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Lusty Lady

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Tuesday, December 30, 2008


We talked last night. I was sitting in Batch, chatting with Pichet Ong, who I’ve gotten over being too starstruck about (still a little, which is funny cause I hardly know who most bigtime chefs are). He’s just so friendly and interested in both people and food. Plus Batch has wifi! I’m gonna be a fixture there.

But anyway, by “we” I meant me and J. We hadn’t talked in a while, in part cause of timing and traveling and in part I guess cause it’s easier, easier to move into the present and future when you’re not so intimately connected to the past. Because I sortof jokingly said that my grandmother invited him to Martha’s Vineyard next summer, and all of a sudden I could picture him there so easily. He’d probably like it more than I do, being more of a water person.

We didn’t talk about anything too seriousæholidays, New Year’s, family, snow. Then I got off the phone and floated through the Village to Union Square. It reminded me of umpteen late-night, going to bed conversations we had this last year and it made it harder. I’m making a huge effort to do new things, to fall in love with New York City again. I ate a dosa at Hampton Chutney and then wound up at a Starbucks where I met someone who’d been at my chess meetup the week before. I went to the food safari and made a new friend and then we went to say hello to an old friends. I’ve been trying to shake myself out of the ruts I’ve fallen into, because I can either be very outgoing or hole up in my apartment for days on end.

I went on a date, a very sweet one, that could be considered a first or second date, depending. It’s not really like that, cause we’re friends, but it felt good, like that’s what I’m supposed to be doing. Over the holidays I heard from 3 exes, one of whom made my breath catch when I saw the message on my phone; I think his name will always do that. One isn’t really an ex, more like someone I had some dates with, but the other two, pretty much whenever I hear from them, I relive our entire relationship in the course of a minute or two in my mind. It’s sweet and disconcerting in equal measures.

I think the hardest part of putting this relationship firmly in its 2008 place and not trying to drag it into 2009 is how to deal with all the things I want to tell him, things that would matter to no one else, things that are our things. It’s not that I don’t want to have that with someone else, I do, and suddenly there are potential people here, there and everywhere. I guess I just don’t want to be making some grave mistake, and I also don’t know how to just be his friend. That word is so fucking loaded, so weak and bland, like “nice,” to describe it everything I feel for him. It’s ironic/funny/whatever that I wanted to break up because I hated being sad all the time, hated feeling lonely even when I had someone I loved and vice versa, and yet I still feel that way more often than I’d like. I feel like the end of the year is a time to make grand pronouncements and life plans, and more and more I’m stuck in some emotional limbo land where I have no idea what the right decisions are. Maybe, most annoyingly, there isn’t one single right decision, or rather, I’m not the one meant to make it.



At December 30, 2008, Blogger Neve Black said...

Hi Rachel,
I think it's important to keep in mind that time is a continuum. Just b/c the caleandar year reads, "Goodbye to 2008", doesn't mean we're always ready to resolve certain lingering feelings.

Don't be so hard on yourself, Lusy Lady. It sounds like you're doing all the right things to move forward -

Happy New Year!

At December 30, 2008, Blogger Anna Russell said...

Oh man, I can relate to this! Especially feeling stuck in the past because of all the things left unsaid. But then I try to keep in mind how listening never really was his forte anyway, so there's not a lot of point - better to walk away as a calm, in control woman and have that be their lasting image of you (but so much easier said than done!)

Anyway, glad I found your blog. I really enjoyed this post and I'll definitely be back to check out some more.

Anna xxx


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