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Lusty Lady

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Tuesday, June 24, 2014

I'm sorry, do you still ike me?

I wrote about gender and apologizing and my penchant for saying sorry when I shouldn't for DAME, and how it feels to be on the receiving end of it. It's made me think a lot about how much I devalue myself when I unnecessarily apologize, as well as when I kowtow to people I shouldn't, even people I hate. I do it more often than I'd like, and ultimately, it's ridiculous because no one can ever give you back your power or self-esteem or self-worth once you so freely give it away. The past two years especially have been about me working to actually forgive myself for bad decisions in that area, for all the automatic yeses that should've been nos, for saying to myself, every day, in big and small ways, that I believe in myself. I spent such a long time wanting to be like by others at all costs that I forgot that if I did that at the expense of who I am at my core, I'd lose the essence of what makes me me and be left with nothing. Emotionally, I was, and I hit rock bottom just about two years in that area and am grateful I've learned and grown and can stand up for myself better than I could back then. It's a constant struggle, with various people in my life, from those closest to me to complete strangers, which is why I related so much to the Wendy Wasserstein quote I used in this piece, which I must credit my local Two River Theater for including in their program for her play Third. I read it as I was writing the piece and it resonated with me.

1950 Parker Brothers SORRY Vintage Game 1950s B_0

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