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Lusty Lady

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Sunday, January 02, 2011

Finally ready to read Chastened

I think last year when it came out, despite my protestations in writing to the contrary, I wasn't ready to read Hephzibah Anderson's memoir Chastened or come anywhere close to living my own version of it. This year, I'm older, wiser (or, um, not), and ready to dig into whatever prettiness or ugliness saying goodbye to all that provides. It's in no way my natural inclination, but neither is nonstop rejection, so I think I will swoop in and save myself rather than be all Groundhog Day about dating. It's the one area I can't set goals or resolutions around because I can't control what anyone else thinks of me, and am trying to wean myself away from caring what other people think, since that is obviously the road to ruin. I can only try to make myself into someone I would date, baby step by baby step.

I hope I will not be blogging here that much - I'm gonna try to abstain from that too. It's really not a free, safe space anymore, and hasn't been for a long time, not when you know who's reading, who's judging. I intend for this to be a place to post about events and media and writings and such, but will be making a concerted effort, in a way I never really have, to actually sell my writing. In the past I've been so complacent that I've just sat back and waited for life, writing, opportunities to come my way, and when they did I thought I'd "made it." I'm ever grateful for those opportunities, but to feel fulfilled, I need to pursue opportunities as well or I will be making the exact same writing wishlist every January 1st forever.

From The Atlantic:

What did you find most challenging about taking on the vow?

It was interesting; it wasn't necessarily the things that I would have expected at the start of the year. Certainly I missed sex, but as the year wore on that actually got easier. The six-month mark was a bit testing, but certainly toward the end that had become almost manageable because there were so many compensations. But I think that that feeling of being slightly almost trapped in a cell, in a way, just being horribly self-aware during the year was a bit challenging at times. And I was forced to see things about myself that I hadn't liked to think of myself being—you know, passive and always going along with things because that was always sort of what was expected. So, coming face-to-face with those realizations was a bit challenging.

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