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Lusty Lady

BLOG OF RACHEL KRAMER BUSSEL
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Sunday, February 18, 2007

Goodbye and hello

I finally did it - I took his name out of my phone. Not without some hesitation, not without having hovered over the erase button many times. There's a part of me that wonders if maybe some miracle will happen and he'll call and I'll unsuspectingly pick up. Or I'll want to call, even though I know I won't. Or at least, I won't follow through. But still, as far as I've moved on, there are snippets of conversations, random moments that haunt me, ones that I don't know how to extinguish. I don't know where to put those memories, how to erase them, whether to weave them into the novel, if they'll ever go away. But baby steps, baby steps.

And after the Whitney with Lena, who was totally adorable, funny, and easy to talk to, pondering over a smashed piano in the middle of the room, checking out photos and examining books in the store and wishing, for a little while at least, that we could trade places and my twenties in front of me rather than behind, I finally made a purchase I've been lusting after for a while - I now own a Macbook. I got it with Word and can't wait to stroke it all night. I've finally gotten back a bit of a writing rhythm, finding stories lurking if I just give them a few minutes. I'm reading erotica stories about crossdressing and writing one or two myself. I am excited to turn in the current round of anthologies so I can start sending out calls for the others. A lot of that is about hurrying up and waiting and I have plenty of other stuff to keep me busy, but my mind is always buzzing with what would be a great new idea for erotica. I was telling Lena that while I have no real 10 year plan (though I hope in 10 years I'm a mom and that I work for myself), I will probably always edit erotica books. I like that because it takes me away from writing a bit. It's about cultivating and curating and reading and figuring out where things go and who can give me this kind of story and a kind of networking/problem solving combo that particularly appeals to me. As much as I can be a homebody and am reading The Merry Recluse with recognition, I'm also a social creature, a connector by nature, and without that I would feel like way too lonely. That being said, I can't wait to spend some quality time with my new computer and see what a new screen and no viruses brings out of me.

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