John DeVore says blowjobs are overrated

John DeVore, a very funny, smart guy who used to cohost the fabulous DeVore and Diana Show on Maxim Sirius Radio.

He writes this column for The Frisky that is so honest about his take on sex and dating and every time I'm like, "I wish more guys could be as open as that." Seriously. It's called Mind of Man and you should read it. (And yes, I write for and link to The Frisky a lot, but I was a reader before I was a writer for them, and I keep going back because they kick ass. The editors are giving their New Year's Resolutions - funnily enough, one is, no more blowjobs - and they just consistently have kickass content that I'm sad I don't have time to read all of.)

Take his latest, Mouth Love is Meh, which I feel the need to quote extensively but you should SO check out the whole thing. Like, how many guys are gonna stand up and say, "I'm not into blowjobs?" Now, this may be hypocritical of me because I have written that such a man is a dealbreaker for me. But I don't think it's hypocritical, because everyone has their preferences and their interests. I was saying that particular stance was a dealbreaker for me. My point here though is that I love John's writing, and if I get the chance to edit another edition of Best Sex Writing, it's going on the shortlist.

It feels good, sure. But not that good. I can’t get off if she’s all the way down there. I need her eyes, her mouth, her words, to really achieve anything that can reasonably be defined as sexual satisfaction. For the record, feeling sexually “satisfied” is very underrated. That deeply comforting post-coital buzz that can only come when one’s appetite is blissfully sated.

Am I the only dude who feels this way? I mean, I think I am. There are plenty of women who dislike men going down on them, which is something I enjoy doing. That might be hypocritical, but it just is. I don’t really have a sweet tooth, but I enjoy making a mean chocolate pecan pie. There are other things I’d rather do with a lover than getting a “knobber.”

I know what you’re thinking. That this is some clever, douche-tastic ploy to get a blow job. Women are aloof and bashful when it comes to their sexual egos, unlike men. Yes, it’s an example of the unfairness of gender politics. Women are embarrassed by their desires; men flaunt them. But women have huge egos when it comes to pleasing their men. I floated my thoughts for this column past a female friend of mine, that I thought blow jobs were overrated, and her half-joking instinctual response was, “Well, I’ll show you.”

Every woman I have dated has come to the table with her own trademarked methods: some of them the result of experience, some of them experiments to be tossed aside or added to their internal, carnal repertoire. It’s hilarious and utterly endearing. They’ve shown off double-fist techniques, road-tested tongue twirls, tried different rhythms. Some ignore the testicles, some are all about them. I knew a chick who sincerely loved to give head. Her choreography was a well-timed ballet of strokes, deep-throating, tickling, and unparalleled tongue acrobatics. You know that trashy trick when a woman ties a cherry stem into a knot with her mouth? This woman could eat a ball of paper and spit out an origami swan.

I am not criticizing motives here. It is good, and it is right to want to please the person you’re hooking up with. I think men have become more aggressive about giving women head because we’re tired of not being able to satisfy you with penetrative sex. We want to get you off. Nothing is hotter in the known universe than being able to give a woman an eyeball-spinning orgasm. I’m not a jerk about receiving; as a pre-game trifle, it can be fun. But I keep returning to the idea that it is strangely impersonal. There’s not enough give and take, back and forth, and the sweaty exchange of human energies is the entire point, the fun of it all.

Keep reading "Mouth Love is Meh"