From one oversharer to another

Sometimes, I sit down and actively think about story ideas to pitch, and sometimes they come to me when I am doing something else. I had one recently that's about, well, my sex life with my boyfriend, and I do think it would make an interesting essay, but before I go forward, I basically feel obligated to go to him and ask, "Hey, are you okay with me writing about ___?" In this case, it's not about anything sexually "out there" in any way, but it's still personal. I'm aware of that, and I'm also aware that he's much more private than I am. If he had to pick, I'm sure he would prefer I not write about things that involve him.

Since I wrote this essay for The Frisky, I've been thinking about that ongoing conundrum, and I realized that he's not the target audience for a piece like that. Largely, women are, in my mind. This other idea i have isn't as gender-related, but more about what we prioritize when it comes to sex, what surprises me about how sex plays out in our relationship, and other observations that are indeed personal but that I think say larger things about our culture's take on sex. I always try to give a little more context than just me me me.

On the other hand, part of why I gravitate toward first person writing in my own work and reading material is that I know what happened, for me, because I was there. I'm not saying I have a perfect memory or that what I write on day 1 would be the same as on day 11 or that my take is the only take, but nobody can ever tell me I didn't feel something or that my feelings are "wrong." By definition, they can't be wrong. Of course, we can all be wrong about lots of things, and I learn from writing about some of the most intimate aspects of my life. Sometimes that's actually how I handle interpersonal communication too. It's something I'm working on, the talking thing, but it's not always my first or best way of getting my point across. I get flustered and frustrated and lose track of what I wanted to say. When I'm writing, I have more time and more ways to figure out what I actually think and feel.

It's tricky, though, to write about your own life and maintain personal relationships. Here's what Mandy Stadtmiller has to say about writing about sex and dating over at xoJane:

There is a dirty little secret about writing about your dating life. (And I've heard it from several other much more mainstream girl sexytime writers than me, including ones who are currently on Bravo.) What people don't tell you about doing the whole personal memoir thing -- or "oversharing" if you want to be a reductive hipster dick about it -- is that many dudes live in fear of being written about. Like, when I had a dating column at The New York Post, I started showing the boyfriend I had at the time the columns that I would write three months into dating him. He is un-Google-able with me. As is my ex-husband. As are the majority of men I've dated. Aren't I good girl? I keep secrets. Good job, Mandy.

It's a puzzle I am constantly trying to find new ways to solve, and it's not one that's going to go away, not because I make my living by writing these days, but because even if I weren't getting paid, I would feel that need to make sense of my life in words, and share those words with other people. It's one of the reasons I loved CatalystCon, because people there get that, inherently, but also that whether you have sex as part of your job or incorporate sex in some other way, you also have a private life, feelings, thoughts, that are separate from what we put out into the world. That goes for us writers too. I'm half joking when I call myself an oversharer, because whose decision is it what's "over" in "overhsare?" For me, most of the time, it's more about survival and self-knowledge.

Free candy cane cookies, plus cupcakes, blue corn chips, BBQ potato chips & more 11/18 at Comedy Sex Night

Because I'm the product of two Jewish grandmothers and don't have any kids to foist food upon...so I do it to you. And I get sucked into Trader Joe's yumminess. Plus 100 Baked by Melissa cupcakes, blue corn chips, BBQ and salt and vinegar potato chips and an outstanding lineup of comedians and writers. Lucky you, because I'll be entertained by JetBlue while you're LOLing. Please spread the word!




In The Flesh logo by Molly Crabapple

There is no RSVP requirement, but if you'd like to RSVP and/or spread the word on Facebook, click here for the November 18th In The Flesh event listing. See also the In The Flesh Reading Series fan page on Facebook.

IN THE FLESH EROTIC READING SERIES
COMEDY SEX NIGHT
November 18, 2010, 8:00 pm - 10 pm
AT HAPPY ENDING LOUNGE, 302 BROOME STREET, NYC
(B/D to Grand, J/M/Z to Bowery, F to Delancey or F/V to 2nd Avenue, http://www.happyendinglounge.com)
Between Forsyth & Eldridge. Look for the hot pink awning that says "XIE HE Health Club."
Admission: Free
Happy Ending Lounge: 212-334-9676
http://www.inthefleshreadingseries.com

Our popular Comedy Sex Night returns! Featuring Marty Beckerman, Sara Benincasa, Kiri Blakeley, Kim Brittingham, Jessica Delfino, Matt Koff, Sara Schaefer and Mandy Stadtmiller, Jacquetta Szathmari and Elon James White. Plus special guests! Hosted by Carolyn Castiglia (Splurge!). 5 copies of the book Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk and 1 copy of The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex will be given away. 100 free copies of Sexis Magazine will be distributed. Free Baked by Melissa cupcakes, candy and chips will be served. This is the countdown to the final In The Flesh December 16th so don't miss a very special night!

In the Flesh is a monthly reading series hosted at the appropriately named
Happy Ending Lounge, and features the country's best erotic writers sharing stories to get you hot and bothered, hosted and curated by acclaimed erotic writer and editor Rachel Kramer Bussel. The series was named Best Reading Series by New York Press in 2009. From erotic poetry to down and dirty smut, these authors get naked on the page and will make you lust after them and their words. Since its debut in October 2005, In the Flesh has featured such authors as Mike Albo, Laura Antoniou, Mo Beasley, Susie Bright, Lily Burana, Jessica Cutler, Mike Daisey, Stephen Elliott, Valerie Frankel, Polly Frost, Gael Greene, Andy Horwitz, Debra Hyde, Maxim Jakubowski, Emily Scarlet Kramer of CAKE, Josh Kilmer-Purcell, Edith Layton, Logan Levkoff, Suzanne Portnoy, Julie Powell, Sofia Quintero, M.J. Rose, Lauren Sanders, Danyel Smith, Grant Stoddard, Cecilia Tan, Carol Taylor, Dana Vachon, Veronica Vera, Susan Wright, Zane and many others. The series has gotten press attention from the New York Times’s UrbanEye, Daily Candy, Escape (Hong Kong), Flavorpill, The L Magazine, New York Magazine, NBC New York, New York Post, New York Observer, Philadelphia City Paper, Time Out New York, Flavorwire, Fork in the Road, Gawker, Gothamist, Jezebel.com, Nerve.com, Serious Eats, Tasting Table and Wonkette, and has been praised by Dr. Ruth.

Marty Beckerman is the author of Generation S.L.U.T. and Dumbocracy. He has written for Playboy, Salon, and The Daily Beast.
www.martybeckerman.com



Sara Benincasa is a comedian, writer and radio talk show host. Her outspoken, sexually-charged comedy has won praise from the Chicago Tribune, CNN, The Guardian, and The New York Times, among others. Sara is the host of *Get in Bed* on Cosmo Radio, the world’s #1 brand for women, every weeknight at 8PM ET (Sirius 111/XM 162). She was a citizen journalist for the 2008 MTV Choose or Lose Street Team, part of MTV’s 2008 Emmy Award-winning Think campaign. Her political blog and video news reports can be found on MTV’s social justice and activism website, ThinkMTV. During the 2008 election, Sara created a splash with her original Sarah Palin vlogs on Huffington Post's humor site, 23/6, a web series for which she won an ECNY Award and
was nominated for a Webby for best performance. Sara was also the host of Nerve.com's Tub Talk with Sara B, a show she has revamped into Gettin' Wet with Sara Benincasa, a series in which she interviews artists in her bathtub. Sara’s solo show, Agorafabulous, is based on her experience with panic attacks and combines the sharp hilarity that's made her a hit on the web with the nutty magnetism that's made her a rising star in the alternative-comedy scene. Sara has taken Agorafabulous to theaters across the country and to LAFF, WICF, Sketchfest, and the Norwegian Storytelling Festival in Oslo. Sara is a regular blogger for Wonkette.com and the Comedy Central Indecision blog, and is currently working on a book based on her critically acclaimed solo show for William Morrow (a division of Harper Collins).
www.sarabenincasa.com



Kiri Blakeley was a writer for Forbes magazine for ten years where she covered entertainment, celebrities, fashion, lifestyle, technology, wealthy people, travel, and entrepreneurs. She has profiled celebrities such as Tyra Banks, Sandra Bullock, Padma Lakshmi, and Heidi Klum, and written about directors such as Catherine Hardwicke (Twilight) and Phyllida Lloyd (Mamma Mia!). She is the author of the memoir Can't Think Straight: A Memoir of Mixed-Up Love. She has a regular column that appears on Forbes.com. She graduated from the Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism. Two of her love letters appear in Bill Shapiro’s anthology Other People’s Love Letters.
kiriblakeley.com



Kim Brittingham is reading a chapter from her memoir Read My Hips which is forthcoming from Crown in 2011. You can learn more about her, read her blog
and get in touch at www.kimwrites.com.



Carolyn Castiglia has appeared on Comedy Central, VH1, MTV, NBC and Nick-at-Nite. She's an ECNY Award nominated stand-up and musical comedian best known for her funny freestyle, which has won her numerous championships at UCB's The BEATdown. Carolyn's voice has been heard by millions on YouTube in the Key of Awesome parodies Telephone (as Beyonce) and Bieber Fever (as Justin Bieber). KOA's Telephone parody was featured in two issues of Entertainment Weekly. Her solo show Brown Ambition premiered at Ars Nova theatre in February 2009. It went on to run Off-Broadway at 59E59 and played for a month at the 2009 Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Three Weeks said, "Carolyn Castiglia was the funniest female comedian I've seen at the fringe." Her writing has appeared in Life & Style magazine, MarieClaire.com, and she blogs daily for Babble, a parenting site recently voted one of Time magazine's 50 Best Websites.
carolyncastiglia.blogspot.com



Jessica Delfino has been publicly denounced by the Catholic League for her dirty folk music, praised by Thurston Moore, Michael Musto and other VIPS (or very important pens) and travels the world singing songs about vaginas. However, tonight, she will read you a totally true tale from her sexual repertoire. Visit her online at jessicadelfino.com or google her all night long.



Matt Koff is a writer/comedian who has lived in most boroughs that are not Manhattan. He is a contributing writer for the Onion News Network, as well as the Onion Sports Network television show which debuts next year on Comedy Central. He co-writes and voice acts in the barely-animated webseries 9 AM Meeting (9ammeeting.com). In his spare time, he enjoys listening to Charles Mingus records, eating pound cake, and ruminating on how his best days are likely behind him.
www.mattkoff.com



Sara Schaefer is the head blogger for Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, for which she won the Emmy Award for Outstanding Creative Achievement for Interactive Media in both 2009 and 2010. Prior to joining Late Night she was an editor for BestWeekEver.tv and hosted AOL’s on-line show, The DL. She has been featured in New York Magazine, Backstage and The New York Post, and has appeared on Vh1, E!, and Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. She regularly performs all over New York City.
www.saraschaefer.com



Mandy Stadtmiller is a comedian and an entertainment writer for The New York Post, the fifth largest newspaper in the country. She’s won the title of Funniest Reporter in New York and placed in the semi-finals of the Funniest Stand-Up in New York. In 2010, she went undercover as a client to hire the nation’s first legal male prostitute. Published in the Rejected anthology which Publishers Weekly noted as “remarkable” and highlighted her contribution, Stadtmiller has contributed to Playgirl, The LA Times, The Ft. Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel and Comedy Central as a featured comedian blogger. Her TV appearances include The Insider, Howard Stern TV, The Joy Behar Show, Fuse’s Ten Great Reasons, FOX’s Good Day New York, Fox’s Red Eye, VH1’s Rockumentaries and NBC-LX.
mandystadtmiller.com



Jacquetta Szathmari is a NYC-based screenwriter and comedian. A native of extremely rural Maryland, she escaped to a Delaware boarding school where in the face of crew races and bold Laura Ashley floral prints, she developed a unique comic style. Her act is a witty, acerbic and candid commentary on race/class relations and the failures of modern society. Her one-woman show That’s funny. You didn’t sound black on the phone., based on her childhood in Coleman’s Corner, Maryland was nominated for “Best Comedy” at the 2010 Hollywood Fringe Festival and garnered praise from both LA Weekly and Backstage. Her latest project, Hey you know it, with comedian Katie Kazimir is now available on iTunes.



Elon James White, Editor in Chief of ThisWeekinBlackness.com is a Brooklyn-based comedian, writer and host of the award-winning web series This Week in Blackness, a satirical look at race, politics and pop-culture in a so-called “post-racial” America. White has been a featured commentator on Countdown with Keith Olbermann, VH1's “Black to the Future” & “The Great Debate.”His commentary on race and politics has been featured on CNN.com, Daily Kos, The Huffington Post, Giant Magazine, Alternet & The Root. Praised as "The perfect comedian for the Obama era, talking race while exploding racial stereotypes" by Dr. Melissa Harris-Perry on Politco.com & as "Precise, thought provoking and hilarious" by Daily Show creator Lizz Winstead, White continues to win accolades from critics, academia and audiences alike. White was the recipient of four 2009 Black Weblog Awards, including Best Humor Blog, Best MicroBlog (Twitter), Best Video Blog and Blog of the Year. He has been featured in The NY Observer, NY Post, Gothamist, Newsweek and Gawker and has appeared on ComedyCentral.com and Sirius Satellite Radio. White’s festival appearances include the 2010 SF Sketchfest, 2010 Aspen Rooftop Comedy Festival, 2010 NC Comedy Arts Fest, 2009 LA Comedy Festival and more. He is currently on a Post-Racial College Tour and a featured contributer on Salon & Newsone.

Giveaways!


5 copies of Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk by the Association for the Betterment of Sex


1 copy of The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex by Kristen Schaal and Rich Blomquist

Carolyn Castiglia guest hosting In The Flesh Comedy Sex Night November 18th

I have good news and bad news; the good is that I'm going to be flying out to LA from November 19-21 for something very cool I will tell you about when I can. The bad news is I have to miss, yet again, Comedy Sex Night at In The Flesh. But don't let that stop you. I have the wonderful Carolyn Castiglia of Splurge! fame guest hosting and a truly rockstar lineup. Mark your calendars.


In The Flesh logo by Molly Crabapple

There is no RSVP requirement, but if you'd like to RSVP and/or spread the word on Facebook, click here for the November 18th In The Flesh event listing. See also the In The Flesh Reading Series fan page on Facebook.

IN THE FLESH EROTIC READING SERIES
COMEDY SEX NIGHT
November 18, 2010, 8:00 pm - 10 pm
AT HAPPY ENDING LOUNGE, 302 BROOME STREET, NYC
(B/D to Grand, J/M/Z to Bowery, F to Delancey or F/V to 2nd Avenue, http://www.happyendinglounge.com)
Between Forsyth & Eldridge. Look for the hot pink awning that says "XIE HE Health Club."
Admission: Free
Happy Ending Lounge: 212-334-9676
http://www.inthefleshreadingseries.com

Our popular Comedy Sex Night returns! Featuring Marty Beckerman, Sara Benincasa, Kiri Blakeley, Kim Brittingham, Jessica Delfino, Matt Koff, Sara Schaefer and Mandy Stadtmiller, Jacquetta Szathmari and Elon James White. Plus special guests! Hosted by Carolyn Castiglia (Splurge!). 5 copies of the book Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk and 1 copy of The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex will be given away. 100 free copies of Sexis Magazine will be distributed. Free Baked by Melissa cupcakes, candy and chips will be served. This is the countdown to the final In The Flesh December 16th so don't miss a very special night!

In the Flesh is a monthly reading series hosted at the appropriately named
Happy Ending Lounge, and features the country's best erotic writers sharing stories to get you hot and bothered, hosted and curated by acclaimed erotic writer and editor Rachel Kramer Bussel. The series was named Best Reading Series by New York Press in 2009. From erotic poetry to down and dirty smut, these authors get naked on the page and will make you lust after them and their words. Since its debut in October 2005, In the Flesh has featured such authors as Mike Albo, Laura Antoniou, Mo Beasley, Susie Bright, Lily Burana, Jessica Cutler, Mike Daisey, Stephen Elliott, Valerie Frankel, Polly Frost, Gael Greene, Andy Horwitz, Debra Hyde, Maxim Jakubowski, Emily Scarlet Kramer of CAKE, Josh Kilmer-Purcell, Edith Layton, Logan Levkoff, Suzanne Portnoy, Julie Powell, Sofia Quintero, M.J. Rose, Lauren Sanders, Danyel Smith, Grant Stoddard, Cecilia Tan, Carol Taylor, Dana Vachon, Veronica Vera, Susan Wright, Zane and many others. The series has gotten press attention from the New York Times’s UrbanEye, Daily Candy, Escape (Hong Kong), Flavorpill, The L Magazine, New York Magazine, NBC New York, New York Post, New York Observer, Philadelphia City Paper, Time Out New York, Flavorwire, Fork in the Road, Gawker, Gothamist, Jezebel.com, Nerve.com, Serious Eats, Tasting Table and Wonkette, and has been praised by Dr. Ruth.

Marty Beckerman is the author of Generation S.L.U.T. and Dumbocracy. He has written for Playboy, Salon, and The Daily Beast.
www.martybeckerman.com



Sara Benincasa is a comedian, writer and radio talk show host. Her outspoken, sexually-charged comedy has won praise from the Chicago Tribune, CNN, The Guardian, and The New York Times, among others. Sara is the host of *Get in Bed* on Cosmo Radio, the world’s #1 brand for women, every weeknight at 8PM ET (Sirius 111/XM 162). She was a citizen journalist for the 2008 MTV Choose or Lose Street Team, part of MTV’s 2008 Emmy Award-winning Think campaign. Her political blog and video news reports can be found on MTV’s social justice and activism website, ThinkMTV. During the 2008 election, Sara created a splash with her original Sarah Palin vlogs on Huffington Post's humor site, 23/6, a web series for which she won an ECNY Award and
was nominated for a Webby for best performance. Sara was also the host of Nerve.com's Tub Talk with Sara B, a show she has revamped into Gettin' Wet with Sara Benincasa, a series in which she interviews artists in her bathtub. Sara’s solo show, Agorafabulous, is based on her experience with panic attacks and combines the sharp hilarity that's made her a hit on the web with the nutty magnetism that's made her a rising star in the alternative-comedy scene. Sara has taken Agorafabulous to theaters across the country and to LAFF, WICF, Sketchfest, and the Norwegian Storytelling Festival in Oslo. Sara is a regular blogger for Wonkette.com and the Comedy Central Indecision blog, and is currently working on a book based on her critically acclaimed solo show for William Morrow (a division of Harper Collins).
www.sarabenincasa.com



Kiri Blakeley was a writer for Forbes magazine for ten years where she covered entertainment, celebrities, fashion, lifestyle, technology, wealthy people, travel, and entrepreneurs. She has profiled celebrities such as Tyra Banks, Sandra Bullock, Padma Lakshmi, and Heidi Klum, and written about directors such as Catherine Hardwicke (Twilight) and Phyllida Lloyd (Mamma Mia!). She is the author of the memoir Can't Think Straight: A Memoir of Mixed-Up Love. She has a regular column that appears on Forbes.com. She graduated from the Columbia University Graduate School of Journalism. Two of her love letters appear in Bill Shapiro’s anthology Other People’s Love Letters.
kiriblakeley.com



Kim Brittingham is reading a chapter from her memoir Read My Hips which is forthcoming from Crown in 2011. You can learn more about her, read her blog
and get in touch at www.kimwrites.com.



Carolyn Castiglia has appeared on Comedy Central, VH1, MTV, NBC and Nick-at-Nite. She's an ECNY Award nominated stand-up and musical comedian best known for her funny freestyle, which has won her numerous championships at UCB's The BEATdown. Carolyn's voice has been heard by millions on YouTube in the Key of Awesome parodies Telephone (as Beyonce) and Bieber Fever (as Justin Bieber). KOA's Telephone parody was featured in two issues of Entertainment Weekly. Her solo show Brown Ambition premiered at Ars Nova theatre in February 2009. It went on to run Off-Broadway at 59E59 and played for a month at the 2009 Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Three Weeks said, "Carolyn Castiglia was the funniest female comedian I've seen at the fringe." Her writing has appeared in Life & Style magazine, MarieClaire.com, and she blogs daily for Babble, a parenting site recently voted one of Time magazine's 50 Best Websites.
carolyncastiglia.blogspot.com



Jessica Delfino has been publicly denounced by the Catholic League for her dirty folk music, praised by Thurston Moore, Michael Musto and other VIPS (or very important pens) and travels the world singing songs about vaginas. However, tonight, she will read you a totally true tale from her sexual repertoire. Visit her online at jessicadelfino.com or google her all night long.



Matt Koff is a writer/comedian who has lived in most boroughs that are not Manhattan. He is a contributing writer for the Onion News Network, as well as the Onion Sports Network television show which debuts next year on Comedy Central. He co-writes and voice acts in the barely-animated webseries 9 AM Meeting (9ammeeting.com). In his spare time, he enjoys listening to Charles Mingus records, eating pound cake, and ruminating on how his best days are likely behind him.
www.mattkoff.com



Sara Schaefer is the head blogger for Late Night With Jimmy Fallon, for which she won the Emmy Award for Outstanding Creative Achievement for Interactive Media in both 2009 and 2010. Prior to joining Late Night she was an editor for BestWeekEver.tv and hosted AOL’s on-line show, The DL. She has been featured in New York Magazine, Backstage and The New York Post, and has appeared on Vh1, E!, and Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. She regularly performs all over New York City.
www.saraschaefer.com



Mandy Stadtmiller is a comedian and an entertainment writer for The New York Post, the fifth largest newspaper in the country. She’s won the title of Funniest Reporter in New York and placed in the semi-finals of the Funniest Stand-Up in New York. In 2010, she went undercover as a client to hire the nation’s first legal male prostitute. Published in the Rejected anthology which Publishers Weekly noted as “remarkable” and highlighted her contribution, Stadtmiller has contributed to Playgirl, The LA Times, The Ft. Lauderdale Sun-Sentinel and Comedy Central as a featured comedian blogger. Her TV appearances include The Insider, Howard Stern TV, The Joy Behar Show, Fuse’s Ten Great Reasons, FOX’s Good Day New York, Fox’s Red Eye, VH1’s Rockumentaries and NBC-LX.
mandystadtmiller.com



Jacquetta Szathmari is a NYC-based screenwriter and comedian. A native of extremely rural Maryland, she escaped to a Delaware boarding school where in the face of crew races and bold Laura Ashley floral prints, she developed a unique comic style. Her act is a witty, acerbic and candid commentary on race/class relations and the failures of modern society. Her one-woman show That’s funny. You didn’t sound black on the phone., based on her childhood in Coleman’s Corner, Maryland was nominated for “Best Comedy” at the 2010 Hollywood Fringe Festival and garnered praise from both LA Weekly and Backstage. Her latest project, Hey you know it, with comedian Katie Kazimir is now available on iTunes.



Elon James White Bio TK

Giveaways!


5 copies of Sex: Our Bodies, Our Junk by the Association for the Betterment of Sex


1 copy of The Sexy Book of Sexy Sex by Kristen Schaal and Rich Blomquist