I’m a grown man dying in an emergency room and the cellphone game “Angry Birds” saves my life.

Get your tickets here. It's also part of video game festival Gameplay, through July 31st, if you didn't read John's post.

Bust reviews Best Sex Writing 2010

Bust reviewed Best Sex Writing 2010 and here's what they had to say:

The third annual edition of Best Sex Writing, edited by notable sex expert Rachel Kramer Bussel, bills itself as a “thinking person’s sex book.” And with essays covering ground from the personal to the historical to the medical (with hardly any writing and bosom-heaving at all) it seems an apt description. In a book about the world’s oldest subject, a few ideas feel fresh, such as John DeVore’s groundbreakingly sexy willingness to admit that model-obsessed male culture has whitewashed the messiness of human desire, and Betty Dodson’s fear that all her feminist sex education has irradiated her erotic life of primal raunch. There’s just a dab here of the overly PC prose that often plagues sex-positive writing with a cringeworthy earnestness, but voices like that of hilariously blunt Diana Joseph, who writes about hearing her son refer to a female peer as a slut, make this collection worth the asking price.



Order Best Sex Writing 2010 from:



Amazon.com



Kindle edition



Cleis Press

Quickies tonight, free cupcakes and very special erotica, be there!

September 4, 7:30-8:30
QUICKIES: SHORT EROTICA
Readers have six minutes to turn you on with erotica and true sex stories. Featuring Jackson West reading Sarah Palin erotica, Melissa Febos reading from her dominatrix memoir Whip Smart, Madlyn March reading from the classic Gail Parent novel Sheila Levine is Dead and Living in New York (see cover below), comedian Kelli Dunham, erotica writer Michelle Robinson, TheFrisky.com columnist John DeVore, and Rocco Ernest Privetera. Hosted by Rachel Kramer Bussel (Bottoms Up, Spanked, The Mile High Club). Free cupcakes from Baked by Melissa.
AT HAPPY ENDING LOUNGE, 302 BROOME STREET, NYC
(B/D to Grand, J/M/Z to Bowery, F to Delancey or F/V to 2nd Avenue, http://www.happyendinglounge.com)
Between Forsyth & Eldridge. Look for the hot pink awning that says "XIE HE Health Club."
Admission: Free, 21+ only
Happy Ending Lounge: 212-334-9676


Madlyn March will read two short scenes from this classic novel by Gail Parent, Sheila Levine is Dead and Living in New York.


plus 100 free cupcakes from Baked by Melissa

Kelli Dunham (www.kellidunham.com) is everyone's favorite ex nun dorky boi-girl comic. She is also the author of four books of humorous nonfiction and a contributor to numerous anthologies. Despite being almost middle-aged, she has never once waited for a bus at Port Authority without being challenged by the truancy police.

Melissa Febos is the author of the memoir Whip Smart, forthcoming from St. Martin’s Press in 2010. Her writing has been featured in The Southeast Review, Redivider, The Rambler, Storyscape Journal, Bitch Magazine, and Smut Magazine, among many others. She co-curates and hosts the Mixer Reading and Music Series at Cake Shop, and teaches at SUNY Purchase College and The Gotham Writers’ Workshop. She holds an MFA from Sarah Lawrence College, and lives in Brooklyn. More information about her can be found at melissafebos.com.

Madlyn March is the pseudonym of a Brooklyn journalist who has had articles published in The New York Post, Self, Time Out New York, Parenting, and AfterEllen, to name but a few. Erotica credits include First-Timers, Spanked, Ultimate Lesbian Erotica 2009, Do Not Disturb, and the e-book Love Notes.

Rocco Ernest Privetera started in NYC ten years ago doing comedy and theater, and now performs adult improv and tells his own ribald storytelling. He plays piano for friends comedy shows, enjoys scandalizing his siblings with filthy web videos and tells stories about the things that fascinate him: food, sex, science, and birds.

Michelle Janine Robinson is the author of three novels being published by Simon & Schuster; Color Me Grey, More Than Meets The Eye and Serial Typical. Michelle's short story "Mi Destino" was included in Zane's New York Times Bestseller Caramel Flava and her short story contribution "The Quiet Room" was the first featured story in the Times Bestseller Succulent: Chocolate Flava II. Michelle has contributed to other anthologies, such as Purple Panties, with the story she wrote titled “Hailey's Orgasmic Splendor” and Honey Flava with the story "The Flow of Qi. "Michelle is also a contributor to the oral sex-themed anthology, Tasting Him, with her story “A Tongue Is Just A Tongue,” edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel.

Jackson West is trying to get over himself and write more fiction. Until then, his non-fiction work and attempts at oversharing can be found on jacksonwest.com, a veritable firehose of online nonsense.

And look what you can win - so appropriately, we'll have a copy of Wicked Quickies to give away!

My favorite hate mail: why I'm like Hitler!

If you ever are stuck for something to read in public, here's a hint: go with the hate mail. It's comedy gold! Seriously.

Saturday night I performed in Williamsburg, Brooklyn, at The Brick Theater for the awesome John DeVore's show Broke. Culturebot taped it and you can catch a little of my banter with John, then me reading about why I'm like Hitler and other fun stuff about who should pay for dates (based on a 2006 Village Voice column I wrote):



The next Broke is May 23rd. Thanks to John for being such a hilarious, fun host and for having me on the show.

This topic comes up all the time.

Witness two recent posts:

Glamour's Smitten blog: "True Dating Confession: My boyfriend and I always split the bill."

Amelia at The Frisky calls going dutch a "dating trend" and shares her recent experience with it.

John DeVore says blowjobs are overrated

John DeVore, a very funny, smart guy who used to cohost the fabulous DeVore and Diana Show on Maxim Sirius Radio.

He writes this column for The Frisky that is so honest about his take on sex and dating and every time I'm like, "I wish more guys could be as open as that." Seriously. It's called Mind of Man and you should read it. (And yes, I write for and link to The Frisky a lot, but I was a reader before I was a writer for them, and I keep going back because they kick ass. The editors are giving their New Year's Resolutions - funnily enough, one is, no more blowjobs - and they just consistently have kickass content that I'm sad I don't have time to read all of.)

Take his latest, Mouth Love is Meh, which I feel the need to quote extensively but you should SO check out the whole thing. Like, how many guys are gonna stand up and say, "I'm not into blowjobs?" Now, this may be hypocritical of me because I have written that such a man is a dealbreaker for me. But I don't think it's hypocritical, because everyone has their preferences and their interests. I was saying that particular stance was a dealbreaker for me. My point here though is that I love John's writing, and if I get the chance to edit another edition of Best Sex Writing, it's going on the shortlist.

It feels good, sure. But not that good. I can’t get off if she’s all the way down there. I need her eyes, her mouth, her words, to really achieve anything that can reasonably be defined as sexual satisfaction. For the record, feeling sexually “satisfied” is very underrated. That deeply comforting post-coital buzz that can only come when one’s appetite is blissfully sated.

Am I the only dude who feels this way? I mean, I think I am. There are plenty of women who dislike men going down on them, which is something I enjoy doing. That might be hypocritical, but it just is. I don’t really have a sweet tooth, but I enjoy making a mean chocolate pecan pie. There are other things I’d rather do with a lover than getting a “knobber.”

I know what you’re thinking. That this is some clever, douche-tastic ploy to get a blow job. Women are aloof and bashful when it comes to their sexual egos, unlike men. Yes, it’s an example of the unfairness of gender politics. Women are embarrassed by their desires; men flaunt them. But women have huge egos when it comes to pleasing their men. I floated my thoughts for this column past a female friend of mine, that I thought blow jobs were overrated, and her half-joking instinctual response was, “Well, I’ll show you.”

Every woman I have dated has come to the table with her own trademarked methods: some of them the result of experience, some of them experiments to be tossed aside or added to their internal, carnal repertoire. It’s hilarious and utterly endearing. They’ve shown off double-fist techniques, road-tested tongue twirls, tried different rhythms. Some ignore the testicles, some are all about them. I knew a chick who sincerely loved to give head. Her choreography was a well-timed ballet of strokes, deep-throating, tickling, and unparalleled tongue acrobatics. You know that trashy trick when a woman ties a cherry stem into a knot with her mouth? This woman could eat a ball of paper and spit out an origami swan.

I am not criticizing motives here. It is good, and it is right to want to please the person you’re hooking up with. I think men have become more aggressive about giving women head because we’re tired of not being able to satisfy you with penetrative sex. We want to get you off. Nothing is hotter in the known universe than being able to give a woman an eyeball-spinning orgasm. I’m not a jerk about receiving; as a pre-game trifle, it can be fun. But I keep returning to the idea that it is strangely impersonal. There’s not enough give and take, back and forth, and the sweaty exchange of human energies is the entire point, the fun of it all.

Keep reading "Mouth Love is Meh"