Open Salon Editor's Pick: "I Don't Always Use Birth Control"

I decided to start adding some selected essays, a few I'd already posted here and hopefully one-two new ones a week, at Open Salon. Here's the first original one, a commentary on birth control, judgment, xoJane and Cat Marnell and more, and I'd love it if you'd check it out (also anyone can blog/write at Open Salon, and Salon often picks up pieces from there for big Salon and does Open Calls, and there are some fascinating essays there, like "Sunday Night Games: Erotic Scrabble" and "Google-Stalking At Its Best"). I have lots of other pieces, short and long, fiction and non-fiction, in the works too! Think good thoughts, both that I get them done and that editors like them. In the meantime, I'm trying to push myself to actually finish writing, as opposed to having it sit half-done, waiting for me to deem it "perfect."

And if you want to comment, please do so at Open Salon! Thank you.

"My Tiny Hypocrisy: I Don't Always Use Birth Control"

5 Things I've Given Up Since Becoming Self-Employed

My next post will be about 5 things I've continued to invest in, that are worth it to me in this age of belt-tightening, but here are 5 things I've given up since becoming self-employed:

Therapy: One of the first people I contacted was my therapist, to cancel that week's upcoming appointment, and all subsequent ones. I was barely affording the out of pocket $150/week as it was, but I was loath to find someone in my insurance's network because I clicked with my therapist and had already shared and been through so much with her. The idea of starting over was daunting to the point of not being worth it. Funnily enough, I knew I'd be seeing family members and others I'd discussed in therapy for a while, and it felt like an opportunity to learn how to be a grownup, to learn how to handle possible adversity with grace, and I think I did, to the best of my abilities. It will take a little getting used to, and I in all likelihood will return when I am able, but I think I'm making pretty good strides on my own, which is an accomplishment for me in and of itself. This also means, unless I find I can't function without them, giving up the Ritalin I'd been using, since I can't afford another pricey doctor visit. It's possible I could find someone using whatever insurance I now have, but I am terrible with all forms of paperwork and don't think I'd have the time or energy at the moment to wade through that. I still have some Wellbutrin left and am hoping it's not a giant hassle to get more. If it is, I would consider springing for a doctor visit since I do need that to keep me earning money by writing and editing and generally getting out of bed.

Personal training: I had a few more training sessions left that I'd purchased from New York Sports Club, with a trainer I've enjoyed but I wasn't sure I'd continue with anyway. I've found that for me, measuring my BMI only leads me to either become obsessive and depressed about its numbers, neither of which help encourage me in a healthy way to eat more wholesomely or exercise further. I simply cannot afford the indulgence of pricey training, though I am thinking of looking into working out in a park with some friends who recommend the classes there. I do like the individual attention, but have found an inner resource of discipline I didn't have before, and have been running more consistently, in part to get my money's worth out of my gym membership, and in part to relieve stress and tension.

Travel (mostly): I love traveling; it's what keeps me sane when NYC gets to be too much for me, which is all the time, and gives me a chance to see old friends, make new ones, discover deliciousness like Sweet Iron Waffles in Seattle, and contemplate whether I could actually live in whatever city I'm visiting. I find that I see more art and explore more and just look around in a different way when I'm out of my home environment. I would still like to go to Iceland and Korea in 2012, in addition to our Cupcake Cruise to Bermuda, but for now those plans are on hold. I already have a ticket to Scottsdale for two weeks from now, and I'm hoping to still go to Portland, Maine, since it's cheap and I could use a little escape, and my uncle may get me a ticket to LA for Thanksgiving, but other than that, I'm using this extended time at home to work on clearing out my home. Perhaps if it was more livable of a space I wouldn't feel the desire to travel so much; or maybe it'll be a way to incorporate writing into my traveling and find a way to sell stories and thus support my travel habit. I'm not ruling out travel entirely but I feel extremely foolish for having, say, gone to London this year and wasted oodles of money, supposedly in the name of readings but I handled that extremely poorly. I know I cannot afford to fly anywhere just for readings or book events, because my money would be much, much better spent on promotions that reach more people. I will have to see if I can afford to visit the Bay Area as I'd planned in the spring to meet with my publishers in person and do some events, but it will have to be much more considered than my previous wasteful, haphazard arrangements.

Theater: Save for a ticket I had already bought, I'm forgoing the membership I was going to buy to The Rattlestick (mainly because I want to see Jesse Eisenberg's Asuncion, but also because I like being exposed to things I wouldn't otherwise see because I've committed to them, even when it turns out, like at Second Stage this last season, I'm not overly impressed). I do still want to continue trying to go to at least one theater show per month (hopefully going to The Lyons with my mom as a birthday present next month, but we're aiming for rush tickets), but I can't afford to pay more than $25/show. Hopefully if my finances improve this will change, as I've been lucky enough to see shows at Berkeley Rep, Seattle Rep, ACT, Rattlestick, The Public Theater, Second Stage (both theaters) and perhaps somewhere I'm forgetting this year. I love that New York has so much free and cheap comedy and other entertainment

Birth control: I know this is a hot topic this week, and will probably address is separately, but my new financial circumstances solidified my decision to forgo wasting $50/month on birth control. Why "wasting?" Well, on the rare occasion I might be having possibly procreative sex these days, I plan to use condoms. I had already decided to go off NuvaRing; my doctor said if I don't need the hormones, there's no point in adding them to my body. I did like the regulation of my period NuvaRing provided, and the added backup, and in the crazy wackadoo chance I wind up engaging in ongoing sexual activity where this might be an issue, I could conceivably (ha!) afford the $50 a month, but I'd really rather not. And while some argue that a manfriend should pay for birth control, I don't think I'd feel comfortable with that. Condoms, yes, but my birth control, not so much.

Back Up Your Birth Control Day blogging

I'm blogging this as part of the Day of Action around the Back Up Your Birth Control Campaign.

I’ve had various moments in my life where I could have used e.c. (emergency contraception), but a few are more crystal-clear than others. There was a time in early 2006 when I thought it was on the market without a prescription and it turns out it wasn’t, which was not a fun little while. Then later that year, with a man who was kindof a mirror image of the first one, I also needed it again, because I’d again had unprotected sex.

I thought that I was past that, that I had moved on to a more responsible, early-thirties, sexually active person, so the last time I needed e.c. was really the most wrenching for me, something I think about a lot as I contemplate possibly being (hetero)sexually active again (which is a story for another time, but suffice it to say, whether that’s in November or earlier, I don’t want to make the same mistake). At the time, I was on and then off birth control. I was using the NuvaRing, and when I had the money ($50, with insurance), I would buy it, but otherwise, I would just use condoms.

But then I started seeing someone where we weren’t using condoms, and while I was using the ring, it was fine. There was a while where I wasn’t, though, and I was pretty sure, in my head, that I was ready for that. I told him I wasn’t using anything and we couldn’t have intercourse and yet that’s precisely what we wound up doing and for the longest time I felt so stupid about that. I still do, to a large degree, and am so grateful that I was able to get e.c. Now, I was waiting for a check at the time, as I often am, and waiting out the time between when that payment arrived, and when I could get the pills, was excruciating. It was also a very lonely time because I couldn’t turn to the person involved, and I felt like if I told my friends about it they would just tell me I was stupid for having done that in the first place.

I didn’t quite realize that, well, life happens. That a lot of women, smart, strong, powerful, amazing women, some of them my friends, find themselves in similar situations. I wish my friends had had e.c. handy, or handier, than they did. I don’t say that because I think abortion is morally wrong; I am completely pro-choice. I say that because even from my limited perspective, that was not a choice they wanted to make. I’m not going to speak for anyone else but seeing up close how challenging an unwanted pregnancy was for at least one friend, I wish all of us who either suspect or are sure we’ve had unprotected sex that might lead to pregnancy could easily assuage those worries.

Yet even as I’m participating in the blog carnival, I can tell you that after that incident, though it changed how I thought about my own sexuality, changed how I thought about who I wanted to sleep with, changed how I looked at my own sense of agency and responsibility (and made me 100% convinced that I, as a woman, owe it to myself to never, ever rely on anyone else to possess that responsibility for me), it did not mean that I walked around, or am walking around now, with e.c. on me. I guess I figure that if I do need it, I will go down the block to the drugstore and get it. Maybe there is a teensy tiny part of me that thinks that if I have it handy I’ll be more sloppy with my birth control, if and when I do need it, because of that safety net. But this year I am all about working on myself and not “fixing” old errors, but learning from them. That made a huge impression on me because it showed me that I am not always as responsible as I'd like to be, whether regarding my sexual choices or my financial ones, and that as someone who does, in fact, want to be a parent one day, that is not the kind of behavior I want to model, and not the kind of person I want to be. (Please note: I am not saying there is a "kind of person" who doesn't use birth control or forgets to use it, but that in this specific incident, I actively went against my own self-interest and that certainly made me question why I'd be willing to do that.)

That was a turning point for me because I realized some of the falsities I was telling myself about myself and my own responsibility and autonomy when it comes to this issue. I thought that I had everything so neatly under control and to realize that I didn’t, that I was willing to risk something so huge, for something so momentary, threw me in a major way. It made me realize that I need to pick who I share my body with a lot more carefully, and that I can only do that with people who I can also share everything else with—my mind, my fears, my mistakes. I couldn’t do that in that situation, and yes, I am getting to what this has to do with emergency contraception, and that was what really did a number on me.

So, in conclusion, I fully support more awareness around emergency contraception. I think so many of us are too hard on ourselves too much of the time, to the point that we are self-defeating. Having e.c. on hand just in case, for you, or for a friend, is not a sign that you are planning to have unprotected sex, and even if you are, or think you might wind up in a circumstance where you might, it is worth the peace of mind.

And if we are talking about emergency contraception as a health care issue, I can tell you that those days I was waiting to get that direct deposit were some of the most stressful of my life. There is no way they were anything approaching “healthy” and I am naturally prone to worrying so that certainly exacerbated it. If you are going to use e.c., while it is effective for up to 120 hours (5 days), it’s best taken as soon as possible.

According to Planned Parenthood:

Emergency contraception can be started up to 120 hours — five days — after unprotected intercourse. The sooner it is started, the better it works.

Emergency contraception is also known as the morning-after pill, emergency birth control, backup birth control, and by the brand names Plan B One-Step, ella, and Next Choice. Plan B One-Step and Next Choice reduce the risk of pregnancy by 89 percent when started within 72 hours after unprotected intercourse. They continue to reduce the risk of pregnancy up to 120 hours after unprotected intercourse, but they are less effective as time passes.

For more information about emergency contraception and the morning-after pill, visit:

womenshealth.gov

Planned Parenthood

Back Up Your Birth Control Campaign

Back Up Your Birth Control is a national campaign to expand access to emergency contraception (EC) by increasing public education and awareness. Each year, a partnership of leading advocacy organizations, service providers, and other community stakeholders conduct educational outreach and offer free services, culminating in the Day of Action.

The 10th annual National Day of Action will be on March 30, 2011.

The Back Up Your Birth Control campaign is a project of the National Institute for Reproductive Health.

See more of their awesome EC someecards here.

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