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Lusty Lady

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Thursday, January 03, 2013

Wishing and hoping

I promised myself that in 2013, my social media usage would be, on the whole, more positive than it has been, probably ever. I want to use it to share news about books and plays and cities and people I love. But I've already come up against a wall, which is part of what I struggle with in this time of "figuring out what I want to do now that I'm grown up." Some days I so wish I had what felt more like a real, steady job, one that, yes, I would have to wake up early and commute to, but where I would have detailed assignments, a boss, a steady paycheck. Do I really want those things? If given a dream job, yes, but I love the freedom of freelancing, except when I hit that voice that tells me all those negative things I cannot fathom even writing another word.

I had my first big cry of 2013 last night, and it really wasn't that big, but the topic was: moving. Uprooting is not something I do easily. I'm a very status quo, change-hating person, on the whole. I love my routines, my safety, my stuff; they are all tied together. To talk about uprooting them for something utterly unknown is damn scary. To go somewhere where public transportation is probably minimal is not my ideal living environment, but I also know that I've been wanting a change for a while. So I have a lot of big decisions to make, and probably a lot of holing up and simply dealing to do, reckoning, facing the mess, head on, grappling with what's most important, all the while trying to hold on to this increasingly precarious business of making a living. I guess I always assumed that the farther along I got, the easier it would be, and I've found exactly the opposite. Some days I feel fired up to face those things, and some days I want to, and do, just give up. I feel ashamed that it's only January 3rd and already that's how I'm feeling, sure that anything I try will fail, but I also know that the perfect is the enemy of the good, and a book with The End is better than no book at all. That's what I'm telling myself, anyway, as I push through to turn in the last two books I'm contracted for, and hope there will be more, and hope that if the universe deems me so lucky, I'm up for the task.

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