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Lusty Lady

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Monday, February 02, 2009

In bed at the Fairmont Hotel

I lasted longer here, mentally, than I usually do, though despite having a fabulous time in the East Bay and wanting to come back to visit all the kids, and the reading support I've gotten, I want to try not to come back for a while. It's always exciting at the beginning and then, somehow, not so much. I'm also hoping to visit other places, like ones I've never been to. I had a moment of panic yesterday when I thought I'd lost my BART card, but I found it, and rounded out the weekend with more "research" for my hotel anthology Do Not Disturb by staying at the Fairmont, again using Quikbook. The hotel thing is so seductive because it's like time stops, for that little sliver that you're there. It doesn't, really, of course, but it feels like it. It's like a giant game of dressup where I get to pretend to be rich, pretend to be lots of things I'm not, and maybe we all need that once in a while. Or at least, I do.

It's a busy week as I have a redeye home tonight after the Booksmith reading (7:30! Free cupcakes courtesy of me!) and then work tomorrow and then have to call in to jury duty. Plus my mom's in town, which is a whole added level of stress, and there's a party for The Rumpus on Thursday, deadlines, and all the usual New York mania. It's been wonderful to get away from it for a few days but I'm also itching to get back. Not to the cold (the weather here has been gorgeous) but to the reality.

I'm so honored that Rachel Sarah and Mary Pols let me peek into their single mom lives. I had fun and really got a glimpse of what it's like. I would never say I have more than a glimpse, an inkling, into what that life is like, but I am so inspired by each of them. You should also check out their respective blogs for lots of fascinating posts (Rachel Sarah questions whether single dad blogger Matt Logelin is worthy of his internet fame, and Mary Pols did Gwyneth Paltrow's GOOP detox diet for a week!).

That's about it. I have hardly written in what feels like months. Yes, I did those columns here and there for The Frisky. I submitted a 7,000+ word story to a Black Lace anthology, a market I'm desperate to crack this year. I've written, but not really, not the way I want to, not the things I lie around thinking about, nothing real or true or important, at least in my mind. So while I have this gorgeously fancy hotel room for a few more hours, as San Francisco wakes up and the light pours in the window and I see the lei from the restaurant that matches my bra on the room service cart, I'm gonna try to see what comes out. It's so easy to get caught up in nonsense, in replying to emails and posting screenshots and whatever else whittles away the hours. That's pretty much how I feel my life has been going the past few months: nowhere. Endless spinning on both the personal and professional levels and landing nowhere.

Maybe I'll have more perspective when I get home. Or not. I'm happy it's February. I'm happy that I will hopefully have new glasses on the way soon, ideally Thursday if jury duty doesn't make me miss my appointment. I'm happy I should get to see Humpday when it screens next month at SXSW. I'm happy that I got to visit the East Bay and relax this weekend as opposed to all the running around. I'm happy that I'm finally really happy to be single. I was, but I wasn't, not really and truly. I don't love it, hence my reconsideration of my previous hatred for Internet dating, but I think I finally get what people were telling me all last year and I couldn't hear.

Now I just am trying to figure out "what I want to do with my life." You know, little things like that.


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