this used to be Kinky in Helsinki on my nails
Actually, this is about the state of my mind, which is reflected in the chewed-down nubs of my nails. I’m kindof in permanent overdrive lately, which is not my preferred state. I have so much juggling to do, of money, time, energy, promotion, writing, editing. I’m exhausted and this upcoming trip is one I’m both looking forward to and dreading. In the Bay Area, there are so many people to try to see, and a few to studiously avoid, all in just over two days. Then four days in Los Angeles, where I have a list of cool friends, most of whom happen to be parents, who I want to visit, and bakeries. It’s exciting, but at the moment I feel like the second I slow down I’m going to cry.
Instead I’ve been drinking lots of coffee. Monday I took a sick day, and Saturday I stayed home from a family party to sleep heavily. My body is trying to tell me not to push it too hard, not to try to do everything, because I can’t. My brain is full of ideas, my laptop full of half-started pieces. I have glimmers of scenes nudging at the edges of my brain, wanting me to pay attention, and I want to, but sometimes really all I want to do is sleep.
I was cleaning up my lunch today (photo below) and all of a sudden, I couldn’t find my cell phone. I’d just had it, moments before, but ever since mine got stolen at Grand Central I’m hyperaware of where it is at all times. A man who works at Energy Kitchen offered to call it and…it was in the pocket of my hoodie, under my jacket.
So, yeah, lots of stress, as I wait for checks and try to make the most of my time and figure out which resolutions I should keep and which I shouldn’t. People are asking for advice, who to book, where to hold an event, this and that, and sometimes I just want to turn it all off. The email, the blogs, the internet. Because once you step inside, you seemingly can’t get out. Or rather, I can’t. I feel these days that there is so much busywork that finding a few moments, let alone hours, to actually commune with words is a luxury. The event onslaught, one I myself coordinated, is a little bit too much. The break from the reading-series-I-utterly-couldn’t-afford is not turning out to be much of a break at all.
I don’t know what the solution is, but clearly this isn’t how I want to live my life, or have my nails look. I’m vain enough that while I don’t yet have boots, I’m reluctant to wear my sneakers to a date, even if it’s just a watch-reality-TV-at-someone-who-I’m-just-friends-with-benefits-with date. I like keeping up my nails, like the bright shiny color blasting in my face, forcing me, even if only for a few seconds, to smile at it, to luxuriate in it, to know that I took an hour to sit still. So maybe I need to lay off the coffee (reading this over, who am I kidding? I am now madly in love with my hazelnut coffee), and also just figure out ways to both power through the hard parts, and make less hard parts, more easy-to-grasp goals that even in my weakest moments, I can tell myself, “You can do it.”
energy burger at Energy Kitchen (bison burger, 3 egg whites, low-fat cheese on whole wheat bun - January special, all burgers are $5 - it looks messy but is delicious)