Felice Newman Sex Workshops in Seattle in March and sex writing solidarity

As you will see below, they are not necessarily "sex workshops" but that was just my quickie shorthand. I didn't even realize she did this! Felice Newman is also one of the two publishers of Cleis Press and author of The Whole Lesbian Sex Book and many, many other things. Another time when I'm less crazed I will delve into the splendid history of Cleis I learned when I was in San Francisco in November⎯that they started out as two women selling a feminist self-defense book called Fight Back: Feminist Resistance to Male Violence through very, very grassroots means (actually, you can read all about it in this interview). What fascinated me about that story was how polarized sex and sexually explicit material has become in the feminist world and beyond, and yet often the very people who are putting forth materials that are pro-sexual freedom, pro-erotica, pro-sexual expression are also the ones concerned about sexual inequality and violence. Fancy that. Maybe I'll interview Felice and the other Cleis publisher Frédérique Delacoste for this blog about that very topic. I know, I know, everyone wants to know about AMS and so do I, so now is not the time, but down the road, when we've all emerged from this crazy time.

I guess this post will have to suffice as to what I was going to say last week about community in independent publishing. I do feel it, even though, I'll be honest, I thought it was fucking awesome that Tristan, Violet and I all shared the same publisher and were sex columnists. We all do very different things, but we all edit erotica books and, I think, care passionately about sexual freedom. I still do, but do feel a bit knocked out of a sorority that included not just them but a lot of other wonderful sex columnists I felt a kinship with and I really did all that I could to foster community amongst my former fellow columnists. I hope someday to do that again.

I think my biggest problem with the constant Carrie Bradshaw references and Candace Bushnell mythology is that it fosters this idea that, save for your tiny little group of friends, as a writer, you're out there all on your own. And while on some level that's true⎯the actual writing is done in solitude⎯on another level, for me, it was never about just my individual advancement. Maybe I should be a little more business-savvy, and believe me, I'm working on that, but I would rather quit writing altogether than feel like it's an either/or decision⎯get ahead or be part of a community. That's just not my style.

Here's Felice Newman on commerce and erotica:

But I've had people in the queer book industry say to me, in a very disparaging way, "Well, of course you're doing well. You publish sex books." The implication is that if you do something commercial in the realm of the erotic, you're doing it for money, and you're cynical. And it's not true. Because I'm most proud of the fact that, as I said, in one generation, we've helped change the way people think and speak about sexuality and gender. For me, this is personal.

I think it's pretty crystal clear attending any reading for Best Lesbian Erotica or In The Flesh or seeing the sex blog community in action that for us, it is about more than our individual satisfaction, sexual and otherwise, even as it's also about that. It's about the personal, political, and the areas in between and I think it's really dangerous to promote this idea of breeding future Carrie Bradshaws where it's all personal, where sex is not a means to expand our knowledge, pleasure, senses, and experiences but a single, simple goal that starts and ends in the bedroom. It's so easy to disparage sex and sex writing, so easy that I often do it myself. I tell myself I'd rather have ___ over sex, as if I should have to choose, as if sex has to be a tradeoff. I tell myself to get away from sex writing lest I be pigeonholed, even though it should be clear to anyone paying attention I (and I would imagine almost everyone) have plenty of other very passionate interests. There's still that impulse though, for me, to separate myself from it because I hate the snap judgments, the assumptions, the come-ons, the bullshit. I hate it so vehemently and yet writing about sex comes so naturally to me. It's how I make sense of my experiences and when I meet someone like Miriam, who's just like me in that way, I feel like I've found my little sister and someone I can talk to forever because I don't have to explain away the sex stuff. It's just there, it is what it is, and the people who are most important to me know that and roll with it quite easily and I love them for it. I just wish more people could separate fantasy from reality, their own sexual neuroses from what they perceive as mine.

It's why I bristle when anyone, usually someone male and easily dismissed by their very making of the statement, says "You have the best job in the world." No, I don't. Who does, really? That's a totally subjective opinion and also, it's hard work. I'm busting my ass right now setting up a virtual book tour for my books and putting other plans into action, but I also realize that's what I want to do. I like it, I like the organizing and when I don't, I'll stop, just as I will with In The Flesh and anything else. I know I have choices and I'm honored that I do. But seriously, sometimes I just wanted to say to these people, you try being a single sex columnist and finding someone who wants to actually date you long-term, not just fuck you and walk away. It's not that I don't know they're out there, but really, those types, at least, the ones I go for, are few and far between. Either I make them squeamish or intimidated or it's just a sex thing. So maybe that will lessen now, at least, I hope so, and if not, that's fine too. I'm becoming more content in owning the work I do, in being proud of it and also seeing where I have plenty of room for improvement.

And yes, I have a two book deal with Bantam, part of Random House, that I still can't believe exists and I'm ecstatic about the chance to write two novels and expand my audience and learn something new about writing and all of that. Truly. But at the same time, I think Cleis is publishing some of the best, if not the best, erotica out there because they've been doing it for so long, and they care. I never say indie over major for no reason, but part of why I love working with Cleis on erotica books is because they get what I'm doing. It's not just about a business decision, but down to the nitty gritty of the kinks - do the actions and stories make sense? Is that what someone would really do in that situation? It's not just guesswork, nobody's laughing at the use of dirty words, nobody feels uncomfortable with the subject matter. Being part of something that feels like it's bigger than just the incessant "me me me" that we seem to want to make of anyone, especially women, working in sex, suits me on many levels. This whole Voice firing has made me realize the value of community, and knowing that I will have readers no matter what, even if it's just here on this silly little blog, gives me hope that no matter what, I'll be fine.

I'll close with a quote from Frédérique in the interview linked above:

The beauty of Cleis is that we're not cynical. We get excited about projects, really passionate. And over the 25 years we've been in business, there are no moments when we wanted to give it up. Never. Even when we were cleaning houses to support ourselves.

And back to what this post was originally supposed to be about:

Seattle, WA — March 2, 2007, 1-5 pm. How to Talk to Your Clients About
Sex. A workshop for health care practitioners, healers, therapists,
counselors, coaches, bodyworkers, and anyone else whose work with
clients may provoke conversations about sex, intimacy and gender.
Presented by Felice Newman, sex educator, author, and certified
Somatic Coach who works with couples and individuals in the San
Francisco Bay Area.Wet Spot/Seattle Sex Positive Community.
http://www.felicenewman.com/events_seattle0303.html

Seattle, WA — March 3, 2007, 1-5 pm. Sexual Partnering for Lesbians:
How to Create & Sustain Vibrant Sexual Relationships. A Workshop for
Lesbian Couples with Felice Newman, author of The Whole Lesbian Sex
Book. Felice Newman is on a mission to end “lesbian bed death” in her
lifetime. She believes that a dwindling sex life is not inevitable for
long-term partners. In this half-day workshop, Felice will introduce
the concepts and practices that will help you create a shared sex life
that will deepen in heat and intimacy through the years. Felice Newman
is a sex educator and certified Somatic Coach who works with couples
and individuals in the San Francisco Bay Area. Wet Spot/Seattle Sex
Positive Community. http://www.felicenewman.com/events_seattle0302.html