On polyamory and writing what you don't know

The introduction to my ebook essay collection Sex & Cupcakes is called "Writing What You Know When You Write About Sex." That I think does apply to personal essays, which make up the bulk of the book, but in my work as a sex columnist, I'm primarily writing about other people's sex lives.

To research my recent polyamory and metamour column, "Love the one you're with - and the one they're with, too," I posted a question on a polyamory forum and someone asked me if I identify as poly. It's complicated, and there's more on that in my essay "Monogamishmash" (in Sex & Cupcakes) but the short answer would be no. I'm in a monogamous relationship right now, although I wouldn't say I truly identify with the word "monogamous" as a way to describe me. But that's part of why I was all the more interested in exploring polyamory. I may be doing monogamy right now, but I still hate the way monogamy is shoved down our thoughts from the youngest of ages as the one and only way to go about love, the biggest goal, the most glittering trophy. Metamours seemed like a way to link that to Valentine's Day to keep it timely and offer some different POVs on the topic.

There's a gap between my experiences and those of the people I profiled, and I value that. I learn from that. Always. I don't think I could bring myself to write essays about myself and my sex life every day, or even every week. part of what keeps my mind alive and alert is talking to other people, being professionally nosy, and then, on a personal level, processing that information back into my life, figuring out what I can learn from people who are different me.

Certainly, when I finally get around to zeroing in on my biggest experience as a metamour, it will be nothing like that column. It will be dark, ugly and messy. It will be about my lowest, in a way, moment, a rock bottom that I think about often as a way to stabilize myself and remember how I do not want to behave. It's something I'm not sure I'd say I'm ashamed of, or even regret, but that was deeply impactful in all aspects of my life. I remember it like yesterday, which is probably why I feel this need to write about it three years later.

It calls to me because I'm often dark, ugly and messy, and always deeply, deeply imperfect. I will never be otherwise. But I think what I try my hardest to do is both write about my own experiences when a piece calls for it, but also look beyond my own experiences, because they will always be a narrow, singular, strictly subjective view. I'm honored and grateful to have the opportunity to write these sex columns, and if they end tomorrow, I will have been proud of the work I've done on them. So with that, Happy Valentine's Day, one day early.

My polyamory metamour sex column for Valentine's Day in Philadelphia City Paper

Sometimes I fall for a title first, as is the case with "Love the one you’re with — and the one they’re with, too," my Philadelphia City Paper column this week on polyamory and how metamour relationships can unfold. Special thanks to Cunning Minx (pictured below) and her podcast Polyamory Weekly for being such a wonderful source of information on this topic.



Yes, I will be reviewing Fifty Shades of Grey this weekend, but I wanted to remember other aspects of Valentine's Day than Ana and Christian, and wanted to use a Valentine's Day sex column to highlight an aspect of polyamorous relationships I haven't seen as much written about in more mainstream venues (even though I'm tasked with writing edgy, alternative sex for my alt weekly column, I still consider it "mainstream" in the sense that most readers probably haven't heard the word "metamour," and apparently neither has the spell checker on Blogger).

And yes, I'm aware that polyamorous people are often portrayed as rich and white. Not everyone I interviewed is white, and my aim with all my columns and writing is to showcase a diversity of sexual experiences, sexual identities, ages, races and genders. I am working especially on trying to cover topics that aren't being covered elsewhere, to the best of my ability, and to that end, I highly welcome pitches. In Philadelphia City Paper Let's Get It On is a short weekly print and online column about almost anything related to sex; my DAME Shameless Sex column runs every other week and focuses on issues around women and sex, and I also freelance widely for places like Salon about assorted other topics. Hence, I always am on the lookout for new ideas, people, events, kinks to cover. You can reach me at rachelkb at gmail.com with "Column" in the subject line.