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Tuesday, October 24, 2006

Don't fuck the pregnant lady!

Paging Christen Clifford!

Through Zero Boss, I just found this post on The Stranger's blog (Slog) about why "Sex with a pregnant woman is not right or wrong but dishonest. It's an act that is close to pity. One does it because one is trying to be nice, and not being honest about how much their partner's body has changed."

The author, Charles Mudede, did start by raising some questions but then proceeded to railroad over them and pretty much answer himself that Preggo Sex is NOT okay, ignoring the pretty common reports of increased sex drive amongst pregnant women, not to mention the fetishization of pregnancy (not just in porn, but in real life - there are plenty of guys who think the exact opposite of the above quote). Thank goodness for comments, though I noticed the ommission of...pregnant boobies! I mean, really, every mom or pregnant woman I know is over the moon about her new tits, whether she had small or large ones to start with. For the record, I have never been pregnant, but I have imagined what my tits will look like when I am (and no, that is not the only thing I have thought about it, believe me, I actually think I will be a kick-ass pregnant lady...someday. For now, I just take my folic acid and wait patiently for that part of my life to start.) and not to sound too narcissistic, but I think they're gonna look hot. As many body issues as I have, I am quite happy with my melons. But back to no preggo sex guy. He does what people do about sex all the freaking time - he takes his own personal opinion and extrapolates it out like he knows everything. Also, no no no no no to "And if a woman's pregnancy is far along the way, having sex with her must mean having sex with the baby." Do we know how biology works?

Also, a few thoughts:

It's not just men who have sex with pregnant women.

Not all women's bodies change in the same ways.

Is he talking about "right" and "wrong" medically? Socially? Religiously?

Most straight guys are not having sex, with a pregnant woman or not, "to be nice." Sorry to break it to you Charles.

My favorite comment:

What the hell, Charles? I'm pregnant, and still having sex with both my husband AND my boyfriend. And we sure as hell aren't going to stop.

His attitude is so Neanderthal I wonder if it's even worth getting upset about but it did push my buttons, and again, not because he asked the question, but because he then answered it in such a sexist, contemptuous, oblivious way.

Now, this is not to say that every man must find the woman he has impregnated totally hot and want to fuck her every second. Everyone's different and there's nothing wrong or sexist with being turned off or having mixed feelings about being attracted to someone you're having a baby with. I can only imagine the headiness of that time period. But to say that the pregnant body is "used up" by the function of pregnancy is pretty much advancing the fetus's important over the woman's, as opposed to considering the symbiotic nature of their relationship. Also, from everything I've read and heard, the place to express these feelings of not being attracted to your pregnant lady is not to her face. Tell your friends, tell strangers at a bar, tell your anonymous blog, but don't dump it on her.

But there is no "definitive" answer - it's not, as the comments seemed to have descended to, "there's a glow" or "there's not a glow." Hello, people, it's such an individual, subjective matter. The point is not to keep on saying "Yes, yes, I loved fucking my pregnant wife" but that there is nothing wrong with sex during pregnancy, if that's what the people involved want to do. I find it hard to believe that a woman is going to want to forgo all sexual behavior for nine months just because she's pregnant, though some might. The whole tone of his post acts like women are here only to procreate and provide men pleasure sexually, and while I'm sure there are plenty of people who believe that, I'd like to think they are in the minority.

One last thing - sex is not just about the body. A woman's body may be different, but she is still the same person and if they've been together for a while, I would imagine the woman's partner has seen her body change in other ways as well. So he's probably also saying that if you were to gain 30 or 40 pounds you'd also not be fuckable but I think it's even more twisted to say it in this way, because it also implies that the woman not only pays the price (of not getting fucked) for being pregnant, but it's as if she did it to herself! I would hope that we can see pregnancy with a little more dignity and honor and pride than simply as a matter of "using up" a woman's body. I think it's about expanding - the mind, the body, the family, and, in many cases, one's sex life, rather than shrinking them.

Perhaps I shall write a column about this someday, but not right now. I have a few topics lined up that are calling to me moreso than this one but just had to share this idiocy with you all.

Update: Have to add that there's MORE from Mudede.

My point is not whether this or that kind of sex is right (all sex done within the circle of legal consent is right); what I want to know and expose is the motive for the sex. Why is he or she really doing it. Is it for money? is it for favors? is it, worst of all, for pity.

He has now totally lost me and I have no response. Really - if someone can't see that there are not only many reasons we may choose to have sex, not to mention that some people find pregnant women hot and lovable, there's nothing more to say. To basically imply that you're fucking a pregnant woman as a favor, or out of pity (or a man who uses Viagra), is so absurd I think we can all see that. Dan Savage in the comments:

There's a reason Charles doesn't write our sex column—and that's all I'm going to say about his semi-irregular posts on sex.


At June 26, 2010, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Well, I don't know what the hell he's talking about, but I find pregnant women very attractive and beautiful. Not just from a fetish standpoint mind you, but an actual physical attractiveness. I will admit, however, that it all depends on the original physical beauty of the woman. Not to sound like a chauvinistic pig or anything, but unattractive women are just unattractive whether they're pregnant or not.


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