Next Wednesday, I'll be hopping on New Jersey Transit to attend Book Expo America, where I'll be signing free copies of Come Again: Sex Toy Erotica. It's one of my last trips to New York before I move to South Jersey, where I'll be much closer to Philadelphia than the Big Apple. It's also the last unpaid event I will do in New York. I'm excited to step into a new role I'm creating for myself: that of a true businesswoman. I will be continuing the process I started this year in earnest, of making smarter decisions for myself and my business, RKB Enterprises, Inc. Sometimes that means saying no to cool events, but now I have to ask myself: are they worth over 6 hours of travel? In almost all cases, the answer will be no. Because with my six hours (which in reality I suspect will be more like 7), I can be earning income, or even just sitting in my backyard. Or if I want to travel, going somewhere I've never been, rather than a city I lived in for 16 years. New York is the city of my birth, and will always be a part of me, but it's stopped feeling like "mine." When I visit, I'm every inch the visitor, a guest, a bystander looking in, and I'm okay with that. I don't want to be the me I was when I lived there; that girl has vanished and turned into someone hopefully wiser and more mature.
I feel like I wish I had approached my life like this way back when; maybe I'd be more accomplished, maybe I'd have more money, maybe maybe maybe. But I can't think like that; I can only look forward. I welcome being a little more removed from my former life, because as wonderful as New York was to me, it also hit me hard at the end. I'll be turning 40 soon and my only goal for my birthday is to be pregnant by then--well, that, and able to pay all my bills. I used to have major FOMO and want to be everywhere at once, and now I'm so grateful for the chance to turn that focus back where it belongs. Okay, one more goal: no more jealousy. I'm so over wanting the seemingly glamorous, amazing, perfect lives other people have, and hope I can live up to my promise to myself to do my best with this singular one I've been given.
It means finally letting go of all the New York businesses I've patronized: for manicures, for waxes, for sneakers, for doctors. It's time to truly be a Jersey girl, rather than a faker. So I'll see you at Book Expo, and I may have one more NYC event before the end of the year, but otherwise, I'll see you online, where most of my writing and teaching happen. There'll be lots more of those, and new books to plot and plan. I'm finally ready to shed my old life, and it feels so freeing.