Every time I lie down to sleep, or today, on my plane ride, I plot out these long blog posts and assorted essays I'm working on and think I will then suddenly have them transform from my mental meanderings into brilliant explanations of what I've been up to, but...it hasn't quite worked out that way. I've barely had a "normal" day in over a week, with assorted travel and changed plans and Monday, waiting for a new refrigerator and doing some major cleaning and then finding out the firdge isn't coming until next week. But I wanted to say that I'm doing better than I was last weekend, and post occasional photos and tidbits on my Tumblr. It's taken me a few days to figure out why I've been so out of it, discouraged, frustrated with myself. I get it a little better, and will be posting more about my weekend revelations, in between writing about Chip Kidd and Hello Kitty and such.
Right now it's 2 a.m. and the only thing awake in my grandmother's house besides me is, as far as I can tell, one pesky mosquito. It's quiet, but not quiet like a typical suburban quiet, at least, not to me. The water is right outside my door. I'm surrounded by family where I"m staying, next door, up the hill. Watching the Olympics tonight, I remembered being 8 years old, such a big girl that I got to live with my aunt and uncle for the summer an take care of my then less than 1-year-old cousin. I loved that summer so much; I felt so important, so proud, to be special enough to stay with them. Now my cousin is 28 and has two brothers and we all very much miss his mother, who, though born to Icelantic parents, converted to Judaism and is buried in the Jewish cemetery right here, next to my other family members. Apparently, we are popular; my uncle told me on the drive back from the airport that our headstones are covered in stones.
We looked at photos in the digital photo frame I bought my grandmother for Mother's Day, but realized was truly a gift for me. I loved looking at those photos, with my cousin who lives in Park Slope who I rarely see and my uncle who lives in L.A. I found out my other cousin who lives one subway stop away from me is moving out of the country, and also got gossip updates on almost every other member of my family. Pretty much every conversation has involved some variation of, "So I hear your have a boyfriend" or "Where's your boyfriend?" I don't know if that should make him feel welcome or not, but I told him that since I was regaled twice in ten mimnutes with how delicious my cousin's Italian boyfriend's tiramisu was, if he cooks for them, he will win them over instantly.
My cousins and I are going to see a Martha's Vineyard Sharks baseball game tomorrow, and Thursday, Friday and Saturday I'm going to Jawsfest. Mostly I'm trying to make each day count, to push myself as best I can, to be proud of my work time and my play time, to live in the moment while planning what I'm doing and where I'm going over the next few months.