Ugh

The breathing is still pretty tough - I forgot to say that in addition to the tickling sensation it feels like my lungs just can't take in enough air. Totally frustrating and so not me - I like to be on the go and keep having to stop and cough and just regroup. But anyway, by tonight I should at least have some inhalers and such.

Had a fabulous time chatting and mingling and eating cheese with some of my favorite writers last night - makes me love New York and being a writer all over again, I think that camaraderie is essential and refreshing and invigorating. I had to skip the CMJ stuff cause just couldn't deal with being in a really crowded room like that. All my writing plans for this week have fallen by the wayside but I'm ready to start getting back on track this weekend.

Good things are in the air, and the way I know that is I had to sadly turn down what I consider a prestigious reading invitation because I have the one reading I committed to months ago. But I cannot be in two places, let alone two cities, at once. Looking forward to some major downtime so I can just get things in order.

And in the I know I'm an idiot but wish I didn't have to be reminded so often - I got this new digital camera, a Kodak Easy Share, because it had easy in the title and was cheap. I tore it open and was heading to Vermont for a wedding so threw the USB cable somewhere and ran out the door. Camera's great, works fine, but I have no clue where the cable is. So I decide to buy a new one. Am proud of myself for getting that and a much-needed fan. I went to one Staples and they told me I needed this 5 pin cable, but they didn't have it. So I go to another Staples and get it. That was Wednesday night, then I went home and collapsed. Last night I decided to make myself useful and try the cable - turns out, it doesn't fit. And while I will try to return it to Staples (the old me would've just not even bothered), I hate that these trifling things wind up taking so much time, and hate even more that it's my fault. I feel like such a loser and it's instances like that that just make me want to give up - on everything. But I'm trying so so hard to think positively and not berate myself for my countless failings, for being such a disorganized loser, even though I know I am. I am doing a little at a time and trying to realize I can't do everything, especially not with this breathing issue, but it's so frustrating and demoralizing sometimes. I guess the photos could just live on my camera forever, but the whole point of buying the new camera was to do something different than I did with my last one, which was a gift and I never figured out how to get the photos off the camera. Someday, maybe in my next lifetime, I won't be so fucked up.

Hopefully my doctor will be able to ply me with something to make me feel better, physically and mentally so I can resume my normal life. Or, relatively normal or whatever cause I have all this stuff I want to get done but just no energy this week.