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Lusty Lady

BLOG OF RACHEL KRAMER BUSSEL
Watch me talk about my debut as an author, Sex & Cupcakes: A Juicy Collection of Essays, in this Q&A with my publisher Thought Catalog Books

Monday, December 30, 2013

Fear and trembling and kinky age Mommy/boy play at Bedpost Confessions

Much catching up in the last two days of the year, so to summarize: I was so scared of doing Bedpost Confessions I put off finalizing what I would read til beyond the last minute. I half hoped the organizers would tell me not to do it, or that I'd be too sick to speak (I got a huge cold upon arriving in Austin but rallied for my writing workshop and Bedpost). I couldn't fathom what had prompted me to want to do it, save for the fact that the three-year-old event was uber-popular and I wanted to be part of the cool kids. I wound up going with my original long draft of my age play essay that was published in Salon and Best Sex Writing 2013, the version I wrote while on vacation in Honolulu only two months after the OkCupid turned age play date happened. If I'd known that reading erotica was permitted, I'd have gone with my strength.

But I got there in time for sound check and was amazed and awed at how welcoming and professional the setup was. These were women who know how to do a reading series right. For a second, I wondered what my fledgling In The Flesh Reading Series could have been if I'd been as committed as they are. The truth is, I almost forgot I used to run a reading series. I think I blocked it out because by the end it was so arduous and I worried I'd lose money each month, plus I was stuck in an easy but demoralizing job where I didn't get a raise the entire seven and a half years and felt like I was stagnating. But in Austin, people thanked me for running In The Flesh, said it inspired them and they remember it fondly, which made me remember it in a new way. It was a fancy stage, with two microphones and multimedia and a huge crowd who laughed where I wasn't expecting laughter, who waited patiently through my fear and shaking. I was humbled and honored and glad I did it, as petrifying as it was. Retelling that story also made me grateful that I'm what feels like a lifetime away from that girl, save for the wanting a baby thing. Clock is ticking so loud I often can't hear anything else. But that era of my life where I was seeking and searching and desperately dating and look for love in the wrongest places I could? It's all faded gently into the background of this new beautiful life where we are almost as different as two people could be, but have still merged our lives and homes together in a way that sometimes makes me pause and wonder how I got so lucky. You can listen to my attempt at storytelling here and subscribe to the Bedpost Confessions podcast on iTunes here.

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