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BLOG OF RACHEL KRAMER BUSSEL
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Wednesday, December 12, 2012

Be careful what you ask, and ask for

I started a conversation the other night that led in a direction I wasn't prepared for it to go, and it tapped into all sorts of fears and issues I'm not sure I even realized I was clinging to. I don't want to say much more because I wrote an essay about it that I sent out, and even though I've been living in Rejectionville lately, hope springs eternal, and also, some of it I'm still processing, along with a class I took the other day. Both taught me that life doesn't always give us what we're ready for, or think we're ready for, and sometimes maybe a part of us knows we need to hear something that another part of us isn't ready for. I started that conversation and then totally freaked out when it was a lot deeper than I was expecting it to be. I learned that while I can push certain things aside, or bury them so deep I'm barely aware they're there, that doesn't mean they aren't still trapped inside me, and sometimes they are coiled so tightly that once they are unlocked, they boomerang back at me so strongly and forcefully I need every ounce of strength, even when I feel I'm at my weakest, to handle them.

It was a good lesson, even if it meant a lot of tears, and tearing myself down and getting to a very raw place where I had to confront a lot of my assumptions and beliefs and instincts. It certainly wasn't fun but it was one of those moments, like so many in 2012, where I had to step back a little and say to myself, "What are you doing?" I look at some of those in my mind like a movie and I sortof can't believe I was the star of it, and others I look back and wish I could tell that girl that even at the darkest moments, she'll get through them and be a better person for the darkness, and will have a healthier way of coping next time. I can see that process happening, kindof like delayed development, where I'm doing so many things that most people do way earlier, whether it's moving in with someone or certain self-indulgent vices. I'm such a control freak that when something happens that puts me into a position where I have zero control, it's always a learning experience, a way to shake me up when I most need to be shaken. This week I needed shaking, and stirring, and falling, and getting back up again.

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