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Wednesday, February 22, 2006

Plan B

All over again, as it were. I really thought I'd left those super miserable days of crying as I walk down the streets of Manhattan behind me, but I was wrong. At least I passed a bakery and got to do a little retail therapy at Borders (Reading Sex and the City and a pocket copy of Writing Down the Bones). Points for me for keeping it together when actually interacting with other people. And since I know whining about my super cliched situation of thinking some lame guy liked me for real is not sexy, and that I clearly need to go to dating remedial school, I'll just leave you with some women who've said things way better than I ever could. I think I will maybe just get "light entertainment" or just "wrong" tattooed onto me somewhere (though anything that gives me an excuse to indulge my love for Kirsty MacColl is okay). And develop thicker skin and try to do like Bridget Harrison, in a line I came across while reading her memoir Tabloid Love:

"The ability to act with blank-faced nonchalance towards someone with whom you had been in bed days before was a regular part of being single in New York."

My friend L was right, and I was completely, totally, utterly wrong, as usual, I guess. So yeah, Plan B, or C, or whatever I'm up to. I'm gonna be living at the gym and in front of my laptop, trying to somehow make myself better, smarter, tinier, worthy. Then again, I'll never be these other women who apparently possess all kinds of magical qualities I don't. Like being a sociopath, or married, or whatever. I do have some fun things on the horizon, like Boggle and maybe a boy who won't make me cry. In the meantime, I have a ton of other stuff to keep me busy, and have to work on my already highly developed manesia so I can just totally forget about any of this.

The Reputation, "Alaskan"

And in the end you took the easy way out so I let it go that seemed the easier route but I don't really feel like making you feel better about it don't worry I've done plenty of practicing these days I say goodbye more than anything and it's days like these that remind you why you learned how to tell such convincing lies you just shrug it all off and say everything's fine and when alaskan boys bear regretful smiles you return them all with the same flat eyes you think you're too old for this shit anymore but you try the other night you tried to explain I couldn't think what it would matter or why it would change things and darlin' you underestimated me every time you put your clothes on I'm so convinced it's over and still you keep comin' around you don't see what you're taking makes rules so we can break them and still you keep coming around but there's nothing I can say if that's just how you are nothing I can do to change your mind get us back to the way we thought things were I threw my hand down and walked away but I bet that you come back around some day.

Aimee Mann, "Deathly"

Now that I've met you
would you object to
never seeing each other again
cause I can't afford to
climb aboard you
no one's got that much ego to spend
So don't work your stuff
because I've got troubles enough
no, don't pick on me
when one act of kindness could be
deathly
deathly
deathly
definitely
Cause I'm just a problem
for you to solve and
watch dissolve in the heat of your charm
but what will you do when
you run it through and
you can't get me back on the farm
So don't work your stuff
because I've got troubles enough
no, don't pick on me
when one act of kindness could be
deathly
deathly
deathly
definitely
You're on your honor
cause I'm a goner
and you haven't even begun
so do me a favor
if I should waver
be my savior
and get out the gun
Just don't work your stuff
because I've got troubles enough
no, don't pick on me
when one act of kindness could be
deathly
deathly
deathly
definitely

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