Was sex ever "trendy?" If so, it's over, according to MSNBC's Brian Alexander

MSNBC sex columnist and Best Sex Writing 2009 guest judge declares that 2009 is the year trendy sex is over:

While more information is good, sex-as-trend imposes pressure to conform. Never heard of a sex toy called “The Cone,” never been flogged by a dungeon master, or have yet to invite six strangers over for a little observational masturbation, also known as a Jack and Jill? How square. Hipsters have been so busy mining every tiny seam of our erotic underworld for nuggets of obscure novelty, and then feeding those nuggets into the crusher of pop culture, that those of us who have yet to attend a CFNM — Clothed Female Naked Male — party can feel hopelessly mainstream. (OMG!)

I recently guest edited and introduced a collection of sex writing selected by Rachel Kramer Bussel (“Best Sex Writing 2009”) and one of the most hilarious pieces in it is called “Silver Balling” by Stacey D’Erasmo. It’s the story of her quest, prompted by fear of being deemed uncool for not knowing the latest sex technique, to decipher the meaning of what proves to be a meaningless phrase.

Now, I'm really not sure sure there is or ever was a thing as "trendy sex" or who these hipsters were? My take is that it's not so much about sex as a novelty act as that those on the margins and in many sexual subcultures are finally feeling like it's okay to be more out. Obviously, not totally out, but more than they have been in the past. Whether being out about your sex life is a good or bad thing is not for me to decipher.

I think if people are trying sexual acts only because they think "everyone else is doing it" and it's not something they're actually into, that's ridiculous, but at the same time, if people do that with other areas of their lives, why not sex? Some of those people might find things in their experimentation they wouldn't have thought they were into, but are. I think the major problem with getting people to be more open is that there is still a lot of stigma associated with certain acts. Now, that doesn't mean I want to hear all about your personal experimentation with being a bend over boyfriend (as I was recently regaled with while at an event at a bar). Maybe I do from my friends, but not from people I don't know, but that episode did show me that people do actually want to talk about sex. Not everyone, but plenty of people, which is why I think sex stories thrive...and not just ones that originate from AVN.

I'm honored that my book got a mention in such a prestigious publication and for Brian Alexander's most excellent help in culling all the submissions and stories I had selected. And I think he's onto something at the end of this piece:

We are much more live-and-let-live when it comes to consenting adults having sex they way they want than most people think, despite the success a few culture combatants have had in ginning up fear.

But it does mean that sex is about to lose its patina of trendiness. Instead, I think we’re about to return to what has always been most interesting about sex — that moment when two people find themselves in a room, naked and full of anticipation.

I just don't see these as mutually exclusive. I think we can have quality sex writing and blogging and journalism and still retain our own private moments of sexual enlightenment and pleasure. It's not and as far as I can tell has never been about oneupmanship, but figuring out which parts of the endless array of sexual options fit with your life/lifestyle/personality/orientation/etc. "Options" perhaps sounds too cavalier, and I don't mean it that way. I just resent the idea that by putting too much out there, some of us (and I have to consider myself part of that for the purpose of this discussion, even though I don't think I am at all) are ruining it for the rest of you.

That's exactly the argument that underlies Paula Derrow's introduction to Behind the Bedroom Door, which I will delve into more soon. I guess maybe some people do feel that way, but if so, isn't that their problem and not the culture's? Isn't it more telling that someone's sexuality would be threatened by someone else being open and honest about their kinks, rather than that the second person has kinks in the first place? It's kindof like the people who say that same-sex marriage threatens homosexual marriage. How and why is it so easily threatened?

Maybe there is "pressure to conform" and I'm blind to it, but I don't think so, because in order to feel pressure, one has to feel insecure in one's position on some level. I guess it's better for me to speak only for myself, so I'll say that I could care less what other people are doing in bed or out when it comes to sex. Like, I'm often into spanking, but do I have a vested interest in other people being into spanking? Not at all. It certainly doesn't affect my sex life, so why should my spanking predilection affect someone else's? So I really can't go there all the way with Alexander's argument, except to say that if people have been solely taking their sexual cues from media or friends or others outside of themselves (including their partners), then it's probably time for some introspection. I think gaining insight via all these sources is great, but not if there's nothing there on a more personal level to back it up.

Want to write about Best Sex Writing 2009?

I'll have more about this soon, but I wanted to give a heads up to anyone who covers sex in any way, or any of the topics below. Best Sex Writing 2009 arrives very soon and I'd love any reviews, coverage, or interviews. If you're interested, email me at rachelravenous at gmail.com with your publication, mailing address, and what you want to do with it.

The rest of you, if this looks up your alley and you can promise me you'll write a review on Amazon.com by January 15th (you must already have an active Amazon.com account), write to me at the same address with your mailing address and Amazon profile. The first 5 of you will get a copy! You can also read up on Best Sex Writing 2009 here including interviews with the contributors.



More on this book soon, but here's the table of contents and my introduction. The cover photos is by the brilliant and kinky Pervy Girls photographer Christine Kessler.

I'm doing a particularly big push on this because this is the kind of thing I live for: brainy, smart, provocative sex writing that isn't about titillation but the true depth and reality of actual sex and sexual issues. I'd really like to see this series kick ass in sales and get people talking because I think it covers such wide ground, from things you'd expect from a sex writing anthology to plenty you wouldn't. Anything you can do to spread the word would be much appreciated. I'll post again when the books are actually in stock. Many thanks to MSNBC sex columnist Brian Alexander for his thoughtful introduction and careful reading and selection. Oh, and the BSW 09 blog isn't active yet, but will be very soon.

Best Sex Writing 2009
edited by Rachel Kramer Bussel

Introduction: Sex is Everywhere
One Rape, Please (to Go) Tracie Egan
Searching for Normal: Do Dating Websites for People with STIs Liberate or Quarantine? Lynn Harris
Father Knows Best Amanda Robb
An Open Letter to the Bush Administration Mistress Morgana Maye
The Pleasure of Unpleasure Kristina Lloyd
What's "Normal" Sex? Brian Alexander
Unleash the Beast "Josephine Thomas"
Is Cybersex Cheating? Violet Blue
Sex Offenders!! Kelly Davis
War Games: No WMDs but Military Police Find "Dangerous" Dildos in Iraq Tom Johansmeyer
In Defense of Casual Sex Tracy Clark-Flory
Soulgasm Dagmar Herzog
Sexual Problems: A Common Side Effect of Combat-Related PTSD Don Vaughn
Penises I Have Known Daphne Merkin
Sex Is the Most Stressful Thing in the Universe Dan Vebber
Silver-Balling Stacey D'Erasmo
Sex Dolls for the Twenty-First Century David Levy
Dear John Susannah Breslin
Oldest Profession 2.0: A New Generation of Local "Providers" and "Hobbyists" Create a Virtual Red-Light District Keegan Hamilton
How "Swingers" Might Save Hollywood from a Federal Pornography Statute Alan Levy
Why Bathroom Sex Is Hot James Hannaham
Kids and Comstockery, Back (and Forward) in the Day Debbie Nathan
The Immaculate Orgasm: Who Needs Genitals? Mary Roach


Introduction: Sex Is Everywhere

Sex is everywhere--in our bedrooms, classrooms, courtrooms, and offices, as well as on our TV and movie screens, streets, and newspapers. This was a big year for sex, from prostitution (Eliot Spitzer, Ashley Dupré, Deborah Jeane Palfrey) to teen pregnancy (Jamie Lynn Spears, Bristol Palin) and beyond.

You don’t have to look far to find sex, but you do have to get a bit bolder when looking for writing and thinking about sex that doesn’t play to the lowest common denominator. The essays and articles here explore the big, bad (and good) world of sex in many forms, from online personals sites (for those with STIs) to impassioned arguments for casual sex (and bathroom sexæsometimes one and the same, sometimes not), as well as affairs, purity balls, penises, cybersex, and more.

As I said earlier, sex is everywhereæincluding on the battlefields of Iraq. We may think of sex and war as mutually exclusive terrains, but as Don Vaughn’s story about sexual dysfunction and combat-related PTSD and Tom Johansmeyer’s “War Games,”—which looks at one contractor’s and two female soldiers’ penalization for possessing porn and dildos, respectively—make clear, the two are intricately linked. In fact, there’s no area of our lives where sex doesn’t play a role, even (or perhaps, especially) religion. In “Soulgasm,” an excerpt from Dagmar Herzog’s excellent book Sex in Crisis: The New Sexual Revolution and the Future of American Politics, she looks at what Christian sex educators are saying about sex (from oral to anal to vibrators), and their advice may very well surprise you.

Our current mores and rules about sex didn’t spring up out of nowhere, as Debbie Nathan shows in her exploration of early twentieth-century vice czar Anthony Comstock.

The personal stories here are ones I think may best illuminate how complex, individualistic, confusing and profound sex can be. In “One Rape, Please (to Go),” Tracie Egan boldly starts out, “I blame my recurring rape fantasy on the fact that I’m a feminist.” If that’s not enough to keep you reading, I’ll give you a clue as to what happens next: she hires a man to pretend to rape her, but what she gets in return is not quite what she bargained for. Similarly, in Dan Vebber’s “Sex Is the Most Stressful Thing in the Universe,” the goal of finally having sex becomes exalted to the point of mania, with a little help from his overly neurotic girlfriend.

I’d like to give special thanks to Miriam Axel-Lute and the Sex Positive Journalism Awards (aka, the Sexies). Their project was launched in order “to recognize the times when journalists stick to the standards of their craft in the face of such challenges and produce good, informative journalism that spreads accurate sexual information, stays fair in covering highly charged topics, and celebrates healthy sexuality as a positive force in people’s lives.” “War Games” by Tom Johansmeyer, was one of their runner-ups for Sex-Themed Publications, and all of their winners are worth reading (see sexies.org).

There were many extraordinary pieces I was not able to include in this book. Please visit bestsexwriting2009.wordpress.com for links to some of these pieces and to read more about the latest in sex.

With Best Sex Writing 2008, many people said they’d expected something far juicer from the racy cover. If you’re looking for the latest jerk-off material, please check Cleis Press’s website for their many fine erotica offerings; this is not one of those books, though some of these stories may titillate you or spark your erotic imagination. I always recall that the brain is the biggest sex organ. Learning about sex can inspire us to be better, more knowledgeable and more empathetic lovers, family members, and citizens.

I hope this book will open your mind and make you think about your own sexuality, as well as your neighbors’, politicians’, and best friends’. It’s given me plenty of food for thought and I’m grateful that sex continues to challenge us to think, explore and appreciate its many nuances.

Rachel Kramer Bussel