"Show love by any means necessary."

That was the six-word resolution I came up with for the SMITH magazine contest. Sure, I have lots of really personal, self-improvement resolutions, though in all honesty, especially in the last few weeks, I try to take a moral inventory every single day. I am trying so hard to work on and improve myself, though sometimes for me it’s more a matter of stopping thinking about it and just getting to it already.

But this one is probably the most important to me. I swear by my relationships with the important people in my life. And by “love” here I don’t just mean “love,” but friendship, kindness, appreciation. I don’t throw the word around lightly, either. We were on the subway, it seems like a million years ago but was only about five weeks ago, and we were writing a card together. It was silly and yet so much fun. I’d never really written anything with anyone. I let him have the pen but I had veto power. We spent an entire train ride from the Upper West to the Village crafting this message and then at the end he signed it “Love,” and we signed our names. I wouldn’t have, to be perfectly frank. I might have gone with “xo,” or “best,” just because I don’t know them well enough. He tossed it off just like that and we had to go and there wasn’t time to press it, but I remembered it those three days later. It was just this afterthought of a word on a card, but it was my heart. I take that so seriously and yet, even now, my heart is so fucking wide open.

It’s not a one-size-fits-all love, either. One of the best things I did in 2006 was really spend more one-on-one time with a lot of my friends. Listening, talking, just hanging out, whether at Red Lobster or Klong or wherever. Sometimes they say things that just make me want to cry when I realize how much they get me, how much they want to protect me and just how much they care. I sometimes pretend like I don’t need that, but that’s only because I’m scared to need it. I have so many people who just see this one surface to me, who would never care to look any further. And when I let others in, it’s so they can feel around, fondle, get the lay of the land of my heart and my head and then walk away. No thanks, that’s okay, I’ll just be with this married chick or this hooker or whoever over here. I guess I sortof came to accept that, accept that I wasn’t worthy, that I’d never be the one someone chose in the end. I’m not gonna lie; the concept of “winning,” of beating out some other woman, made me feel good in a way that makes me kindof ill now. But I’m working on letting bygones be bygones. It’s killing me not to send him this book I’m reading about the serenity prayer, but at the end of the day, serenity is not something someone can give you. Sortof like self-love or self-esteem. And while the book is about asking G-d to grant it to you, I only half buy that. I think you still need to get to a place where you are open and peaceful enough to ask. Where you think you deserve to be serene, free of drama, dare I say it, happy. If you don’t want to be in that place, nobody else is going to get you there and that’s what I’m starting to see now too. I can love everyone as passionately as can be but it’s hollow if I don’t turn that back to me.

I can’t ever be a true cynic or a loner. I try, oh how I try, but I don’t operate that way. I have too many people who just take my breath away. But I was trying to figure out how to word this, what I really was trying to say. I almost write “give love” but it’s not really a gift. But just feeling it without telling people seems a bit empty to me. I hope that in my voice, in my daily life, in my actions, people know. I hope they get it. I felt that on Sunday night, just by the very nature of being welcomed into that group. And I was, like I’ve been there all along. I felt it Sunday morning sitting around talking about faggot perfume and Viagra erections and rum and abs and books and bloggers. It’s being around people who know me so well they are just right there with me in all the craziness, who can call me on my bullshit, but do it in a funny way.

I want to show love more, though. It’s not even about the grand gestures. And it’s certainly not about sex. In fact, I half-jokingly tacked “no sex” onto my “no drinking, no taxis” resolution. I don’t really mean it, but I realized by that I meant “no more heartbreak.” No more of all the ups and downs of 2006 but I can’t control every eventuality.

But for me, it’s about the little things. It’s about saying please and thank you. It’s about bringing cupcakes and feeding off the joy I get seeing people bite into their creamy goodness. It’s about sending a card, it’s about being there. Something so simple and yet it’s also about being there for myself. Loving myself. I don’t do that enough, certainly. I know I’m hard on myself and only when I step back can I truly see just how much. It’s about going to New Jersey when you really want to stay under the covers. About being available for last-minute babysitting. About traveling all over just to hold all these babies I’ve fallen for. It’s about being open, being ready, being wise but not cynical.

I don’t know if my other resolutions, even the half-formed ones I’ve yet to write down because I’m scared to jinx them, will come to fruition. They’re more goals than resolutions, anyway. But this one, this is one I can do every day. Need to do every day. This is one that, without it, the rest of my life would feel meaningless.