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Lusty Lady

BLOG OF RACHEL KRAMER BUSSEL
Watch me talk about my debut as an author, Sex & Cupcakes: A Juicy Collection of Essays, in this Q&A with my publisher Thought Catalog Books

Tuesday, May 04, 2010

Hello Kitty Must Die makes me laugh (when I kindof want to cry)

I don't want to use this blog as a crutch, but maybe that's sortof a futile hope. I miss my ex a lot, in a lot of ways. We didn't get that much time together in the last few weeks and I miss what we had before that, the nights when we weren't out til crazy late, or we were, but we stayed up even later talking. I miss his voice and his bed and the way he'd carry my bags.

This one time, it was so funny, I had like 3 or 4 big bags and then this one tiny one with mini cupcakes. I rearranged things or maybe he had something in his hand and I took the cupcake bag, the only one I'd let him carry, so I had them all and we started walking again and he was like, "Can I please have my bag back?" It totally made me laugh; still does.

Yeah, I'm still in the WTF? stage, I guess. I am trying to steer my thoughts in other directions, and this weekend wrote part of a crazy story that has nothing to do with me or him, but was about this couple doing something wild after being together for a long time. But it's little things that I'm sure will remind me of him for a long time; hell, Tasti D-Lite still reminds me of K.

Maybe it's better for it to have been so sudden, so abrupt, so we didn't drag out either the relationship or the breakup. I do see the logic in that. And I certainly have a lot of work to do and things like finally buying a bed and getting my apartment in order so I can have guests, and peace of mind. And I'm mostly gung ho and throwing myself into those things...except when I'm not. Except when I wish we could just rewind a little bit. Maybe if I didn't have umpteen things going on (and I am wrapping them up as fast as I can and then will reassess if I want to do any of them anymore) I'd throw myself into online dating, or just dating. But I don't really want to go on a zillion dates. There's someone I like who likes me, but I don't know if it's a dating situation or just a sex situation or what. There's a cute boy (or, well, two) in another city but I really have had my lifetime supply of dating people who don't live where I live. So I don't know. But missing my ex is not really about whether or not I like or am attracted to anyone else. Those can both exist at the same time.

Other things, like, life, are still going on. My new sex column "Secrets of a Sex Writer" debuts tomorrow at Sexis Magazine (topics coming up include rough sex, bisexuality and erotica editing). Tomorrow night I'm going to porno bingo, and I signed up for the Avon Walk for Breast Cancer in October, where I'll be walking 39 miles in 2 days! That's trippy and I did it in part to have a goal and force myself to meet it, not my strongest suit, and to have something to look forward to. We'll see how that goes. But right now, I'm kindof sad and trying not to cry. I may have to scrap that plan and just cry and then see where I am. I bought a novel, Hello Kitty Must Die, last night that is over-the-top and I have a feeling is only going to get more so, but I like its brashness, its wackiness, its lust for violence and noncomformity.

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