photo by Bob Schaffer
So, I can't sleep, but what else is new? I don't know if I'd call it insomnia or severe procrastination or restlessness or what, but it's a time when the internet can easily suck you into its claws. It's also when my thoughts are probably darkest. Sometimes I can clarifying things in my head, in the quiet, but more often I just wind up internet stalking my exes. Not good. Or reading about drama that ultimately winds up depressing me. Not because it's my drama, but because it's a vicious cycle. It sucks away my creative energy really fast, and I need all of it I can get lately, plus a healthy dose of luck and fortune and forgiveness.
Yet it's hard to just say no. I can do that with some things (alcohol, diet coke) but not others (dark chocolate, the interwebs). But I want to try. A friend today said he was taking a break from the internet drama du jour, and I applauded him, but wound up not being able to follow his lead. I want to stay informed, but find myself going overboard. The social networking threatens to take over, well, the social.
Tonight I finally got to hang out with the gorgeous, smart, and all-around wonderful Hitha Prabhakar, reporter, blogger, fashion analyst, Fox Business commentator, Elastic Waist pundit (and G-spot denier - see below - but I know she knows better) and skinny bitch. Sometimes I describe her as "my most conservative friend," which is probably true, but she is also one of my best friends. I can tell her anything and she is so incredibly supportive. She sees things in me I often don't. I felt so peaceful catching up with her on boys, jobs, gossip and just randomness. I read her Us Weekly and admired her skin and got a pep talk. It was perfect.
Hanging out with her reminded me that I need my friends, real life friends and not just endless emails. And I love email, and probably send many dozens a day. I like planning and plotting, but sometimes that becomes an end in itself. One email suddenly gives birth to seemingly hundreds more, and then I just feel like pretending I don't have an inbox.
I'm going away at the end of this month, to the outskirts of Seattle, where I'm told there will not be an internet connection. Or if there is, it's very slow. "Don't even bring your computer." Coming from The Boy that was highly ironic. "I have to. What are you talking about?"
I was already panicked. "Okay, fine, bring your computer." Big smile from me. In reality, I will probably sleep on top of it on the plane and not open it once, my little knocked-around but pretty laptop. But now, when I've been spending who knows how many hours in front of a screen, trying to create something out of nothing, I find that it's infinitely easier to read others' words than create some of my own.
I'll say it plain and simple - I'm scared. I'm scared of failing, and that fear has meant that I've preempted it so many times in my life, by forcing failure upon myself, rather than face rejection. Far easier for me to reject myself than allow someone else to. I think part of me recoiling from people talking shit about other people online is that I automatically put myself in that person's place. What if I were ____? (Emily Gould, Violet Blue, fill in the object of scorn du jour) I don't know what I would do, I don't know how I would handle that, but it's something I need to get over if I am ever going to do this whole becoming an author thing. It's become such a Big Deal in my head that its power has eclipsed, well, everything else.
So, uh, that's my life, kindof. Snippets, anyway. I am glad it's almost the weekend. Very, very glad. I plan to make no plans and just see where it takes me. I have writing to finish (but of course) and books I'm itching to crack open that keep taunting me when I leave them behind in the morning (unless I, alternately, cart them around all day when I know I'll have maybe 30 minutes, tops, to read). It's the last really mellow weekend for a while.
To round out the theme of happiness over drama, I found this gorgeous photo of/by Violet Blue in her Flickr stream but deemed it a little too much for our more tame cupcake blog readers, but for you guys, here you go: