Book review: Hana Schank's A More Perfect Union

A More Perfect Union: How I Survived The Happiest Day of My Life by Hana Schank

I got Hana Schank's memoir when I was in Portland and really enjoyed it. I think it's very easy for feminists to blanketly critize marriage (see CAKE's recent comment on Ariel Levy's New York magazine piece: "Levy wholeheartedly embraces gendered stereotypes and the commodification of marriage by profiling the quintessential exercise in female objectification, the marrying kind." and Jessica Valenti of Feministing on the "romantic industrial complex"). But perhaps more worthwhile, and more challenging, is what Schank does, examining wedding minutiae from a feminist viewpoint without discounting it entirely, even as she participates in it. It's even funny! But more than the sociological/political angle, I found her personal story/struggle, especially around her divorced parents coming together at her wedding, truly touching.

Now she writes a blog, mostly about her son Milo, and of course I read it in the same voracious way I read the other mommy and daddy blogs on my list. This post, "The Mommies on the Bus," was especially moving, and when my Fresh Yarn essay runs (hopefully next month) you'll see my counterpoint on saying "I love you" to kids.

My review:

Hana Schank lives up to the promise of the subtitle ("How I Survived the Happiest Day of My Life") to her marriage memoir A More Perfect Union with humor, history, and a self-aware look at just how this modern, feminist-minded woman got caught up in everything from flower colors to save the date cards. "In just a few weeks they had become my new vital statistics," Schank writes about the post-engagement facts of her life as strangers swarm her to find out every detail of her nuptials, her "Rosetta stone" of a ring blaring to anyone she meets that she is about to get married.

Using her own foray onto wedding website The Knot's message boards and reading of wedding magazines as background, Schank proceeds to recount the ways the process getting married changed her, and what she learns about the wedding industry along the way. She's telling the story as both an observer and participant, going back and forth with facts she doles out about the corporate and cultural pressure on brides to how these intimately affected her.

Schank talks about the things one isn't usually supposed to mention when it comes to the joy of weddings--namely divorce, baby pressure, the picking and choosing of religious traditions. She acknowledges the clashes she and her husband have over the wedding planning, such as his anger that he's not once asked his opinion about their flower choices.

This is not simply a tirade against the wedding industry, or it would not be such a delight to read. Schank and her fiancé Steven are able to laugh at those around them--and themselves--pretending to shoot at each other with the scanner while adding to their registry, or joking on their way to retrieve her wedding dress:

"I feel like I should be yelling at some imaginary kids back there or something," I said.

Steven turned his head to the back of the van. "Stop hitting your brother!" he yelled.

I laughed. "Who wants to watch the Finding Nemo DVD again?" I asked the backseat.

What becomes crystal clear from page one is how much of their wedding planning is not only inclusive of, but dependent on, their families, from what to wear during the wedding weekend softball game to how Schank's divorced and divisive parents will be able to come together. Reading her final chapter, in which her fiance's brother gets a concussion during the softball game and various mishaps occur, I certainly teared up when Schank's parents join her to walk down the aisle, adding a blissful conclusion to the often-stressful weekend.

"And right then I realize that this was the moment I planned the entire wedding for. If weddings are about fantasies, then this was mine: I wanted my family back together again, even if it was for a few fleeting seconds. And right then, as I bask in the warmth of my family, it is all worth it. The months of tears and obsession and ribbon and Martha Stewart. It is all worth it."

These sentences show that while her marriage is, in large part, about, as the rabbi tells Schank, "sovereignty," an us-against-the-world partnership between the bride and groom, in many other ways it is about joining two people, and two (or more) families, about the negotiations and compromises Schank and her relatives and her fiancé and his relatives all have to make to create this "happiest day" of her life.

Her final chapter, a post-script about the reactions to her book from various sides of the wedding world, is the most illuminating. Schank concludes that even so-called "bridezillas" don't think they're any more wedding-obsessed than anyone else, and even though she has herself marveled at why anyone could care so passionately about ribbon, she emerges with a sympathetic attitude toward brides of all stripes. When Schank writes about her feminist critics that, "It makes it easy for people to tell you you're not being the right kind of girl," she could be writing about any number of female realms, from mothering to sex work to bikini waxes to breast implants, in which women's choices are debated and attacked with viciousness. This isn't a how-to book (or a how-not-to book), but I'd imagine that many prospective brides and grooms will enjoy and learn from Schank's story, or at least have someone to commiserate with.

What makes this book special is that it's both a laugh- and cry-out-loud memoir, and an insider's look at the ways wedding hype has descended on Americans, particularly New Yorkers. Schank is smart enough to know when she's being manipulated, but it's her very awareness, sharpened by historical facts long with the very modern reality of one-bride-upsmanship and the quest for perfection in every area, even as she goes through the process of being (sometimes) swept away, that adds depth to A More Perfect Union.