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Tuesday, September 18, 2012

Crazytown

The song on the new Aimee Mann album Charmer (which I keep wanting to call Crusher, because I'm reading Niall Leonard's novel with that name) I've listened to the most today is called "Crazytown." It's incredibly catchy and while I think there are way more than fifty shades of crazy, as someone who's tried to manage my various crazy aspects, especially in this last year, even while doing things some people might think are crazy, like traveling alone to Dubai where I don't know anyone and basically kindof winging the whole thing, it seems fitting. Certainly one of the things I'm looking forward to is quiet; I won't be using my phone and while I'm sure I'll meet people, probably mostly I'll be on my own, in my head. Sometimes that's a dangerous place to be, and sometimes it's the only place I want to be.

When I get back, I'm celebrating my cousin's third birthday by buying him a custom made Plex cake (Plex is his favorite Yo Gabba Gabba! character) and then later in October I'm visiting a friend and her two kids in Texas, and I realized that I miss my weekly visits with them a lot in part because letting little kids climb all over me, raid my iPhone and laptop, and be utterly ridiculous makes me just a little less crazy. It reminds me that while kids can be super smart, they don't overthink every detail of their lives. They are utterly in the moment, in part because their sense of time is such that the moment is all there is. That's not something that comes naturally to me. I'm constantly making notes, reminders, to do lists. I have this overlying sense of guilt about the work I haven't yet done that often impedes the work I'm in the middle of doing.

My boyfriend is very good about not being the overthinking kind of crazy. I love that about him. I found out it was National Cheeseburger Day this morning and told him, and the first thing he said was, "I want a cheeseburger for dinner." So we went to Red Robin in the driving rain and ate jalapeƱo coins and elaborate burgers. He regularly makes me laugh so hard I feel like I have to pee, and usually it's over something totally ridiculous that I couldn't even try to explain it. I still need a lot of time on my own to explore and wander and think and be alone and figure things out. There have been times this year where all the craziness reached such a fever pitch I lost control a little. I wanted so badly to just be out of that headspace that I was willing to do some pretty out of character things. Now I'm trying to work on things like self-care and responsibility and communication and owning up to all my craziness and as it turns out, even the worst things, the rock bottom situations that looked so abysmal I never would've imagined I could dig my way out of them, can change. There are days when things still feel incredibly precarious, when all I want is to escape. And I'd be lying if I said flying 17 hours to a country utterly different than anywhere I've ever been isn't a form of escape; of course it is. But I also know there's a reason beyond Sanrio that I was drawn to going there. That's what I'm going to be exploring, and that's the kind of thing that even ten guidebooks wouldn't be able to tell me how to do. That's all on me.

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