My name in Publishers Weekly, and Mistress Matisse is not a feminist

This is kindof a "I never thought it would happen to me..." story because Publishers Weekly has never reviewed any of my books. I had thought with Dirty Girls, my first book with pre-publication galleys, they would, but they didn't. Guess if that's what I want I've gotta stop with the erotica. Am I bitter? Okay, a little. I hate that erotica, and books by small presses, are so marginalized.

I wish mine sold better, and I wish certain megachain bookstores had erotica sections. I wish a lot of things but can't change them in any way, except as to making decisions about what type of stuff I publish. For now, all I know how to do is erotica, but I do want to branch out, while keeping editing books (and keeping learning how to properly promote and market them). I feel like with every book, it's a huge opportunity to learn how to do it right, do it better, learn what money is well-spent, and what isn't. So I'm in the process of figuring all that out, and seeing where it takes me.

Anyway, Yes Means Yes has not only sold out of its first printing (10,000 copies!!!!) in like 2 months, but just got a starred review in PW. Congratulations Jessica and Jaclyn. There's at least one piece in there on my shortlist for Best Sex Writing 2010. It's really a coup for these editors, but I was happy to see my piece get a mention.



Here's the review (via Jaclyn Friedman's email):

Yes Means Yes! : Visions of Female Sexual Power & A World Without Rape
Jaclyn Friedman and Jessica Valenti. Seal, $15.95 (256p) ISBN 9781580052573
Activists and writers Friedman and Valenti (He's a Stud, She's a Slut) deliver an extraordinary essay compilation focusing on the struggle to stop rape in the U.S. and the importance of sexual identity and ownership. Early on, Thomas MacAulay Millar and Rachel Kramer Bussel explain how the "no means no" concept (sexual consent equals the absence of no) must be rejected in favor of a "yes means yes" mentality: the idea that consent means affirmative participation in the act itself, a broader definition that better protects women while encouraging power over—not fear of—personal sexual identity. Other topics include body image and self-esteem issues as well as incest, the dangers faced by female immigrants and the public perception of rape; in "Trial by Media," Samhita Mukhopadhyay looks at the Duke Lacrosse rape case and finds the media acting in the tradition of slavery by commodifying the young, female African-American body. Though surprisingly entertaining throughout, with no shortage of wit or humor, unexpected topics (Friedman on enjoying sex, transsexual writer Julia Serano on the mixed cultural messages that lead "nice guys" to sexual aggression) keep the book dynamic. Sure to empower and inform, this is an important and inspiring read for assault survivors, educators, activists, experts and those on a path to self discovery. (Starred)

I was intrigued by Mistress Morgana's post about her not being a feminist, and thankful for it. It reminded me to live up to what I believe in, which is to be as broad-minded as possible. I hate the idea of only writing "to" or "for" others who identify as feminist, and I think it's obnoxious, condescending and disturbing to assume that other people, especially women, somehow, in some essentialist way "are" feminists just because they...[insert supposedly feminist action or belief]

I quoted Mistress Matisse because her column said what I was trying to say, but so much more eloquently. Here's part of her post:


People ask me, "Are you a feminist?" And I usually say something like, "Do you think I am?"

Sometimes they say, "Oh yes, definitely!"

And I smile and say "All right then, I am."

Sometimes they say "No! Women like you are antithetical to feminism."

And I shrug and say, "Then we don't have anything else to talk about, do we?"

It's a way of identifying and can't be placed onto someone. Also, um, news flash: feminists and non-feminists can, and often do, agree on lots of things. A super simplistic way of saying it from my addled almost-flu-ed out mind, but I wanted to say it. I would never want to be thought of as foisting my views on anyone else and honestly don't really care whether any given person identifies as a feminist. I think sometimes so much wasted time and effort is spent trying to get people to simply say the word, rather than focusing on what we do agree on. I need to reread my copy of Paula Kamen's excellent book Feminist Fatale for more on that.

Yes Means Yes reading on Wednesday

The most important (to me) reading I'm doing this week, is, of course, the one with the free cupcakes on Thursday from 8-10 (though cupcakes tend to go fast we will have plenty of other snacks, plus a great lineup) at In The Flesh Reading Series but I'm also doing a reading on Wednesday, January 14th for the new Seal Press anthology Yes Means Yes: Visions of Female Sexual Power and an End to Rape, edited by Jaclyn Friedman and Jessica Valenti.

Left Bank Books book buyer Sarah apparently loved it, I took this the other night:



I haven't read it all yet so can't fully speak to the content, and to be honest probably can't separate my extremely rough time writing my essay about consent from the book. Suffice it to say, it was harrowing so I'm just glad that the powers that be accepted it. I'm proud of myself for finishing it. There are some amazing authors in the book who make it well worth checking out - Toni Amato, Javacia Harris, Samhita Mukhopadhyay. There is also a reading I'm not part of on Monday at Bluestockings at 7 p.m., and there's also, of course, a blog for the book for more information.

And author Stacey May Fowles had an excerpt from her essay, "The Fantasy of Acceptable 'Non-Consent': Why the Female Sexual Submissive Scares Us (and Why She Shouldn't)" published on Alternet a few weeks ago, which I thought was excellent:

Feminist pornographic depictions of women being dominated for pleasure are often those involving other women -- that's a safe explicit image, because the idea of a male inflicting pain on a consenting woman is just too hard for many people to stomach. For many viewers it hits too close to home -- the idea of a female submissive's consensual exchange of her authority to make decisions (temporarily or long-term) for a dominant's agreement to make decisions for her just doesn't sit well with the feminist community.

It's important to point out that, however you attempt to excuse it, this inability to accept BDSM into the feminist dialogue is really just a form of kinkophobia, a widely accepted prejudice against the practice of power-exchange sex. Patrick Califia, writer and advocate of BDSM pornography and practice, wisely states that "internalized kinkophobia is the unique sense of shame that many, if not most, sadomasochists feel about their participation in a deviant society." This hatred of self can be particularly strong among feminist submissives, when an entire community that they identify with either dismisses their desires or pegs them as unwitting victims.

And by the way, yes, I am indeed working on being more confident. This is not a confidence issue, it's just that when the process of creating writing is so trying for various reasons (I just remember crying at The Chambers Hotel and not being able to stop), in my head, the outcome really doesn't matter. The difficulty rested with me, and writing this piece was different from other pieces where I'd come up with an idea from scratch, but I wanted to rise to the challenge after flaking on some excellent anthologies and promising myself never to do that again.

But I'm not gonna lie about how awesome my essay is, cause I don't think it is. It's done, is how I see it in my head. I worked under the constraints I had, and somehow eked it out, which is much much much more than I can say for my general writing of late. To me, that is the achievement on a personal level, that is what matters, that it got done. I'm learning that sometimes it's really not about how good or bad a piece of writing is, but whether you can get it done, because once it's done, it can be finagled and edited and tweaked. If it's never done, well...welcome to my world/life.

I tend not to reread my published work, perhaps a poor decision, and obviously at live readings I have to, but I'm always going to be infinitely more interested in the next thing I write than the thing I already have.

All that being said, please come to KGB and Happy Ending this week! At the very least, on Thursday I will feed you.