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Lusty Lady

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Thursday, October 05, 2006

There's Something About Tristan (and Dana)

I got home last night with lipstick smeared all over my face and “Lusty Lady” written in quite lovely script across my chest. That has to mean I had fun, right? Well, in this case it does.

Firstly, I attempted to walk in my new shoes, wearing them one subway stop up to Red Lobster. Yes, Red Lobster. In Times Square. The last time I ate dinner in Times Square involved a crazy orgy of street food before going to the movies, when I was drinking a lot. But my super fashionista friend H., who I ran into at the last In The Flesh, where she freaked out over the fact that Erin Bradley had given out the recipe for Red Lobster’s famous cheese biscuits, was all psyched to go, plus we had a lot to catch up on. Well, I have to say that her hype proved correct. The look on my face when I took my first bite of biscuit...hmmm, absolutely delicious. We continued to gorge ourselves ridiculously, until I actually said, “I think I’m drunk on food.” I even tossed my head around to simulate that slightly buzzed feeling, then hopped on the train to go to 49 Grove for the party for Tristan Taormino's new porno flick Chemistry.

I was a little worried about finding it because my sense of direction is not always so great but it turned out to be right where I’d thought it would be, and the minute I walked in I started seeing people I know. First my agent, Lori Perkins, then my friend Dicie, then Paul Sarkis started snapping my picture. I said hi to Tristan and her mom, who I hadn’t seen in forever. “Where’s Dana?” I asked Tristan. “I don’t know,” she said, smiling but with perhaps an edge of panic in her voice that her movie’s star was MIA.

Here's a photo of Dana (she looked less naked and more demure but still somehow no less naughty and mischevious):

I put down the bulk of my bags and went to the bathroom, and lo and behold, there’s Dana DeArmond looking just as adorable in person as she does in Chemistry. Okay, not quite as adorable as she does topless in matching panties and socks, but close. She was holding court in the unisex restroom. “We’re making a video about hygiene,” a guy I don’t know says to me, and I proceed to let them film me washing my hands. I knew one of the three guys, Dashiell, who’s an editor at Fleshbot, but not the others.

“Who are these guys?” I ask Dana. She points: “Striped shirt, red shirt, pink shirt.” Okay. Then I go about putting on the makeup I’ve just bought at CVS, and Paul Sarkis and various other people come in and there really starts to be a mini party in the bathroom. I’m totally taken with Dana in all her adorableness, and make her read this line from the bio we were given out loud: “It’s all about me and the Internet and fucking people I meet on the Internet and haing fun and being cute and silly.” When I complimented her on her attire in Chemistry, she proudly tells me about the three costume changes she made. “We were only there for 36 hours. I wanted to make sure I was the cutest.”

The party only got crazier from there. I decided to forgo the Amstel Light for diet Coke, and then kept on seeing more and more people I knew and we congregated in one corner. There was dirty dancing going on, bathroom action I couldn’t quite make out, and just a general hubbub. All I know is that somehow I found my exhibitionistic side winning out and I removed my bra and then got a Sharpie. I went over to Audacia and said, “Will you write my blog’s name on my breast?”

“What, you want me to suck on your nipple?” she asked.

“Yes, exactly,” I said, and took out my breast while her boyfriend (who has his band’s UPC number, along with many other things, tattooed on his wrist) sat right next to us. Then she kindly scrawled “Lusty Lady” across my tit and I walked around like that for the rest of the night. Brian Van had already taken a photo of my newly tagged tit and sent it to Flickr on his fancy Internet machine (might be a Treo but I’m so freaking low-tech I have no idea.)

I grilled Dana on how she has 230,000+ friends on MySpace (!!) and the most adorable thing she told us was that her mom is on MySpace too so she can kick anyone’s ass who tries to mess with her daughter. I was super impressed with that and with Miss DeArmond overall and want to write about her for my column. She has a new movie called Dana DeArmond Does the Internet (coming out from Vivid Alt) and, according to the bio we were given, Dana DeArmond is her real name, she loved figure skating and horseback riding as a child, and one of her first jobs was dancing at parades in Disney World’s “The Magic Kingdom.”

The only other thing I can say is that I met two very cute, funny guys, one of whom impressed me by being just balls out belligerent. “Red velvet? Red velvet? What’s the deal with red velvet?” he asked me. Then later: “I hate comedy. I hate to laugh.” Seriously, sarcasm and just being willfully negative, but in a charming way, will win me over every time. Les and Lex from Naked Loft Party show up and regale us with the story of her getting kicked out of a restaurant for basically wearing next to nothing (it was a thong, cute heart pasties, with a sheer nightie on top). She flashed us the pretty thong she was wearing to make her point.

Around 11:30, Tristan comes by to say good-bye. “You’re leaving? But it’s your party!” I’m just teasing her because it’s funny; there’ve been a swarm of people and the club is now blasting the music. After she leaves, we get kicked out of our seats because we don’t want to bottle service. My new friend leads us to a back room, where I see some people I know, but all of a sudden my friends are somehow getting kicked out. While the one who hates comedy pays the bill, I wind up making out with his friend right in the doorway, and just have to laugh at the ridiculousness of the situation. We make out some more on the bumpy cab ride but I come home alone and after admiring the various scrawlings all over me, pass out. My cell phone charger is busted so my phone is too at the moment, which is probably for the best, or I’d have probably made some unwise calls. All in all, another spectacular party. Chemistry volume 2 is out in January, people! In the meantime, check out Tristan’s HOT HOT HOT Vivid debut and make sure you come to the next party!

Also seen in the crowd:the perpetually glitterrific Jamye Waxman, Candida Royalle, Morty Diamond, Nick Catucci. (and I'm sure many others who I'm now forgetting - sorry!)


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