I’m not really sure what else to say about the breakup. It came in the midst of extreme brokenness, which meant halting my therapy sessions, and a lot of other stressful things, like family visits, but in the end, I’m doing okay. Or okay-ish. I think he was never all that into me, probably didn’t think of himself as my boyfriend, didn’t like our sex life as much as I did, and I was a little too infatuated to realize it. So my bad. I am trying to be cautious going forward but not cynical, because if my fatal flaw was liking him too much…I’m kindof screwed. Right now I have so much on my plate and though I’ve toyed with the idea of joining a dating site, that’s never been something I’ve felt comfortable with.
Now that I've met you
would you object to
never seeing each other again
cause I can't afford to
climb aboard you
no one's got that much ego to spend
So don't work your stuff
because I've got troubles enough
no, don't pick on me
when one act of kindness could be
definitely -- Aimee Mann, "Deathly"
I keep going back to that Aimee Mann song "Deathly," as I often do after a breakup. I've dated a lot of shitty guys, which I'm sure says more about me than them, but I always thought the whole "So don't work your stuff" was about, like, the guy who cheated on me with hookers and those types. But I think the so-called "nice guys" have stuff too. And of course, I do too. I'm not perfect or even all that good at relationships. I try but I have to figure out how to try harder. It's ironic because I said, to myself and others, "The only thing wrong with him is that he's never been in a relationship before." I don't know if that's really true (either part of that statement) but as it turns out, not having been in a relationship (supposedly) before is a dealbreaker. I should have heard that and ran, but I didn't, and now I'm dealing with the consequences. It's getting much easier, but still, it's not exactly a barrel of laughs.
Instead, I’m trying to hit the gym as much as I can, unbury myself from the stress, guilt and weight of all these unfinished writing projects, am getting a haircut (where I’m going to instruct my hairdresser to give me something new, bright and different), just ordered some new dresses from ModCloth (I have a little cash) and am looking forward to Book Expo America, where I’ll be giving away free Please, Sir buttons and books on May 27th, and speaking on a panel the next day at 2 at Backspace Writers Conference. Plus my first houseguest in many years arrives next week, and I also have to test out mattresses so I can buy my first adult bed (I know, I'm hopelessly behind on being an adult, but I'm trying). Been trying to spend more time alone, wandering, writing, reading, exploring. As long as I don’t go anywhere near my ex, I’ll be okay. I think.