On friendship

I'm rather under the weather this weekend, kinda achy all over, in places you don't really want to be (face, arms), so am mostly on sleeping duty while thinking about plot and detail and trying to just do one thing at a time. It's been a rather rocky few weeks and I keep waiting for things to "settle down," never quite realizing that there is not really such a thing, there is just doing the best I can to control and contain the chaos.

It's September, which means next month is October, which means I've got about two months left to be 31, and that's scary in its own right. It's been a big year and yet in many ways my head and my heart are stuck in 2006 and I keep dragging them into the future, keep trying to look forward and not back. And yet there are so many people in my life, some I see more often than others, but who I know are there, who just get me and make me happy simply by existing. I guess the irony for me that hasn't really gone away is that he actually isn't one of them, but everyone else I've met through him, which is a not insignificant group, is. I don't profess to have any more answers or clarity than I did back then but I hope that in trying to take care of myself a little better and figure out where I've gone wrong (and right), I can be a better friend. I'm not perfect and while I know I'm far too harsh a critic, I don't want to be complacent. I have a lot of room for improvement but when I think back to our New Year's party and what a mess I was, I feel grateful that I've left that particular messiness behind. It's not so much that not drinking means I'm in a better headspace but that I don't have that way out of it, that way-too-easy-to-abuse shortcut that, for me, winds up being a rather long and twisted and maze-like road.

I have some of the best friends in the world and I'm infinitely grateful for them, every day. I have friends who send me cookies and friends who take photos for me and friends who kick my ass and friends who just let me know they're there. Beautiful friends who I randomly run into and change my whole day. Friends I'm so proud of I could burst. I hope more than anything that I am as good a friend back to them as they are to me. I would be nowhere without them and yet I more than identified with Ed Champion's post "You Don't Want to Be My Friend. Ed's a great writer and ardent blogger (and podcaster) but on this note, has been nothing but friendly and supportive to me in the short time I've known him. I tend to get so, so bogged down in the details of where I've gone wrong, where I've fucked up and wallow in that and I forget sometimes that just having a friendly face, someone who cares, tell you that it'll be okay, is priceless. K. and I used to talk about pie charts, and where everything fit in. I don't know if I have the balance right quite yet, but when it comes to friends, I don't think it's about quality vs. quantity. It's about making sure people know you care.

Lately, with the seemingly infinite social networking sites that seem to spawn the minute you've gotten comfortable with one, that "friendship" is about maintaining a profile, both literally and figuratively. But for me, friendship is about whispering in the corner or passing notes, curling up against the wall for hours to listen her talk about her breakup and eat ice cream, chatting with my fellow insomniacs, sleepovers that remind me of being in junior high. It's texting the wrong friend and being able to tell her that, and realizing how unique my communication with everyone is ("You never call me 'girl'").

I'm not great at being cagey and jaded and above it all. I don't like awkward silences. I pretty much know within five minutes of meeting someone whether we'll be mile-a-minute talkers (hello Kiki!) or I'll sit there and fill in the thought bubbles in my head and plot to make my escape. Thankfully, the former outweigh the latter, and give me hope when things seem, truly, hopeless.

And as a bonus for anyone who's made it all the way through, a cupcake photo by the amazing Zalita as I wonder how much longer I can wear flip flops. And of course you know where to get more of those!