2 down, 2 to go

Working majorly around the clock, got some much-needed sleep and am babysitting tonight but otherwise most weeknights and weekends are devoted to catching up. It was a good week but also a very draining one and I'm still not as ahead as I wanted to be but I'd rather that and have put the best effort I could into the work I turned in. Not all of it was what I'd have liked but that's bygones, most of it I really poured my energy and effort into and now am moving on.

Doing tons of research for my Sexual Freedom for All book proposal, weekly library trips and many sticky tabs, but still have a bit of a ways to go in terms of overdue stuff but I'm making headway. I finally, finally sent back my revisions for Naughty Spanking Stories from A to Z so hopefully I'll have those books in my hands by end of September, and I turned in a manuscript for She's on Top: Erotic Stories of Female Dominance and Male Submission. This weekend is devoted to reading submissions for He's on Top and Second Skins and I would be thrilled to have those both turned in next week.

Also getting excited about October 18th's really fabulous In The Flesh lineup, one of our most creative and literary (more about Stephen Elliott's brilliant new book My Girlfriend Comes to the City and Beats Me Up soon):

October 18, 2006, 8 pm

In The Flesh Reading Series, Happy Ending Bar

With Jami Attenberg (Instant Love), Mo Beasley and Urban Erotika, Christen Clifford (17 Guys I Fucked, Baby Love), Stephen Elliott (My Girlfriend Comes to the City and Beats Me Up, Happy Baby), Marcy Dermansky (Twins), and P.F. Kozak (Sins and Secrets). Rachel will also be celebrating the release of her new anthology Caught Looking: Erotic Tales of Voyeurs and Exhibitionists.
Free refreshments will be served.
302 Broome Street, NYC

Directions: B/D to Grand, F to Delancey, J/M/Z to Bowery

Free.

Got to complete my absolute favorite writing assignment of the year this week, and am busy thinking up interview questions and scrambling for something to write about for my Voice column and making some article headway too. And if there's time, I will try to get to a little of my own smut writing. I have this weekend and next weekend free, then the Vineyard after that, but I get 4 days over Labor Day, and am seriously considering getting the hell out of here but we shall see. Also this week I have to book my October California trip, which I've been putting off because concrete plans like that freak me out a bit. Oh, and a bit of emotional angst along the way, ghosts from the past and all, but trying to just take care of myself and stay focused and while I'm really trying to be someone I'm proud of, often a pretty impossible task, knowing that people I respect, sometimes grudgingly, know that I'm a good person really does matter. I always want to act like I don't care, because for me there's such a fine, miniscule, almost nonexistent line between caring and living for other people, but ultimately, I have to face it, I do care.

But ultimately I can't try to please everyone, or really anyone, but myself, because that's the route to making me miserable. I'm always so inclined to stop whatever I'm doing to try to work on something for someone else or just privilege their urgency over mine, and that's why I've wasted so much of my life. I feel like I'm finally figuring out what I want and going after it, and it's not easy to quell the jealousy or feel discouraged, when everyone is getting book deals and having babies and I'm not doing either. At the same time, I am doing something, and I can only surround myself with people I trust and hope that I'm moving ahead, and not backwards. I can only learn from my mistakes and I think what I do is try to fix them retroactively, or berate myself endlessly for them, instead of trying to learn from them. And not just learn from my own behavior, but learn about forgiveness and opening my heart and realizing that other people fuck up too. I want to have a big heart, I really, really do, and I try to catch myself when I feel myself closing it.

But this week kindof reminded me about what I care about and what I need, and about being a work in progress. Part of me hates that; I just want to be fixed, complete, whole, perfect. I don't like this it's an ongoing process, that basically I will always be fucking up, making amends, striving. At the same time, it's comforting because it means I can live in the moment a little more and trust myself to either do the right thing, or make my very best effort. Sometimes I sit on decisions so long because I'm so afraid of making the wrong decision that I basically never decide, and more and more I'm realizing that the people who I admire, the ones who actually accomplish their goals, have no fear. Or if they do, they hide it well or find a way to deal with it. They don't live with all the crap I have in my head, with so much negativity and doubt, with assuming everyone else is better than them. And it's not that I want to assume the opposite, but I just want to proceed forward, to make the most of my opportunities but also know when to say no. I'm always inclined to believe my worst critics, and I fight that, and I guess it's good for me to hear that not everyone thinks the worst of me and I think that in turn pushes me to be a bigger person, and to mean it, not just parroting the words. I do believe people can change and grow, and I hope that they do, and I hope that I do. And on that note, I must attempt to make it to the gym for that segment of my "working on myself" aspect.