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Tuesday, September 18, 2007

My new celebrity crush: Evan Handler

Anyone who knows my dating history or my fondness for bald men won't be all that surprised by this post.

Evan Handler didn't really do much for me when he played Charlotte's husband Harry on Sex and the City but OMFG, on Californication, I am so in total lust with him. I am not a TV watcher. There are major, long-running shows I have never seen. I read, I surf the internet incessantly, I write, I go out, I rent movies. And I don't really have good/any TV reception so that takes care of that. But I've been having a friend tape Weeds and Californication and while I didn't really expect much from the latter, I'm now a total fan. Both for Handler, and cause watching fucked up dads who still love their kids even as they make a mess of their lives is fascinating to me. I count Ari on Entourage in this category even though it's not exactly the same, but close. I have also rented all the DVDs I could find of My Name is Earl and am totally hooked on it.



He's going to be in the Sex and the City movie, which will start shooting this week "in and around Manhattan." Maybe I'll encounter him in the flesh, as it were. Though knowing me and my utter lack of celebrity-dar, that's unlikely. My only SATC encounter happened when K. and I were still together. We were on the Upper West Side visiting my mom, who was in town, and found out they were taping at a synagogue, I believe, and we hung out there for a while and by now, i don't even remember if we actually saw anyone or not. There was a lot of waiting and speculating.

my crush go so bad that I was disappointed that Evan Handler is married. The spanking plotline really helped fan the flames. It's kinda freaky how much he reminds me of someone (no, not my ex, someone else who looks like that) and it was a bit unnerving because I have moved on and don't even think of this person like that anymore, but watching this show brings it back in an almost eerie way. I will also say that once you start looking for bald men in this city, they are everywhere, and also fairly easy to spot. I can sense a story in the works, which is about as far as I get nowadays in terms of my sexual fantasies. That's not a complaint, either. I think I'm finally settling into the idea that I'm pretty good at being single, perhaps better than I am at being coupled. I keep erratic hours and like to be able to take off and do my own thing or shift gears at the last minute. I like having time to see my friends individually and just not feel beholden to anyone. On the other hand, I know that were I paired with the right person, they could reign me in a little, counterbalance me, enliven me. What Joni Mitchell wrote.

I think the more I try to make myself into a grownup, not the sortof lackadaisical slacker I've been in a lot of ways extending past my twenties, the more that vision of what I want from a relationship, or even friendships, becomes clear and right now I just feel like I am waiting for the universe to lead me, not just in terms of dating, but everything. I still have that corazon grande and sometimes I don't know what to do with it, wishing I could propel myself far into the future rather than just existing in the not always happy cheery now. It's not nostalgia so much as this sense of sadness, I guess, that something I once believed in wasn't really anything. Last week, for only like the gazillionth time, I was in one of those spaces where it just made me a little wistful. Thankfully, uh, there was some major eye candy adorableness to distract me. And not even distract, but just make me grateful for new friends who I want to get to know more. I hope there'll come a day when I can be in that scene and not feel any of that weird nostalgia, but I also know that the reason I do is because when I fall for someone, I fall pretty fucking hard. I want to immerse myself in their world, so if they go on and on about a certain writer or artist or website or whatever, I pay attention, and I seek those people and things out for myself. And that didn't stop, in fact has only intensified in the last year.

The idea of October is a little bit freaking me out, I must admit. I'll be exploring new/old relationships and revisiting a city that was a huge part of my 2001 social life, yet I'll be reading about that past life. The more distance I get, the more I feel like that essay's about a character of mine, like a little sister, someone you look at a little pityingly, like, "don't I know better?" But I also know there's no way to totally leave your old life behind. It's not just some one-time hookup friending me on Facebook or the itchy smallness that sometimes is nyc. It's that who I am today, good and bad, is made up of who I've been these past almost-32 years. I may feel completely different, and completely ready for a new life, but I have to remind myself that there's good and bad in everything, past relationships and even mistakes included, and just try to make the best choices for myself in the day to day. Today I got a big sign that I'm on the right path, that doing what you love and pursuing your passions is indeed worth it. It certainly doesn't always feel like it, so that was a much-needed reminder. More on that if/when it comes to fruition.

And these are the very deep thoughts you get from me when I can't sleep. Maybe I should be watching TV instead...

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