At least for me. It's been a rough week, with much to sort out and figure and configure, and trying to write and failing and working to fail better and maybe even succeed, which may not look like what I envision in my wildest dreams, but may come in the babiest of baby steps. Part of me wishes for a job far afield from the word business to appear out of the blue and save me, rescue me from the hell of all this business where you give up control in pretty much every way and face nonstop rejection along with the bright spots, and part of me knows that this is a test, and my task is to devote myself 100%, which I have never ever done, because I've let the fear win, always, always.
It's a harrowing way to live and moving did not erase, well, the core of me. Too bad, perhaps, but maybe that's the lesson: wherever you go, there you fucking are and you learn to deal or wither away. Some days I choose the latter, a slow death by inertia, of watching life pass by, of not trying because you don't see the point. I got such a deep, sure sign that this way of living is not working the other night. It came fast and furious and rocked my world, and certainly upended my sad plodding along by reminding me that I need to step up or give up. My eyes are no longer bloodshot but my heart and soul are still recovering. So at a time when I lack words, and am looking for them high and low, inside and outside, drilling deep and trying to stay as open as my tattoo says I am, it's time to point you to ones I wish you'd read instead, ones that have helped buoy me, reminded me that the worst day, the blankest page, the darkest of doubts are perhaps there to show me rock bottom and remind me that there's something better waiting, on the next day, the next page, the next...and also the now. I hope there's cheerful news to share soon, though I may lay low for the next few weeks as I try to make words happen.
So here's a few bright spots of late
Xan West on writing "Baxter's Boy"
Annabel Joseph on having a story in my January 2014 anthology Best Bondage Erotica 2014 (table of contents coming soon), whose cover I can now share:
Justine Musk putting a name to something I'm extremely guilty of: miswanting
Danielle LaPorte's Truthbombs, which are a wonderful daily inbox pick-me-up