I didn't technically overhear this

Overheard in New York

I didn't technically overhear this, but last night, when I complimented Overheard in New York editor Michael Malice on his ability to remember something I'd mentioned in passing on my way into the party, he said, "I can multitask. I have a cock." Okay...just one of many priceless gems I heard last night as I went first to Mo Pitkin's for the always funny and only occasionally heartwrenching Rejection Show and then to the party for Overheard. Big congrats to the book's editors Morgan and Michael, who I met when I was very drunk at a party last year but have both been good friends to me despite my incessant blathering.

All the socializing I seem to do lately is this one-stop shopping, where I run into a zillion people I know, and get to say hi for five seconds, and cram in all the gossip I've missed being holed up in Brooklyn or trying pretending to write, desperately hoping for some kind of inspiration, not just for my writing, but for my life. It's been a weird time lately trying to juggle and figure out and be self-protective but open, honest with myself, assessing my capabilities and lack of them, determining my worth and worthlessness not in a fatalistic way but in a real one. Trying to figure out what's a reach and what's a possibility and what's a pipe dream.

So if I don't post or write back too quickly, apologies in advance. Trying to prioritize taking care of myself for once and trying not to go insane. A large task, I know, but when I think back to what a fucked up person I was last year, how rock bottom I truly was, when everything just seemed utterly helpless, I didn't even think I'd get through that rough time and I somehow have and I have to remember that and give myself credit for that rather than just fault myself for all the ways I've failed myself. Lately my keyword has been trying, especially believing that that's the best I can do. Trying to lower my expectations for myself so I can have a hope of meeting them, trying to never expect a thing from anyone else so I'm not disappointed, trying to enjoy the fun times that I do reward myself with, trying to not be so pessimistic, trying to get healthy, trying to believe in something bigger than what I have in front of me, trying to curb my jealousy, trying to cope. I know I'm too hard on myself and yet sometimes I have to be, because I can easily let it all fall apart, which sucks when "all" is hardly anything anyway. I am trying to hoist myself over what seems like some massive yet invisible barrier, to take baby steps but lots of them, to not lose faith in the world, myself. A lot easier to do from home than trying to fake civility or cheerfulness, but sometimes I also need to just let go and not care a whit about anything else except right this very second. Or, as Elliott Smith once sang, "you only live a day/but it's brilliant anyway."