I often get nervous before trips, not so much about flying, but all the rest of it, especially when it's somewhere I don't know well, like Los Angeles. It's one thing when I attended CatalystCon West, because I mainly stayed within a two-block radius of the conference hotel. I don't know what has sent me into such a tailspin before this one, but I postponed my flight and seriously considered canceling. I didn't, because I had a feeling missing out on Hello Kitty Con would disappoint me more.
Partly, I feel guilty, like I shouldn't be going, because the whole reason I let myself book this trip was because I was offered the opportunity to teach an erotica writing workshop, which would have offset some of the cost of the trip. I had been toying with going but had thought it too wasteful. This week I found out the organization who'd contacted me is canceling the workshop and it's unclear whether I will get my fee. So even though I thought I had my RKB Enterprises, Inc. businesswoman hat on, I felt like a business failure for one thing. For another, I have other work and I didn't pitch stories on Hello Kitty con ahead of time so don't have anything lined up to write about.
But even more, I just felt homesick at the thought of leaving home. Maybe because I've been in Philadelphia twice recently and am in and out of New York a bunch in November, maybe because the fall leaves I can see from my kitchen are beautiful, and because I will surely miss streams of adorable trick or treaters. Maybe it's because my boyfriend has just been so rock solid supportive the past few weeks with all my mood swings and assorted ups and downs. Maybe it's because, while I do love Hello Kitty, LA is in no way my city and when I called my hotel to ask how to get there via public transportation, I was put on hold for essentially five minutes (with occasional dips back in to speak to me) while they Googled the directions. I despise that. Even though I may end up taking a cab, I love places that have decent public transport. I love cities like Portland, Maine, or Seattle, where I can walk and actually get somewhere substantial.
The last two days I just felt down, about assorted things, and then I realized that yes, not everything is going fabulously, but lots of wonderful things are happening too. You don't only get all good or all bad, just as you can't be in two places at once. So I am off to the city of angels and Hello Kitty, to eat cat (or pseudo-cat) shaped foods and look at palm trees and miss my guy and who knows what else. Maybe it's the not knowing, the unplannable, that sets me, someone who ultimately likes routine and control, on edge. I will see, and I'm sure I'll be posting photos on Instagram and Twitter.