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Lusty Lady

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Friday, September 22, 2006

Why I'm proud to be part of the sex writing community

Viviane's sex columnist roundup

Was going to save this for when I'm less tired but here goes, tying in to this feeling I've been having lately of being so grateful for living in New York and being surrounded by such talented, funny, supportive, amazing communities of people, from writing to comedy to sex to cupcakes. They're all distinct but have all welcomed me in and I'm so grateful for those connections, and the new friends I've been making. Cause when life seems to be kicking my ass and telling me to get out of town, these people are there to remind me that I can make it through. I'm so proud to be part of that community and to know all of those people - well, Savage I don't know, but I have interviewed him. Just looking over that list made me realize what a great group I'm part of. Okay, maybe some of this now: how do I know these people? The only reason I know any of them is because I reached out to them. Well, Cory reached out to me. But mostly, I dropped them a line. I said, pretty much, "Hi, I'm a fan of your work and I think we should be friends, we have a lot in common." I've had Julia, Erin, Miriam and Judy on my reading series, I edit Tristan's newsletter and write for Violet's anthologies. I told Mistress Matisse how right on I thought her post about feminism was. I rarely offer unsolicited advice, but I think that if you read something you like, tell the person who wrote it. I don't always do it, but I try, and it really does make people's day and let them know what you're thinking. Now a lot of people will blog their opinions, and that's great too. I get so much feedback, good and bad, from looking at who's linked to my columns and such. I'm not saying we all have to be friends but I take being part of a sex writing community seriously and one part of that is believing in and making a reality of an actual community, not lone people at their computers tapping away. On one level it's very selfish because I need that, desperately. I don't know what I'd do without people like Miriam or Tristan or Judy to talk about things that only people who do what we do would understand. I don't think you get ahead but shoving other people out of the way in your race to the top. At least for me, I feel far better off with allies across the sex writing world. I'm so proud when I see my friends' books listed on Amazon or at the bookstore. And I get it back in spades; I remember that very first week with the Voice column Ellen called me all excited. She really knows how to make me smile; on Wednesday, I couldn't have been happier to hear her say that she almost didn't read because she was stressed out but had a wonderful time and was glad she came and that her baby likes the toy block I gave her. It's really the little things, but those are big things to me. And I know my friends are just as happy as I am for my success, and the thing is, none of it would feel as good or be worth it in any way if I didn't have them to be proud of too. And yes, that took me a really longwinded way of saying it. Next weekend I get to hang with a bunch of sex bloggers and I'm totally looking forward to it. For now, I'm the chaste workaholic sex blogger, but that's okay. I embrace it and the whole direction my life is going lately, I really do.

It feels a little odd to have everything fall into place as it has, like I'm waiting for the other shoe to drop, but thus far, I couldn't be happier. After so many years of writing for free for various websites and publications, of being honored at the chance, to finally get paid what you're worth (that's happened a few other times in my writing career, but not that many) is a revelation and such a huge validation. There was an agent a few years ago who told me big publishers wouldn't be interested in me because I'd already done books with smaller publishers. Ignoring the fact that many authors bounce back and forth between big and small publishers (see Stephen Elliott) or go from small to big (see Lily Burana), at heart it was a discouraging comment, because what could I do? Burn my books? Disavow them? No, not a thing. I knew he was wrong but until now couldn't prove it so to have my books sold at auction, to have people believe in me enough to want a second book based on little more than an idea, meant so much to me. It meant that I need to have faith in myself regardless of what anyone else thinks, good or bad, and stick to my ideas of what I want rather than simply trying to cater to the whims of a very fickle industry.

The fact is, there will always be a "More Orgasms Faster Harder" or "How to Fuck Like a Banshee" book that needs writing. It makes the real and honest sex books, like this memoir I'm reading now by Joan Sewell, I'd Rather Eat Chocolate: Learning to Love My Low Libido, all the more valuable. That agent then tried to get me to work on a book he said I could write "in my sleep." Hmmm...I wonder if he told that to the author who wound up with the project? When I saw that, I realized someone like that would never get me. I don't want to write anything in my sleep. I don't want to take the easy way out, though I won't rule it out - I'm a girl with a mountain of student loans yet to be paid off who wants to start raising kids, the sooner the better. I know I need money and I know I'm terrible with money, so I can't be all high and mighty about it, but even so, I balance things out. I still write for Gothamist sometimes, I'll do things that matter to me, but to get paid a fair wage, to be valued in that way, changes the game. It means I don't have to say yes to every little thing that comes along. I can be a little more selective, hopefully for the better. I don't have to listen to the naysayers. It's a tough balance, I think, for many writers between our naturally self-deprecating style and what you need to succeed. You can't fill out an author questionnaire and hem and haw. You have to put your best self forward, even when inside you cringe and maybe want to give up. Even when you think that maybe those naysayers were right all along. It's why I encourage every author to have a website, to make their presence known. It's not just because the books won't sell themselves, but it's a way for you to own at least that top Google hit, a way to say "this is why I am" (or at least "this is one major part of who I am" or "this is who I am as a writer") before someone else does it for you. And figuring out "who" that is is part of the job of a writer, I think. It is marketing, but instead of seeing that in a negative way, I think there's room for all of us to express our creativity and uniqueness and still succeed. The idea that you have to kowtow to whatever's "hot," well, that might work for some people, but I've found that I can't do it. When I try to write about things that don't interest me, it leads to a blank screen and an almost crippling amount of fear and stress. I just can't do it, so I've stopped trying. But why I love Sugasm and blogs in general is because you get to explore so many individual worlds on their own terms. It's like a million mini soap operas unfolding and I get as sucked in as the next person. And sometimes that's overwhelming, as is bookstore browsing. I'll often OD on browsing or reading about book deals or whatnot and feel even more strongly the need for that sense of community because otherwise it's a snap to feel lost at sea, like you're a drop of water in a huge ocean and while, in a way, you are, I think the trick is finding ways to emphasize what makes you unique but then connect with other unique, talented, awesome people and support each other.

I'm not a saint or anything. I get as jealous and petty as anyone and I don't like those aspects of myself, so running my reading series and paying attention and doing what I can to support my writer friends helps me get over all that and get back to what I should be doing. Which, right now, is wrapping up this looooooong week.

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