I can’t lie – I like getting my photo taken. And I really, really like how these photos came out. They’re good for me at a time when I am not that into various aspects of my body and am trying to figure out, aside from diet and exercise, what to do about that. Ditch my sneakers and wear heels during the day? Glam up my non-makeup look? Or just accept that real life is not going to be like being pampered at a photo shoot?
I bought a skirt the other day at The Gap and I hate trying things on first, so I didn’t. I bought it cause I’d been walking all over in my new favorite dress and didn’t feel like wearing it the next day and didn’t have time to go home and change. I was worried it wasn’t going to fit and when I first put it on, it was really snug. It’s a size 8 which is often, but not always my size. And then I realized it’s not that it didn’t fit, it’s just snug. Or, um, bootylicious. And I wore it to walk all over Queens and was very happy with how it fit. Not too tight or too loose, not trying to make my body look some way that it’s not, just me, and my ass, in a black skirt.
For me, it's not just body image that's such an up-and-down roller coaster, it's, well, image. Confidence. Self-esteem. If I feel like my life in general is going well, and often by "life" I mean writing/money/apartment, I'm confident. If they're not, I'm not. And I think part of why last year there was that giant disconnect between my love life and the rest of my life is that so much was falling apart and I was looking for romantic attachments in all the wrong places to the exclusive of just living that roller coaster and accepting it. I wanted to either drag whoever I was into on the roller coaster with me or presume that they had the power to control it. It's not like that. I mean, it's great if, say, my boyfriend thinks I look good. That pleases me but it doesn't automatically mean I think that. We're separate people and I think the same thing applies to the rest of my life too. I want to be someone who can take constructive criticism, even though I'm not that great at it, but I also know that I'm stubborn and willful (and that those are pretty much synonyms) and have to figure a lot of stuff out for myself, often taking the long, twisted, meandering way.
I'm guilty of the same thing in reverse. I was/am dealing with such ridiculously over-the-top jealousy issues in part because it's much easier to imbue someone else with all the qualities you wish you had than to figure out how to embody those qualities yourself. The latter is much harder. But it is, ultimately, not only the more honest way to live but the more rewarding. I was so stuck in these horrible patterns of thinking and acting and it's not like they disappear overnight. I'm not just some magical new and improved RKB 2.0 just like that. But I am striving to be someone better than I was, someone not more cynical or bitter or anything along those lines, but someone still open, with all the risks that entails. I'm starting to see that everything involves risks of some kind and sometimes the result is you crash and burn...and pick yourself back up again. And that's what I hope I'm doing, in my own slow, stubborn way. And some of the risks pay off with really fucking brilliant odds.
Anyway, these photos also reminded me that somewhere in my scattered belongings I have the black nightie I’m wearing here from Sweet Paine! It felt incredible. I think part of why I and apparently some of you like these photos is that I felt amazing when they were being taken. The makeup artist did an amazing job, as did photographers Constance and Eric, and wearing Sweet Paine’s sexy lingerie made me feel slinky and sexy and glamorous. So…here are some of my favorites. Shot at Shag, where you can buy my books, Ellen Stagg's gorgeous photos, skull panties, a tissue holder shaped like a female butt, butterfly pasties and so much more.
And my very favorite...